How are you folks able to live far away from where you work?

[Abe Sargent]

Okay, I thought about whether or not to tell the following story. It's rather disgusting, but I'm going to tell it anyway, cause's it's funny, and I also need some help with it. Be warned, not for the weak.





Okay









Today I got back from lunch and everything was working properly with my bowels. While checking messages on my work phone in my office, here in a residence hall, I let out what I thought was a minor normal everyday fart. it was not. It was, instead, the first warning sign of a strong case of diarrhea. I basically shit a bit in my underwear. Calmly, I walk up and head to my apartment, a few minutes away. I take off my khakis and see that it went through them, and I clean up, take a shit, and shower quickly, then put on a new pair of underwear and pants that were also khaki.

Alright, so I came back to my office 20 minutes later cool and calm and collected That's the first time that's happened to me in probably ten years, but okay. Uh-oh. Some of the liquid shit was in a butt-crack shaped line going down the center of my work chair.

So I grabbed a tablecloth in my office folded plastic side out and I am sitting on that. On top of that is me and I took off my jacket around me so that you can;t see the tablecloth at all. However, at the end of the day, how do I clean this up? Anybody know how to clean up shit from an office chair? What product would work on that?

Oh, and what do you do when this happens to you at work normally? Immediately head for the car, drive away, and call off sick from the car? Boy am I glad that I live less than a 3 minute walk from my office.

[RomaGoth]

Only on the interwebs.......:eek:

[Dr. Sak]

I let out what I thought was a minor normal everyday fart. it was not. It was, instead, the first warning sign of a strong case of diarrhea. I basically shit a bit in my underwear. Calmly, I walk up and head to my apartment, a few minutes away. I take off my khakis and see that it went through them, and I clean up, take a shit, and shower quickly, then put on a new pair of underwear and pants that were also khaki

The term for that is SHART

[Lathum]

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[Mustang]

Since you shit your pants every ten years, you should be safe until 2019 at least.

[cuervo72]

The discarded thread ideas thread - Front Office Football Central (http://operationsports.com/fofc/showthread.php?t=75880)

[Mizzou B-ball fan]

Am I the only one thinking Abe should have already swapped office chairs with someone else and let them deal with it?

[Abe Sargent]

Today's my birthday too. that's a birthday present I'll not forget..

[DanGarion]

SHIT!

[Abe Sargent]

Seriously though, teh cleaning. I don't think Febreeze is gonna do it this time, so what do we have for suggestions? I don;t remember a commercial ever saying - "Gets shit out of your office chair."

[Dr. Sak]

Pet stain remover. One Shart...i mean Shot

[RomaGoth]

Am I the only one thinking Abe should have already swapped office chairs with someone else and let them deal with it?

Seriously though, teh cleaning. I don't think Febreeze is gonna do it this time, so what do we have for suggestions? I don;t remember a commercial ever saying - "Gets shit out of your office chair."

^ See above

[Honolulu_Blue]

The discarded thread ideas thread - Front Office Football Central (http://operationsports.com/fofc/showthread.php?t=75880)

Between this and the "Tell Tiger to get his own place" post in Dr. Sak's thread, you, sir, are on a roll.

[GoldenEagle]

Why can't you just swap the chair out with another one?

[Rizon]

The discarded thread ideas thread - Front Office Football Central (http://operationsports.com/fofc/showthread.php?t=75880)

:D

[path12]

Second the pet stain remover idea.

I just cannot comment on anything else in this story.

[TCY Junkie]

You might want to go to he pound and get a puppy and bring him into work. Say you saw him in the traffic outside of work, then the next day tell everyone he shit in your chair. If the girl at the pound says you have soft skin when you hand her the puppy back for shitting in your chair, walk away.

[Passacaglia]

Any kind of carpet cleaner (which Febreze is not) really. If the odor is a problem, then use pet stain remover.

[Apathetic Lurker]

I live two minutes away from where I work....the bad thing is I drive a bus so if I drop a load I am screwed.....

[RomaGoth]

I live two minutes away from where I work....the bad thing is I drive a bus so if I drop a load I am screwed.....

If you drop a load wouldn't you have an empty bus?

[Passacaglia]

I live two minutes away from where I work....the bad thing is I drive a bus so if I drop a load I am screwed.....

Are you trying to say you live in a bus?

[Glengoyne]

The discarded thread ideas thread - Front Office Football Central (http://operationsports.com/fofc/showthread.php?t=75880)

+1

Thank You Cuervo. Damn that was funny.

[chesapeake]

Carpet cleaner is the right way to go. We have uses a product called Resolve to clean up after our 3 yo when she was learning how to do her business and it always did a great job with both the stains and the odor.

Happy Birthday, Abe!

[Glengoyne]

The suggestion that this was a shart, needs to be investigated further. Come on. He farted and got shit on his underwear...pants...and office chair. I don't think that a shart covers that kind of event. This may be something new.

How the hell does that happen? Did you crap your pants and then finish an email? I mean that can't happen instantly can it?

Oh and by all means...switch that chair. Does your boss have the same kind of chair? I ask because one of the managers that reports to me has pretty well put me on notice that when he does actually get another job he is going to take a leak in my chair. (He says it was a tradition he first saw while working at Lotus) I've already identified a number of executives with the same model chair as mine.

[heybrad]

The suggestion that this was a shart, needs to be investigated further. Come on. He farted and got shit on his underwear...pants...and office chair. I don't think that a shart covers that kind of event. This may be something new.
This is what I kept thinking as I read his post. That had to be a much bigger crap than he is letting on.

[Rizon]

I have a black executive leather chair at work, and now I'm afraid to fart in it.

[PurdueBrad]

Damn, wish I had Abe in Secret Santa:

1 box, adult diapers
1 pair khaki pants
Pet carpet cleaner
A Potty for Me (http://www.amazon.com/Potty-Me-Lift-Flap-Instruction/dp/0689874235/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1260492814&sr=8-4) book with lift flaps
SmartScoop electric litter box for emergencies



Sorry Abe, couldn't resist.

[saldana]

seriously abe, this is the funniest thing i have heard in ages.

[tucker rocky]

Kaboom it baby!

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[Logan]

Now I know that hxxp'ing links isn't your biggest issue.

[Autumn]

Yeah, seriously if it gets through two layers onto the chair, that's a bit weird. What sort of pants were you wearing? Are they mesh?

[Abe Sargent]

Yeah, seriously if it gets through two layers onto the chair, that's a bit weird. What sort of pants were you wearing? Are they mesh?

No, but it was in a fully liquid state. Imagine how much soda you'd have to shit out of your ass before it got your chair wet. I'm imagining not much.

[cartman]

This is one of the best "downstairs" stories I've read, approaching "Bob the Anal Fissure" stage.

[lungs]

This has happened to me on more than a few occasions. I mean, being a farmer I can fart all I want at work. What's it going to do, stink the place up?

Anyway, most of the time when I shart a good one I duck walk down to the barn and do an initial wipe and then jump in my truck and head home to change my drawers.

That all said, I'm glad I've got a job where I can pretty well let all my bodily functions go with the flow. If I have to take a piss, I pull my pants down and take a piss wherever I happen to be. If I have to fart, I let it fly no matter whether there are people around or not. I'm surrounded by cows for fuck's sake, it's not like I'm going to stink the place up. Of course if it can be smelled over the odor of the cows, I know I've eaten or drank something pretty wicked.

[lighthousekeeper]

Imagine how much soda you'd have to shit out of your ass before it got your chair wet.

I'm imagining not much.

^
Isn't this the missing verse from John Lennon's Imagine?

[DaddyTorgo]

The suggestion that this was a shart, needs to be investigated further. Come on. He farted and got shit on his underwear...pants...and office chair. I don't think that a shart covers that kind of event. This may be something new.

How the hell does that happen? Did you crap your pants and then finish an email? I mean that can't happen instantly can it?

Oh and by all means...switch that chair. Does your boss have the same kind of chair? I ask because one of the managers that reports to me has pretty well put me on notice that when he does actually get another job he is going to take a leak in my chair. (He says it was a tradition he first saw while working at Lotus) I've already identified a number of executives with the same model chair as mine.

never heard of that at Lotus...

[Autumn]

^
Isn't this the missing verse from John Lennon's Imagine?

FTW

[CamEdwards]

^
Isn't this the missing verse from John Lennon's Imagine?

well played sir.

[flere-imsaho]

Oh, and what do you do when this happens to you at work normally? Immediately head for the car, drive away, and call off sick from the car? Boy am I glad that I live less than a 3 minute walk from my office.

Spend quality time in the bathroom, pop some immodium immediately and head home if possible.

That all said, I'm glad I've got a job where I can pretty well let all my bodily functions go with the flow. If I have to take a piss, I pull my pants down and take a piss wherever I happen to be. If I have to fart, I let it fly no matter whether there are people around or not. I'm surrounded by cows for fuck's sake, it's not like I'm going to stink the place up. Of course if it can be smelled over the odor of the cows, I know I've eaten or drank something pretty wicked.

For a moment I was a bit jealous of your freedom, but then I realized I'm about 50 miles south of you and it's currently 9 degrees outside. So I'm OK in this room temperature office, thanks. :D

[CamEdwards]

So what happened, Abe? Are you sitting in the shit-stained chair today?

[DaddyTorgo]

So what happened, Abe? Are you sitting in the shit-stained chair today?

Cam's radio audience is eagerly awaiting an update. You're going to be famous Abe!

[Glengoyne]

never heard of that at Lotus...

This guy was at lotus in the early days in the 80s. The topic came up in discussion of executives we didn't like. He mentioned a guy by name, and then said "Damn I wish I had peed in his chair". After some laughter, he elaborated. After he resigned he told one of his peers of his plan, but the peer told him "No. That's a developer thing. Only the developers.

[lungs]

For a moment I was a bit jealous of your freedom, but then I realized I'm about 50 miles south of you and it's currently 9 degrees outside. So I'm OK in this room temperature office, thanks. :D

-16 degrees out this morning here :)

It's not so bad since I know how to dress up and work in that kind of weather. Plus my full beard helps. The 10:00 AM until 1 PM nap doesn't hurt either since there isn't much to do after all the essentials were taken care of (ie unfreeze everything)

[Passacaglia]

Sometimes I drive, sometimes I use CTA. Every once in a while, I'll take the Metra -- pretty much only if I'm going to the Loop instead of home.

[CamEdwards]

Cam's radio audience is eagerly awaiting an update. You're going to be famous Abe!

While DT will still be toiling (or is that toileting) in anonymity and obscurity. See, sometimes even skidmarks have silver linings!

[Abe Sargent]

So what happened, Abe? Are you sitting in the shit-stained chair today?

Nope, I'm off today, but I procured it for my apartment and I get cleaner this afternoon

[flere-imsaho]

While DT will still be toiling (or is that toileting) in anonymity and obscurity. See, sometimes even skidmarks have silver linings!

So clue us in here Cam, how many FOFCers or FOFCers' stories have been fodder for your show?

Be honest, every time you use a phrase like "So, some idiot liberal said..." you're really thinking of me, right?

:D

[CamEdwards]

LOL. Actually I'd say FOFC doesn't factor into the radio show much, but Jim Geraghty from NRO is well aware of "the guys from the football message board". I don't really want to get into who gets mentioned and who doesn't, but I typically bring up the posts that make me think, not the average trollpost from the Obama presidency thread.