Serious - Need Advice - Divorce/Dating

[Blackadar]

Serious situation, weird question.

I've been married for over 10 years but my wife and I are splitting up. It's actually *very* friendly - we're both just sort of relieved as we've been trying so hard for so long. Plus, the 3 year old keeps both of us on our best behavior. Needless to say, it's a quite amicable parting.

I'm moving out in a week into an apartment. I got married kind of young, so I've never actually lived on my own. I know how to cook, clean and do laundry, so I'm not totally hosed. I'll come back to the house to keep up the yard and help my wife, who is still a good friend.

I'm not looking to start immediately, but I've not dated for 15 years. I'm the GM of my office, so I can't look for dating material there - it's not good for the Boss to date his employees. I'm going to start working out, but I'm not sure health clubs are great pickup joints. Besides, it'll take a while for me to get in shape again. I don't have many non-married friends, so I can't go out cruising the bars with my "peeps" - plus, it's not my scene. I'm not religious, so I'm not going to meet women at Church.

At first, I'm just going to get settled in, get organized and keep plowing away at my new job. But after a while, I'm going to want to meet a member of the opposite sex. My wife and I haven't been emotionally "attached" in a long while, so I'm further along in the "looking to meet someone" cycle than you'd think.

The last time I was looking to do this, I was in college - there's sort of a captive audience there. So, how do you meet people now? Internet? Seems kind of cold, frankly. Clubs and groups? I'm in Sales, so I don't have a problem showing up solo if I can find a place I'd like to be a part of. That's an option, but it shouldn't be the only one.

Since it's going to be a year until I get officially divorced, I'm not looking for anything long-term or serious. I first need to make some more single friends before dating, but how is it done now?

Going even further down this road, when I get romantically involved, it'll be even weirder. I haven't dated in over 10 years and haven't been...physically engaged...with anyone other than my wife in the same amount of time. THAT will be an interesting experience as well.

[Easy Mac]

3 words for you if you just want some action:

Pros ti tute.

Seriously, take you're kid around the park w/o a wedding ring... chick magnet. That or a puppy.

[cthomer5000]

seriously?

Internet dating. Although it seems cold/impersonal, It's incredibly helpful to know that someone:

1. Definitely finds you physically attractive.

2. Shares some common interest, or found something you wrote about yourself interesting enough to try to talk to you.

further advice: post a picture of yourself that you only consider "okay," maybe even one that doesn't do you justice. This way you pleasently surprise the woman when meeting her, and you don't look like you're desperate or sneaky.

[Tarkus]

Several suggestions from the husband of a pretty good divorce lawyer.

1. If you own your home, don't move out until the divorce agreement has been finalized.

2. Don't give her everything because you feel bad (particularly if it was primarily your choice).

3. If you do leave the house don't go back and do the lawn.

4. During the divorce don't get bitter and do what's best for the kid(s).

4. I don't know if you're a religious person but one of the best and safest ways to meet people is through religious organizations.

5. Set ups by frineds who know you well also can work.

5. Bars, clubs, etc. are really hit and miss. You can usually still get some casual sex but serious relationships are hard to find here.

6. This is not the advise of my wife and not legal advise in any way. Just some things I've picked up by getting divorced myself and being around the wife.

Finally, sorry to hear about the divorce. After 10 years that can be pretty traumatic. Good luck and I hope all works out well.

Tarkus

[Blackadar]

Oh, my Son is a chick magnet. I just don't want to confuse him any more than he has to be confused.

As for the Internet, I'm just not sure about it...something about it bothers me.

Another question...when's the right time to start? I'm not going to wait a year to get divorced - I feel like I've been waiting for many years already. Next week is a bit too soon, though. I don't want to hurt my estranged's feelings by dating immediately. Three months? Six months?

[sachmo71]

Where is Hornsmaniac when someone really needs him?


Sorry. Couldn't resist.

[Radii]

i hear that internet personals sites can definitely work :) There is sometimes a lot of crap to sift through but with patience you can meet some wonderful people that way :)

[Blackadar]

<b>
1. If you own your home, don't move out until the divorce agreement has been finalized.</b>

Why? In my State, we have to be separated a year before we can get divorced. Someone has to move out. We're putting the house up for sale.

<b>
2. Don't give her everything because you feel bad (particularly if it was primarily your choice).</b>

She's not getting everything, but she's getting more than her fair share. She's a school teacher - I'm a Branch Manager - and my income (and income potential) is far greater than hers. I figure I can make up any difference and that she'll need the nest egg from the house proceeds much more than I.

<b>
3. If you do leave the house don't go back and do the lawn.</b>

Who's going to do it? She can't and I'm not paying a lawn service.

<b>
4. During the divorce don't get bitter and do what's best for the kid(s).</b>

Way ahead of you. She and I are better friends than lovers.

<b>
4. I don't know if you're a religious person but one of the best and safest ways to meet people is through religious organizations.</b>

Rejected. I don't have a religion.

<b>
5. Set ups by frineds who know you well also can work.</b>

Yep, once I make some single friends. My estranged's been manic-depressive for years - she's a bit better now that she's on medication, but it sort of drove off most of our long-term friends.

<b>
5. Bars, clubs, etc. are really hit and miss. You can usually still get some casual sex but serious relationships are hard to find here.</b>

As I said, not my scene. I'm getting too old for that sort of shit. A mid-30s guy hanging around in a bar...pathetic.

[Blackadar]

Ok, I'll bite on the Internet dating. Where is a good place to start?

[Tarkus]

1. If you own your home, don't move out until the divorce agreement has been finalized.

Why? In my State, we have to be separated a year before we can get divorced. Someone has to move out. We're putting the house up for sale.

Actually someone doesn't have to more out (at least in some states), but it's probably best if someone does. As long as you're putting the house up for sale I don't see a problem (again from a layman's perspective). However, if she were to stay in the house you'd be giving up a big bargaining chip by moving out.

2. Don't give her everything because you feel bad (particularly if it was primarily your choice).

She's not getting everything, but she's getting more than her fair share. She's a school teacher - I'm a Branch Manager - and my income (and income potential) is far greater than hers. I figure I can make up any difference and that she'll need the nest egg from the house proceeds much more than I.

She'll make up the difference in spousal support. Many people do what you're planning on doing and regret it later. You should take what's rightfully yours; no more, no less.

3. If you do leave the house don't go back and do the lawn.

Who's going to do it? She can't and I'm not paying a lawn service.

Geesh, depending on where you live, unless it's a mansion you can get lawn service for $50 a month.

5. Set ups by frineds who know you well also can work.

Yep, once I make some single friends. My estranged's been manic-depressive for years - she's a bit better now that she's on medication, but it sort of drove off most of our long-term friends.

Well, don't overlook married friends either. They too can be a good source.

Tarkus

[Fritz]

Blackadar,

Think about taking some classes towards your next level of education. You can work on your mind and get to meet new people while you are at it.

[Craptacular]

Try to meet as many friends of your friends as possible, but don't let them try to "set you up". You might get lucky and just happen to meet a great one, maybe even playing a game, like, oh I don't know, Beyond Balderdash. :D

[Tarkus]

Wait, doesn't Easy Mac know an available woman? :D

Tarkus

[Swaggs]

This is the real dynasty that I have been craving! ;)

Just kidding.

I think, as stated by some above, that using your friends to meet their friends, relatives, etc is the best way to go for a successful future relationship.

It is unfortunate that you can't/don't go out socially with your co-workers. I think going out for the afterwork drink once or twice a week is a good way to meet new people (networking with their friends).

My wife and I have a family friend that has tried internet dating a little bit. She actually went on several dates, including multiple dates with a few guys, and found someone she was interested in. But, keep in mind that any person you meet on a dating site is probably going to be going out on a lot of other dates, as well. I definitely think it can work, but I think you probably have to be pretty thick skinned in a lot of ways.

Make sure that she likes the Steelers, by the way. :)

[bbor]

Good luck Blackie.....Seems like you got a good head on your shoulders and have this situation well in hand.I hope that if this ever happens to me i can take it as bravely as you.

chin up.

[Blackadar]

Tarkus:

What you're saying is smart advice. But frankly, I'm not that materialistic. I'm actually looking forwad to living a bit...Spartan. Plus, my estranged and I are very good friends. I don't think we'll go down the road of getting nasty. If we do, there's one HUGE poker chip - our 3 year old. I'm asking for joint custody, but he'll live with this Mother. If she wants to get nasty, then that could change quickly and I know she's not willing to risk it. It sounds cold, but she's a good Mom. If she gets greedy, then I won't view her as a good Mom and I'll want to take care of him.

Fritz:
I considered that, but I already have a Batchelor's Degree and I'm in Sales. I'm not sure that a Master's Degree helps me in my field. I suppose it's something to consider, though.

[Blackadar]

You know what REALLY sucks, Swaggs?

There's a beautiful girl in my office to whom I'm very attracted. But she reports to me...not good. So I can't do anything without risking my job, which I'm not willing to do. Serious bummer.

[sabotai]

Glad the divorse sounds liek it's going to be a good one.

My adivce. Ok, so you don't want to use your kid to pick up chicks. I agree with that decision. Don't need to plant a seed in your son's head that his father used him to do something else, and thus giving him a sort of "my daddy didn't really love me" complex.

Yes, I am dating a psych major. :)

Seriously though, what's the next best thing?

That's right. A DOG! Buy a dog, and take it for LOTS of walsk in the park. Instant babe magnet. :)

[Tarkus]

Originally posted by Blackadar
You know what REALLY sucks, Swaggs?

There's a beautiful girl in my office to whom I'm very attracted. But she reports to me...not good. So I can't do anything without risking my job, which I'm not willing to do. Serious bummer.
Fire her butt, then date her. Wait, something doesn't quite jive with that strategy. :D

Tarkus

[Easy Mac]

Originally posted by Tarkus
Wait, doesn't Easy Mac know an available woman? :D

Tarkus

Actually, the girl in question is now shacking up with one of my roommates friends, and he was just propositioned by one of the girls on her hall... man they have interesting lives.

I'm serious man, get/borrow a dog and play frisbee with it in the park. I took care of my parent's dog for a few days (nothing like a border collie in an apartment room for a week), and we went out and played frisbee and shit, and I had girls who never spoke to me before come over and strike up conversations and "pet the dog" (quotations are for effect and were not used in real life :()

[kid_dynamite]

i agree about the dog and park scenario. dogs can break the ice because a girl has something to come up and say if she is attracted to you at all and can easily move in without thinking of something to say. then things lead from one thing to another. also meeting women in a park is a lot better than meeting them in bars im sure.

[Blackadar]

Actually, I have two dogs. They're going to the pound. I'm tired of the dog hair and mess.

[GrantDawg]

Originally posted by Blackadar
Fritz:
I considered that, but I already have a Batchelor's Degree and I'm in Sales. I'm not sure that a Master's Degree helps me in my field. I suppose it's something to consider, though.

If it is not that big a deal for your job field, take some classes toward another interest. I think that would be a good place.

I have a friend who goes to these "social club" get togethers. They do all sorts of things. There are any number of these groups in major cities, so you might look into that.

He also did the "speed date" thing where you meet 12 women, pick out the ones your interested in, and then if they are interested in you the leader gives you contact information. He said that 2 out of twelve guys were the only ones that got picked.

[Swaggs]

Anything wrong with taking the whole office out for a drink/appetizer evening one Friday after work? My old manager used to do it every month or so as a "job well done" type of thing. I can understand your reservations and would play it very, very cool (as you have detailed). However, just having some stress-free, out of the office environment discussions with your co-workers will strike something in one of them, where they think "Blacky reminds me of so-and-so, I should set them up."

Of course, you could always just start your own website where you keep a diary of your dating triumphs and defeats. Eventually, if you show enough of a sensitive side, some sucker will come along and feel sorry for you, and you will fall in love and get married. Plus, she'll secretly be an heiress. :)

[Lathum]

Blackie- First of all good luck with everything. I was engaged for 3 and a half years and we split up about a year ago. to answer your question about how long you should wait it is totaly up to you and your state of mind but I think you need to spend some time alone getting to know yourself. I have found that if you go out looking for something you won't find it. If you just take things as they come you will meet some cool people and develope a nice social life.

After I split up with my fiancee I hung out with my sister and my cousins alot. Going out with them I met alot of cool people. Plus going out with my sister takes alot of preasure off me because we can start up conversations with the oppisite sex for each other, or bail each other out.

Basicly. just give it time, belive it or not, you will know when you are ready.

[klayman]

Originally posted by sabotai
Glad the divorse sounds liek it's going to be a good one.

My adivce. Ok, so you don't want to use your kid to pick up chicks. I agree with that decision. Don't need to plant a seed in your son's head that his father used him to do something else, and thus giving him a sort of "my daddy didn't really love me" complex.

Yes, I am dating a psych major. :)

Seriously though, what's the next best thing?

That's right. A DOG! Buy a dog, and take it for LOTS of walsk in the park. Instant babe magnet. :)

But won't the dog get a complex then? :)

[Radii]

Originally posted by Blackadar
Ok, I'll bite on the Internet dating. Where is a good place to start?

I sent you a PM.

[Tarkus]

Originally posted by Radii
I sent you a PM.
Are you sure you're his type?

Tarkus

[sabotai]

"But won't the dog get a complex then? "

LOL...It's the dog that has us fooled. The dog just wants attention from everyone. Using it to get the babes gives it more attention, and then it's very happy. :)

See, it's the dog that uses us!

[Airhog]

Originally posted by Radii
I sent you a PM.

I met my gf, soon to be fiance through yahoo messenger. It allowed me to easily scan 20 or 30 people a night, and find instant sparks....

[Godzilla Blitz]

Blackie: I like Fritz's idea about classes. Doesn't have to be a serious class. Extension classes at universities have a wide range of pretty good classes, and a lot of interesting single people in them, especially if you pick an area that has a high female/male ratio. Hint: not computer science. I'd also try to find a class that does a lot of group work, not a class that just has lectures.

Health clubs can be meat markets, but good ones offer classes and clubs, and those can be a great way to meet people. I messed around with tennis for a couple of years (took group lessons, joined a couple of ladders) and that was a lot of fun, and you can't help but meet people that way. Also, the running (marathon) club at the health club I used to go to was huge, with a solid social environment.

Book clubs can be cool too, and good book stores often have a few running on different themes. The kid in the park strategy is famous, but for me, it always seem that I met women in bookstores and libraries. I have no idea why this happened.

The last piece of advice would be to dress up like a woman as much as possible. I've done that twice for Halloween in my life, and it was unbelievable how women react. I've had friends do the same thing, and they all say the same thing: it really is amazing how many women will come on to you when you dress up as one. Makes me think that the best method to pick up women, even better than ones prescribed by Horns School of Romance, is to dress up like a woman and take your kid and a puppy to a park. This also might be the best way to get killed in some US cities, so you may need to make a judgement call here.

One last piece of statistical information that might be food for thought. Despite media impressions to the contrary, the report Sex in America stated that the majority of people in the US get romantically involved with people that they have known for a year or more. If you believe that (course it isn't true for everyone, but it's something to think about), then it makes sense to start building up a circle of friends now, so that you'll have more options when you decide you're ready.

Good luck. Sorry to hear about your divorce, although it sounds like you're doing ok.

[Swaggs]

Another option is to move in with Easy Mac, since it is obvious that he lives in Melrose Place. :)

[3ric]

Makes me think that the best method to pick up women, even better than ones prescribed by Horns School of Romance, is to dress up like a woman and take your kid and a puppy to a park. This also might be the best way to get killed in some US cities, so you may need to make a judgement call here.

:eek:

[Draft Dodger]

of this whole situation, I only know of one bit of advice for sure:

you ain't going to meet any chicks here.

hope that helps.
(and, seriously, good luck).

[Tarkus]

Uh, taking classes just to meet girls sounds really silly to me, and a waste of money. I'd save the dough I'd spend on classes and hire someone to do the lawn every week. :D The dog thing too sounds pretty silly. I wonder how many people have actually met women they've dated more than once while walking a dog. People do meet on the internet but that's also very rare. I still gotta believe the best source is going to be friends and relatives fixing you up.

Tarkus

[TLK]

Originally posted by Swaggs
Another option is to move in with Easy Mac, since it is obvious that he lives in Melrose Place. :)

:D :D :D

[Honolulu_Blue]

Originally posted by Blackadar
Ok, I'll bite on the Internet dating. Where is a good place to start?

I'd say Match.com. I heard two chicks talking about it a while back. They raved. A friend also used to write columns for its sister-site. Check it out. Seems safe, reputable, ton of folk.

[Blackadar]

<b>The last piece of advice would be to dress up like a woman as much as possible. I've done that twice for Halloween in my life, and it was unbelievable how women react. I've had friends do the same thing, and they all say the same thing: it really is amazing how many women will come on to you when you dress up as one. Makes me think that the best method to pick up women, even better than ones prescribed by Horns School of Romance, is to dress up like a woman and take your kid and a puppy to a park. This also might be the best way to get killed in some US cities, so you may need to make a judgement call here.</b>

Well, I used to dress up as Frank-n-furter for the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

[Easy Mac]

Originally posted by Blackadar
<b>The last piece of advice would be to dress up like a woman as much as possible. I've done that twice for Halloween in my life, and it was unbelievable how women react. I've had friends do the same thing, and they all say the same thing: it really is amazing how many women will come on to you when you dress up as one. Makes me think that the best method to pick up women, even better than ones prescribed by Horns School of Romance, is to dress up like a woman and take your kid and a puppy to a park. This also might be the best way to get killed in some US cities, so you may need to make a judgement call here.</b>

Well, I used to dress up as Frank-n-furter for the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Does this fall under the "things we didn't need to know" category?

[scooper]

Three words:

Mail Order Bride.

(I hear the Russians can be cute)

[Swaggs]

If you do a good job on the mail order bride, perhaps she can do the yardwork as well?

[Radii]

Originally posted by Tarkus
People do meet on the internet but that's also very rare.

I think what most people(definitely myself) were referring to here was "internet personals" sites where the goal is to meet people. Not meeting your future wife on a message board or chat room or anything.

Oh and re:

"Are you sure you're his type?"

I can send you a PM too if you're jealous :p

[sachmo71]

Originally posted by scooper
Three words:

Mail Order Bride.

(I hear the Russians can be cute)

If you don't mind a few grooming issues and a high peanut butter factor.

[Syrinx]

Originally posted by scooper
Three words:

Mail Order Bride.

(I hear the Russians can be cute)

Four words:

Nicole Kidman: Birthday Girl (http://us.imdb.com/Title?0188453)

[kid_dynamite]

i think somebody already said it but i think, in my personal experiences, you tend to find women when you arent necessarily looking for them. just be yourself and go out and have a little bit of fun in the social sector and your bound to run into someone. seems to me when i search for them there is not much luck but then out of the blue you meet someone when you had no intentions of finding anybody.

[CamEdwards]

I think the real question is when is it appropriate for HornsManiac to start hitting on your soon to be ex-wife? :)

[Tarkus]

Originally posted by kid_dynamite
i think somebody already said it but i think, in my personal experiences, you tend to find women when you arent necessarily looking for them. just be yourself and go out and have a little bit of fun in the social sector and your bound to run into someone. seems to me when i search for them there is not much luck but then out of the blue you meet someone when you had no intentions of finding anybody.
I too frequently found that to be the case.

Tarkus

[JPhillips]

I had a friend that got into the internet dating thing. He was unlucky at love, ending up with three different trashy, overweight women, but extremely lucky in that all of them gave him free pot! I guess you just need to know what you are looking for.

[RendeR]

The only thing good about Nicole kidman is her Birthday SUIT.....

as long as she never speaks, she'd do just fine =)

[Craptacular]

Originally posted by Godzilla Blitz

The last piece of advice would be to dress up like a woman as much as possible. I've done that twice for Halloween in my life, and it was unbelievable how women react. I've had friends do the same thing, and they all say the same thing: it really is amazing how many women will come on to you when you dress up as one.

I don't know if I'd recommend it, but a married couple that I'm very good friends with met at an anti-Valentine's day party ... while he was dressed up as a woman. The image of him in a dress still scars my brain, but it worked for him.

[Fritz]

You could always post in www.hotornot.com (not work safe sometime)

[cthomer5000]

Originally posted by Honolulu_Blue
I'd say Match.com. I heard two chicks talking about it a while back. They raved. A friend also used to write columns for its sister-site. Check it out. Seems safe, reputable, ton of folk.

Agreed. I read an article a few months ago in a new york paper that reviewed all the dating sites, and I believe Match.com was listed #1.

[cthomer5000]

Originally posted by Fritz
You could always post in www.hotornot.com (not work safe sometime)

I'll second this (seriously). Aside from the rating part there is a section where you meet people by looking at their photo/description and simply saying yes or no to meeting them. It's basically double-blind so you only see someone who wants to meet you when it's a match on both ends. You can actually also set it up so when anyone clicks "yes" to you you get an email with a link as well. It's free to do that stuff, but to initiate contact (After matching) it costs some money. I think it runs about 7 bucks a month, making it easiliy the cheapest of all the "dating" sites.

[cthomer5000]

and if you really want to spend some time alone first:

http://www.womenbehindbars.com/

don't worry, they won't be available for a date for at least 6 months. :D

[Blackadar]

LOL!

Funny stuff.

Man, I'm looking forward to getting my apartment. :)

[Blackadar]

BTW, my new favorite song:

April Lavigne - "I'm with you"

Almost perfect - just a has a bit too much teenage angst.

[sabotai]

"Well, I used to dress up as Frank-n-furter for the Rocky Horror Picture Show."

And another piece of the puzzle falls into place...

(I used to go to Rocky Horror Picture Shows too, but I can't say I ever dressed up for it. :) )

[GrantDawg]

Originally posted by sabotai
"Well, I used to dress up as Frank-n-furter for the Rocky Horror Picture Show."

And another piece of the puzzle falls into place...

(I used to go to Rocky Horror Picture Shows too, but I can't say I ever dressed up for it. :) )

And then there was lips...

[sabotai]

That's not butter......that's not butter....

[Blackadar]

Actually, it was REALLY good to pick up women when I did that. A bunch of horny 18 year old girls who were loaded/stoned wearing next to nothing all over me. The only other time I've had is in a strip club...except they weren't horny or loaded - I was.

[sabotai]

Just for the record, I LOVE hottie 18 year old stoned chicks.

[Blackadar]

Who wants me to turn this into a dynasty thread? If there's a demand, I'll do it. It's not like I won't have the time.

"RETURN OF THE MARRIED GUY TO SINGLE LIFE"

Going to look for an apartment today during work hours. I have a business trip next week and I'm looking to move out the following weekend, so I better get something today. I can't go this weekend because I have a lot of shit to do around the house to get it ready to sell.

[JeeberD]

Oh man, you have to make this into a dynasty, you absolutely have to. It would be the greatest dynasty ever...

[3ric]

Absolutely! I mean, your previous dynasty, "Blackadar outlasts the abusive manager" was a very captivating read. I checked out the latest development in the thread daily. It's like our own online reality show!

[Radii]

I agree! DYNASTY!

[Fritz]

don't date

get a Real Doll. $6000 may seem loke a lot now, but you're forgetting how much you spend on dating.

ask sjshaw

[Swaggs]

Dynasty!!!

This has the potential to become the greatest FOFC dynasty ever. Especially if you online date and let us vote on who you go out with.