Marriage and Distractions

[Sun Tzu]

I’ve noticed something in myself over the past year or so…and I’d like to share to see if others notice the same thing too.

I’m currently living with my fiancé, and we will be getting married in less than 3 months. We have been living together for 2 years now. I know in every single ounce of my being that she is the one for me, and I’m ridiculously happy that I’m going to be able to call her my wife. Since meeting her I have gone from making 35k to 100k+, we bought a new car, we’re saving for a house…life couldn’t possibly be going any better. Kids in the future, you get the idea…

Distractions?

I’m always involved in some kind of project. Sometimes they cost money, and sometimes they’re just pointless busywork that doesn’t cost a dime. For a while it was NCAA Football 08, then for a while it was researching LCD TV’s, then for a while it was hitting the gym harder than normal, and course during the Football season I’m all about the Niners. FOFC has been kind of an off and on for me since FOF 2. The point is, that I always seem to have something that I’m involved in at any given time. Something that I’m mentally focused on other than work/the wife. I’m never really just in the “sit and watch tv after I get home” for any more than a single day. I may have a baseball game on, but there’s a 90% chance that I’ve got something else going on while I watch the game.

Prognosis?

I think this is healthy. Assuming my attention doesn’t get suddenly focused on smoking pot, or drinking heavily. I have had a few conversations with my better half, where we have talked about how great it is that we have so many things in common, but it’s imperative that we share separate interests as well. I feel like it keeps us from getting TOO involved in each others lives, which helps preserve that feeling of freedom and not being completely co-dependant.

…

I’m wondering what other people’s experience is with this. I’m 26, and I feel very strongly towards what I have explained above. However I know there are a good deal of people on this board who are much….MUCH (wink) older than me, and have been married/divorced/re-married, who have a lot of different experiences worth hearing.

So…please do share, and try to avoid flaming. I’d hate for people to lose posts.

*ps – it should be assumed that I do spend a very good amount of quality time with the wife while still maintaining the distractions.

[lordscarlet]

I think it is absolutely imperative that you have a life and activities outside of your marriage. When I see marriages fail is when the husband and wife don't spend time away from each other. In particular, they seem to fail when one of them decides, after a period of time without, that they suddenly want to have a life outside of the marriage.

Having said that, I'm only 3 years older than you and I've been married for 8 months.

[path12]

As long as you maintain a) communication, b) quality time together and c) sweet sweet lovin' then distractions/hobbies will never become a problem.

This from one of the old guys who's been divorced twice. I believe I've finally got the balance right this time.

[johnnyshaka]

I absolutely need "my" time whether it's after the family is gone to bed and I get a couple of hours to watch TV or playing sports. My wife has her vices, too, and I have no problem staying home with my daughter while she does whatever it is she wants to do. With child number two due in a few weeks our free time will obviously be severely diminished but those are the sacrifices you have to make, and are more than willing to make, when the kiddies come along.

[BrianD]

As long as you maintain a) communication, b) quality time together and c) sweet sweet lovin' then distractions/hobbies will never become a problem.

This from one of the old guys who's been divorced twice. I believe I've finally got the balance right this time.

Agreed. You need to be able to spend time together as well as apart. Really, I think the main factor as agreeing how much time you need to spend together and how much apart.

[JonInMiddleGA]

I wouldn't call those distractions, I'd just call them having a life.
And not every single thing that's part of your life has to involve your spouse.

[Drake]

Of course, you also need to realize that if your future wife ever starts to feel unfulfilled in her personal/professional life, she'll likely blame the relationship, and primarily point a finger at your extra hobbies/projects that she feels take time away from her (and thus, that's why she's unhappy).

Please note the "if" above. Whether or not this happens depends completely on your future wife's ability to be conscious of her own psychology.

(And if the gender roles were reversed, I'd write this as "he'll blame you for putting on a few pounds/not primping for him all the time for his lack of personal fulfillment". I'm gender neutral on this one. People who feel unfulfilled tend to blame the things closest to them for failing to be as fulfilling as they once were rather than themselves for not doing the work to stay fulfilled.)

[Honolulu_Blue]

As long as you maintain a) communication, b) quality time together and c) sweet sweet lovin' then distractions/hobbies will never become a problem.

This pretty much sums it up. Communication is rightfully first. That's really the key to it all.

I've been married three and a half years and love it. My wife and I share very little in common in the way of intense interests. She doesn't really like sports (she'll watch, so long as she can be doing something else like a crossword puzzle or knitting), she hates violent movies, but she's geek-tolerant and understands that I'm really into a lot things that she'll never understand. We do our separate things at times and it's never an issue. Well, sometimes it's an issue, but never that big of one. (Just one... more... turn...)

[Sun Tzu]

I wouldn't call those distractions, I'd just call them having a life.And not every single thing that's part of your life has to involve your spouse.

Did you read half of my post and then just decide to reply? The point was to solicit other peoples views/experiences in spending time together/apart in a marriage, while stating mine...maybe I'm just taking your post the wrong way. Correct me if I am plz.

[JonInMiddleGA]

maybe I'm just taking your post the wrong way.

Apparently you did, because there really wasn't anything negative intended (or implied as far as I could figure).

I was offering an off-the-cuff observation based arond your choice of the word "distraction", and figured that my opinion on the normalcy & relative healthiness of what you described would be apparent from my answer. While my comment was indeed brief, I thought the point I was shooting for would come across ... apparently it didn't. Maybe it was too subtle or something got lost in the absence of inflection or something.

[Young Drachma]

This is a good post. Married young the first time a long while ago, about to do it again and I won't deny this was a concern for me in my relationships even with long-term dating partners who seemed more than content to have me wrap myself up in them or vice-versa. I think communication, as everyone has said, is super critical.

I think that you sound like it shouldn't be a problem, but it's also key to mix it up sometimes, that it shows a lot when you're willing to invest energy and time into things outside interests (Theatre, farmers market or whatever it may be) that one of you might like more than the other, but might end up being something you both can get into and do together as a diversion to give you both a break, without feeling like it's just regularly scheduled programming.

Best of luck.

[oliegirl]

I think 2 people in a relationship should absolutely have things in their live that don't include the other person. My husband plays tennis and softball, if my son and I don't have other things to do when he is playing, we will go and cheer him on and hang out with the other families from the team. But while he is on the field, it's about him and his friends. And when we don't go (it's probably 50/50), he can go out with the guys afterward for beers or whatever. Point being, that is HIS time and he doesn't need to worry about involving me, etc. Same thing with me, I have my time with friends, we go to see a movie, out to lunch/dinner, shopping, etc...

Neither of us feel like the other HAS to be there 24/7, we are both older (35 and 36) and have been in other serious relationships that didn't work for one reason or another. That is something we've learned, that it's ok to maintain your own identity, as long as there is also a "relationship identity" and you are truly part of a couple when you are together. It sounds like you and your fiancee have found that balance. :)

[Ksyrup]

Man, from the thread title I thought this was going to be about something else, which I'd say would be a bit of a problem for a soon-to-be marriage... :D



From the minute that I'm walking out my door
There's a million girls I've never seen before
Can't avoid 'em 'cause they're everywhere I look
They're so beautiful and I can't take it

Every day I fall in love again
Gotta get out of this state I'm in
It's the kind of game I play but I just can't win
Every day I fall in love again

Sunday morning when I'm walking through the park
Friday evening when I'm driving after dark
Can't avoid 'em 'cause they're everywhere I look
They're so beautiful and I can't take it

Every day I fall in love again
Gotta get out of this state I'm in
It's the kind of game I play but I just can't win
Every day I fall in love again

Will tomorrow be the same?
Maybe yesterday's to blame

Every day I fall in love again
Gotta get out of this state I'm in
It's the kind of game I play but I just can't win
Every day I fall in love again

[tyketime]

I think the word "distractions" perhaps invoked a negative vibe, whereas I think what you are doing is part of your normal life. So don't look at it like it is taking time away from your primary relationship (unless it becomes that way on purpose... then there may be a problem).

I am VERY fortunate where my wife is heavily into sports, we golf together, and have lots of similar interests. But that doesn't mean I want or need or should spend every waking moment with her or my two sons. It's important for you to maintain your own identity as well.

As you have already heard from others, the main key is communication. Good luck in your upcoming marriage...

[Eaglesfan27]

As long as you maintain a) communication, b) quality time together and c) sweet sweet lovin' then distractions/hobbies will never become a problem.

This from one of the old guys who's been divorced twice. I believe I've finally got the balance right this time.

Agreed. You need to be able to spend time together as well as apart. Really, I think the main factor as agreeing how much time you need to spend together and how much apart.

Winners. Finding the balance that you both like is the key and having it is vital.

[boberot]

My wife [of 10 years] and I insist that we each get out and do things alone or with friends on a regular basis. It's just healthy. Cant let your identity get wrapped up in the wife or anybody else, for that matter.

I'll also offer one other bit of advice that has been monumental in the success of my marriage:

We try, pretty much every Sunday, to take a walk together and just talk about "stuff." We start with things the other did recently that we really appreciated or enjoyed. Then, in a positive and constructive way, we talk about things the other did that pushed our buttons. From week-to-week we "review" how we're doing on those push-button issues.

It's like preventative maintenance -- a bit of work on a regular basis on anything [house, car, computer, body, marriage, etc.] will help ensure that there are no catastrophic issues down the road.

Good luck!

[SFL Cat]

As long as your activities, hobbies don't infringe on quality time between the two of you and (later) your kids, you should be fine. Everyone needs "me" time now and then.

Communication is vital. Plus, sometimes you have to be selfless. I've been married for over 25 years, and every now and then, my wife will get exasperated and say, "are you going to spend all night on that damn computer?"

Now, I suppose I could get all huffy, because she spends a lot of time on the computer too (plus, she is a scrapbooking fanatic). However, when this happens, I apologize, stop what I'm doing, and give her the time she wants and needs.

[path12]

I'll also offer one other bit of advice that has been monumental in the success of my marriage:

We try, pretty much every Sunday, to take a walk together and just talk about "stuff." We start with things the other did recently that we really appreciated or enjoyed. Then, in a positive and constructive way, we talk about things the other did that pushed our buttons. From week-to-week we "review" how we're doing on those push-button issues.

It's like preventative maintenance -- a bit of work on a regular basis on anything [house, car, computer, body, marriage, etc.] will help ensure that there are no catastrophic issues down the road.

Good luck!

That is an excellent suggestion.

[DaddyTorgo]

fuck marriage. Fuck women

*FOFC's resident bitter bachelor*

[Galaxy]

I wonder what Pumpy has to say.

[Groundhog]

We try, pretty much every Sunday, to take a walk together and just talk about "stuff." We start with things the other did recently that we really appreciated or enjoyed. Then, in a positive and constructive way, we talk about things the other did that pushed our buttons. From week-to-week we "review" how we're doing on those push-button issues.

It's like preventative maintenance -- a bit of work on a regular basis on anything [house, car, computer, body, marriage, etc.] will help ensure that there are no catastrophic issues down the road.

Good luck!

I've been with my gf for 2 years, and we've been living together for a year now. We were having a rough patch about 6 months or so ago because I was getting caught up in all my hobbies (computer, playing sports, etc.) and we weren't spending much time together at all, despite living together.

We have been doing something very similar to what you guys do. We nomiated Tuesday night as our "date night" where we either go out for dinner and a movie or rent some dvds and spend the evening together watching movies and talking.

So far it's worked really, really well for us.

[Izulde]

Heh, this thread makes me realize it's been 5 years since I've been in anything resembling a relationship, 11 years since a bona fide date.

[Pumpy Tudors]

I wonder what Pumpy has to say.
You sure do!

[ColtCrazy]

I think what you describe is perfectly normal. My wife and I have a ton of interests we share together and enjoy spending time with our children (which, frankly, seems rare....a lot of people we know seem to be constantly trying to pawn their kids off to other people...but that's a different matter for a different day)

However, we both have strong passions that we do separately but we make attempts to join in.
My wife is an avid reader. I mean, it's insane at how she just gets sucked into any book and we'll while away a day reading it. I'm an internet blog reader. Anything past 4 pages, and my ADD kicks in. :) She's also religious about her TV shows. If it's not football and the occasional BBC America show, I don't watch TV. But I'll sit and watch her shows with her sometimes just to be around her.
For me, it's football and computer games. The Colts right now are having a tour where a couple of players show up for autograph sessions. My wife usually tags along for those...something she doesn't have to do, but I appreciate the fact that she does.

I guess my long winded point is that it is important to have your own interests, but we enjoy being around each other enough that we join in the other's interests sometimes. We get our alone time but spend time together too....it's healthy.

[Galaxy]

How often do you spend "real" time with your wife (date night, just hanging out) with kids? How often do you the family things with kids, and do the "alone (or guys out night) thing?

[Galaxy]

Bump in part due to the SATC thread.

[Neon_Chaos]

The main key is not communication, as others think.

The main key is BUSINESS TIME.

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