Thanksgiving Family Crisis!! (Anyone else?)

[molson]

Anybody else have huge famiy disasters over Thanksgiving?

Brief background. My grandfather is 91, and in extremely poor health. He's almost blind, can't walk, and doesn't have much sense of his surroundings. And while I won't get into all the details here, he's not exactly a sympathetic character. All communication I've had with him in my life has been short, forced, if pleasant (Just holidays, weddings, and funerals.)

He lives in a nursing home about 7 hours away, near my aunt, who is a nursing professional and spends an unbelievable amount of time carrrying for him. Late last week, he almost died, and was in the hospital for about a week. My aunt thinks it's a good idea to take him in the car (directly from the hospital), and drive him all the way up here for Thanksgiving. He sits in a chair, off in his own world. Then me and my parents are "stuck" with him overnight Thanksgiving. I didn't sleep a wink. He doesn't know where he is, he's constantly calling out for help, he falls down in the bathroom and we try to carry him back to his bed. That doesn't work, he yells at us and tells us he wants to crawl back, so he does. Later, my father is somehow recruited to "hold the jar" near his bed for him to take a piss. I'm sure there's people that deal with such issues on a regular basis, but for my parents (especially my father), this is just new territory, and completely horrifying.

My aunt shows up the next day and my father says taking him up here was "elder abuse". Shit's on. My aunt, among other things, tells my parents they'll never see her again, she won't tell them when grandfather dies or when the funeral is, hopes that both my parents get ALS and "rot in hell", she also plays the "better sibling" card about how little my mother has visted and how none of her kids (including me), ever write or call grandfather (which is true).

They storm out of the house, presumably, forever. I think she's a nutjob, but I do admire the time she's spent taking care of my grandfather. I also had a great relationship with all my cousins growing up, but now never see them, really due to this tension building between my mother and aunt.

This happened litterally an hour or so ago, so I'm now boarded up in the computer room.

I'm sure many people have dealt with the issue of an aging relative, and have had arguments with other relatives about their care. I can't help but feel some guilt about my aunt's comments directed towards me about ignoring him my whole life, but frankly, the guy's an asshole. I've always tried to be pleasant, but even brief exchanges are very difficult. I have an excellent relationship with my grandmother on the other side of my family.

Not really an ongoing problem though, and shit's definitely quiet around here. But this has been (and will continue to be) spun on my mother's side of the family that we're the most evil people alive. Most that side of the family is concentrated 7 hours south (where my grandfather is), and we've always been considered black sheeps. And to all these family members, we will look pretty awful - the line will be that we bitched about caring for an old relatively until they decided they were no longer welcome, and left. The last interesting wrinkle is that only our small family up north is fully aware of grandfather's "character/moral issues".

Anyone else have any family crisises over Thanksgiving?

[JonInMiddleGA]

Hence the reason many people feel as though being an only child has significant advantages (usually enough to offset the disadvantages).

[terpkristin]

Yikes! That sounds like a mess, molson, I hope that things turn out ok.

This year for my family Thanksgiving was fine, though it usually is for us. Christmas is where we have a bad family tradition of disasters, as for almost every Christmas I can remembere, somebody has either gone to the hospital (or had to be taken) or been in the hospital on Christmas or Christmas Eve.

/tk

[GrantDawg]

No crisis, but have seen stuff like this over the years. It seems when there is a family member in of constant care, there are many conflicts. Your aunt is in "martyr" mode. No one has asked her or forced her into this role, and what she does is admirable. Yet, it doesn't give her a right to crap on everyone else that can't do what she does. And then there is guilt on your part, as well as your parents I'm sure. In reality, there's not much you can do to help someone in your grandfather's current situation, but it is hard not to feel guilt even in the hopelessness of it all. I' sorry you are having to go through this (and your father is right, there was no sense in dragging someone in your grandfather's condition that far).

[Lorena]

No crisis, but have seen stuff like this over the years. It seems when there is a family member in of constant care, there are many conflicts. Your aunt is in "martyr" mode. No one has asked her or forced her into this role, and what she does is admirable. Yet, it doesn't give her a right to crap on everyone else that can't do what she does. And then there is guilt on your part, as well as your parents I'm sure. In reality, there's not much you can do to help someone in your grandfather's current situation, but it is hard not to feel guilt even in the hopelessness of it all. I' sorry you are having to go through this (and your father is right, there was no sense in dragging someone in your grandfather's condition that far).

Yeah, I was gonna say it was rude of her to just drop him off and take off... not cool at all. I guess I can see why she did it, but still.

Sorry you're going through this molson.

[rowech]

Oh you bet...

My grandpa died 2.5 years ago. Since then, my aunt and dad have been fighting over anything and everything as it relates to his will, my grandma, or anything else they want to be pissy with each other about. It mostly boils down to control. My dad is 16 years older and has been the executor of the will. My aunt is closer to my grandma than my dad and wants to be as well. My dad lives closer (5 miles) than my aunt (40 miles) but he doesn't do as much to help my grandma. Most of the time, my grandma simply does whatever my aunt says to do which frustrates my dad to no end. My aunt believes my dad will "cheat" my grandma which is why she wants in control of everything. Grandma is still living on her own but she needs to either a) move to a one-story house, b) in with either my aunt or dad, or c) move to some sort of retirement home. She doesn't want to so my aunt backs her.

Around the first week of November, my brother and his wife say they will be doing Thanksgiving because her parents will be up from Florida. Everyone is aware and Grandma is supposed to pass the message on to my aunt. Shortly thereafter, my aunt declares she's having Thanksgiving and she needs to know who is coming so they can order the right amount of food. All hell breaks loose when my aunt feels slighted after not being invited. Grandma swears she told and my aunt says she didn't. My aunt simply says she'll still have Thanksgiving and basically only has grandma down while everyone else goes to my brother's which pisses her off more as now everyone "supports" my dad.

To further complicate matters, we all come from a small town of about 25,000 people yet my aunt and I live in the "big city" of Dayton, Ohio. We are looked at as snobs because we left the great small town that the entire family lives in and despite being only 45 minutes away are treated as outsiders. I'm viewed in the same boat as my aunt because of the fact we left. I don't really support either of them because they're all acting like 2 year olds but I'm definitely caught in the middle.

Because we have relationships with both sides, we decide we'll have Christmas dinner so there's no debate about who is going to have it and everyone will be okay with coming here. Aunt and dad both declare they won't be coming if the other one is there. It will make Christmas absolutely miserable as well.

[StarBuck]

My sympathy to any who had a Dysfunctional Family Holiday.

It all went as well as it could. My 2 normal brothers were there, my boyfriend and my alkie brother's 13 year old daughter. The alkie brother was not interacting all day or at the table, he decided to do his annual holiday room sequestering. (He picks Thanksgiving and Xmas to do this for maximum impact)

But came out towards the end of the night when his daughter went into her room for something, and yelling at her because she was out with us having Thanksgiving. He felt she should take his side and hate us for the day and ruin everyone's holiday.

I was wondering where she was and went to go see what was taking her so long to come back to the table. She was crying in her room and told me he told her to kill herself and he'd dance on her grave. I hugged her but she and I kept this from everyone so they could continue to enjoy the day.

Other than my brother the rest of us actually managed to have a great day together. Too bad his kid's day was ruined.

He is bi-polar drug addict and alcoholic since the age of 18 and is now 51 and lives with my elderly parents with his daughter. He refuses to leave and my parents are too old and ill to deal with it. At this point he is totally ill in all ways.

She also told me he has hit her recently. Grabbed her by the throat. So he has crossed the line. I had no idea how bad it was because she never told anyone what he says to her, etc. I'm also pretty sure he will get to this point with my mom and dad. He is already raging at them. I feel so powerless, because I'm not sure what to do. She does not want to be removed from my parents, but also does not want to live in this. She told me she has seen a dyfs counselor who ordered my brother to go into a program but he refused. They think he is going to AA meetings, but he isn't. His daughter tells them he is and everything is fine because she doesn't want to be taken out of my parents home.

I'm going to let my poor parents enjoy the glow of a day with their normal kids for a few days and then tell them they have to remove him and what is going on they don't know about.But She doesn't want anyone to know though.

Such a fustercluck I'm not sure what to do.

[Radii]

Wow, makes my family seem normal. Sorry that you are going through this Molson.

I have different weird things happen each holiday. This year my mom made dinner but decided she needed a nap before she could finish. We were scheduled to eat at 1, my grandfather, sister's boyfriend and some family friend's all arrived... and mom took a nap at 12:45 and didn't get up til 2. Just.. weird. If that's the weirdest thing that happens this weekend though I'll consider myself lucky :D

[hoosierdude]

I have to say as a primary caregiver for your grandfather she shouldn't have fostered him on your parents for the holiday. That was immature and irresponsible of her.

He should have been home in his comfort zone, instead of your home for the holiday. She was wrong to do so, and your father was right for calling her on the carpet for it. Your parents did not have the things that they needed to deal with him for that short period of time, and she was just "making" you deal with it instead.

It is difficult to deal with elderly folks, much less those that have other issues that make their lives less than perfect in their golden years. I say your parents made the right call telling her she screwed up. The aunt didn't play fair with you guys just dumping him on you.

Sad that she has to play that "better than you" card because she takes care of him. Some people are better suited to deal with this, emotionally and physically, not even mentioning financially as well.

Why would she bring him directly from the hospital? That sounds really stupid and suspect motives to me. The guy was going to be unsettled enough as it is, but to take him out of the comfort zone... man that is harsh.

[Raiders Army]

No stories here, just that my daughter kept on messing up singing on Rock Band so I had to bench her.

[sterlingice]

Maybe you should start her as your AAA drummer so that you have a prospect to call up in the future.

SI

[Raiders Army]

Maybe you should start her as your AAA drummer so that you have a prospect to call up in the future.

SI

Good idea. She (my lead singer) and my son (lead guitar) keep on fighting. I think they're going to break the band up.

[molson]

Hillarious postscript to all this.

My grandfather died about 6 weeks later. Between thanksgiving and his death, his will was changed to cut off my parents (and ultamitely, me and my siblings). My grandfather had almost no mental capacity at this point, and my Aunt ran ALL of his affairs.

We're not talking Paris Hilton money here or anything, but this is pretty sick behavior. I'm 100% sure the was the scam from day 1. My aunt (as his caregiver), knew the end was near, so she orchestrated this Thanksgiving Day crisis so she could fill his head with things, and get the will changed.

My limited knowledge of Wills (1 law school scourse, studied it for the bar exam), tells me that this would be a good undue influence case. But it's doubtful my parents would want to bother going down that road- they're not very materalistic, and live modestly but comfortably.

I'm not heartbroken about the money but do feel like I need to throw myself into the family politics a little here and tell my uncle (the third sibiling of my mother and aunt) what really went on.

[Mizzou B-ball fan]

I'm not heartbroken about the money but do feel like I need to throw myself into the family politics a little here and tell my uncle (the third sibiling of my mother and aunt) what really went on.

Honestly, unless you really need the money, I'd just let it be. Engaging in any sort of battle with your aunt is just going to draw out the situation and drag you down. Just move on and let her have her way.

[molson]

Honestly, unless you really need the money, I'd just let it be. Engaging in any sort of battle with your aunt is just going to draw out the situation and drag you down. Just move on and let her have her way.

Agreed, I have no interest in fighting for the money at this point, but I feel like I need to say something to the rest of the family about what really happened (at least in terms of what I saw and heard, not necessarily my conclusions about her motivation). My aunt is painting my parents in a completely fictional light with the rest of the family (I have no idea what she's actually telling them).

I didn't go to the funeral, but my mother did (her brother told her about it, my aunt was planning on keeping it a secret). My aunt wouldn't talk to my mother at the funeral and reception itself, and instead relayed various instructions to her through 3rd parties. The rest of the family is like, WTF?

It's sad because I like my cousins (aunt's kids), and this is just a huge dark cloud over that, that I think their aunt is a disgusting human being.

[JediKooter]

You should find that guy that poops on peoples' door steps and send him over to your aunts.

[Mizzou B-ball fan]

Agreed, I have no interest in fighting for the money at this point, but I feel like I need to say something to the rest of the family about what really happened (at least in terms of what I saw and heard, not necessarily my conclusions about her motivation). My aunt is painting my parents in a completely fictional light with the rest of the family (I have no idea what she's actually telling them).

I didn't go to the funeral, but my mother did (her borther told her about it, my aunt was planning on keeping it a secret). My aunt wouldn't talk to my mother at the funeral and reception itself, and instead relayed various instructions to her through 3rd parties. The rest of the family is like, WTF?

It's sad because I like my cousins (aunt's kids), and this is just a huge dark cloud over that, that I think their aunt is a disgusting human being.

I'm not sure you're giving the rest of your family enough credit. I have a feeling that they know quite a bit about the situation. She's likely controlling in most of the situations she involves herself in. I'm sure they've had conflict with her as well at some point. As far as her kids, I'm sure they know too. If she's that venomous, you're better off not making yourself a target and leaving your parents to deal with it, if they even want to bother.

[stevew]

Wow, I missed this the first time around, sorry for everything. I guess we're going through something similar, but my dad is more or less the one who's stuck in the middle. Grandma was going to come and live with him....after about 6 months it became obvious that she wasn't merely old, but that she needed constant help. So they put her in a home. Now my dad and mom are the only ones that ever go see her it seems, and you can tell there is some bitterness because of her being in that home. And cause it's such a large expense there, I think some of the brothers/sisters still wish she was staying with my parents for free.

Anyways, on a side note, what are you supposed to do if you have no real relationship with your grandparents? I really don't think we ever bonded much with either set when I was a child. When my one grandmother died, I guess I was more sad that I didn't really know her very well. And sad that my mother was sad. More than being sad that I would never see her again.

[Dr. Sak]

I have some family members who like to twist things to try and make themselves look great while trashing my parents and myself. My best advice to you is to take the high road with that person. Don't stoop to their level, let them spread their lies because pretty soon they will get caught up in them. These types of people get off on make other people's lives around them miserable, mainly cause their's sucks. They just want to bring you down to their level.

Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but the truth will come out.

[sabotai]

Something similar happened when my great-grandfather died. My great-grandmother wasn't really able to take care of herself, and my aunt was a greedy bitch. She was able to get everything my great-grandmother owned put under her control.

When my grandmother found out, she was able to essentially get that reversed (and my great-grandmother moved to Florida to be near my grandmother), but not before my aunt was able to clean my great-grandmother's house out of all the money that was there, along with a lot of old family pictures, heirlooms, etc. My great-grandfather paid for everything in cash. He did buy a car several months before he died, so we know there wasn't that much in the house, but probably still a considerable amount.

After that, my aunt was cut completely off from the rest of the family. She still tries and calls my grandmother whenever she needs or wants money (which my grandmother never gives her). When my great-grandmother died years later, my grandmother sent her a letter telling her. That's all the contact she has gotten from our end. This all happened over 15 years ago.