wade moore
11-10-2007, 07:30 AM
So first off - for those that don't know lordscarlet on this board is my twin brother.
I'm not usually one to post much about my personal life on these boards, but I have a long, rambling post to make just because this is a good place to get emotions out at certain times. Plus, even though I do shade my personal life away from the boards I do feel like the people here are a close group of friends so I want them to hear about this stuff.
Anyway.
I need to start with the backstory: Our mother left our father 25 years ago when we were 3. She left because he was an alcoholic and wouldn't stop drinking. Through our childhood we saw our father every other weekend and for long weeks in the summer. While not as close to him as our mother, we kept a strong relationship with him. In adulthood we have seen him less, especially me because I moved about 150 miles away. Through this time he has continued to drink, but has never been a violent, angry, whatever drunk. Anyway, because of the relationship we have I talk to my father maybe every 2-3 weeks on the phone for an hour or so. Besides that we e-mail/IM now and then and I see him when I come up for holidays, and that's probably about it. lordscarlet is a bit closer with him because he lives within 20 minutes, plus he lived with my dad for about 6 months while he was between selling one house and buying another. When I do talk to my dad he does frustrate me sometimes and I know that I can't get off of the phone in a reasonable amount of time. This means often times if I'm busy and he calls or IM's I'll ignore it in order to call him when it is more convenient to me.
Ok, so fast forward to last weekend. On Saturday morning I woke up with the plans to do a ton of yardwork since the leaves were starting to fall. Just before I had out I get an IM from my dad. 90% of the time I would have just ignored it and gone about my business. Instead, I decided that I could talk to him while I picked up the large sticks, etc. before mowing. I call him and I'm telling a story about my flag football game the night before. He asks me a question and I can't understand what he's asking (this happens often with my dad just as a quirk with him). So he asks it again. This happens about 5 times before I say, "It sounds like you're talking a foreign language" to give him a hard time. Then it hits.
He says, "Somethings happened."
We get into talking and essentially when he's talking the wrong words are coming out. He was trying to tell me about his oil furnace/heater for instance and kept saying the "oil burner".
So, to get my mindset at this moment I have to backup again. About 10 years ago our maternal grandparents were traveling cross-country in their RV. They were in Texas and this same thing happened to my grandmother. They went to a doctor, he found nothing wrong (didn't do any CT Scan or anything) and sent her on her way. Two weeks later while visiting her normal doctor she started to feel some numbness in her right arm. Before they could even get her on the doctor's exam bed her entire right side had gone limp. She had a brain aneurism. For the next 5 years or so she was completely unable to communicate (baby talk is all she could get out, couldn't understand enough to nod and shake her head, etc) and paralyzed on the right side of her body. She had to have 24 hour care (provided by an at-home aid during the day combined with her husband and in the evening by their children).
So, I panic. I tell him he has to IMMEDIATELY go to the hospital. I tell him that if he won't/can't that I'd call 911. It took me around an hour and a half to two hours to finally convince him to go to the hospital. Unfortunately LS was visiting New York, so he couldn't just go over there and force him to go. A BIG reason for him not being willing to go to the hospital is that he has not had health insurance for about 10 years. He was laid off from a job he worked at for like 25 or so years. He has worked in various subcontracting type capacities and has a pretty large savings from the sale of a house in Northern Virginia (he now lives in his fathers house that he got in inheritance), etc. But he was just stubborn and would never get health insurance. So, he finally went to the hospital.
By the time he got there his speech was perfectly fine again. However, he had a blood pressure of 260/170. As if that's not scary enough he told the doctors, "Oh, it's always like that - I measure it once a month or so". Back when he had health insurance he was on blood pressure medicine - but after he didn't have health insurance any more he just stopped.
So they did CT Scans, etc. because they figured he had a clot in his brain. In the meantime the put him in the cardiac unit at Fairfax Hospital to work on getting his blood pressure under control.
LS was able to get to the hospital Sunday morning (for all of Saturday and Saturday night my Uncle was there). Apparently some time Sunday the speech thing happened again. It was off and on for periods. I got there Monday morning and it was in the ok range but since about 10:00 AM Monday morning until now it's been pretty bad. At times he can't get any words out and in his best moments he can get 2-3 words of a sentence out.
I'm going to try not to give too much blow by blow at this point. Long story short he has a complete blockage of an artery in the left hemisphere of his brain. The various CTs/MRIs/etc show that he has had some sort of clot for years. They know this because new blood vessels have grown to compensate and bring oxygen to those parts of the brain. Their best guess at this point is that it was a partial blockage until sometime just before this happened a piece of plaque in his carotid broke off and finally 100% blocked it. For whatever reason they cannot just remove the clot (way bigger risk to removing it than leaving it). They say an arterial bypass surgery may be an option, but that's something that they wait somewhere between 6 weeks to 6 months to perform because of the high risk - they want to first see how the body copes.
So, his current situation here as of Saturday, a week later. As I said earlier, his speech situation is a problem (called Expressive Aphasia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aphasia). It's the same if he tries to write - a word here or there is perfectly fine, the rest is garbled. He hasn't been able to type at all. He has some sagging on the right side of his face. He has full strength in all of his limbs. His right hand has some.... I'll call it "dexterity" issues. For instance, when he uses a fork it's awkward. He has some trouble using a pen, etc. Then he has some what the doctors seem to refer to as "reasoning" issues. For a small example I've seen him put his fork in his drink. There are other ways this manifests itself, but for the most part he understands what is going on, etc.
Because of all of this they say that he will need someone with him 24/7 when he leaves the hospital - which right now they are saying is tomorrow. They don't know for how long, but they don't want him to say put a newspaper on the stove because of the reasoning issues. They say it could be as little as two weeks, but for all we know it could be a lifetime.
At this point LS has been with him all through the day from Sunday until now. I drove up Monday morning, but had to come back to work, etc and drove back Wednesday night. I'll be heading back up tomorrow morning in hopes of helping getting him back home. Then if we have to we'll alternate weeks for a couple of weeks before getting homecare of some kind if it becomes long term. LS has been awesome and pretty willing to do whatever it takes - including considering moving him and his wife in if it becomes super long term. Unfortunately I'm in a tough spot of having my life down here and I'm less able to do these things, putting a heavy burden on him.
------------------------------------------------------
Anyway, so.. that's the story.. I've told it 100 times this week. What I haven't done, that this forum makes me a little more able to do, is to just spit out some of the emotional stuff I've gone through. I've really roller-coastered through many emotions throughout the process so I'm just going to try and explain them all just to get it off of my chest.
FEAR: This of course was my most immediate reaction. For all of the issues we've had through life, he's still my father and I love him very much. To see a guy who has always been so independent, my go-to for home improvement, yard work, etc advice - to suddenly not even be able to put sentences together is pretty devastating. I was afraid for how bad it would get. Afraid for whether he might not live through it.
ANGER: Angry at him for not having health insurance. First because it was causing him to delay treatment, then because it could potentially drain much of his savings making the very good decisions he's made with money null and void. He was set up very well at 59 to be able to not work or work very little, yet still be able to maintain his life style for decades. Now - who knows. The fact that he has this much savings will make him ineligible for all/most aid and merely put a big dent in it. Anger for the fact that he has let his blood pressure be out of control. Anger for the fact that he has continued to drink (told the doctor a 6 pack a night).
GUILT: Guilt for being 150 miles away and not able to be there to the full extent that LS has. Guilt that in the long-term I'll be no more able to help than I am now - I'll be lucky to see him every month or so. Guilt that through 28 years of life LS and I have never tried to stop him from drinking. I've always had the mindset that if his wife leaving him with his two kids wasn't enough, what am I going to do? Every time I read about strokes, TIA's, etc and I see the "increased risk if you drink more than 2 beers a night" this guilt hits me again.
ANXIETY: Anxious about the future. I hope he can make a full or close to full recovery. How will I deal with it if my father can never fully communicate again? How will I maintain a long distance relationship with him if he can't talk on the phone? Who will I go to for all of the many things I used to call him for advice on?
HOPE: Hope every time he puts 3 words together. Hope when I see him walk around the hospital with no problem. And hope when I hear how much many stroke victims can recover.
I'm sure there are more emotions, but I'm drained just typing it.
Thanks for letting me get it at all out. I'm not really seeking advice in this post, more just getting it out - but I'm more than willing to take any advice from anyone that has gone through this or has professional experience with it. I'm willing to answer any/all questions if anyone is curious, but my online time will be spotty here and there especially when I go back to the hospital/etc tomorrow.
I think LS will probably try and post at some point too, but since he's at the hospital every day I know it's been a week since he has checked FOFC.
I'm not usually one to post much about my personal life on these boards, but I have a long, rambling post to make just because this is a good place to get emotions out at certain times. Plus, even though I do shade my personal life away from the boards I do feel like the people here are a close group of friends so I want them to hear about this stuff.
Anyway.
I need to start with the backstory: Our mother left our father 25 years ago when we were 3. She left because he was an alcoholic and wouldn't stop drinking. Through our childhood we saw our father every other weekend and for long weeks in the summer. While not as close to him as our mother, we kept a strong relationship with him. In adulthood we have seen him less, especially me because I moved about 150 miles away. Through this time he has continued to drink, but has never been a violent, angry, whatever drunk. Anyway, because of the relationship we have I talk to my father maybe every 2-3 weeks on the phone for an hour or so. Besides that we e-mail/IM now and then and I see him when I come up for holidays, and that's probably about it. lordscarlet is a bit closer with him because he lives within 20 minutes, plus he lived with my dad for about 6 months while he was between selling one house and buying another. When I do talk to my dad he does frustrate me sometimes and I know that I can't get off of the phone in a reasonable amount of time. This means often times if I'm busy and he calls or IM's I'll ignore it in order to call him when it is more convenient to me.
Ok, so fast forward to last weekend. On Saturday morning I woke up with the plans to do a ton of yardwork since the leaves were starting to fall. Just before I had out I get an IM from my dad. 90% of the time I would have just ignored it and gone about my business. Instead, I decided that I could talk to him while I picked up the large sticks, etc. before mowing. I call him and I'm telling a story about my flag football game the night before. He asks me a question and I can't understand what he's asking (this happens often with my dad just as a quirk with him). So he asks it again. This happens about 5 times before I say, "It sounds like you're talking a foreign language" to give him a hard time. Then it hits.
He says, "Somethings happened."
We get into talking and essentially when he's talking the wrong words are coming out. He was trying to tell me about his oil furnace/heater for instance and kept saying the "oil burner".
So, to get my mindset at this moment I have to backup again. About 10 years ago our maternal grandparents were traveling cross-country in their RV. They were in Texas and this same thing happened to my grandmother. They went to a doctor, he found nothing wrong (didn't do any CT Scan or anything) and sent her on her way. Two weeks later while visiting her normal doctor she started to feel some numbness in her right arm. Before they could even get her on the doctor's exam bed her entire right side had gone limp. She had a brain aneurism. For the next 5 years or so she was completely unable to communicate (baby talk is all she could get out, couldn't understand enough to nod and shake her head, etc) and paralyzed on the right side of her body. She had to have 24 hour care (provided by an at-home aid during the day combined with her husband and in the evening by their children).
So, I panic. I tell him he has to IMMEDIATELY go to the hospital. I tell him that if he won't/can't that I'd call 911. It took me around an hour and a half to two hours to finally convince him to go to the hospital. Unfortunately LS was visiting New York, so he couldn't just go over there and force him to go. A BIG reason for him not being willing to go to the hospital is that he has not had health insurance for about 10 years. He was laid off from a job he worked at for like 25 or so years. He has worked in various subcontracting type capacities and has a pretty large savings from the sale of a house in Northern Virginia (he now lives in his fathers house that he got in inheritance), etc. But he was just stubborn and would never get health insurance. So, he finally went to the hospital.
By the time he got there his speech was perfectly fine again. However, he had a blood pressure of 260/170. As if that's not scary enough he told the doctors, "Oh, it's always like that - I measure it once a month or so". Back when he had health insurance he was on blood pressure medicine - but after he didn't have health insurance any more he just stopped.
So they did CT Scans, etc. because they figured he had a clot in his brain. In the meantime the put him in the cardiac unit at Fairfax Hospital to work on getting his blood pressure under control.
LS was able to get to the hospital Sunday morning (for all of Saturday and Saturday night my Uncle was there). Apparently some time Sunday the speech thing happened again. It was off and on for periods. I got there Monday morning and it was in the ok range but since about 10:00 AM Monday morning until now it's been pretty bad. At times he can't get any words out and in his best moments he can get 2-3 words of a sentence out.
I'm going to try not to give too much blow by blow at this point. Long story short he has a complete blockage of an artery in the left hemisphere of his brain. The various CTs/MRIs/etc show that he has had some sort of clot for years. They know this because new blood vessels have grown to compensate and bring oxygen to those parts of the brain. Their best guess at this point is that it was a partial blockage until sometime just before this happened a piece of plaque in his carotid broke off and finally 100% blocked it. For whatever reason they cannot just remove the clot (way bigger risk to removing it than leaving it). They say an arterial bypass surgery may be an option, but that's something that they wait somewhere between 6 weeks to 6 months to perform because of the high risk - they want to first see how the body copes.
So, his current situation here as of Saturday, a week later. As I said earlier, his speech situation is a problem (called Expressive Aphasia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aphasia). It's the same if he tries to write - a word here or there is perfectly fine, the rest is garbled. He hasn't been able to type at all. He has some sagging on the right side of his face. He has full strength in all of his limbs. His right hand has some.... I'll call it "dexterity" issues. For instance, when he uses a fork it's awkward. He has some trouble using a pen, etc. Then he has some what the doctors seem to refer to as "reasoning" issues. For a small example I've seen him put his fork in his drink. There are other ways this manifests itself, but for the most part he understands what is going on, etc.
Because of all of this they say that he will need someone with him 24/7 when he leaves the hospital - which right now they are saying is tomorrow. They don't know for how long, but they don't want him to say put a newspaper on the stove because of the reasoning issues. They say it could be as little as two weeks, but for all we know it could be a lifetime.
At this point LS has been with him all through the day from Sunday until now. I drove up Monday morning, but had to come back to work, etc and drove back Wednesday night. I'll be heading back up tomorrow morning in hopes of helping getting him back home. Then if we have to we'll alternate weeks for a couple of weeks before getting homecare of some kind if it becomes long term. LS has been awesome and pretty willing to do whatever it takes - including considering moving him and his wife in if it becomes super long term. Unfortunately I'm in a tough spot of having my life down here and I'm less able to do these things, putting a heavy burden on him.
------------------------------------------------------
Anyway, so.. that's the story.. I've told it 100 times this week. What I haven't done, that this forum makes me a little more able to do, is to just spit out some of the emotional stuff I've gone through. I've really roller-coastered through many emotions throughout the process so I'm just going to try and explain them all just to get it off of my chest.
FEAR: This of course was my most immediate reaction. For all of the issues we've had through life, he's still my father and I love him very much. To see a guy who has always been so independent, my go-to for home improvement, yard work, etc advice - to suddenly not even be able to put sentences together is pretty devastating. I was afraid for how bad it would get. Afraid for whether he might not live through it.
ANGER: Angry at him for not having health insurance. First because it was causing him to delay treatment, then because it could potentially drain much of his savings making the very good decisions he's made with money null and void. He was set up very well at 59 to be able to not work or work very little, yet still be able to maintain his life style for decades. Now - who knows. The fact that he has this much savings will make him ineligible for all/most aid and merely put a big dent in it. Anger for the fact that he has let his blood pressure be out of control. Anger for the fact that he has continued to drink (told the doctor a 6 pack a night).
GUILT: Guilt for being 150 miles away and not able to be there to the full extent that LS has. Guilt that in the long-term I'll be no more able to help than I am now - I'll be lucky to see him every month or so. Guilt that through 28 years of life LS and I have never tried to stop him from drinking. I've always had the mindset that if his wife leaving him with his two kids wasn't enough, what am I going to do? Every time I read about strokes, TIA's, etc and I see the "increased risk if you drink more than 2 beers a night" this guilt hits me again.
ANXIETY: Anxious about the future. I hope he can make a full or close to full recovery. How will I deal with it if my father can never fully communicate again? How will I maintain a long distance relationship with him if he can't talk on the phone? Who will I go to for all of the many things I used to call him for advice on?
HOPE: Hope every time he puts 3 words together. Hope when I see him walk around the hospital with no problem. And hope when I hear how much many stroke victims can recover.
I'm sure there are more emotions, but I'm drained just typing it.
Thanks for letting me get it at all out. I'm not really seeking advice in this post, more just getting it out - but I'm more than willing to take any advice from anyone that has gone through this or has professional experience with it. I'm willing to answer any/all questions if anyone is curious, but my online time will be spotty here and there especially when I go back to the hospital/etc tomorrow.
I think LS will probably try and post at some point too, but since he's at the hospital every day I know it's been a week since he has checked FOFC.