Parenting sucks. (Advice please?)

[M GO BLUE!!!]

I bought my 17 year old daughter a Dell Mini Notebook for Christmas. I thought I was doing a good thing. Even customized it in her favorite color & got a few upgrades.

Not only did she not thank me for it, she asked if it even had a hard drive. She said that she heard they can't do more than just go online. Her mother now says that "She said she will keep it even though she doesn't consider it to be a real laptop." (I think that her mother told her what I got her when she found out that I wasn't having it shipped directly to her place.)

With the attitude toward something I thought would be a great gift, I am thinking of offering her the chance to give it back & have me return it. I would then give her some cash to go blow on whatever.

One thing is sure... I'm going back to just giving cash from now on. Fuck all this sentimental giving a nice fucking gift bullshit if the kid doesn't appreciate a damn thing.

[k0ruptr]

She's a teenager, give her a few years and she will get over it (the attitude). IMO shes just being bratty because she doesn't understand its a real laptop and can do pretty much everything another one can do. go ahead and offer to let her return it IF you feel like it, otherwise I bet she would appreciate it more the more she gets used to it and uses it.

just my two cents.

[JonInMiddleGA]

FWIW, the lack of appreciation might be a whole separate issue from the reaction to the specific gift.

On the one hand, it sounds like you're definitely getting a raw deal on her attitude.

But on the other hand (and in possible defense only of her perception of the laptop, not of her handling of that reaction), it was only in the past couple of weeks that I found out there were "mini-notebooks" that were anything more than glorified dumb terminals capable of anything more than surfing the web & sending emails. And I'm a grown man who has bought more than my fair share of computers over the last 15 years or so.

So while her reaction does seem pretty shitty, her misconception about what she received seems a lot more forgivable IMO.

[gkb]

She's a teenager, give her a few years and she will get over it (the attitude). IMO shes just being bratty because she doesn't understand its a real laptop and can do pretty much everything another one can do. go ahead and offer to let her return it IF you feel like it, otherwise I bet she would appreciate it more the more she gets used to it and uses it.

just my two cents.

I agree with this. Once she realizes what it can do and how cool it is, I think she'll like it a lot more.

[DaddyTorgo]

sounds like (no offense) she's a spoiled brat. if i ever did that or something like that growing up you can bet i'd be backfisted by my father and get shit for presents the next birthday/holiday/whatever.

my advice would be twofold - attitude adjustment and education.

[Mac Howard]

I'm not wishing to create family conflict here but your second paragraph suggests that you and her mother are separated or divorced and your daughter lives with her mother. If so, could it be that the girl's attitude has been promoted by the mother who has criticised the mni-laptop as inferior in order to minimise the value of the gift or maybe just out of ignorance?

[DaddyTorgo]

I'm not wishing to create family conflict here but your second paragraph suggests that you and her mother are separated or divorced and your daughter lives with her mother. If so, could it be that the girl's attitude has been promoted by the mother who has criticised the mni-laptop as inferior in order to minimise the value of the gift or maybe just out of ignorance?

+1

[Dodgerchick]

sounds like (no offense) she's a spoiled brat. if i ever did that or something like that growing up you can bet i'd be backfisted by my father and get shit for presents the next birthday/holiday/whatever.

my advice would be twofold - attitude adjustment and education.

I had written something similar but wasnt as nice. I agree that if I did that to my parents, theres no way in hell theyd let me forget it and i wouldnt get shit for years to come. all im gonna say is that kids need to appreciate what they get and if they dont, then its time they learn a lesson... for their own good.

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[DaddyTorgo]

I had written something similar but wasnt as nice. I agree that if I did that to my parents, theres no way in hell theyd let me forget it and i wouldnt get shit for years to come. all im gonna say is that kids need to appreciate what they get and if they dont, then its time they learn a lesson... for their own good.

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yes m'am!

[Schmidty]

I have lots of not so nice things to say, but I don't know you enough to say them.

Good luck!!!

[RainMaker]

She sounds like a teenager. The not thanking part is rather low but I guess teenagers can be self centered shits from time to time. If it's a recurring theme, I'd probably step in and say something. Otherwise, she'll grow out of that stage someday and be normal.

While it's easy to bash her and say she's ungrateful and spoiler, you also have to realize that the teenage brain doesn't work like an adult.

[SackAttack]

I'm not wishing to create family conflict here but your second paragraph suggests that you and her mother are separated or divorced and your daughter lives with her mother. If so, could it be that the girl's attitude has been promoted by the mother who has criticised the mni-laptop as inferior in order to minimise the value of the gift or maybe just out of ignorance?

This was my first thought, especially when you mentioned that the mother had told her after finding out it wasn't getting sent to her place.

Probably a combination of a) teenage snottiness and b) the mother playing your gift down in order to increase the perception of her own gift to the child.

[M GO BLUE!!!]

What kinda kicks me in the arse also is that over the past few months, she's been unreal when it come to communication. Sure, she had no clue when my birthday came & went, but I'm used to that. But I'd send an email and would actually get a response... not just a yes/no reply, but where she would actually admit things like hoping that she passed all her finals & saying she only fell asleep during three of them! (should i be proud or something?) She even sent an email telling me "thank you" for her birthday card & saying it was cute.

Part of me wants her to return it, the other wants to just say "fuck it" and never bring anything about it up, just knowing that she REALLY won't appreciate next years generic "Merry Christmas!" card with a $20 in it.

Yes, she's a spoiled little brat who gets anything and everything she wants. (Not from me though, I hadn't given her an actual gift in 4 years, just holiday cash)

[Karlifornia]

I guarantee you in about 10 years, she's gonna apologize for how she treated you. It may not be a direct "I'm sorry for being a jerk kid", but if she has any soul at all she'll look back on how she acted and realize you were trying to do good by her.

I went through this shit with my dad (not to this degree....I never really got anything as nice a laptop computer from my dad), but I realized recently that we're all flawed, and once she gets to an age where she has a better understanding that things aren't always 'Leave It To Beaver', she'll offer you an olive branch, and say 'Thank you'. It may take a while. Hang in there, man.

[Apathetic Lurker]

I had written something similar but wasnt as nice. I agree that if I did that to my parents, theres no way in hell theyd let me forget it and i wouldnt get shit for years to come. all im gonna say is that kids need to appreciate what they get and if they dont, then its time they learn a lesson... for their own good.

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Inconsiderate bitch on the daughters part...and I dont care how old she is..Thats what she is. My daughter got a gift (1 out of many)she didnt like(a set of books) which she threw a me. Next year she got nothing at all for Christmas but a reminder of the previous Christmas.She bitched and moaned she did it as a joke but I could care less. I do not play that game with kids.......

[Lathum]

Sounds to me it is more an issue with the mom.

[DaddyTorgo]

While it's easy to bash her and say she's ungrateful and spoiler, you also have to realize that the teenage brain doesn't work like an adult.

i disagree that this is somehow "the norm" or "should be expected" or "should be let slide without comment."

[DaddyTorgo]

all that being said - in a situation where a separation is involved it's different because there are other ulterior motives potentially at play.

i can certainly understand in that situation that one may not want to be seen as "overreacting" but it seems like you're at least establishing some good communication - maybe send her links to reviews of the mini notebook, or at least excerpted parts talking about the size of the HD and all that you can do with it so that she can see that she was wrong. go so far as to say "what you said hurt me" even. If you've got this developing dialogue with her then that sort of thing ought to spark an apology.

[Matthean]

The only thing it's lacking is a CD/DVD drive and that can be dealt with. As a person who's job it is to sell netbooks, unless you are doing heavyweight stuff, ie video editing and such, then a netbook is more than enough. Far too many people rip on netbooks out of sheer ignorance. Trust me, when she goes off to college she'll much rather carry around her netbook than a 17 inch laptop.
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[Mizzou B-ball fan]

i disagree that this is somehow "the norm" or "should be expected" or "should be let slide without comment."

Agreed. While this specific situation is complicated by the separate parents, I never would have got away with anything like this without a stern lecture. I would have also been offered a trip to help out at the local soup kitchen to see just how good I had it and whether I wanted to swap places with a homeless man.

[Noop]

I am surprised you have a kid. I thought you were gay M Go Blue!!!

As for your kid that sucks she didn't appreciate the gift that seems to be something a lot of kids these days go through. One of my players got a car and complained that it wasn't what he wanted... I thought to myself way too be a little bitch about because you could be walking or catching the bus,

[DaddyTorgo]

I am surprised you have a kid. I thought you were gay M Go Blue!!!

As for your kid that sucks she didn't appreciate the gift that seems to be something a lot of kids these days go through. One of my players got a car and complained that it wasn't what he wanted... I thought to myself way too be a little bitch about because you could be walking or catching the bus,

i'd say "who complains about a car" except for this true story from my town about ohh...12 years ago:

girl a couple grades below me in HS (smoking hottie, but that's besides the point) made it known loud and clear she wanted a little Lexas sports coupe for her 16th bday. Her parents went out and got her the like...Lexus SUV-thing. Girl bitches to high-heaven about how it's not what she wants. Girl goes out driving in it that weekend, catches the front end on the back of a truck and it gets ripped off when the truck drives away. Girl shows up at school on Monday with a brand new Lexus sports coupe.

meanwhile i didn't get my LICENSE until I was 18 and I had to buy my own car at the age of 21 with just money that I saved.

[Noop]

i'd say "who complains about a car" except for this true story from my town about ohh...12 years ago:

girl a couple grades below me in HS (smoking hottie, but that's besides the point) made it known loud and clear she wanted a little Lexas sports coupe for her 16th bday. Her parents went out and got her the like...Lexus SUV-thing. Girl bitches to high-heaven about how it's not what she wants. Girl goes out driving in it that weekend, catches the front end on the back of a truck and it gets ripped off when the truck drives away. Girl shows up at school on Monday with a brand new Lexus sports coupe.

meanwhile i didn't get my LICENSE until I was 18 and I had to buy my own car at the age of 21 with just money that I saved.

Ugh. Don't even get me started on some of the females who make me afraid to ever procreate. I know if I ever do some of the things they do my father, uncles, brothers and other male cousins would kick my ass. I have heard/seen a child tell their parent "Mom I don't want to leave right now, come back and pick me up at 9pm" if that was my mom I would have been left there.

[JonInMiddleGA]

i'd say "who complains about a car" except for this true story from my town ...

That's not all that uncommon a complaint as far as I can figure. I remember it being complained about when I was a teen & I've watched it continue all the way through til today. It's not as though the CDC is going to declare it an epidemic or something but it's definitely not unheard of.

[DaddyTorgo]

That's not all that uncommon a complaint as far as I can figure. I remember it being complained about when I was a teen & I've watched it continue all the way through til today. It's not as though the CDC is going to declare it an epidemic or something but it's definitely not unheard of.

probably right - i just found it somewhat ridiculous that the family dropped probably what...close to 100k on new cars for their 16 year-old daughter in one weekend. the second one after she wrecked the first.

[Mac Howard]

What kinda kicks me in the arse also is that over the past few months, she's been unreal when it come to communication. Sure, she had no clue when my birthday came & went, but I'm used to that. But I'd send an email and would actually get a response... not just a yes/no reply, but where she would actually admit things like hoping that she passed all her finals & saying she only fell asleep during three of them! (should i be proud or something?) She even sent an email telling me "thank you" for her birthday card & saying it was cute.

This makes me think even more that the problem is mum not your daughter.

I get the impression that you haven't had good communication with your daughter in the past but that it's improved recently and you'd like that to continue. Maybe that caused you to buy what you saw as a real good present this Christmas instead of an impersonal lump of cash.

I suspect your daughter's first impression would be positive but mum, realising that this could promote greater contact between you, hosed this down with something like "Nah, it's not even a "real" computer. Doesn't even have a hard disk".

Would your daughter know any better? From her asking if it had a hard drive I guess she's not particularly clued up on PC specifications and could easily be misled by mum.

Part of me wants her to return it, the other wants to just say "fuck it" and never bring anything about it up, just knowing that she REALLY won't appreciate next years generic "Merry Christmas!" card with a $20 in it.

No, as DaddyTorgo says, just try to explain that it is a powerful computer and that the flash drive (I assume that's what is has) makes the PC more robust - won't break the first time she drops it as hard drives tend to - and reduces power consumption for longer operation between charges. It doesn't make it an inferior machine and it will run any of the software she would want it to. It's also much more portable than a full size laptop and increasingly the option taken by many businessmen these days.

Yes, she's a spoiled little brat who gets anything and everything she wants. (Not from me though, I hadn't given her an actual gift in 4 years, just holiday cash)

Well, maybe that is the truth but is my alternative scenario possibly correct? Don't destroy your improving relationship until you know for certain what's going on.

[ISiddiqui]

Part of it sounds like mom creating conflict so she's the favored parent and the other part sounds like the daughter is spoiled. I'm sorry, but even if its a crappy netbook, that's still a decent amount of money that was shelled out. The proper response, if you don't like a gift, is graciousness.

[dubb93]

Well I can share a sad story with you that maybe you can pass on to the mom or the child if the child is the root cause to maybe get it through her head how she is acting.

One of my good friends woke up on Christmas morning in a home he hasn't been able to afford the rent on for two months and had to explain to his mentally handicapped child why Santa Claus didn't come this year.

If she doesn't get the point then she is beyond help.

[DaddyTorgo]

Well I can share a sad story with you that maybe you can pass on to the mom or the child if the child is the root cause to maybe get it through her head how she is acting.

One of my good friends woke up on Christmas morning in a home he hasn't been able to afford the rent on for two months and had to explain to his mentally handicapped child why Santa Claus didn't come this year.

If she doesn't get the point then she is beyond help.

holy fuck :(

[sterlingice]

I know that I appreciate my parents a lot more now than I did when I was younger and I've tried to tell them a lot more. But it's hard when you're that age to have that sort of perspective.

I'd try to add something more, but I don't really have kids. Plus, I think Mac, in particular, gave some great advice.

SI

[M GO BLUE!!!]

The only thing it's lacking is a CD/DVD drive and that can be dealt with. As a person who's job it is to sell netbooks, unless you are doing heavyweight stuff, ie video editing and such, then a netbook is more than enough. Far too many people rip on netbooks out of sheer ignorance. Trust me, when she goes off to college she'll much rather carry around her netbook than a 17 inch laptop.
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My sister bought her the matching Dell DVD/CD drive. I figured a 100 lb stick-figure girl who thinks that she's going to be Miss America would like a computer she could simply toss in a bag & not have to lug around.

I am surprised you have a kid. I thought you were gay M Go Blue!!!

As for your kid that sucks she didn't appreciate the gift that seems to be something a lot of kids these days go through. One of my players got a car and complained that it wasn't what he wanted... I thought to myself way too be a little bitch about because you could be walking or catching the bus,

Life would be easier if I was simply gay rather than jaded, bitter & fat.

This makes me think even more that the problem is mum not your daughter.

I get the impression that you haven't had good communication with your daughter in the past but that it's improved recently and you'd like that to continue. Maybe that caused you to buy what you saw as a real good present this Christmas instead of an impersonal lump of cash.

I suspect your daughter's first impression would be positive but mum, realising that this could promote greater contact between you, hosed this down with something like "Nah, it's not even a "real" computer. Doesn't even have a hard disk".

Would your daughter know any better? From her asking if it had a hard drive I guess she's not particularly clued up on PC specifications and could easily be misled by mum.

No, as DaddyTorgo says, just try to explain that it is a powerful computer and that the flash drive (I assume that's what is has) makes the PC more robust - won't break the first time she drops it as hard drives tend to - and reduces power consumption for longer operation between charges. It doesn't make it an inferior machine and it will run any of the software she would want it to. It's also much more portable than a full size laptop and increasingly the option taken by many businessmen these days.

Well, maybe that is the truth but is my alternative scenario possibly correct? Don't destroy your improving relationship until you know for certain what's going on.

I sent her the list of specs. It has one of the 2.5 inch hard drives, basically the same one in an ipod 160.

Well I can share a sad story with you that maybe you can pass on to the mom or the child if the child is the root cause to maybe get it through her head how she is acting.

One of my good friends woke up on Christmas morning in a home he hasn't been able to afford the rent on for two months and had to explain to his mentally handicapped child why Santa Claus didn't come this year.

If she doesn't get the point then she is beyond help.

If I told them this story, they would BOTH think I was calling her "mentally handicapped." Her skin makes single-ply toilet paper seem thick.

Her mother bought her the car of her dreams a couple months ago. A kid without a job gets a $20,000 Kia Soul. The kids at school make fun of it, saying how ugly it is, etc. I hear this from my sister, as she never told me that she has a car. :)

[DaddyTorgo]

My sister bought her the matching Dell DVD/CD drive. I figured a 100 lb stick-figure girl who thinks that she's going to be Miss America would like a computer she could simply toss in a bag & not have to lug around.



Life would be easier if I was simply gay rather than jaded, bitter & fat.



I sent her the list of specs. It has one of the 2.5 inch hard drives, basically the same one in an ipod 160.



If I told them this story, they would BOTH think I was calling her "mentally handicapped." Her skin makes single-ply toilet paper seem thick.

Her mother bought her the car of her dreams a couple months ago. A kid without a job gets a $20,000 Kia Soul. The kids at school make fun of it, saying how ugly it is, etc. I hear this from my sister, as she never told me that she has a car. :)

zoinks. kids these days.

[ISiddiqui]

Some kids these days. ;)

[Arles]

Part of it sounds like mom creating conflict so she's the favored parent and the other part sounds like the daughter is spoiled. I'm sorry, but even if its a crappy netbook, that's still a decent amount of money that was shelled out. The proper response, if you don't like a gift, is graciousness.
My thoughts exactly. Sounds like a tough situation, but I think she will grow out of this phase and appreciate your efforts as she gets older. So, I wouldn't give up quite yet.

[Mac Howard]

If I told them this story, they would BOTH think I was calling her "mentally handicapped." Her skin makes single-ply toilet paper seem thick.

I take it from that that you're "on the nose" as far as mum (and daughter?) are concerned. You don't have a lot of credibility there?

Her mother bought her the car of her dreams a couple months ago. A kid without a job gets a $20,000 Kia Soul. The kids at school make fun of it, saying how ugly it is, etc. I hear this from my sister, as she never told me that she has a car. :)

That certainly sounds like "spoiled brat" is a possibility :)

A couple of other possibilities occurred to me overnight so I'll describe them anyway:

Mum told her that dad was buying her a PC for Christmas. In her ignorance she expected a laptop but when it arrived it looked more like a toy.

1) is she merely asking you "what is it?". "Is it just a device for accessing the internet?" She's asking a question not criticising the gift.

2) She's genuinely disappointed. She expected a fully fledged laptop, even told her friends what she was getting, but when it came it looks like a toy - one of those cheap things designed for third world countries at $100 a pop.

She too was pleased at the increased communication of late but is disappointed that dad turns out to be the cheapskate ratbag mum always said he was :rolleyes:

You need to make it clear it's not only a fully-fledged PC but in many ways better than a laptop - more portable and robust. Maybe the spec will do that.

But, I must admit, your last two comments suggest "spoiled brat" may be the reality.

[JediKooter]

Next christmas she gets a horse and a calculator.

[DaddyTorgo]

Next christmas she gets a horse and a calculator.

hahaha :D

[Mac Howard]

Next christmas she gets a horse and a calculator.

Lol!

If nothing else, M GO BLUE, maybe you're getting a belly laugh out of this :)

[lighthousekeeper]

you know what word i hate?

mum

[k0ruptr]

I think 17 year old kids don't have as much life experience as a 30 - 50 year old adult. pretty sure anyway.

[SportsDino]

If I dissed a pair of socks I got as a Christmas present I'd get a stern talking to.

Kids are soft, weak, selfish and thinking they are entitled to everything while doing nothing...

[M GO BLUE!!!]

I take it from that that you're "on the nose" as far as mum (and daughter?) are concerned. You don't have a lot of credibility there?

"On the nose"? Must be an Aussie thing, like Vegimite... ;)

No credibility whatsoever. When I disciplined her at 3 for calling her mother "stupid" I was told I was too rough (2 whaps on the butt?) When I brought up that telling a kid fresh out of kindergarten that the teacher she would have in the fall for 1st grade was mean, I was criticizing her as a parent (she ended up loving the teacher.) She dropped her off at my place so she could go to a party (after apologizing for not finding anyone else, including some woman down the street who she didn't know.) I had been painting the basement with oil-based paint, so there was that odor. I was then accused of "dousing her with gasoline." I could go on...

The good news is that I have only 1.5 years left on child support!

[Dodgerchick]

Inconsiderate bitch on the daughters part...and I dont care how old she is..Thats what she is. My daughter got a gift (1 out of many)she didnt like(a set of books) which she threw a me. Next year she got nothing at all for Christmas but a reminder of the previous Christmas.She bitched and moaned she did it as a joke but I could care less. I do not play that game with kids.......

I thought you had quoted what I posted and later deleted, this is pretty close to what I wrote (except for the bitch part).

It sounds more and more like she's being spoiled. A car at 17? What's worse is that her mom got it for her... yikes. Mom sounds like she's trying really really hard to one up anything you could possibly give her.

In the future, my suggestion would be to give her stuff she needs. Something like tissues, cough drops, Tylenol, shampoo and conditioner, soap, a loofah, and a box labeled "in case of an emergency" and put $5.00 in change in case she needs it for chips or something. Kids need to learn to appreciate everything they get - big or small, it's always the thought and time people put into the present.