Stay at home parents

[Mustang]

When we decided to have kids, my wife made a decision that when we had children that she wanted to stay at home and raise the kids. While the 25% reduction in salary is going to stink it is not going to put us in any financial danger.

We are expecting Sept 5th and her last day is August 31st (barring the baby coming) and she has been telling the customers that she deals with at the bank this. I can't believe some of the crap that she is having to deal with based on customers opinions that they freely give. Everything from relatively mild - "You'll be bored after 1 month so, you'll be back" to "You need to rethink your position. You can't afford it" and then downright insulting "Why would you want to do that?".

I understand that some people just can't afford to do it on one income so, we consider ourselves extremely fortunate that we can do this as I have no desire for to pay for daycare to raise our children but, jeez... appears like my wife is being vilified for this decision and, almost all of these comments are from women. I don't know, maybe they think my wife is a traitor to women's rights and think she is wanting to be some subvervient 50s wife or something, I don't know...

Of course, on the flip side, at my work when I tell people, I just get "Oh, thats great that you can do that", which is all I'd expect people to say. The only thing that bothers me is when people make assumptions on how something will affect me. For example, joking that I'm going to have to sell my Mustang now to get a family car. Well, A.. me and the wife have discussed that and B.. Do you really think I'm selfish to the point of having this even remotely affect me if I had to do this for my child?

Just curious if anyone else has experienced this or what in the world people's logic is. Sometimes, I get the feeling that people think children are just some checkbox that you fill in. Got a car, new house, now I need kids and now, back to the career.

[sabotai]

Just curious if anyone else has experienced this or what in the world people's logic is. Sometimes, I get the feeling that people think children are just some checkbox that you fill in. Got a car, new house, now I need kids and now, back to the career.

Yup, that pretty much sums up my impression of a lot of people as well. They want to have a kid, but they don't want to be a parent.

[molson]

Don't get upset about what people say. If everyone said what you wanted to hear, it would be because many of them were lying.

[Suburban Rhythm]

I can't say for certain, never having been the stay at home parent. But I think my wife would agree, to a certain extent, what some of those people are saying is true. Not so much bored, but the need for "adult conversation", not just mamamamama and dadadadada all day.

As far as financially, etc, only you 2 can answer that, and you seem pretty well set, so I wouldn't worry about that. Also consider the cost of daycare is through the roof, so while loosing your wife's income, you won't be picking up that expense either.

My wife honestly has a nice setup. She's a nurse, so she works 2 12 hr shifts a week. So the income is nice, and she's still home alot with the kids.

[Mustang]

I can't say for certain, never having been the stay at home parent. But I think my wife would agree, to a certain extent, what some of those people are saying is true. Not so much bored, but the need for "adult conversation", not just mamamamama and dadadadada all day.


We already recognize that will happen and I'm hoping that my wife takes the opportunities to go by friends when she can. Of course, knowing her and knowing new mothers, I will probably have to pry the baby from her arms and kick her out of the house. (Of course, right before I memorize and repeat all instructions... :D )

[Draft Dodger]

In our case, I was the one who dropped to part time so I could be home with the kid(s). I got a few raised eyebrows, but must people seemed to be legitimately on the "great that you can do that" side of things. Probably the most guff came from my mom, who is, unfortunately, forever stuck in 1950.

[Icy]

It's a respectable option as long as you both agree with it (i hate when men force their wifes to stay at home).

My wife pregnancy is due in early November and we have taken the same decision than you.

After our first baby died, we decided that if we had another one, hopefully healthy, we would try to enjoy it as much as possible. The time is coming so if everything goes well this time, my wife will leave her job to enjoy the baby care as she wants it. It also helps a lot that i work from home and on my own schedule so we both can stay at home and enjoy the baby care together. My wife only works because she wants to be active, but not because we need it financially as luckily my job, at least by now, it's very profitable and brings around 90% of our income.

Probably after a couple of years, she will look for another job if she wants it, and of course she will get my full support the same way that she gets it now with her decision of leaving it.

Some people will accuse you or your wife of being old minded and against women's rights (happened to us when in fact my wife is a strong defender of the women rights), but just ignore them as the ones who say that are just the ones that don't know you and your motivations well enough or just that are jealous that they can't afford to do the same. Family, friends, and all the peaople that knows you, knows also your reasons behind your decision.

The word says it, "women rights" means the right to choose what a women wants to do. The same way that i hate men who force women to do what they want, i also hate the women that force other women to be in a constant fight for their rights, even if sometimes it's not that they really want to do. Both machismo and feminism are extremes that everybody should avoid.

[Telle]

In recent years I've actually seen more and more parents choosing to stay home with their kids. It's frequent enough that many pregnant women are asked if they're going to stay home or go back to work.. so it is no longer a forgone conclusion that going back to work is the only 'acceptable' answer.

However, it seems that stay at home dad's aren't being given nearly that level of respect yet. RendeR has been home since the birth of our first child (in the past few months he's been working part-time and a series of fortunate circumstances is leading to him to starting full-time next week). And whenever people ask me "What does your husband do?" and I respond "He's a stay at home dad" they seem to take it to mean that he's "out of work". Or there was one person who told me "He should at least take a class or something with all that free time." Obviously this person doesn't have a clue as to what it takes physically, emotionally, and mentally to be a stay at home parent.

[Telle]

I've always felt that people (mostly women) make negative comments like that in order to justify / reinforce the decisions they have made (or are intending to make) with regards to raising their kids. There's probably a certain amount of guilt that a woman feels when they skip out on what has historically been regarded as their biggest responsibility - raising their children. A person will therefore need to build up an argument (i.e. 'need the money', 'need adult companionship') and then clutch to it firmly.

Definitely. The "mommy wars" are as strong as ever. Basically comes down to "if what you do is different than what I do, then you must be wrong because I have to be right.. and there's no room to consider that there may be differences between us that make one thing right for you and another thing right for me"

[Toddzilla]

When we had our first child, we decided that after a long maternity leave that my wife would return to work. The parents in her mother's group were appalled that she would return to work and not be a stay-at-home mother.

When we had our second child and the decision came to be made (after our youngest got very sick) that my wife would stay at home, her co-workers were dismissive and unsupportive.

Seems you can't win in the court of public opinion - but in the end those opinions don't count for anything.

If you do what you feel is right for your family, you are unquestionably doing the right thing.

[Eaglesfan27]

I've always felt that people (mostly women) make negative comments like that in order to justify / reinforce the decisions they have made (or are intending to make) with regards to raising their kids. There's probably a certain amount of guilt that a woman feels when they skip out on what has historically been regarded as their biggest responsibility - raising their children. A person will therefore need to build up an argument (i.e. 'need the money', 'need adult companionship') and then clutch to it firmly.


I agree with this reasoning. I think having a stay at home parent is one of the greatest gifts that parents can give their children if they can manage it. I feel very fortunate that my wife wants to be a stay at home mom and we can afford it.

[wade moore]

If you do what you feel is right for your family, you are unquestionably doing the right thing.

Thread won.

[Marc Vaughan]

I've always felt that people (mostly women) make negative comments like that in order to justify / reinforce the decisions they have made (or are intending to make) with regards to raising their kids. There's probably a certain amount of guilt that a woman feels when they skip out on what has historically been regarded as their biggest responsibility - raising their children. A person will therefore need to build up an argument (i.e. 'need the money', 'need adult companionship') and then clutch to it firmly.

I agree with this - my wife has in the main stayed at home and concentrated on raising our brood, I've found that the people who make the worst comments about it are generally women who for whatever reason aren't at home with their own kids.

PS> My sister's other half is a stay at home 'dad' and he gets it much worse than my wife does .... but for them the situation was reversed (ie. my sister was the main breadwinner) and its equally as logical.

[Drake]

My wife is a stay-at-home-mom (and has been for the last, um -- *counting on fingers* -- fourteen years). Money has gotten tight on occasion when things like unexpected medical emergencies/bills came up, but it isn't a decision we've ever regretted.

If this is something you and your wife want to do, then go for it.

I'd strongly advise you to make a date night where you get her out of the house and out on the town one night a week, though (with or without the baby). My wife's biggest complaint through the years was that she started to feel disconnected from the real world because she didn't have a ton of interaction with other people her age.

[cuervo72]

Definitely. The "mommy wars" are as strong as ever. Basically comes down to "if what you do is different than what I do, then you must be wrong because I have to be right.. and there's no room to consider that there may be differences between us that make one thing right for you and another thing right for me"

Yep, have seen this with breastfeeding vs non-breastfeeding, vaginal delivery vs caesarean section, etc. Some women are not very open-minded with their stances.

[Drake]

That would be because they get the blame if the kids turn out badly. Fathers are supposed to be clueless, so we never have a dog in those fights.

[johnnyshaka]

My wife's maturnity ran out this past April and we decided that she wouldn't go back to work...full-time. I bring home a decent paycheck but we are by no means "set" on my income alone. So, either we make A LOT of sacrifices or my wife could go back to work part-time...work an evening a week and a couple of weekends a month. She decided to go to work and I think we've made the right decision because we do need the extra money but she also gets time away from home, time with adults, and she gets that feeling of helping out with supporting the family. It was pretty funny...when she got her first paycheck she was so excited...which cracked me up because she'd been working full-time for over 10 years and never reacted that way until now.

In fact, I've taken my last couple of days of holidays this year to stay home with our daughter while my wife goes to work. Some of the guys at work joke about me wasting my holidays but there is nothing more that I'd rather do than help my daughter move all of her books from one end of the living room to the other and then back again...sure, I'd love to golf today but there will be plenty of time for golf...when I can take my daughter.

[Lorena]

Seems you can't win in the court of public opinion - but in the end those opinions don't count for anything.

So right

[hawk4669]

My wife is a stay-at-home mom (by choice) to our three children. We seem to be the exception to the rule with a lot of our friends however.

On my salary and benefits, we are just fine. We own our home, buy the toys we want, and do the things we want. Our children never want for anything (unless we make them want that is lol), and life is pretty good.

My wife wants to work/go to school eventually, but is waiting for our youngest to get to full school days (the school the older two go to has half day Kindergarden). Keep in mind however, being a stay-at-home is her choice. I support her in whatever she wants to do.

Keep in mind, however, that with my work schedule (48 hours on duty and away from home, and 96 hours off duty) can be tough on her. Sometimes, with an over time shift, I can be away from home for 96 hours. However, she never complains and works harder than I do a lot of the time. But having a consistant four days off at a time is nice too. Heck, without overtime, I only work 10 days a month! :D

I guess what I'm trying to say, as many others have said, as long as you can cut it financially and both parties are agreeing to the idea of the stay-at-home parent (man or woman), then go for it. There are a lot of benefits. If both parties aren't in to it...it could be a recipe for disaster.

Just my two cents.

Cheers!

[Mizzou B-ball fan]

I have a very unusual situation. My wife is our main income and she works at home. I take care of the baby when she works in the evenings. Once we have a second child, I'm going to quit my job and be a full time Mr. Mom. Nice part is that my wife will still be working at home, so we'll both be able to spend a lot of time with the kids as they grow up.

[Lorena]

Each person is wired differently... some can hack staying home and others can't. I think it's awesome that she can stay home... a lot of families aren't lucky enough to do that, more power to both of you.

[JonInMiddleGA]

Mizzou -- FWIW, the circumstances are kind of different but the application is pretty similar for us. We've both been able to be here with our son virtually all day every day, and it's been a tremendous blessing to have that opportunity.

[ctmason]

What Toddzilla said is right on, because Todd's are smart.

When I kept my second job back in Atlanta (at a restaurant I had worked at since high school) people would see my college ring and make all sorts of lovely comments. It ranged from the curious, "Why are you still here?" to the insulting, "Well, you're not doing very much with your life now, are you?" Likewise when I referred to anything else, for instance the one time I told a customer how much I enjoyed going to the Atlanta Fish Market he snapped back, "Well...you're overpaid, aren't you?"

My point? Listening to other people's interpretation of your decisions is a colossal waste of time. Rare...RARE I say...exceptions are accorded to one's extended family and trusted friends.

As in most things in life, 95% of the time you're surrounded by idiots.

[st.cronin]

Its been my experience that no matter what you do, in any category of activity you can name, there will be x number of people who will insist on telling you that you're doing the wrong thing, or doing it wrong, or doing it for the wrong reasons, etc.

[Toddiec]

If you want some conflict, try being a married couple with no desire to have kids. It was really bad for the first few years of marriage from all sides (including family). It ranged from raised eyebrows to abject shock and disbelief.

It really has got to a point in current society that when you do something that is not "toe-ing" (sp? In fact..is that even a word??) the line with the majority when it comes to family you will be subject to this kind of unfounded scrutiny.

The good news is that it will all die down in a couple of years!

[fjvieane]

When we decided to have kids, my wife made a decision that when we had children that she wanted to stay at home and raise the kids. While the 25% reduction in salary is going to stink it is not going to put us in any financial danger.

We are expecting Sept 5th and her last day is August 31st (barring the baby coming) and she has been telling the customers that she deals with at the bank this. I can't believe some of the crap that she is having to deal with based on customers opinions that they freely give. Everything from relatively mild - "You'll be bored after 1 month so, you'll be back" to "You need to rethink your position. You can't afford it" and then downright insulting "Why would you want to do that?".

I understand that some people just can't afford to do it on one income so, we consider ourselves extremely fortunate that we can do this as I have no desire for to pay for daycare to raise our children but, jeez... appears like my wife is being vilified for this decision and, almost all of these comments are from women. I don't know, maybe they think my wife is a traitor to women's rights and think she is wanting to be some subvervient 50s wife or something, I don't know...

Of course, on the flip side, at my work when I tell people, I just get "Oh, thats great that you can do that", which is all I'd expect people to say. The only thing that bothers me is when people make assumptions on how something will affect me. For example, joking that I'm going to have to sell my Mustang now to get a family car. Well, A.. me and the wife have discussed that and B.. Do you really think I'm selfish to the point of having this even remotely affect me if I had to do this for my child?

Just curious if anyone else has experienced this or what in the world people's logic is. Sometimes, I get the feeling that people think children are just some checkbox that you fill in. Got a car, new house, now I need kids and now, back to the career.



hehe, I get this all the time, why you say??

Well I have been a stay at home dad for 3 years now and it is the best thing I could have ever done. I was the type of person who would work for 12 hours and then volunteer to work over night to supervise installs.

Well needless to say I ended up having an anxiety attack (didnt know of course what it was until after), I then found out I had high blood pressure, high choelesterol and so forth.

My wife told me to quit and stay home with my 6th month old at the time and my son. I did and no regrets.

Who cares what others say as long as you and your wife are comfortable with it, thats all that matters. :)


Fred

[CamEdwards]

First of all, what the heck does Hawk do for a living?

Secondly, my wife's stayed at home with the twins since they were born, and for the past year or so I've been at home during the day as well. I wouldn't change any of this for the world. It's been so great to spend so much time with the kids, and I'm a lot closer to them than I was to my older son at the same age.

We're also lucky that my schedule allows for this, and my wife is able to telecommute as a technical writer part time. If I had to actually pay for daycare right now I'd probably throw up. It's actually cheaper for us to keep the kids home than it is to put them in school somewhere.

As for other people's opinions... they're certainly entitled to spout off, but it doesn't mean you have to listen to them. :)

[Marc Vaughan]

First of all, what the heck does Hawk do for a living?

Not everyone is cut out to be a FBI agent ... sorry Cam ;)

[hawk4669]

First of all, what the heck does Hawk do for a living?


Hehe....I'm a Fire Captain in Northern California.

Cheers!

[Cringer]

PS> My sister's other half is a stay at home 'dad' and he gets it much worse than my wife does .... but for them the situation was reversed (ie. my sister was the main breadwinner) and its equally as logical.

this is my goal in life. I want it oh so badly, but will probably never have it. I envy your brother-in-law.

[CamEdwards]

Not everyone in life was cut out to be a Fire Captain either. You earn your ten day a month workweek, Hawk. :)

[Mustang]

this is my goal in life. I want it oh so badly, but will probably never have it. I envy your brother-in-law.

You are either saying you want to be a stay at home dad OR you are saying you want Marc's sister.

[bmerryman]

We have three young children and we have experienced both sides of this issue. My wife initially thought she wanted to work but abandoned her position before the birth of our third.

I will say this: when it comes to raising your children, it is incredible how many random people will give you their opinion on what you're doing right/wrong. Or, how bad it will be when the kids reach such and such an age. The, "you just wait until they're 6 and 4..." comment.

Therefore, as I start to see others go through what we've gone through, I resist the urge to tell them my opinion unless asked.