Can someone fix this sentence.....?

[Landshark44]

"I am the assistant head coach for the Holy Spirit boys, high school soccer team....."

I am writing a letter of recommendation, and am unsure of which words need to be capitalized. Thanks.....

[CraigSca]

Shouldn't it be "I am the assistant head coach for the Holy Spirit high school boys soccer team..."

I don't think a comma or extra capitalization is needed.

[Landshark44]

At first I capitalized everything, including "Assistant Head Coach".....

that didn't look right.....

i think i need somebody to write it for me, this is what I have....


To:


Subject: Recommendation, xxxxx


Hi, my name is Scott. I am the assistant head coach for the Holy Spirit boys, high school soccer team. I work for the Recreation/Education Department in Brigantine, NJ, and in that capacity oversee the REC Soccer League.


I have had the opportunity to know Matt, for several years now. I have coached him in soccer and baseball, and find him to be dedicated, hard working, and committed to the team concept. He has always been great to have on the team, often spending time teaching the younger players things he has learned.


He is generous with his time, and has helped me by being a referee for my Pee-Wee games. He has also umpired Minor League baseball games, and has been an assistant coach, as well.


I think he would excel at your school, and am hoping that you consider him.

thanks, guys....

[JPhillips]

For what position are you recommending?

[Ronnie Dobbs2]

My name is Scott [Last Name]. I am the assistant head coach for the Holy Spirit High School boys soccer team. I work for the Recreation/Education Department in Brigantine, NJ and in that capacity oversee the REC Soccer League.


I have had the opportunity to know Matt for several years now. I have coached him in soccer and baseball and find him to be dedicated, hard working, and committed to the team concept. He has always been great to have on the team, often spending time teaching the younger players things he has learned.


He is generous with his time and has helped me by being a referee for my Pee-Wee games. He has also umpired Minor League baseball games and has been an assistant coach as well.


I think he would excel at your school and am hoping that you consider him.

[Mustang]

Been some time since I've written any letters like this, but seems more like a letter of recommendation for someone to be involved in youth sports/rec league rather than a school recommendation.

[Ronnie Dobbs2]

Yeah overall I would make it more beefy and include more details if possible. I just took out some comma issues.

[Landshark44]

It's a recommendation for a kid trying to get into St. Augustine Prep High School....Thanks for fixing the comma issues....

What else should I include?

[Ronnie Dobbs2]

I would try to come up with specific instances where he did something you could mention. It just sounds a little cookie-cutter and bland at this point - but I'm no veteran at writing recommendations either.

[King of New York]

"I am the assistant head coach for the Holy Spirit boys, high school soccer team....."

All you need to do is remove the comma after "boys."

You would capitalize assistant head coach only if you used it in conjunction with a personal name. "Assistant Head Coach Landshark" and "I am assistant head coach" are both correct; "assistant head coach Landshark" and "I am Assistant Head Coach" are both incorrect. It's sort of a silly rule, but that's what the Chicago style manual said last time I checked.

[JPhillips]

I agree it needs more meat. Can you provide a specific example of his hard work and/or dedication? Can you find something specific that clearly makes him extraordinary as a student or individual? Do you know the kind of students this school is looking for and can you frame the rec to highlight those qualities?

If I got this rec as an employer I'd be very suspect because it looks like very little was put into it. You seem like you genuinely want to help this student, so the rec needs to appear as if you put effort into it that you wouldn't do for just anyone.

[Landshark44]

My name is Scott xxxx. I am the assistant head coach for the Holy Spirit High School boys soccer team. I work for the Recreation/Education Department in Brigantine, NJ and in that capacity oversee the REC Soccer League. My office is in the Brigantine Middle School, where I am in contact with the students every day.

I have had the opportunity to know Matt for several years now. I have coached him in soccer and baseball and find him to be dedicated, hard working, and committed to the team concept. He has always been great to have on the team. He is a quick learner, and someone I can count on to pass things along to younger players in a way that they can easily understand. He takes pride in his accomplishments, and tries his best at everything he does.

He is also generous with his time. When I need an umpire for a minor league baseball game, or a referee for a peewee soccer game, Matt is the first one to volunteer. In the fall, Matt was an assistant coach in the Junior League, and helped out every day with the 9-11 year olds. He has a very good way with the younger children and is well-liked by all of them.

I think he would excel at your school. He is the kind of boy that is excited by the type of challenge your school can offer, and I am sure he is up to it. I am hoping very much that you consider him.

Is that any better?

[JPhillips]

That's better. I'd still advise that you put in a specific example. Is there a particular moment of his work with younger athletes that stands out for you? Was there a time when his maturity exceeded your expectations?

Was the refereeing paid? If it wasn't, I'd highlight that fact.

[Mustang]

That's better. I'd still advise that you put in a specific example.

There was this one time, at soccer camp....


(oh, and better on the second version)

[Ronnie Dobbs2]

Clearing up extraneous commas:

My name is Scott xxxx. I am the assistant head coach for the Holy Spirit High School boys soccer team. I work for the Recreation/Education Department in Brigantine, NJ and in that capacity oversee the REC Soccer League. My office is in the Brigantine Middle School, where I am in contact with the students every day.

I have had the opportunity to know Matt for several years now. I have coached him in soccer and baseball and find him to be dedicated, hard working, and committed to the team concept. He has always been great to have on the team. He is a quick learner and someone I can count on to pass things along to younger players in a way that they can easily understand. He takes pride in his accomplishments and tries his best at everything he does.

He is also generous with his time. When I need an umpire for a minor league baseball game or a referee for a peewee soccer game, Matt is the first one to volunteer. In the fall, Matt was an assistant coach in the Junior League and helped out every day with the 9-11 year olds. He has a very good way with the younger children and is well-liked by all of them.

I think he would excel at your school. He is the kind of boy that is excited by the type of challenge your school can offer, and I am sure he is up to it. I am hoping very much that you consider him.

Much better, but like JPhillips said if you could include one VERY SPECIFIC instance of him doing something it would really round it out.

[Izulde]

That's better. I'd still advise that you put in a specific example. Is there a particular moment of his work with younger athletes that stands out for you? Was there a time when his maturity exceeded your expectations?

Was the refereeing paid? If it wasn't, I'd highlight that fact.

All of this. Also, maybe a specific example of something he learned quickly, since you mentioned he's a quick learner.

[JediKooter]

You should get a yellow card for all the extra commas you were using in your original version. ;)

[Landshark44]

Thanks, guys...

I love me some commas....