I received some sad news yesterday

[Eaglesfan27]

I mentioned to some people that I was going to a professional conference yesterday. Overall, I had a good time as I saw a lot of people I trained with including my main partner in crime my intern year who I hadn't seen in 4 years and it was like we hadn't missed a day. However, one other person who I really wanted to see who I hadn't seen in 3 years wasn't there. I can't believe I let this much time slip away without seeeing him, but I have, and it is irreplaceable now. My very first attending from my intern year. I found out yesterday that he has pancreatic cancer and is off in Seattle where they have reportedly the best treatment for this type of cancer in the country. Still, it is unlikely he will make it through the treatment and I'll probably never see him again which makes me very sad.

This gentlemen, I'm withholding his name for now for a few reasons, is one of the two biggest mentors in my professional life. He has been a brilliant psychiatrist for the past 15-20 years. Much more importantly, he is one of the most kind, compassionate people I've ever met. Regardless, of how antisocial some of our patients were, he always found the good in them. He showed incredible sensitivity to the psychotic patients we worked with and his great sense of humor could bring a laugh out of all but the most depressed patients. He always treated everyone the same which was very kindly. He is one of the best people I've ever had the pleasure of knowing in my life, and I consider myself very fortunate to have had him as my first mentor my intern year. Medical students love him. I love him. Now, I realize I'll probably never see him again. I've told him before how much he meant to me professionally and we became friends once I finished my 6 months working under him, but I never let him know how much he really meant to me. Now, I find myself struggling with what to write in a letter. I don't want it to come across in a way that suggests that I think the battle is a doomed battle which will surely be the implication if I write too much about what he meant to me, as we both know that his chances are slim. Most estimates would say even with the aggressive treatment he is undergoing, he has months left at the best. My wife is busy helping her mom move and she is stressed out as well, so once again I turn to my friends here to be a sounding board and just to try to get some of my feelings off my chest.

[Honolulu_Blue]

Sounds like a great man. I'm sorry to hear this. It sounds like we're all going to be worse off. I wish the best for him, his family, and everyone he's touched.

Cancer's a fucking bitch.

[Raiders Army]

My dad died from cancer last April. These things never come at a good time. Maybe you can see him again or webcam with him? Maybe give him a call instead of writing a letter and feel him out to see how he's doing so you know how to phrase your letter.

[st.cronin]

You could simply tell him how he affected you, and why that means you're pulling for him to pull through - in other words, don't make it a "thanks for all this" but rather, "you need to beat the odds because you are important to me in these ways, and I'm sure important to other people in similar ways."

I definitely sympathize.

[Axxon]

I hate cancer.

Sorry to hear this EF but I'm also really glad you were able to work with him and learn from him. I know that I can see the qualities that you admire in him reflected in you and I think those of us you've befriended here and in your life can be thankful to him for that. Heck, I like the guy already.

Write from the heart to him. He is a doctor. He knows quite well his situation and if it were me, I'd appreciate hearing from those close to me because I'd know that I may never hear from them again and I'd be delighted to hear from them. It would boost my spirits and I think it would help me through my trying times to realize that people cared about me.

I know this is only anectdotal but I've riddden out cancer with a few friends and relatives ( waay too many actually but only a few numerically ) and in every case, they took the reality of their situation far better than their loved ones. I kinda think you have to in order to survive at all. Of course, you know this guy and I don't but it's something to consider.

[Subby]

I think pretty much everything you said here is what you should say to him now. Why wait? Evn when he pulls through he will still be the better for knowing the impact he had on you.

[CU Tiger]

Be honest, totally.
Dont regret what you never said.

Is it asolutely out of the question to visit?
Even if for a day?

My best friend died of cancer in January, he battled for 2+ years, but he definitely had a better handle on it than we did.

I still remember thee last real time we spent together (outside of his death bed) we went for a ride and talked and I said, "Man I am so proud of you and insipred by the way you have been so strong through all this" he grinned and replied "What choice do I have? I can't change it I know what I am facing"

Your friend has thought the worst. Dont mis the opportunity to tell him the best for fear of the insinuation, he has already considered it I am sure.

[cschex]

In my professional capacity, I speak with cancer patients everyday and I agree that he has most likely already considered all of the implication of his diagnosis, especially with his medical background. In my opinion, a letter, video, etc can never be too much or too heartfelt in these situations. There are so many cases in which the patient wants to be able to communicate with loved ones and dear friends but does not for fear of upsetting them. Reaching out in such a manner can mean so much. Of course, you know him best, this is just my generalized opinion. Regardless, I will keep him, his family and you in my thoughts.

[Eaglesfan27]

I would gladly fly to Seattle to visit him, but he doesn't want any visitors at this time, except for his family. I'm hoping once he gets back to the New Orleans area and is done this nasty treatment that he might change his mind.

[Warhammer]

My opinion is that you can send him a letter and basically say that you were shocked that you had let three years slip away with out him knowing what impact he has had on your life and thank him for it, etc.

[Galaxy]

Sorry to hear. Sounds like someone that we all here would miss as a wonderful doctor, and more importantly as a wonderful person.

I would echo the previous posters in regards to what they have suggested.

[MIJB#19]

Iif possible, take something that you learned from him and give it back through the letter. Maybe you could write something encouraging to him or something unrelated that doesn't directly associate to his health situation.

But at least make sure to let something know, you'll regret it if you don't...

[Eaglesfan27]

Iif possible, take something that you learned from him and give it back through the letter. Maybe you could write something encouraging to him or something unrelated that doesn't directly associate to his health situation.

But at least make sure to let something know, you'll regret it if you don't...

I'm definitely going to write something by tomorrow and put it in Monday's mail. Just trying to figure out what to write. I started several different letters last night and ended up scraping each of them.

[Axxon]

I'm definitely going to write something by tomorrow and put it in Monday's mail. Just trying to figure out what to write. I started several different letters last night and ended up scraping each of them.

Try writing slowly, with a duller pen.

[StarBuck]

Eaglesfan, this is such a sad story. But write that letter. You will regret it the rest of your life if you don't. And I'm sure your words would be a gift to this man who is so ill. May I suggest you give him some examples in your personal and professional life where his influence has made a difference? I think if I was on my way out, hearing that my life changed someone else's would be comforting and gratifying, that I wasn't just a blip on the radar.

[BYU 14]

I'm definitely going to write something by tomorrow and put it in Monday's mail. Just trying to figure out what to write. I started several different letters last night and ended up scraping each of them.

Very sad story EF, you have my prayers and sympathies.

I can think of times I have been impacted by people and I have shared my gratitude with them in written form. I go through the same things you are going through, trying to phrase things as eloquently as possible, or rewriting my thoughts several times. It seems I always end up back at just putting my feelings down simply and sincerely. It is usually the simple, considerate things that people do that impact us the most, and sometimes that is also the best way to thank them.

[Dutch]

Good luck with that letter. Sorry to hear the news.

[King of New York]

Definitely write the letter. When you're missing him in the years to come, knowing that you wrote that letter, and that he died (assuming the worst comes to pass) knowing how much great work he had done during his time in this world, will give you something good to hold on to.

Very sorry to hear the sad news, EF27.

[MalcPow]

Yeah definitely write the letter. As much as this sucks, it's actually not often that we have a chance to do something like that before it's too late. Not with real perspective at least.

[Eaglesfan27]

I did write the letter this morning. Nothing eloquent like I tried to write Friday night in the hotel room. Just simple words from the heart. I'm going to look over it one more time before bed tonight and then stick it in the mail tomorrow morning. Thanks to everyone for the advice and well wishes.