Ethical Dating Question

[Dr. Sak]

One time in college my friend and I almost came to blows over a girl, and from then on I vowed never to let a girl come between friends. Which might be a reason I am still single at 30 but I degress...

Recently I have encountered a bit of a dilemma (in my mind at least), I know what I want to do but I'm not sure how right it is...I'll use real names because besides Muns, no one really knows me personally here and even he doesn't know the people I am talking about.

I have a friend Chris who was engaged to another girl Corie. Chris and I are friends but we met through another friend Jason (we might need a Flere diagram). I never hang out with Chris just him and I, but when we are in groups we hang out have a good time. She's usually there and her and I talk a lot, I always felt this weird vibe between her and I but I really didn't think much of it.

About 4 months ago Chris broke off his engagement with Corie. Recently I was out and about and ran into Corie. We talked for awhile and without even thinking I asked her out. She said yes. Then I got home and started to think and started wondering if I shouldn't have done it.

So my question is...am I being a dick to my friend? Should I ask him or just tell him, or just wait and see if something comes out of the whole ordeal before telling him. Or should I just cancel it all together?

I really don't know what caused the engagement to be broken off but it is going to come up at some point.

[Honolulu_Blue]

One time in college my friend and I almost came to blows over a girl, and from then on I vowed never to let a girl come between friends. Which might be a reason I am still single at 30 but I degress...

Recently I have encountered a bit of a dilemma (in my mind at least), I know what I want to do but I'm not sure how right it is...I'll use real names because besides Muns, no one really knows me personally here and even he doesn't know the people I am talking about.

I have a friend Chris who was engaged to another girl Corie. Chris and I are friends but we met through another friend Jason (we might need a Flere diagram). I never hang out with Chris just him and I, but when we are in groups we hang out have a good time. She's usually there and her and I talk a lot, I always felt this weird vibe between her and I but I really didn't think much of it.

About 4 months ago Chris broke off his engagement with Corie. Recently I was out and about and ran into Corie. We talked for awhile and without even thinking I asked her out. She said yes. Then I got home and started to think and started wondering if I shouldn't have done it.

So my question is...am I being a dick to my friend? Should I ask him or just tell him, or just wait and see if something comes out of the whole ordeal before telling him. Or should I just cancel it all together?

I really don't know what caused the engagement to be broken off but it is going to come up at some point.

If I read this right Chris broke it off with Corie? If that's the case, you're fine, I think, especially since he's not really a close friend to begin with. If she broke it off with him that'd be a slightly different story.

I wouldn't fret over things at the moment. No use to potentially make a big deal out of something that very well could be nothing. Go out with her, see what happens. If you think there's a future, even just a limited one, I think you should do a little digging into why they broke things off. Not exactly a discussion with Chris, but maybe ask your mutual friend.

I sense no dickishness here at all.

[molson]

I think this stuff varies so much based on the people involved.

If Chris doesn't care, then obviously it doesn't matter. If Chris does care, then you have a problem. He might understandably not want to deal with her in groups that include you.

I'm thinking you've gotta talk to him before you go on the date, or at least shortly thereafter.

And look out for her being into this idea just to try to get back at him, or to maintain some access to him.

[sabotai]

He's a friend of a friend and he's the one who broke it off? If she was the one that broke it off, it might be a gray area, but in this case, no man code violation. Play ball.

EDIT: Unless he broke it off because he found out she was a cheating whore. Then you better run like hell from this chick.

[Noop]

These situations have the potential to cause a lot of problems. If Chris is cool with it then you always run the risk of things being weird when Corie is hanging with the group. If Chris gets a new girl it might cause Corie to be jealous. Also since they have had since before it is always possible for him to try to get back in with her.

[Danny]

How often do you actually see him?

[DeToxRox]

Like Molson said, it depends on the person. An old friend of mine dumped this girl, and like two years later she gave me a BJ and he found out and he is still pissed about. I'd just go with it and see how it goes.

[Suburban Rhythm]

I agree with most of the above points:

Friend of a friend, so you are cool there.
He broke it off, you are cool there.

Its going to be awkward no matter what, so I'd say follow through, go out and see how that goes.

Eventually, you'll either tell him "I wanted you to hear this from me..." and follow with "I went out with Corie once" or "Corie and I have been seeing each other"

You also might find out she is certifiably PSYCHO, in which case you'll know why Chris ran like hell. And you should follow his lead.

Also-
pics pls k thx

[JonInMiddleGA]

Situational.

Hell, a friend of mine worked hard to set me up with his ex-wife at one point. We ended up engaged and he was quite happy about it (and there wasn't any alimony involved). Didn't work out ultimately but there were never any problems stemming from the odd nature of who knew who.

[johnnyshaka]

EDIT: Unless he broke it off because he found out she was a cheating whore. Then you better run like hell from this chick.

Something to consider...Chris broke it off for a reason.

[stevew]

Sak, you're 30, clean and have a good job. But no woman.

Is there anything you want to say(not that there's anything wrong with it)

[stevew]

She's fair game, but most likely she's just going to use you for your body. I hope you can live with that.

[AgustusM]

I always kind of went with the theory that any girl that ever had any involvement with my inner circle of friends was off limits for life. However beyond that core group of friends they were all fair game.

of course inner circle guys are guys you would talk to, go places with one on one. This guy doesn't sound like inner circle so I say all clear.

[muns]

How often do you actually see him?

Thats my question too sak, when was the last time you saw him in a group since you dont hang out on the regular?

[Karlifornia]

Have sex with Corie. Preferably, vile, degrading sex. Film the sex without Corie's knowledge. Send the tape to Chris with a note attached that reads "Do you mind if we do this on a regular basis?"

[Noop]

Have sex with Corie. Preferably, vile, degrading sex. Film the sex without Corie's knowledge. Send the tape to Chris with a note attached that reads "Do you mind if we do this on a regular basis?"

You sir are simply better at life.

[Eaglesfan27]

If I read this right Chris broke it off with Corie? If that's the case, you're fine, I think, especially since he's not really a close friend to begin with. If she broke it off with him that'd be a slightly different story.

I wouldn't fret over things at the moment. No use to potentially make a big deal out of something that very well could be nothing. Go out with her, see what happens. If you think there's a future, even just a limited one, I think you should do a little digging into why they broke things off. Not exactly a discussion with Chris, but maybe ask your mutual friend.

I sense no dickishness here at all.

He's a friend of a friend and he's the one who broke it off? If she was the one that broke it off, it might be a gray area, but in this case, no man code violation. Play ball.

EDIT: Unless he broke it off because he found out she was a cheating whore. Then you better run like hell from this chick.

Agreed with both of these. I think H_B said everything I would have. Good luck :)

[BYU 14]

Have sex with Corie. Preferably, vile, degrading sex. Film the sex without Corie's knowledge. Send the tape to Chris with a note attached that reads "Do you mind if we do this on a regular basis?"

If only I had a video cam when I was your age :devil:


Sak, to me it would depend how often I saw Chris and if there was ever a chance you, her and him might ever be in the same place...that could be awkward. I obviously don't know Corie, but if she is at all bitter over the break up she could make it even worse, by hanging on you and being overly affectionate to piss Chris off......Tough call.

Now if you would never be in spot where all three of you were there then I would say at least go out on a date. Hell, you may find after one or two dates why Chris dumped her and it will be much adieu about nothing.

[Sun Tzu]

Have sex with Corie. Preferably, vile, degrading sex. Film the sex without Corie's knowledge. Send the tape to Chris with a note attached that reads "Do you mind if we do this on a regular basis?"

And then post it in the "images so cool" thread as an animated gif.

win

[Logan]

Sak, you're 30, clean and have a good job. But no woman.

Is there anything you want to say(not that there's anything wrong with it)

Well, he is a Penn State fan.

I always kind of went with the theory that any girl that ever had any involvement with my inner circle of friends was off limits for life. However beyond that core group of friends they were all fair game.

of course inner circle guys are guys you would talk to, go places with one on one. This guy doesn't sound like inner circle so I say all clear.

This is how it works with my friends. A random hookup is okay to pursue down the road, as long as it was really just a random thing. But any relationship is a no-go. It's hard because eventually those barely outside the circle guys become core, so it's make it tricky.

My advice to you would be to pursue it past the first couple dates if you think it could really turn into something, and don't bother if it doesn't. You don't want to put your friends in an awkward position, and that's the most likely result from own experience.

[DanGarion]

Here is the ultimate question. Would Chris be a guy you'd ask to come to your wedding?

[Dr. Sak]

It's actually been a few months since Chris and I hung out. And this is the 2nd time he's been engaged, not including the divorce he had. From what I asked of our mutual friend, he's known for stringing girls along and then breaking it off for no apparent reason. That's not to say she didn't do anything, but I'm just going on what I am told. If this was someone in my inner circle I would not even consider it.

Good point about her wanting to get back at him, but I really think if she wanted to get back at him, there are many other closer friends that she could go after than me.

And no Steve there is nothing to tell you :) .

[Lathum]

I see no problem with it. A friend of a friend who you see every couple of months, meh.

He split up with her 4 months ago, if he can't handle you guys seeing each other he's the one who needs to grow up.

[dawgfan]

I see no problem with it. A friend of a friend who you see every couple of months, meh.

He split up with her 4 months ago, if he can't handle you guys seeing each other he's the one who needs to grow up.
QFT

[Drake]

I can't answer this question without pics.

[Matthean]

It's actually been a few months since Chris and I hung out. And this is the 2nd time he's been engaged, not including the divorce he had. From what I asked of our mutual friend, he's known for stringing girls along and then breaking it off for no apparent reason. That's not to say she didn't do anything, but I'm just going on what I am told.

Pretty much best case scenario. It looks like he's the one with the issues.

Good point about her wanting to get back at him, but I really think if she wanted to get back at him, there are many other closer friends that she could go after than me.

She probably wouldn't have waited four months either and even then you initiated the date.

[Abe Sargent]

Abe's Rules for the Acceptable and Successful Dating of Friend's Exes

1). It is always acceptable to date a former friend's ex-girlfriend. It is never acceptable to date his ex-wife.

2). It is never acceptable to date a former's friend's ex-girlfriend if they went out for like 5 years through college and high school or something.

3). Wait after the breakup, out of respect, but hurry with the asking for two reasons. Women regularly seem to need less time post-breakup then men to get over it and move on to the next man. She could easily be seeing another man within a month. Wait two weeks, then ask out. This also avoid the other problem. While dating him, you and her were friends. As soon as she is single, this is your opportunity to sell yourself as the next guy. If you wait too long, you enter the Friend Zone, and you are never coming out alive.

4). Slow down the relationship, and don;t have sex too quickly. You want to be the next guy, not a rebound. Give everybody an opportunity to readjust before you start turning up the heat. It's one thing to ask a dude' ex out on a date two weeks post-break up. It's another thing entirely to bang the sheets with her two weeks later. Take it slow. Be upfront and honest about your desire to take it a bit slowly and why. She will love/respect/adore you for it.

5). Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER, ASK a friend if you can date his ex. You are both single. You have a right to date whomever. Don't ask. It makes you look like a wimp, and the answer is often emotional instead of logical. However, always be upfront and forthright. Let a guy know you are going out on a date with his ex, that's the man thing to do, but don;t ask, that's the wuss thing to do.

6). Stay away from public appearance together where you know he is for two months. Then ease him into it gently

[Swaggs]

On the list of reasons why you are a dick, this does not rank in the top 1,000.

Nuking my capital, while we were allies, in RoN is #1.

[CU Tiger]

#1 is she hot? #2 is she good in bed If the answer to either is yes, then of course its ok...if two no's you are an insensitive prick

[Dr. Sak]

On the list of reasons why you are a dick, this does not rank in the top 1,000.

Nuking my capital, while we were allies, in RoN is #1.

Is stealing Wes' oil #2?

[muns]

I think your good too B. The fact that he isnt in the inner circle, and you havent hung with him in a while is a plus that would have made it weird, at least for me.

I just wouldnt be going out to where he hangs out when your with her.

Also just something to think about, if he broke it off with her, she may still have him on her mind some with that emotional baggage. 4 months may still be a lil fresh from a broken engagement. So id assume you would have some weird stuff to get around/ work with, unless she is a strong ass women.

[stevew]

Is stealing Wes' oil #2?

I forget, did Swaggs kill Sak in Omerta for retaliation, or did Sak kill Swaggs.

Hmmm, can't remember.

[kcchief19]

I don't even think this is a close call -- she's completely fair game.

If you're only a "friend-in-law" to Chris, his involvement should have no impact on any relationship you have with Corie. If it were a closer friend, it would be worth a discussion to make sure it's not uncomfortable. But honestly, if he's a good friend anyway, he'd say go for it.

[DanGarion]

I forget, did Swaggs kill Sak in Omerta for retaliation, or did Sak kill Swaggs.

Hmmm, can't remember.

You guys sound like you were having a bunch of fun... :(

[CraigSca]

This is how I met my wife. I think you'd be stupid not to go out with her.

[Dr. Sak]

I forget, did Swaggs kill Sak in Omerta for retaliation, or did Sak kill Swaggs.

Hmmm, can't remember.

I certainly remember someone named Steve telling me how to do it.

[Swaggs]

I certainly remember someone named Steve telling me how to do it.

Sonofabitch.

I forgot about that. I think that moves up to #2.

#2 was going to be sending me "offensive" pictures that are mislabeled as things I might actually want to see.

#3 would be the oil.

You really are a dick. You should just steal the girl.

[stevew]

Yeah. The pix used to get me too.

[Karlifornia]

4). Slow down the relationship, and don;t have sex too quickly. You want to be the next guy, not a rebound. Give everybody an opportunity to readjust before you start turning up the heat. It's one thing to ask a dude' ex out on a date two weeks post-break up. It's another thing entirely to bang the sheets with her two weeks later. Take it slow. Be upfront and honest about your desire to take it a bit slowly and why. She will love/respect/adore you for it.


If you follow this rule, you better have something that she wants (if you got a big dick, let her at least feel it through the pants), otherwise you may as well be her brother.

[M GO BLUE!!!]

On the list of reasons why you are a dick, this does not rank in the top 1,000.

Nuking my capital, while we were allies, in RoN is #1.

I don't know the game. I don't know the circumstances. I know it's a dick move, but I'm still laughing about this. Sorry! :lol:

As far as the girl... go for it! Just be prepared that things may not go well with him, but then he's not going to be laying naked next to you. (I hope.)

[Galaxy]

If you follow this rule, you better have something that she wants (if you got a big dick, let her at least feel it through the pants), otherwise you may as well be her brother.

You cannot leave the RFL!

[judicial clerk]

I say hit it.

the sex should be good because its a little forbidden. Its a dick move to nail your buddies ex if he still has feelings for her, but you can slay her the way a criminal drives a stolen car.

If you fall for her, you will have the occasional weird feeling knowing that good ol' Chris absolutely railed her back in the day. This too can lead to some fairly aggressive "love making."

Either way, its life experience.

I've probably written too much.

[Apathetic Lurker]

He's a friend of a friend and he's the one who broke it off? If she was the one that broke it off, it might be a gray area, but in this case, no man code violation. Play ball.

EDIT: Unless he broke it off because he found out she was a cheating whore. Then you better run like hell from this chick.

After you get your freak on

[dawgfan]

I think we should all boycott any further responses to this thread until we get pictures...

[Swaggs]

Is she a Steelers and/or Pens fan?

Also, is she a Pitt grad?

[Arles]

This is how I met my wife. I think you'd be stupid not to go out with her.
What he said. This is similar to how Farrah and I started dating (she was a friend's Ex).

[Suburban Rhythm]

Is she a Steelers and/or Pens fan?

Also, is she a Pitt grad?

Good point, she's too good for him!

[Maple Leafs]

One time in college my friend and I almost came to blows...
You're doing it wrong.

[flere-imsaho]

If I read this right Chris broke it off with Corie? If that's the case, you're fine, I think, especially since he's not really a close friend to begin with. If she broke it off with him that'd be a slightly different story.

EDIT: Unless he broke it off because he found out she was a cheating whore. Then you better run like hell from this chick.

:+1:

[Dr. Sak]

Little update...we went out last week....things went well, and will be going out again soon.

[DanGarion]

Little update...we went out last week....things went well, and will be going out again soon.

nice!

[jeff061]

Funny this got bumped. I find myself in a slightly similar position now. But with a passive aggressive friend who will say it's fine but will stew over it.

Simplifies it a bit much(friend is very recently married, you'd think that'd end the debate), but thats the scenario.

[Logan]

I hate people like that...you need to be sure to tell him about all the crazy shit she is now doing that she never did for him.

[DanGarion]

I hate people like that...you need to be sure to tell him about all the crazy shit she is now doing that she never did for him.

Even if you have to make it up.

[Samdari]

friend is very recently married, you'd think that'd end the debate


From the "wondering if its ok for you to date her" perspective, it does. Definitively.

[Swaggs]

Little update...we went out last week....things went well, and will be going out again soon.

Just don't play Rise of Nations with her until you have dated for several months.

[Sgran]

Wasn't there another thread exactly like this a few months ago? We are building up a good amount of data here for posterity.

[jeff061]

From the "wondering if its ok for you to date her" perspective, it does. Definitively.
I'm not to worried about the morality of it, I'm generally spot on with that type of decision.

It's the drama. I'm pretty sure he thinks I was into a couple women of his I wasn't and acted passivley bitchy about it. I'm trying to picture what the reaction is when it's for real.

When they were going out he was frustrated he couldn't connect on an emotional level with her and eventually she broke it off. But they remained on good terms. I had only gotten descriptions through him and seen a pic.

Met her for the first time last Saturday, obvious mutual interest. But I let her go to think it over some.

I think I'm going to wait and see if she tries to get in touch with me through him. Otherwise I'll shoot an email(we've been cc'd together in the past, so I have it).

Anyways, more fun stuff. I'm rarely interested in people and I don't see him a whole hell of a lot anymore.

[Dr. Sak]

Just don't play Rise of Nations with her until you have dated for several months.

You have such anger still inside you...but I guess if my team lost 13-9 to their rival...at home...against a team coached by a Wanstache...which cost us a chance at the BCS title..I'd hold in a lot of anger too. :)

[dawgfan]

It's the drama. I'm pretty sure he thinks I was into a couple women of his I wasn't and acted passivley bitchy about it. I'm trying to picture what the reaction is when it's for real...

...I'm rarely interested in people and I don't see him a whole hell of a lot anymore.
If you have a connection with this girl and think there's potential there, who gives two shits if your friend acts bitchy about it? He's married - he's lost any and all right to worry about who this girl dates. If he's a good friend to you - and I don't mean "good" as in "he's currently one of your close friends", but rather "good" as in "a friend worth having" - he'll get over any drama he might feel about you dating her.

Don't wait for her to contact you unless you are totally OK with the possibility she doesn't - who knows if she'll meet someone else in the mean time and your opportunity goes "poof".

[Swaggs]

You have such anger still inside you...but I guess if my team lost 13-9 to their rival...at home...against a team coached by a Wanstache...which cost us a chance at the BCS title..I'd hold in a lot of anger too. :)

At least we're not afraid to play them!

[jeff061]

If you have a connection with this girl and think there's potential there, who gives two shits if your friend acts bitchy about it? He's married - he's lost any and all right to worry about who this girl dates. If he's a good friend to you - and I don't mean "good" as in "he's currently one of your close friends", but rather "good" as in "a friend worth having" - he'll get over any drama he might feel about you dating her.

Don't wait for her to contact you unless you are totally OK with the possibility she doesn't - who knows if she'll meet someone else in the mean time and your opportunity goes "poof".

Pretty much the exact conclusion I had come to. Wasn't really going to post this situation of mine (and be that guy), but as this was unraveling this thread came to mind. Then it got bumped, so WTF?

I'll shoot her an email tomorrow. See if my bud has already scared her away from me ;).

[Dr. Sak]

At least we're not afraid to play them!

You have no choice...you're in the same conference. Plus we cant get into Pittsburgh since Wanny built that wall around it.

[claphamsa]

Where are the pix!

[Dr. Sak]

If it becomes serious I'll post a few...until then I will withhold.