my kid is a sore loser

[Sgran]

When I was a kid I hated to lose. Ultracompetitive. I even cheated against my grandma in Paydirt! But I started to deal with it better as I got older. My daughter is the same way, but she's almost 11 and it doesn't seem to be subsiding. Yesterday, she was bawling before we finished playing a single game of Yahtzee. Normally I am tough with her that she needs to deal with losing (or lack of success is probably a better way to put it in life's terms), but yesterday I really felt bad for her when she said that she never wins, and I was vacillating between being tough and being supportive.
Just wondering what the other parents and resident psychologists think about this. Is there anything to be done or does she just have to go through it enough to learn to control her emotions.

[Butter]

Losing at a game = be tough.

Losing at life = be supportive.

Or you could tell her "Of course you never win, you're 11." Or you could let her win one, if that's possible. Just don't be too obvious about it, because she's 11 and she'll probably pick up on it, then that'll just make it worse.

[M GO BLUE!!!]

Did you spike the dice again & yell "IN YOUR FACE!" Then do the Yahtzee dance on her bed at 3am proclaiming your Yahtzee superiority? :D

I remember when my daughter was about 5 she got pissed when she lost yet another game of Sorry and bitched "You never let me win." I told her that I'm not going to just let her win like some other people do, that if she ever should beat me that she'd know it was for real. Damn I regretted that when she beat me & wouldn't rematch.

[Lathum]

My Dad and I played chess and ping pong all the time when I was a kid and he never let me win. He explained to me that when you play a game against someone better and lose it is an opportunity to improve at that game and the only way you get better at something is to play against better people. If you always win at a game you would never improve, for example, if she played Yatzee all the time against a 5 year old she would win everytime, but never get better because her skills wouldn't be tested.

[SteveMax58]

Losing at a game = be tough.

Losing at life = be supportive.


This is pretty much my approach as well. It can be a little difficult to sometimes draw the distinction though.

For instance, playing football is just a game but it takes a lot of practice to get better at it (like any sport). So, it is sometimes tough to make my son realize the value in playing hard every play if it doesnt matter if they win or lose (they are 6 yr olds & in my area they dont even really keep score).

It can be a tough balancing act but maybe letting her win an occasional Yahtzee game might help her & she would see your example of how to accept defeat gracefully?

[Mustang]

The only game I play with my 3 year old is Memory and she puts the beat down on me.

[Lathum]

The only game I play with my 3 year old is Memory and she puts the beat down on me.

I recently played memory with Saldanas daughters, age 4 and 6, and they destroyed me. I think the older one was toying with me.

[Mustang]

I recently played memory with Saldanas daughters, age 4 and 6, and they destroyed me. I think the older one was toying with me.

Ya, my 3 year old talks shit while playing. She'll flip one up.. "Never seen that one before..." and then proceed to flip up the match.

[Noop]

I hate to lose. I am ultra-competitive and I think that because I always had to do as good as my brother and cousins in everything. Even when I coach I've been told a few times to relax because I coach from the beginning to the very end.

[Apathetic Lurker]

Tell your daughter to cowboy up........

[JonInMiddleGA]

Did you spike the dice again & yell "IN YOUR FACE!" Then do the Yahtzee dance on her bed at 3am proclaiming your Yahtzee superiority?

Been watching Dave Chappelle reruns?

[CraigSca]

Your grandmother sounds like a saint - she agreed to play PAYDIRT with you? Man, you owe her an apology.

[Butter]

At least they didn't play Pit.

[Subby]

11 is pretty old to still be exhibiting that kind of behavior. The worst thing you can do is give in to her reaction. Be supportive but firm about how sportsmanship works.

Kids model their behavior on their parents when it comes to gameplay. Make sure you are keeping it fun.

[Warhammer]

Another thing, play a game where decisions matter. One of the great disservices we subject our kids to is crappy games. If we play games that are mostly dependent upon luck, all we teach our kids is that some people get lucky sometimes and that is the way things are. If we play games that challenge them, then we can provide some life lessons during the game. "See, if you did this instead of this, you would have developed X," etc.

I was playing my son a game recently where he had to make a decision. He could either pay a point and be safe or take a hit and take the chance he hit me for more. I think we were playing Federation Commander or something like that. He chose to pay the point and not attack, I was then able to keep up the pressure and won. He said it wasn't fair, etc., etc. I pointed out to him that he chose to do things that he thought was right at the time, but pointed out how he could have done things differently. He picked up on a fair amount of it pretty quick. He has developed a pretty keen eye for sizing up a situation because he will look at all avenues of attack for a problem. He also realizes that his decisions and actions have consequences. He's 8.

[Warhammer]

At least they didn't play Pit.

And what is wrong with Pit? :rant:

[JediKooter]

WELCOME TO HOLLYWOOD!!

[Karlifornia]

Tell her it was foolish of her to use her chance roll when she hadn't even gotten her large straight. If she can't see the error of her ways, then it's because to just give up completely.

[Autumn]

One question would be does your daughter get a chance to play against anyone else? Always playing against someone much better than you can be frustrating. If she has chances to play games against her peers, younger kids, etc., she can experience both how to be a good winner, a good loser, how to deal with someone at your level.

[ColtCrazy]

I've always played my oldest son tough in any game we do. He finally beat me at Madden the other day (me on All-Pro, him on rookie) and he was a very good winner. He's never been much of a complainer if he loses, just wants to do better the next time.

[thesloppy]

Maybe blackjack not game for her?

[JediKooter]

Is it the losing or is it the Great Santini verbal beat down your kid gets? ;)

[sovereignstar]

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[JonInMiddleGA]

when she said that she never wins, and I was vacillating between being tough and being supportive.

Far be it from me to be the sensitive one in the thread but ... there was something about this that sent up a little bit of a red flag, or more accurately I guess, a potential red flag.

I'd at least explore that a little bit more (if you haven't already of course) something about it made me wonder if there weren't other issues in her life outside the family that were manifesting in the game(s) with you.

[PilotMan]

I was telling the Mrs. that I was a bad Dad yesterday, because I beat my 8 year old 4 games in a row at Connect 4, then came from way behind to beat him at WAR. Funny thing is that he is usually really competitive and a poor loser, but he was great, and was watching how I was beating him in Connect 4, and started using my own strategy against me. Brilliant! I praised what he was doing well, even though he wasn't winning.

As for your problem, she is old enough to know life isn't fair. The biggest thing that you need to worry about is her perception about things in her life. She may have the tendency to fixate on the negative (she never wins), and it might be indicative of a self esteem issue. This may not translate well as kids grow up. There is a tendency to use blame as a way of deflecting personal responsibility. Start pointing out positive things, and good things that happen to her as a way of countering her negative views, so she doesn't get the sympathy and reinforcement (which she seeks) and continues the behavior.

[SirFozzie]

Tell her "Welcome to hollywood!"

[terpkristin]

Ok I feel horrible that I misread the thread title and read "my kid is a loser."