Need help with a dilemma...

[oliegirl]

One of my son's best friends has 2 older sisters - 13 and 16. They live next door to us and I have gotten to be kind of friends with both of them, and they have both told me that they look at me as kind of a "second mom". They come over and hang out, we talk about girl stuff...boys, makeup, dating, etc...

I have found out from the younger sister that the older girl is starting to experiment with sex. She just recently lost her virginity to an older guy (19), and is, in my opinion, getting in WAY over her head, ie: threesomes, etc. Do I try to talk to her about it or do I just stay out of it and try to be there for her when the fallout hits? I did say to the younger sister that I thought she was getting in over her head and wished I could talk to her about it, all she said was "well you know she looks at you as a second mom". So I'm wondering if she was trying to ask me to get involved without coming out and asking.

I know you guys will probably have a field day with this, but I do really care for these girls so I'd appreciate at least some serious responses that might help me figure out what to do...

[Bad-example]

Crucial imformation missing: what is the mom like?

[st.cronin]

What is the "etcetera" that goes with threesomes? Genuinely puzzled by that.

What is the "fallout" you are anticipating?

Most importantly, what do you think are reasonable expectations of how you can impact this girl? That seems like where you should start.

[st.cronin]

Also keep in mind that the younger sister may not be completely reliable.

[DaddyTorgo]

I think the question of "what is the mom like" is important - is she going to be upset that you're sort of...horning in on her turf, or will she be okay with that?

that said - I think if she's okay with it then you should definitely at least...try to engage the older girl in conversation

[Chubby]

tell the other mom what the younger sister told you and have her deal with it.

[oliegirl]

The parents are not very involved with the kids from what I've seen, the son spends the night with us a lot, and the 2 older sisters are the ones who kind of keep an eye on him and everything. They are nice, but just not what I would consider to be active and responsible parents. They put a lot of responsibility on the kids and in some ways just let them do what they want and don't keep tabs on them as far as where they are going or who they are spending time with. But on the other hand, the dad seems very protective of the girls when it comes to boys and stuff.

The sister is reliable. A part of me is wondering if she was telling me all this stuff because she wants me to talk to her sister about it all. If the parents found out this was going on the older sister would be in REALLY huge trouble, I'm wondering if she sees me as a way to help her sister but also keep her out of trouble with the parents.

BTW, the experimenting that is going on is with the older guy she lost her virginity to. They "broke up" few weeks ago, the sister told me it was b/c she found out he was just using her for sex. Now she claims she is mad at him, but then all this other stuff is going on...seems like she is "in love" with him and is trying anything to keep him around. I'm just really worried and concerned about her and don't want to see her get into a situation she can't get out of.

[MikeVic]

I really have no idea.

[Ironhead]

Honestly, no matter how distant her parents seem it is ultimately their responsibility to deal with the matter. Not trying to say cover your own ass, but what if something were to happen to the 16 year old and you knew about the involvement? If I recall you live in Georgia but even if the age of consent there is 16 this seems like a bad situation. Maybe this could be the impetus to show the parents that they need to keep a closer eye on their children. Yes, relationships would likely be damaged but it seems like the most prudent thing would be to let the parents know.

[st.cronin]

I don't like the idea of telling the parents. Tell the 13 year old to tell the parents, yes; tell the 16 year old that she should talk to her parents, fine.

[Bad-example]

The younger girl seems worried about the elder and that is why she came to you, an authority figure. I believe I would either try convincing the younger girl to talk to her mom or dad, or, failing that, I would probably bite the bullet and do so myself.

[oliegirl]

Well, the younger sister and brother are here, I am taking them all to the pool in a few minutes. I asked the sister if the reason she told me that stuff was b/c she wanted me to talk to her sister and she said yes...she's really worried about her and knows if her parents find out it will be "seriously bad". I'm going to mull it over for a day or two and figure out how to approach it with her and go from there.

[st.cronin]

Honestly, it doesn't sound like its that bad a situation. She wouldn't be the first 16 year old girl to lose her cherry to a 19 year old douchebag, and she wouldn't be the first girl to go too far too fast. Those aren't, imo, warning signs that she's headed for a bad end or a career in porn.

[Lorena]

oliegirl, it seems like you're taking on the responsibilities of being the parent here.. taking the kids to the pool, being there for them when their own parents aren't, and now having to deal with this sex issue? Eh.. I dunno. If it was me, I would stay out of it, not my kids, not my problem... they're gonna have to learn by experience.

[Autumn]

I would definitely talk with the older sister. Give it a try, at least. She's probably really unsure of herself, and may appreciate the chance to talk with someone who's notn going to blow up at her. Worst that could happen is she'll refuse to talk, but even then at least she'll know there's someone she *could* talk to.

[Cringer]

What is the "etcetera" that goes with threesomes? Genuinely puzzled by that.


Would you like me to send you some links that will help you out with this question? :D


BTW, I had not looked at who started the thread until I got to the 'second mom' part, I then looked because I laughed about one of the guys on here being thought of as a second mom.

[Cringer]

Oh, tell the 16 year old to be safe. Make it short and sweet, don't dwell on it with her. You are not her mom, and she may say you seem like a second mom but that is because you are actually a friend.

[MikeVic]

Thank you for being my friend.

[Rizon]

16 years old seems a little late to start getting into all this.

[Pumpy Tudors]

Thank you for being my friend.
We've traveled down the road and back again.

[MikeVic]

We've traveled down the road and back again.

Your heart is true, you're a pal and a con-fi-dant.

[korme]

16 years old seems a little late to start getting into all this.

Rizon 1
The rest of FOFC 0

[jeff061]

I don't know. If you can't help but get involved, keep it casual and stress the safe sex thing. If she doesn't want to stop she's not going too, just let her get it out of her system without popping a kid out.

If it looks like she's falling in with a bad crowd, tell the parents.

[Autumn]

I don't see any problem with feeling liek a second mom, and getting involved in something like this. Maybe these days it's unusual for someone not in your nuclear family to be that involved in a kid's life, but that doesn't make it bad. If she has you to lean on as well as her parents, that's all the better for her. Give her as much help as you're comfortable giving her. I think our culture has become afraid to get involved in each other's lives, and that's too bad.

[rowech]

You have to cover your ass and tell the parents. Sorry. If something terrible happens, and they find out you knew what was going on, it could be miserable for you.

[st.cronin]

I agree with Autumn.

[oliegirl]

oliegirl, it seems like you're taking on the responsibilities of being the parent here.. taking the kids to the pool, being there for them when their own parents aren't, and now having to deal with this sex issue? Eh.. I dunno. If it was me, I would stay out of it, not my kids, not my problem... they're gonna have to learn by experience.

I don't think I'm taking on parental responsibilities...I only take them to the pool with us because then my son has friends to play with, which means I get to actually relax and work on my tan instead of having to constantly keep him entertained.

I'm going to talk to her, but more of just a "please be careful and if you need someone to talk to, I'm here" kind of thing instead of a lecture-y type of talk that would be more like what she'd get from her parents. I just don't want her to think that she has to do this type of stuff in order to have a boyfriend...

[johnnyshaka]

I would put yourself in the other parents' shoes. Say you found out that a) your teenage daughter was having sex and b) your neighbour, who she spends a lot of time with, knew about it and didn't choose to tell you as soon as she found out...how would you feel towards your daughter and towards your neighbour? And if something happens to your daughter (pregnancy, STD, rape, etc...) and you find out about the neighbour knowning about it, and that the neighbour "talked" to your daughter, and again never said anything to you...how would you feel?

Definitely a tough situation but at this point, being a friend to this girl may mean that you need to either have her speak to her parents or do that yourself. But, at the same time, if the parents react badly, that could really drive the girl into an even worse situation and that could easily lead to you no longer having a relationship with the girl.

That is quite the pickle.

[Flasch186]

speaking of pickles.

I kid....


olie, Write a letter and stick it in the neighbor's mailbox ;)

[Edward64]

Assuming the girls' family is typical/normal (ex. no abuse) etc. my vote is to put yourself as the girl's mother and ask what you would want to happen.

I suspect the answer basically boils down to that you would want to be told. I think I would approach it


Talk to the younger daughter and tell her you will talk to older daughter and then mom.
Talk to the the older daughter, do what is needed etc. and tell her you will tell her mom.
Talk her mom/dad with or without the daughters, be prepared to lose the relationship with parents and older daughter.


As in most things, although what you say is important, the key is how you say it.

Tough choices, good luck.

[Autumn]

Certainly the mother would like to know, and in the best of worlds the daughter would tell the mom, and the mom wouldn't flip, and things would work out. But that hasn't happened.

It's also not mandatory, I don't think. A sixteen year old who went to the doctor over sexual concerns would be offered confidential care. And the fact that the younger sister went to you for help suggests there's a discomfort about going straight to the parents.

I wouldn't recommend just telling the parents. I would recommend talking to the older sister, and strongly urging *her* to tell the parents, and offering to help her do that even. She may feel like she needs some support, and telling the parents is going to rule you out as someone she can go to. Kids that age need someone they can talk to in confidence. If it's not a parent or an adult role model, it's going to be a peer or a sleazy 19 year old guy.

[st.cronin]

I think better than asking "what would I want if I were the mother" is asking "what would I find helpful if I were this 16 year old girl?" Parents don't always know what's best, after all.

[Edward64]

I think better than asking "what would I want if I were the mother" is asking "what would I find helpful if I were this 16 year old girl?" Parents don't always know what's best, after all.
I suspect the odds are heavily in the odds of the parents vs girl.

[johnnyshaka]

I think better than asking "what would I want if I were the mother" is asking "what would I find helpful if I were this 16 year old girl?" Parents don't always know what's best, after all.

Unfortunately, parents who don't know best usually aren't all that open to unsolicited advice from neighbours.

[Silver Owl]

Being the father of a teenage daughter I think that I agree with Autumn.
I think the parents NEED to know and offering to speak with the parents with her seems to be the best solution.
If I was the father of the girl I would probably be less likely to commit murder ( the 19 year old sleazebag ) if there was a witness.

[JonInMiddleGA]

Something kind of jumped out at me here, figured I'd throw in at least one cent worth because of that.

I just don't want her to think that she has to do this type of stuff in order to have a boyfriend...

Seems as though she may already think that.

I'm going to talk to her, but more of just a "please be careful and if you need someone to talk to, I'm here" kind of thing

That doesn't necessarily dispel the myth above. In order to try to do that, you're going to have to go a reasonable way down the road toward what a teen might consider a lecture.

[thealmighty]

WWRCD?


As a father of 3 daughters, I can tell you that even good parents are out of the loop these days, no matter their interest level or participation in their child's life. Whatever you decide, do it now, not a few days from now. Nike up!!

[Jim G.]

Just throwing some stuff out there...

Since the 13-year-old came to you, you have to look at this from her perspective. What is the best result for her?

You can't assume the 16-year-old feels the same way. She may like you and look up to you, but since she hasn't come to you for advice, your potential impact on her behavior is limited.

Since the 16-year-old has confided in the 13-year-old, you can assume they are very close and share each other's confidence.

In fact, this is likely, long-term, the most important relationship in the younger girl's life.

Since going to you most likely breaks the confidentiality of their relationship, the worst possible result of your interference would be creating a rift between them. I can't emphasize this enough.

This is a tough situation. The younger girl is upset, because her sister is growing up quickly, and not necessarily in the smartest fashion. She is likely on a more even keel than her hormone-addled sister at the moment. To make matters worse, the older sister is at an age when she's most guarded of her privacy and least likely to receive advice in a positive manner.

To go to the parents would be a mistake. If they were more observant, they'd be in a position to better handle this in the first place. The younger daughter would have gone to them.

To go to the older girl directly presents a problem. She may have sworn her sister to secrecy, and the only impact you'll have is to confirm betrayal outside of the family. You will instantly lose the ability to help either one. That's too high a risk.

You must work through the younger girl.

Praise her for coming to you. Explain that first developing adult relationships is difficult, and, while there are many dangers, curiosity itself does not make someone a bad person.

Tell her she needs to be the one to help her sister directly. It's a significant burden, but one she's ready for. Then give her the pros and cons of each potential approach to the problem. Let her decide.

Should she encourage her sister to confide in you? Should she tell her parents? Should she get specific advice from you and pass it along as hers (as in "I read this book where the main character got this STD and it turned her hoo-hoo into a huh-huh")? Should you give her pamphlets from the local Planned Parenthood to pass along?

Tough situation, but I think it's better to play it out slowly than quickly, unless you see an immediate physical danger. One mis-step and you completely lose the ability to help either girl.

[oliegirl]

Thanks for all the thoughts and suggestions...I've been thinking about it a lot today, trying to decide the best way to handle it.

When I talked to the younger sister earlier today and she told me that she wants me to talk to her sister, I explained that the main reason I hadn't said anything up to this point was because I didn't want to cause any problems between them. I also said that when I talk to the sister, I will do my best to make it sound like younger sister just mentioned things in conversation and I picked up on them and started asking some questions, and give little sister as much deniability as I could, and that whatever I told big sis that she told me, I would make sure to emphasize that it was all done out of concern.

That being said. I've put myself in the parents place and tried to figure out how I would want it being handled. In a "perfect world" situation, I'd want to know what was going on with my kid. However, we don't live in a perfect world, so if the tables were turned, and this was my child...I'd want to know that he/she had someone they could go to who they trusted and felt comfortable with. The bottom line is that a threesome is not a good thing for a 16 year old girl who has just recently lost her virginity to be involved in. There is no discussing that, it's just a bad thing and the ramifications, both physically and mentally are what is causing me to be concerned.

I'm planning on talking to her in the next few days, I had the opportunity today but wasn't ready. Depending on how that goes will determine if I go to the parents or not. If I do end up going to them, I'll go to the mom, and probably won't give "gory details", just say that I've become aware of some things that have been going on between daughter/friend/guy, and I just think she needs to keep a real close eye on the situation, not leave them all alone together, be aware of who is in her house at all times, etc...and also ask that if they confront daughter about it, they leave me out of it so that she can still come to me if there is a problem. This will solidify my trust in the mom's eyes, and also leave daughter with someone to turn to in the future.

One of my best friends has a 10 year old daughter, I'm going to talk to her about it tomorrow and get her opinion...she knows the kids and has met the parents once or twice, so I'm hoping she'll be able to give me some additional insight. I'll keep y'all posted though and let you know how it all turns out.

[stevew]

no "pix plz k thx" in the first 40. FOFC is getting classy

[stevew]

What is the "etcetera" that goes with threesomes? Genuinely puzzled by that.


Midget clowns.

[oliegirl]

no "pix plz k thx" in the first 40. FOFC is getting classy

I know! I was quite impressed with the men of FOFC, I'm thinking (hoping?) it b/c the girl in question is 16... :)

[Lorena]

One of my best friends has a 10 year old daughter, I'm going to talk to her about it tomorrow and get her opinion...she knows the kids and has met the parents once or twice, so I'm hoping she'll be able to give me some additional insight. I'll keep y'all posted though and let you know how it all turns out.

Wait 'til the parents find out the friendly neighbor wanted to "help" and instead created gossip for everyone to talk about.

[oliegirl]

Wait 'til the parents find out the friendly neighbor wanted to "help" and instead created gossip for everyone to talk about.

It's not creating gossip at all. My friend lives about 60 miles away, our kids go to different schools, and the only time she met the parents was at a party I had a few months ago. She knows the kids because her daughter spends time at our house over the summer and all the kids play together.

[JonInMiddleGA]

It's not creating gossip at all.

How you perceive it and how the parents of the troubled teen perceive it if they ever find out might be two different things. Just saying ...

[RendeR]

I commend you for taking the time and effort to at least try and help the girl as well as being a role model and somone they can trust olie.

Kids need that, especially if their parents are as out of touch as you describe.

*hugs* keep up the good work hon.

[oliegirl]

How you perceive it and how the parents of the troubled teen perceive it if they ever find out might be two different things. Just saying ...

True. And if I thought there was a chance that the information would get back to them, or anything like that, I would never tell my friend. But I know that won't happen, and even if the opportunity presented itself, she would never say anything. I mainly just asked her for her opinion as the mother of a daughter, how she would want things to be handled. It helped me a lot.

I guess I don't see a great way for this to play out...if I go directly to the mom, then 2 negative things happen...the sister finds out and is mad at the younger sister, and they both lose their trust in me. I don't see how that will help the situation at all. If I try to talk to her, there is at least a chance that I can help her understand that is not healthy behavior for a 16 year old, and avoid things from escalating into something destructive. If I talk to the daughter without the parents knowing, I risk them finding out and being mad at me, which is understandable. But I think trying to help the girl is more important right now.

[lordscarlet]

So it's not gossip because they'll never find out?

[lordscarlet]

dola: I really don't think it's a problem for you to discuss it with your friend, I'm just sayin'...

[JonInMiddleGA]

I guess I don't see a great way for this to play out

Sorry to say it but I believe that's the definitive sentence in the entire thread.
Truth is, there isn't much chance of a perfect resolution, just several imperfect possibilities.

[oliegirl]

So it's not gossip because they'll never find out?

I consider "gossip" to be harmful, and since this conversation I had with my friend will not get back to the parties involved, and since the conversation was had in order to try to help the girl, I guess no, I don't consider it gossip.

[lordscarlet]

gos·sip /ˈgɒsəp/ noun, verb, -siped or -sipped, -sip·ing or -sip·ping.
–noun
1. idle talk or rumor, esp. about the personal or private affairs of others: the endless gossip about Hollywood stars.

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/gossip

[JonInMiddleGA]

1. idle talk or rumor, esp. about the personal or private affairs of others

Based on the definition, there's probably a pretty reasonable argument that this wouldn't qualify since it wasn't idle, it was with a specific purpose.

[Autumn]

Exactly. Gossip about celebrities is exactly that because it's none of our business, and we aren't intending to do anything useful with it. Talking about your friends with the intent to help them is not gossip.

[Lorena]

Yes it's to help, but I don't think the parents would see it that way.

[RendeR]

Yes it's to help, but I don't think the parents would see it that way.


If in the end it helps the teenager out of a bad situation or at least gets her talking to someone so she can make better decisions for herself then I think you'll be wrong here.

it could go badly, that depends on the girl. But if the situation is as described and Olie is a'friend' and talks to her about it as such, then I think a positive result is more than plausible.

Its going to come down to how gently olie can broach the subject and how willing the older girl is to actually talk to her about it.

I wish to god someone had been MY Oliegirl when i was a teen. I lost my firginity at 12 and had all sortsw of weird issues about sex until I was 20-something. I never had anyone to turn to or talk to about it and it sucked.

I for one am extremely happy that Olie can be there for these kids. The parents will be too if they have half a brain.

[Lorena]

If in the end it helps the teenager out of a bad situation or at least gets her talking to someone so she can make better decisions for herself then I think you'll be wrong here.

it could go badly, that depends on the girl. But if the situation is as described and Olie is a'friend' and talks to her about it as such, then I think a positive result is more than plausible.

Its going to come down to how gently olie can broach the subject and how willing the older girl is to actually talk to her about it.

I wish to god someone had been MY Oliegirl when i was a teen. I lost my firginity at 12 and had all sortsw of weird issues about sex until I was 20-something. I never had anyone to turn to or talk to about it and it sucked.

I for one am extremely happy that Olie can be there for these kids. The parents will be too if they have half a brain.

See that's the thing, it was the younger sister who approached oliegirl, not the 16 year old. I'd imagine if the 16 year old wanted to talk, she would have approached oliegirl herself.

[RendeR]

See that's the thing, it was the younger sister who approached oliegirl, not the 16 year old. I'd imagine if the 16 year old wanted to talk, she would have approached oliegirl herself.


Yeah I see what you mean, but Olie is still an authority figure in some ways. I've got a sneaking suspicion that the older girl talked to the younger and the idea to talk with Olie came up but was avoided because she didn't want to dissapoint her "second mom" so the younger one , being worried about her sister, broke the ice a bit.

Maybe I'm being optimistic here, but its as good a theory as any atm.

[Ksyrup]

Once again, a thread I wish I hadn't read.

[judicial clerk]

I think you might be overthinking this and/or trying to "manage" the situation too much. If you decide to talk to anybody, you need to be honest. If you try make it seem to the 16yo that the 13yo told you by accident, the 16 yo may see through the ruse and think you are dishonest. If you try to tell the mother and leave out details, she may find out later what the 13yo actually told you and think you are dishonest.

Once either of these people learn you have been dishonest with them, you will lose credibility.

I personally vote for telling the parents. These chidren are there responsibility.

[Subby]

I wish to god someone had been MY Oliegirl when i was a teen. I lost my firginity at 12 and had all sortsw of weird issues about sex until I was 20-something. I never had anyone to turn to or talk to about it and it sucked.
What is awesome about you is that you can take a completely fucked up situation and turn it around and make it about you!

Bravo!

[Telle]

I think it's very important for teenagers to have an adult that they can confide in without fear of reprisal. And I say that as a mother.

Now the fact that it was actually the younger sister that talked to you rather than the 16 year old does make things a bit more complicated. I'd probably start with a "So, what's going on with you and so-and-so?" and if she shrugs it off give her a good look in the eye and tell her something like "Just be careful, ok? And I don't mean just practice safe-sex.. make sure he doesn't take advantage of your feelings for him," and see if she wants to talk more or not.

[RendeR]

What is awesome about you is that you can take a completely fucked up situation and turn it around and make it about you!

Bravo!


Its not about me subby, its about the girls having someone like Olie to be able to go to and talk to. I simply used myself as an example of what NOT having that could be like. Supporting evidence of a stated opinion. Ever heard of it?

Go back under your rock. You just lost what little respct your apology in that other thread gained you.

[Schmidty]

Honestly, it doesn't sound like its that bad a situation. She wouldn't be the first 16 year old girl to lose her cherry to a 19 year old douchebag, and she wouldn't be the first girl to go too far too fast. Those aren't, imo, warning signs that she's headed for a bad end or a career in porn.

You say that as a person without a daughter.

That changes one's mind on a whole mess of things relating to parenting and kids.

[Schmidty]

Dola.

I didn't mean that to sound rude. I just know that I changed my thoughts on certain issues like that as soon as I became a dad, and I would imagine that's the case for a lot of parents.

[RendeR]

What you say is valid to a point schmidty, but I think the bigger concern is that wouldn't we all have been happier if someone we knew and trusted had talked to us about some bad choice we were making? Instead of just letting us flounder without any guidance at all?

Thats the point I think Cronin is dismissing a little too easily.

[BrianD]

What you say is valid to a point schmidty, but I think the bigger concern is that wouldn't we all have been happier if someone we knew and trusted had talked to us about some bad choice we were making? Instead of just letting us flounder without any guidance at all?

Thats the point I think Cronin is dismissing a little too easily.

I also don't have kids, but I think the answer to your question is that it depends on the bad choice that is about to be made. People don't learn from bad choices they are talked out of. They learn from the bad choices they make. One of the tough parts of being a parent (I assume) is figuring out which choices to protect your kids from and which ones to let them learn from.

[BrianD]

Yes, exactly, that's the point I was trying to make in my first post. We can say so much, but teens are especially stubborn and sometimes the only way they learn is by experience.

Nicely said Brian.

Thanks, but I would extend that to most people and not just teens. There are plenty of things people can learn without direct experience (e.g. shooting yourself in the head with a gun is bad), but most things require experience to be truly learned.

The real difficulty is allowing things to be learned without causing permanent damage. It sounds like the 16-year old has already had the experience to learn from...now she just needs to learn the lesson without her head getting all messed up in the process. Maybe the way to go about this situation is to go after the root-cause of the problem and not confront the girl about the relationship directly. Don't talk to the girl about this guy being bad for her, work on her self-esteem (if that is what is lacking), or whatever else is causing her to seek this relationship. The relationship itself is not the real problem, just a symptom.

[Lorena]

Thanks, but I would extend that to most people and not just teens. There are plenty of things people can learn without direct experience (e.g. shooting yourself in the head with a gun is bad), but most things require experience to be truly learned.

The real difficulty is allowing things to be learned without causing permanent damage. It sounds like the 16-year old has already had the experience to learn from...now she just needs to learn the lesson without her head getting all messed up in the process. Maybe the way to go about this situation is to go after the root-cause of the problem and not confront the girl about the relationship directly. Don't talk to the girl about this guy being bad for her, work on her self-esteem (if that is what is lacking), or whatever else is causing her to seek this relationship. The relationship itself is not the real problem, just a symptom.

hah i had deleted my post, i didn't think anyone would quote it.

but yes, you're right. It sounds like the parents aren't giving her the attention she needs so she's looking for it outside the home.

We know there's neglect, but is there physical abuse too?

[oliegirl]

OK, I talked to her this afternoon. Called her and asked her to come by so I could "get her opinion on a few things". I think she kind of knew something was up, she looked a little - not nervous, but apprehensive maybe - when she got here. We went out on the porch where there was some privacy and I started off by telling her that I really enjoy our friendship, and feel like of like a "big sister" to her because we talk about guys and stuff and I never had that (I'm an only child). Also told her that I hoped she saw me that way as well and that the reason I had called her was because I had picked up on a couple of things that were said and that because I'd been a 16 year old girl before, I had read between the lines and was concerned. Told her vaguely about what I'd heard, that she'd snuck the guy in, that she, the other girl and guy had all been in bed together and that the guy was at least missing his shirt. Just told her I didn't think that was a good situation for a 16 year old girl to put herself in, that I had figured out a while ago that they were sleeping together, and that I wasn't going to lecture her about that, but let her know that even though she thinks she is ready for "everything" and can handle it, she can't. At first she tried to blow it off, but then on her own gave me more information...the only 2 kissing were her and the guy, and she got mad at him b/c he started rubbing the other girls back, so she got jealous and upset. That opened up the "he thought he was getting a threesome with 2 hot 16 year olds" and it was like a lightbulb went off over her head. I really don't think she realized the situation she'd put herself in. We talked alot, and I ended up reiterating that I was her friend, and was there for her if she needed to talk about anything, and that she could trust me. I did tell her that at some point, if I saw really destructive behavior that I would go to her parents out of concern. She seemed to understand and didn't get upset or anything. All in all it went really well, the hardest part was starting the conversation, but from there it went on it's own and she seemed very open to talking, and even thanked me. :) I feel so much better now that it's over and it turned out well.

[Flasch186]

i commend you for stepping up. IMO too many people stand aside when theyre presented with the opportunity to perhaps change someone's life. I'm sure some on the other side fall into the "mind your own business" camp but as evidence by my prior threads over the last few years, that is not me. I think you did the right thing and encourage all people to intercede when they see a wrong and do/say something when you have an opportunity....However on the other hand you should also say something when you see something right and be sure to commend someone for doing the right thing too.

[lordscarlet]

For some reason this just occurred to me: In the "good old days" neighbors would always step in if they saw a problem. This is, in my opinion, partially "what's wrong with the world today." If we all lived in stronger communities like those years past, I think things would be a lot "better" now. I do commend oliegirl for attempting to help in what she felt was the best way (and what probably was the way that was likely to get the best response from the girl), rather than sitting by and watching a situation go unaddressed and potentially become bad because she sat by and did nothing.

[RendeR]

:D

Well handled OG, Bravo for being there for her and being the friend she needs.

[JonInMiddleGA]

Perhaps it's just my nature or maybe it's a sign of the times but the first thing that went through my mind after reading this was "oliegirl got played".

Probably didn't (since she was there & presumably could have read the girl better than that) but that was my first reaction.

[RendeR]

Perhaps it's just my nature or maybe it's a sign of the times but the first thing that went through my mind after reading this was "oliegirl got played".

Probably didn't (since she was there & presumably could have read the girl better than that) but that was my first reaction.

Cynical much? =)

[ISiddiqui]

Perhaps it's just my nature or maybe it's a sign of the times but the first thing that went through my mind after reading this was "oliegirl got played".

Probably didn't (since she was there & presumably could have read the girl better than that) but that was my first reaction.

Even if she did (and I dunno either way), at least she was able to get her concerns out there to the 16 year old, and that's what she really wanted to do. Make the girl think a little bit more about what's going on and let her know that olie was there if she needed it. So even if she's having sex, maybe she at least knows a few more things she needs to think about.

[Neon_Chaos]

Sigh.

I never got threesomes with two 16-year olds as a 19-year old.

[Lorena]

It went better than I anticipated, hopefully the girl learned her lesson.

[tyketime]

We talked alot, and I ended up reiterating that I was her friend, and was there for her if she needed to talk about anything, and that she could trust me.

BINGO! We have a winner :)

If more adults spent this type of quality time with younger kids (whether their own or not), I think it would have a lasting impact on the next generation.

Well done...

[Eaglesfan27]

Perhaps it's just my nature or maybe it's a sign of the times but the first thing that went through my mind after reading this was "oliegirl got played".

Probably didn't (since she was there & presumably could have read the girl better than that) but that was my first reaction.

My first reaction as well.

[JonInMiddleGA]

My first reaction as well.

Gosh, with that level of cynicism it's a good thing you don't have to deal with teenagers on a regular basis ;)

{cynicism my ass, it's realism}

[oliegirl]

I can understand you guys thinking I got played, but I am 99% sure I didn't. For one thing, you guys weren't there so you didn't see her reaction or the sincerity in her voice. And another, there was A LOT of conversation that I left out, simply because of the detail and because it wasn't necessary to post. We talked for a little over an hour, and she did a lot of the talking, so it wasn't a one sided thing - she brought up things I didn't know about and asked questions, so she was listening and I think she appreciated it. She gave me a hug when she was leaving and said she was glad she knew me.

[Passacaglia]

olie plays werewolf -- she's probably more on the lookout for lies than most people.

[oliegirl]

olie plays werewolf -- she's probably more on the lookout for lies than most people.

LOL.

[ISiddiqui]

LOL, the life benefits of werewolf ;).