How do I handle this?

[PackerFanatic]

One side note before I start: it's crazy that the first place I think to post this is here. This is a great little community we have :)

So I am not out looking for sympathy or pity or anything like that - I almost didn't post because I didn't want it to come off like that. I am just not sure what to do or who to talk to at this point, so I thought I'd tap the brain of the FOFC collective. I am sure many people have dealt with this - but it's new to me. We found out yesterday that my wife has had a miscarriage. We have a 3-year-old daughter and have been trying to get pregnant with number 2 for about 2 years now. Hasn't been quite as easy as the first (which we weren't "technically" trying for, heh) but we were trying to keep the faith. Kirsten took a test a few days before Christmas and it came out positive, then took another one and that was positive as well. She was able to set up a blood test for the next day, which confirmed it. The doc wanted her to have a second test a couple days later to make sure her levels were continue to go up. We decided to tell my parents and my siblings (a brother and a sister) at Christmas about the news, but no one else (thank goodness for that, at this point, I suppose). She went in for her second test and the levels had gone up, but not as much as they had hoped, so she had another test scheduled for yesterday. This time, the levels of the hcG hormone (or whatever it is) were nearly non-existent. She hasn't had any bleeding yet, but the doc said she will (or she'll have to go in) but whatever...

Either way...she was a wreck all night. And rightly so. We've been trying so, so hard and finally we get the news we were waiting for - and then this. The thing I am struggling with (beside the obvious): I have no idea how I am suppose to handle this. Obviously, I am sad. I wanted this as much as she did - but as I have heard so many times, a woman becomes a mother the second she finds out she is pregnant. A man becomes a father as soon as he holds his baby. I don't have nearly the connection Kirsten did, even if she was only a few weeks along. What's hurting me more is seeing how much this is crushing her. I don't feel like I am being sympathetic enough or sad enough for the moment. Have any of you guys out there dealt with this? How did you handle it?

Kirsten kept saying this morning that she felt ashamed at how sad she felt, like it wasn't that big of a deal - I told her that she should mourn the loss, that she shouldn't feel ashamed at all. She is usually a very emotional person as it is, so it's not surprising to me that she is taking it hard. Just makes it harder on me to feel useless to help her at the moment I guess...

[Suburban Rhythm]

I think the obvious answer is, if she feels it's necessary, get to counseling. I think saying you need help getting through something now is much different than 20 years ago, it no longer carries the same stigma. Maybe that is where part of her "shame" lies, that she feels weak for being unable to cope on her own.

For you, be supportive without being overbearing. Which can be difficult. If you ask too many times how she's feeling, she'll get angry...same as if you don't ask enough. Leave it out there that you are available.

Finally, enjoy your 3 year old. Yes, you suffered a loss. But you also have a healthy child who (hopefully) brightens every day.

[PackerFanatic]

Finally, enjoy your 3 year old. Yes, you suffered a loss. But you also have a healthy child who (hopefully) brightens every day.

We are definitely doing that. I think I told her an extra dozen times last night that I loved her - she probably thinks daddy is a little crazy, haha.

[Lathum]

Sorry to hear about this. Are you at all religious? Maybe talking to your pastor/ church leader could help. Also remember, everyone grieves in their own way and you shouldn't feel like you aren't grieving enough, you feel how you feel about it.

[JPhillips]

There are a lot of support groups, both real and virtual, for women who have miscarried. I'd suggest you mention that to your wife. She should understand she's not alone in this.

[PackerFanatic]

Sorry to hear about this. Are you at all religious? Maybe talking to your pastor/ church leader could help. Also remember, everyone grieves in their own way and you shouldn't feel like you aren't grieving enough, you feel how you feel about it.

We are - but to a point. We haven't gone to church in literally years, so we don't really have a church to turn to at this point. We both have our faith in our own ways - but I will admit I was thinking heavily about mentioning us starting to go again. She has mentioned it a few times but it hasn't gone very far (she is non-denominational, while I was born and raised and confirmed catholic, so we don't always see eye-to-eye there, heh)

[tyketime]

I agree with other suggestions as far as supporting your wife without being overbearing. Counseling is always a good option. It is a loss, and it would be very normal to grieve (especially for her). Presumably (and I mean that with all sincerity), she didn't do anything to cause this, and so you can help her understand it was not her fault. Some might even say it was nature's way of dealing with a very unfortunate situation. It is also more common than many would assume - I saw a statistic that put it at 15% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. We had a miscarriage after our first son was born, and so I can personally relate to your situation. My wife was very upset and went through the grieving process. We were fortunate enough for her to get pregnant again a few months later. It's fresh and devastating, but with time hopefully you both will have the perspective to move on. And if it is meant to be, she will get pregnant again. Mourn the loss of what could have been. Appreciate what you currently have. Look forward to what might be.

[Icy]

Two things:

Support your wife as much as possible, either when she just wants a shoulder to cry on or a husband to listen to her or a friend to go out for dinner or have a good time with and forget. You need to try to be all that as you know already.

Second, you both need to understand that there are not two persons who express their feelings the same way. Some people needs to cry a lot and need to "stay" sad for a while, some people needs to have a good time or to keep their mind busy to forget about the problems instead of crying. Neither is good or bad, just different.

When we lost our first baby (a week after she was born), after the initial days of crying the whole day, dealing with the bury, paperwork, family, etc, we had different ways of dealing with it. My wife is a very social woman, so she needed to talk about it, get inside her pain, cry out loud, stay a lot with friends and family and to visit a psychologist, that helped her a lot even when we didn't have a lot of faith on it at first.

I'm a more shy man, not that social, who prefers to be alone with his pain than to talk about it, to keep the mind busy and let time to heal it, so i made new plans for my company and personal life, worked harder than ever, went out for running, played video games etc, trying to be positive and looking ahead all the time instead of looking at the past.

Over time we both got over the loss, so both ways worked. The key is to support each other and understand the different ways of dealing with pain, and not to think that if the other person is not dealing with the problem on the same way that you do, she/he has less/more pain, just that the way of dealing with it is different. This is usually the main problem i have observed in similar cases, that can even end destroying a good relationship.

We talked about that, understood each other, i went with her to the psychologist when she asked for it, listened to her when she needed it, and she also left me alone when i needed it and didn't complain about my way of dealing with the loss.

So it was never an issue, in fact it made our relationship stronger than ever and gave us the strength to go for another kid against some odds, and this time it worked well as we have now a healthy 3 years old kid.

[Drake]

The suggestions you've gotten so far are great, so I'll just add that I'll keep you and your wife in my family's prayers. My wife miscarried four times when we were having our kids. The last one was more than 13 years ago now, but she still grieves the loss.

[PilotMan]

I know how you feel PF. I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this.

[Telle]

One of my friends went through a couple of miscarriages (the first was second-term), and she found that support groups, both local and online, really helped her. Maybe you could search some out for your wife, and let her know what's available if she wants to pursue that avenue. She may be grieving too much to do the legwork herself to find them.

[Maple Leafs]

There's no right or wrong way to react to this sort of news. Some people can shrug it off fairly quickly; others have a reaciton that's virtually identical to losing a child (because to them it is the same thing). Make sure she knows that her feelings are the right ones for her, and that you'll support her however you can. She shouldn't feel embarassed about how she's reacting.

Also, understand and expect that there will be moments in the future that bring back what she's feeling now. People have a habit of saying some pretty devastating things -- sometimes accidentally, and sometimes even when they think they're being helpful ("Oh well, at least you can just try for another" comes to mind). Being around newborns may also be tough for her. Unfortunately, this may be worse if you decide to keep trying and don't have success right away.

Finally, don't just assume that it's going to be worse for her than you because she's the mother. Don't sell yourself short. You get to feel however you feel too.

[PackerFanatic]

I know how you feel PF. I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this.

PM - I just wanted to say here that I really appreciate the message you sent me on Facebook. Thanks for that.