What to do about an unwanted family member at your wedding?

[Lathum]

To make a long story short my wedding is in less then 3 weeks. One of my aunts ( my mothers sister) was invited out of courtesy in the hopes she wouldn't attend. Her relationship with her 3 sons has become very estranged since she re-married to a man who abuses her. Her 3 sons I am very, very close with ( one of them is in the wedding), and they have not spoken to her in about 3 years. Complicating things is the cousin who is in the wedding has a 3 year old son who she has never met and desperatly wants to, the son won't be at the wedding.

We figured she wouldn't come because her daughter in Oklahoma had a due date of Nov. 8th and my Aunt would be there for the birth and not the wedding. Well it turns out she had the baby early and my aunt will most likely be attending the wedding ( her husband will not be attending for fear of his life).

Now I am hoping she will be an adult and not use my wedding as an enabler to contact her sons but I am not so confident. Un-inving her is not an option since I feel that would be far more classless then not inviting her at all.

I guess all I can do is sit her away from her sons and hope for the best, I am hopiong my mother will talk to her prior to the wedding and explain to her my concerns.

I am just wondering if anyone else had a similar problem and how they dealt with it.

[lordscarlet]

Nowhere near as serious, but my Mom asked that she not sit with my Dad. In addition, she did not want to be in any posed photos with him. However, it is not a bitter situation. They have been divorced for 25 years, she recently remarried, and she just had no interest in either thing happening. I also have an ex-fiance that my friends all despise. I made sure she did not sit with any of them. However, I know that all of the people involved in the previously mentioned situations are adults and aren't going to make a scene.

So, not sure what to tell you. As you said, you can't un-invite her. The best you can do is sit her away from everyone and hope she behaves. It's possibly even worse if your mother talks to her, because it could offend her that you would feel the need to have that happen. It all depends on what kind of person she is, though.

[albionmoonlight]

How are your ushers? In the unlikely event that she would cause a scene during the ceremony, you can instruct one of your ushers to keep an eye on her and escort her out if she acts up (best if one of your ushers is a friend who does not need to worry about family dynamics).

In the more likely event that she will cause a scene at the reception, is it possible to let the people at the reception hall know? They could escort her out if she starts to cause a scene.

This is your big day. It is not too much to use the strong arm of the usher to keep her from ruining it.

FWIW, at our wedding my cousin's baby would not stop crying. Mrs. A's friend who was ushing kicked her out. I'm sure she was pissed, but everyone else really appreciated it. Remember, other than the "train wreck" aspect of it, no one wants to see this woman ruin your wedding. No one will mind if she ends up being quietly pushed aside (assuming, of course, that she does anything to deserve it).

[Lathum]

I'm not worried about the church so much as the reception...

Thats a good idea to have a friend "keep an eye" on her.

[Mustang]

I also have an ex-fiance that my friends all despise.

uhhhhhhhhh....

You invited an ex-fiance that everyone hates?

Seems a little odd to me.

[Mizzou B-ball fan]

uhhhhhhhhh....

You invited an ex-fiance that everyone hates?

Seems a little odd to me.

Thought the same thing. Sounds like there are more issues than just the family members. I obviously have no clue how that friendship works, but inviting an ex-fiance to a wedding seems like a recipe for disaster.

[RPI-Fan]

Just another reason to avoid courtesy invites in the first place...

[st.cronin]

I don't think you should do anything. Its not your job to make sure people behave at your wedding.

[finketr]

Just another reason to avoid courtesy invites in the first place...

we have a winner

[lighthousekeeper]

i'm trying to understand what the whole problem is. you're trying to prevent a mother from talking with her own sons (who stopped talking to her ever since she started being abused by another man)? :confused:

in general, i would think that it's just women who care about these sort of things; guys are allowed to simply get on without caring about (or even recognizing) any such melodrama. if you're a guy, you get a free pass on this stuff.

[spleen1015]

I would uninvite her.

It is your day. Who gives a shit who you piss off?

[Lathum]

i'm trying to understand what the whole problem is. you're trying to prevent a mother from talking with her own sons (who stopped talking to her ever since she started being abused by another man)? :confused:

in general, i would think that it's just women who care about these sort of things; guys are allowed to simply get on without caring about (or even recognizing) any such melodrama. if you're a guy, you get a free pass on this stuff.

I'm sorry if I want to avoid potential drama on the most important day of my life...:rolleyes:

[Tigercat]

To make a long story short my wedding is in less then 3 weeks. One of my aunts ( my mothers sister) was invited out of courtesy in the hopes she wouldn't attend. Her relationship with her 3 sons has become very estranged since she re-married to a man who abuses her. Her 3 sons I am very, very close with ( one of them is in the wedding), and they have not spoken to her in about 3 years. Complicating things is the cousin who is in the wedding has a 3 year old son who she has never met and desperatly wants to, the son won't be at the wedding.


I will just say, don't think you should enable your cousins to make complete cutting off an option towards a mother who is making a horrible mistake for herself. Not the kind of butting in advice you were looking for, but yea....

[Lathum]

I will just say, don't think you should enable your cousins to make complete cutting off an option towards a mother who is making a horrible mistake for herself. Not the kind of butting in advice you were looking for, but yea....

I really don't much care about there situation, it's just the fact that this will be the first time they have been in the same room in a very long time..

[Neon_Chaos]

Lathum, it is your day. You can do whatever the hell you please.

And advanced congrats! :D

[Tigercat]

I really don't much care about there situation, it's just the fact that this will be the first time they have been in the same room in a very long time..

I hear ya, just have someone talk to her, let her know that this isn't the time or place for confrontations.

[spleen1015]

Yeah, congrats, homie.

It is never too late to change your mind!

[johnnyshaka]

I hear ya, just have someone talk to her, let her know that this isn't the time or place for confrontations.

Agreed. Like you mentioned before, you have your mother talk to your aunt and maybe you can talk to your cousins and ask them to take the high road just for that day. Otherwise, try to not think about their problems and focus on yours...YOU ARE GETTING MARRIED!!!!! Welcome to the club...sucker!!!! :p

[bosshogg23]

Congrats!

If it was my mother's sister, my mother would make sure nothing happened. The courtesy invite was most likely done because of her.

[Neon_Chaos]

The dark side of the force is strong...

[ThunderingHERD]

Yes, it will be unpleasant, but you really don't have a choice here--so just suck it up and hire someone to murder her already.

[duckman]

You could lock them all down in the basement until after wedding is over. Then you can check on the carnage for some post-wedding entertainment.

[rkmsuf]

lol, she's going to get tanked and cause a scene. love it live!

[bulletsponge]

just remember, a cattle prod can solve a multitude of problems

[Telle]

Have your mother talk to her and blame it on the bride.. "She's really freaking out that you're going to cause a big scene and ruin her special day."

[Lathum]

Have your mother talk to her and blame it on the bride.. "She's really freaking out that you're going to cause a big scene and ruin her special day."

lol

[Desnudo]

lol, she's going to get tanked and cause a scene. love it live!

If alcohol is being served, this is the lock of the week.

[wade moore]

uhhhhhhhhh....

You invited an ex-fiance that everyone hates?

Seems a little odd to me.

Thought the same thing. Sounds like there are more issues than just the family members. I obviously have no clue how that friendship works, but inviting an ex-fiance to a wedding seems like a recipe for disaster.

You guys rule.

Seriously, you rule. (for those that don't realize, LS and I are twin brothers).

[cartman]

I hope to see a new entry from the reception in the "What are you YouTubing as of late?" thread...

:D

[Lathum]

If alcohol is being served, this is the lock of the week.

Lucky for us she doesn't drink.

[Klinglerware]

Who pushed to have your aunt invited?

[Lathum]

Who pushed to have your aunt invited?

My mother, but it wasn't really a "push". We also felt a certain sense of obligation and part of me will be glad she is there. I was very close with her growing up and am sorry her life took the turn it did. As long as there isn't an incident and my cousins aren't uncomfortable, I will be glad she is there.

[lordscarlet]

uhhhhhhhhh....

You invited an ex-fiance that everyone hates?

Seems a little odd to me.

Thought the same thing. Sounds like there are more issues than just the family members. I obviously have no clue how that friendship works, but inviting an ex-fiance to a wedding seems like a recipe for disaster.

You guys rule.

Seriously, you rule. (for those that don't realize, LS and I are twin brothers).

Because, as others have said in reference to Lathum's situation, it was my day. I don't give a shit how other people feel: people that I consider to be my good friends are going to be invited whether my other friends like it or not.

[Klinglerware]

My mother, but it wasn't really a "push". We also felt a certain sense of obligation and part of me will be glad she is there. I was very close with her growing up and am sorry her life took the turn it did. As long as there isn't an incident and my cousins aren't uncomfortable, I will be glad she is there.

If you wanted your aunt to be there, then inviting her was the right thing to do. Whether she and/or your cousins and/or assorted interested parties will actually behave, that is something you can't control. As someone who got married a few months ago, perhaps setting up some "out-of-sight, out-of-mind" guidelines with your wedding party ahead of time might be a good idea--for example, having your best-man be an "enforcer" who keeps you from having to hear or deal with any drama. You can't control other people's behavior, but you can make sure that it doesn't detract from your enjoyment of your day.

Again, as someone who just recently went through it, I've come to the realization that while a wedding is your special day, your guests aren't necessarily there to celebrate you. Everyone has their own motivations for showing up, so the best way to approach it is to make sure you put yourself and your wife's enjoyment first; and it helps to be a little remote that day, getting yourself insulated from drama as best you can, and trying your best to get someone else to handle the needs of your guests...

[Lathum]

Thanks Klingerware...

Saldana is the best man, so I'm not sure how much enforcing can be done :)

[Anthony]

I'm sorry if I want to avoid potential drama on the most important day of my life...:rolleyes:

incorrect. your opportunity to avoid potential drama on the most important day of your life ended when you dropped her invitation in the mail.

[duckman]

Your girlfriend is your best man? :D

[Desnudo]

saltines is a guy?

[rkmsuf]

welcome sal bando!

[MikeVic]

Oh geez, but I like santana music!

[Passacaglia]

I think saldana is Michelle Branch.

[Surtt]

Yes, it will be unpleasant, but you really don't have a choice here--so just suck it up and hire someone to murder her already.

I think that would be going a little overboard.

[cartman]

VOTE SURTT

[Passacaglia]

Now that I've made a joke post, I'll be serious. My thinking is the same as cronin's -- just cross your fingers and hope nothing happens. I was in a smiliar situation as you last year, and the family member was annoying, but it wasn't as bad as it could have been.

[sabotai]

JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!

[wade moore]

Because, as others have said in reference to Lathum's situation, it was my day. I don't give a shit how other people feel: people that I consider to be my good friends are going to be invited whether my other friends like it or not.And, fwiw, although we gave him somewhat of a hard time, no one made it show on the day of.

[lordscarlet]

And, fwiw, although we gave him somewhat of a hard time, no one made it show on the day of.

I also have an ex-fiance that my friends all despise. I made sure she did not sit with any of them. However, I know that all of the people involved in the previously mentioned situations are adults and aren't going to make a scene.


:)

[wade moore]

:)

w0rd. I guess I was basically saying that your assumptions were right. With family/friends you know them well enough to know if there will be a scene. Which is to say if Lathum is pretty sure someone will make a scene, they probably will.

I really don't have a solution though. Sounds like a tough situation all around. I'd love to start questioning why we're shutting a woman out when what she probably really needs is love and support, but Lathum is right that his wedding is not the right time to ask those questions. So it seems that crowd control would be a good idea and maybe a pre-emptive discussion with the appropriate parties (and maybe a 3rd party is the best person to do that - not you or your soon to be wife) telling them if they act up, they'll be asked to leave and that you don't care who "started it".

[Lathum]

FWIW My cousins have done everything they can, their mother is the one who is wrong in their situation.

[Logan]

I think we were all just trying to say that you shouldn't have invited wade.

[Warhammer]

Wow, this reminds me of my wedding where half of my wife's family was ready to leave the church. She had wanted her stepfather to walk her halfway down the aisle, hand her off to her dad who would take her the rest of the way down the aisle.

Her dad was fine with it, but her dad's family created a mess after the rehearsal. The day of the wedding they all sat in the last set of pews ready to walk out if she appeared with her stepdad at the back of the church.

[saldana]

I'm not worried about the church so much as the reception...

Thats a good idea to have a friend "keep an eye" on her.

isnt this my job?

[cartman]

isnt this my job?

Nope, your job to make sure the new wife never finds out anything about the bachelor party. Oh, and get Brian to the church on time.

:D

[saldana]

I hope to see a new entry from the reception in the "What are you YouTubing as of late?" thread...

:D

this is definitely my job

[saldana]

Nope, your job to make sure the new wife never finds out anything about the bachelor party. Oh, and get Brian to the church on time.

:D

unfortunately, the bachelor party was pretty unremarkable, and i have already taken steps to make sure brian gets to the church on time (as that was his biggest job 6 years ago...which he actually did a really shitty job of)

in all seriousness, i had a guest at my wedding that had the potential to cause a scene (my brother in law's ex was invited because my wife wanted her nephews to be there).

i had pointed her out to all of my work friends with the instructions that if she started to make any sort of issue about my brother in law being there with his new girlfriend, they were to tell her that I was asking her to quietly leave.

I will personally be taking on this task at this wedding.

[RendeR]

My mother, but it wasn't really a "push". We also felt a certain sense of obligation and part of me will be glad she is there. I was very close with her growing up and am sorry her life took the turn it did. As long as there isn't an incident and my cousins aren't uncomfortable, I will be glad she is there.


Ok here is the kicker for me. YOU are happy she's there, so lets take one piece of good advice and perhaps make it a bit less "toungue in cheeck"

Telle Suggested having your mother talk to her, and I agree wholeheartedly. however do NOT blame this on your bride to be or make any insinuation that she might create a huge scene.

Have 'mom" talk with her and calmly let her know that YOU know she's got to be dying to speak with the boys and the grandchild, but you all hope she will deal with those family isues outside of the wedding and reception time. You might even ask your mother to provide some suggestions to a where and when that they could talk and deal with things. just so that its not coming of as an attack, because that will only lead to her feeling even more hurt and abused than she is at home.

You're her family, don't make her feel like her husband does just because you hate him.(Even if it is for a real good reason.)

She may have made some bad decisions, but I hope she at least has enough common sense to realize you're all just trying to ensure that your wedding day goes off without any glitches whatsoever.


My nickel

[RendeR]

Wow, this reminds me of my wedding where half of my wife's family was ready to leave the church. She had wanted her stepfather to walk her halfway down the aisle, hand her off to her dad who would take her the rest of the way down the aisle.

Her dad was fine with it, but her dad's family created a mess after the rehearsal. The day of the wedding they all sat in the last set of pews ready to walk out if she appeared with her stepdad at the back of the church.


Simplest answer to this is stepping over to where they were seated and stating quite flatly "If a single one of you so much as steps out of this pew you had best go home and never come near the reception, or us afterwards."

and walk away.

They'll either be so utterly shocked that you'd dare say such a thing that they'll sit there stupified, or they'll actually wake up from their self centered bullshit and enjoy the wedding.:D:D

[flere-imsaho]

Yeah, to echo some of the advice already given:

1. Have Mom talk to Aunt, and ask her to do nothing that might cause a scene.

2. Talk to cousins, ask them to take the high road.

3. Find a responsible, calm & large 3rd party to keep an eye on the situation with instructions to escort her out if something happens.

We were lucky in that we had no potential issues, going into our wedding. On the day itself, during the cocktail hour, one of my wife's older relatives started being a bit annoying, at which point my wife asked me to find her Mom. Wife talked to Mom, Mom talked to older relative, and it all ended very quickly.

[AZSpeechCoach]

Thanks Klingerware...

Saldana is the best man, so I'm not sure how much enforcing can be done :)

I had a woman as my best man as well...it was my sister.

[wade moore]

FWIW My cousins have done everything they can, their mother is the one who is wrong in their situation.
I'd love to hear more about this if you ever decided to start a thread on it, but I don't want to dirty up this thread any more than it already is ;).

[korme]

Sorry, I'm late to the party.

Since I live near you, can I come to your wedding?

[14ers]

In addition, she did not want to be in any posed photos with him. However, it is not a bitter situation.

LOL, She is not bitter? And, I suppose all those pictures with the heads missing came that way.:)

[saldana]

Sorry, I'm late to the party.

Since I live near you, can I come to your wedding?

no. no you cant.


(the wedding is in jersey)

[Mizzou B-ball fan]

I think we were all just trying to say that you shouldn't have invited wade.

QFT. :D

[Toddzilla]

I would uninvite her.

It is your day. Who gives a shit who you piss off?That's my suggestion as well. Tell someone who you trust, "I do not want that Aunt at my wedding, call her and tell her she is not invited anymore. This is very important to me, make it happen," and hopefully that will be the end of it. You of all people don't need to be worrying about someone causing a scene on your day of days.

[wade moore]

QFT. :D
;)

[DanGarion]

i'm trying to understand what the whole problem is. you're trying to prevent a mother from talking with her own sons (who stopped talking to her ever since she started being abused by another man)? :confused:

in general, i would think that it's just women who care about these sort of things; guys are allowed to simply get on without caring about (or even recognizing) any such melodrama. if you're a guy, you get a free pass on this stuff.

His wedding is not the place for her to try and mend her issues with her sons.

[DanGarion]

Wow, this reminds me of my wedding where half of my wife's family was ready to leave the church. She had wanted her stepfather to walk her halfway down the aisle, hand her off to her dad who would take her the rest of the way down the aisle.

Her dad was fine with it, but her dad's family created a mess after the rehearsal. The day of the wedding they all sat in the last set of pews ready to walk out if she appeared with her stepdad at the back of the church.
What jerks, I would have told them not to show up if they didn't respect her decision on how she was going to do it.

So did she end up doing it that way?

[Raiders Army]

I think what's forgotten is that your wedding day is about two people: the bride and the groom.

That being said, if you want her to be there I would say the same thing I said to my mother: you may come, but only if you don't cause a scene. You can't prevent it from happening completely, but you can mitigate it by being wise about seating etc. like others have said in the thread.

It's your day. Congratulations and I wish you the best of luck.

[LoneStarGirl]

Speaking of weddings, GoldenEagle and I just got engaged and we think we might have a similar situation. I haven't seen my father in over 8 years and come to find out my grandmother, who i am close to, told him about the wedding and invited him. So I am extremely worried that he is going to show up and cause a lot of tension and stress. These are not things you should worry about on your wedding day.

Also, Congrats Lathum :)