Life sucked thread - Now back on track

[BYU 14]

After being together nearly 9 years my wife informaed me last night that she felt we should go our seperate ways........

We have gone through some strain dating back to her DUI issue in 2008 and there has been side issues related to that which have effected our communication and caused us to argue about things we would have never argued about. We had an amazing relationship for over 6 years and even with our recent struggles things were not terrible.

She has been asking for us to get counseling and saying she felt like we needed some outside assistance. Like a "man" I continued to put it off, wondering why we couldn't work through things ourself and not prioritizing family like I should have, because I had no doubt that we would be spending our lives together. A very typical dynamic where the man is not really in tune the way he should be until he realizes it is too late.

There was no infidelity, verbal abuse, money issues or any of the other things you normally worry about tearing a relationship apart. There were just issues that she really wanted to address and I didn't act on it and now as she put it she is "numb" and can't see us recapturing the happiness we once had because of it. I thing I always liked about her is the fact that she didn't waste a minute of her life and was always looking for complete fullfillment, which you think would have clued me in more. i think what allowed me to overlook it is we still always enjoyed ourselves with each other when we were out, which obviously doesn't mean there aren't things that need fixing......Lesson learned.

I am obviously devastated, but at the same time I wish as she was getting close to this point she would of maybe been a little more to the point and instead of saying "I think we should go to counseling" maybe said "We need to get counseling or I can't stay in this marriage". That definitely would have gotten my attention, but that is still no excuse for procrastination on my part.

Like I said there is no acrimony and we both cried last night....a lot, but she doesn't feel it can be saved. I expressed my desire to do what is needed and poured my feelings out to her, but I am not going to hound her going forward. She knows I want a chance to save it and I asked her to think about it (which I know she already has a lot) and that's all I can do. Pushing harder only drives the wedge deeper and things now have to fall where they may.......It just sucks to hurt though and right now I hurt alot!!!

One thing seems to be a general rule is how well Women seem to prepare for this type of thing, where the guy is often blindsided because he is not tuned in the way he should be. I know that is not always the case but I have seen a few buddies go through this over the last couple of years and it seems to happen more often than not. The ironic thing is we would always talk about how we did not want to end up like some of them and now we are...........:banghead:

Needed to vent and right now it is easier to do it this way than by talking to someone.....

[markprior22]

So, so sorry to hear this. Don't give up....maybe things will turn around for you guys.

I will say this...I got a divorce about 6 yrs ago after 21 yrs of marriage. I too was devastated and thought that was basically it for my life. After 5+ years of self evaluation and healing, I became much happier than I had been in years. I never thought I would date again but did end up meeting someone and we will probably get married before too long.

Bottom line...no matter how this works out...you will heal and things will be ok. Don't rush the process...if the divorce happens, you will both need time to heal. Take all the time you need and you can definitely have a full, happy life. Good luck to both of you.

[Passacaglia]

Sorry to hear, BYU. I hope the venting helped and that everything works out for the best!

[JonInMiddleGA]

Take things at a time for a while, that's about the best advice I can offer I think. Well, that and "don't heap an unreasonable amount of blame on yourself". Takes two to tango & you both played a role in getting to where things are.

Sorry you're going through this.

[Swaggs]

Sorry this is happening.

It sounds like you really enjoy being together and have (or long had) a great friendship, which is often rare. I'd give her some time and space, but make it clear that you are willing to take the steps necessary to make it work (if you are).

In any case, keep your head on straight. Things have a way of working themselves out for the better if you let them.

[DaddyTorgo]

Sorry to hear this BYU - at least there were no underlying issues like you mentioned, as far as infidelity or $$ or abuse or things like that. If she won't give you a chance to work on things (and I can see how that could be frustrating that she wasn't more direct), at least the dissolution doesn't sound like it will be...acrimonious.

[Suburban Rhythm]

Never know what to say in these threads, other than I feel for you, and take care of yourself, physically and emotionally.

[tyketime]

I'm very sorry to hear this. One thing I might suggest - regardless of whether it might save your marriage - would you consider counseling for yourself? This is a huge life event, and as a man, I certainly understand the need to solve the problem on our own. But the truth is... we could ALL use help and support throughout our life.

My thought would be counseling could be very beneficial to you. And who knows... maybe your wife will see you are serious about making changes and gains a different perspective on whether your marriage is worth another look.

Either way - PLEASE take care of yourself...

[MacroGuru]

My text I sent should sum it all up for you.

You were there for me via text, phone and message board while I was going through my bullshit, I am here the same way for you.

Hang in there...

[JediKooter]

Damn. That totally sucks beyond sucks. Just take it one thing at a time and vent here all you want. I'm really sorry to hear this.

[CleBrownsfan]

Hang in there man... we're always here for you to vent.

[BYU 14]

Good advice all and thank you for the words of encouragment as well.

You really hit it on the head Mark. This is my second time and the first time we both knew it needed to end. I felt like I had no interest in a relationship after that and then I met my current wife and it was amazing, which makes this even more devastating. I think a lot of men need to realize seeking help, whether that be counseling, talking with our pastor, a book or whatever, doesn't mean your weak, yet we we still don't do it.

And I will definitely get that book, thanks Dennis. Time is always the toughest part with these things, but I know I just have to try and stay positive :)

Anthony

[JediKooter]

All I can say is, don't give up yet man. Not to get preachy, but, if there was no infidelity, abuse, etc...she made a commitment to you for life. Just because things aren't going the way she expects them, that doesn't mean it's time to up and leave. That's part of being married, you don't get to stick around just because everything is great, you also stick around when things suck and you work through the sucky times. You don't get to cherry pick.

Someone told me a long time ago that a marriage is never something that you complete, it is always a work in progress.

Sorry to go off like that, but, things like that frustrate me.

[Chief Rum]

Keep strong, BYU.

I posted something on FB I few weeks ago that I have been trying to make something of a mantra for my own personal life. I wrote:

"It is in our nature to seek out others, to connect, to find our raison d'etre in those who know and love us. So it's easy to forget that true personal strength and self-respect can only come from within. We all eventually must face the darkness of our unknown futures alone. It is how we rise to that challenge that defines who we are and who we will become.

You cannot support others if you cannot stand on your own."

Similarly, a friend of mine posted a quote this morning on FB that is also apropos, IMO:

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." --Eleanor Roosevelt

Point is, Anthony, you're as strong as you need to be, and you don't need one other damn person to know it, not even your wife. All you need is the confidence to realize it.

I hope things work out for you. Be strong.

[Antmeister]

Wow....with the more investment that was placed in the relationship by both parties, I am sure this is hurtful for both of you. Your post shows a lot of self-reflection which is very difficult to do at the beginning on any potential breakup (let alone discussing it). With a bit a space and hopefully some discussion with the children, there may be a chance for patching this up again, but regardless, I hope the best for you.

[Telle]

So sorry to hear this.. my heart goes out to you.

[BYU 14]

I like that first quote Chief, so true and yes strength will be the key.

One thing I have found some solace in this early is our Dogs. You know, we as people could learn a lot from them. With Dogs if you take care of a few basic needs, give them attention and don't abuse them they give you unconditional love and loyalty that never waivers. If people could make life that simple we would be set.

Maybe I will write a book titled "Love me Doggystyle" :)

[rowech]

All I can say is, don't give up yet man. Not to get preachy, but, if there was no infidelity, abuse, etc...she made a commitment to you for life. Just because things aren't going the way she expects them, that doesn't mean it's time to up and leave. That's part of being married, you don't get to stick around just because everything is great, you also stick around when things suck and you work through the sucky times. You don't get to cherry pick.

Someone told me a long time ago that a marriage is never something that you complete, it is always a work in progress.

Sorry to go off like that, but, things like that frustrate me.

I agre with this. I also think once you have to tell family members things will be different as well. Depending on her family's view and your family's view, you will find a lot of support you never knew you had and guilt might kick in with her and she could realize she's making a mistake.

[BYU 14]

Someone told me a long time ago that a marriage is never something that you complete, it is always a work in progress.

Truer words have never been spoken my friend, I will be slipping that into our next conversation on the subject too.

Sorry to go off like that, but, things like that frustrate me.

This is my frustration as well, though I also know hers in that I should have addressed her concerns much sooner.

[BYU 14]

And again I want to say thanks for the positive words and support. I have only met a few of you face to face, but the fact that so many on here, whether I know you well or not, are so thoughtful means a lot!

And right now the only family that know are her closest sister and a good friend of mine who lives with her sister........Yes we introduced them :)

[JediKooter]

Truer words have never been spoken my friend, I will be slipping that into our next conversation on the subject too.

This is my frustration as well, though I also know hers in that I should have addressed her concerns much sooner.

Sooner is always better, but, never is worse than later. I mean, yea, you could have been more proactive, but, you can't go back in time to change that. However, you can do something now, now that you know the severity of the problem. Which to me, is better than doing nothing at all.

Yes, feel free to use those quotes for sure. Didn't work in my case, but, she had already found my replacement, so nothing I would have said would have worked anyway. :D

[CrimsonFox]

There was no infidelity, verbal abuse, money issues or any of the other things you normally worry about tearing a relationship apart. There were just issues that she really wanted to address and I didn't act on it and now as she put it she is "numb" and can't see us recapturing the happiness we once had because of it. I thing I always liked about her is the fact that she didn't waste a minute of her life and was always looking for complete fullfillment, which you think would have clued me in more. i think what allowed me to overlook it is we still always enjoyed ourselves with each other when we were out, which obviously doesn't mean there aren't things that need fixing......Lesson learned.

I am obviously devastated, but at the same time I wish as she was getting close to this point she would of maybe been a little more to the point and instead of saying "I think we should go to counseling" maybe said "We need to get counseling or I can't stay in this marriage". That definitely would have gotten my attention, but that is still no excuse for procrastination on my part.

Like I said there is no acrimony and we both cried last night....a lot, but she doesn't feel it can be saved. I expressed my desire to do what is needed and poured my feelings out to her, but I am not going to hound her going forward. She knows I want a chance to save it and I asked her to think about it (which I know she already has a lot) and that's all I can do. Pushing harder only drives the wedge deeper and things now have to fall where they may.......It just sucks to hurt though and right now I hurt alot!!!
.

SO SORRY! But maybe there IS still a chance. Yeah obviously forcing any issue is bad. But asking her if she would consider at least one visit to a counselor might at least bear some fruit. There is obviously love still there but just that neither side knows if the other actually loves them.

[FrogMan]

this really suck man. :( Lots of good advice in this thread and not much I can add too, other than saying I'll be keeping you in my thoughts, hoping for the best resolve possible. Hang in there...

FM

[BYU 14]

Sooner is always better, but, never is worse than later.

Fucking Jedikooter is a quote machine today, LOL.

[sterlingice]

Maybe I will write a book titled "Love me Doggystyle" :)

This reminds me of Otto walking out of Stoner's Pot Palace in The Simpsons, muttering something about false advertising ;)

(EDIT: I do feel a smidge bit guilty this is the best I can come up with in a thread with a lot of sage advice and heartfelt emotion)

SI

[BYU 14]

Comic relief is good SI :)

[cougarfreak]

BYU, if you think it's worth saving, go down fighting. I'd push and push for counseling, etc. until she told me to get away. You might not ever have another chance.

[Chief Rum]

I like that first quote Chief, so true and yes strength will be the key.

Glad you like that one. That's the one I wrote. :D

You can always shoot me a PM if you want to talk or hit me up on Facebook at Matt Kieta. Good luck.

[JediKooter]

Fucking Jedikooter is a quote machine today, LOL.

Haha! Not intentional, just sometimes easier to sum things up that way.

You should totally write that book. :)

[Arles]

Yeah, when I got divorced it was tough (and a lot like yours - no real one thing, just drifting apart). But, I took a year off relationships and tried to learn what I could from it. I decided to focus on more of a life balance (not just working) and am so much happier now. Now, I feel like I can really be part of a relationship with someone and not just co-exist.

Things will work out for the better independent of the outcome of this marriage. You have already learned a few things that will serve you well moving ahead. In life, it's hard to really learn things to change our daily habits unless dramatic events happen. But, once they do, we get an opportunity to become closer and closer to the person we want to be.

[Solecismic]

The numbness comment is familiar, and unfortunately a sign that now is not the right time for counseling. Though if she's willing to work with a psychologist honestly, that certainly should be encouraged.

Sorry you're going through this. I wish it weren't such a common experience these days.

[Dutch]

Agree with everybody, basically. Sorry to hear ya'll are having to go through this, I hope everything works out best for both of you no matter what happens.

[BYU 14]

You make a very good point Jim as even a bad emotion like anger or resentment is better than no feelings because emotion means there is still passion.

If she is not interested I will do the counseling myself, if not for her, then to at least for some self reflection.

[terpkristin]

Sorry to hear that, BYU. :(

Hang in there. We're always here for ya, no matter what happens.

/tk

[Schmidty]

I really, really don't know what to say, other than we'll be praying for you. :(

[Noop]

:(

You were always the voice of reason for me when I went and spazzed on people on this board. I always appreciated that about you and if there is anything I can do let me know.

[CU Tiger]

sorry to hear you are suffering like this man.
I can only offer this, "if you truly want to save what you have lay down your pride, your ego and your thoughts of what are acceptable....bare your soul and give it your best..if that is not enough, hold your head high knowing you did all you could. While it would have been better to realize where she was ages ago, the truth remains that SHE didnt give you that chance....if she isnt willing to be honest with you and work through this WITH you it is better this way

[Karlifornia]

I've been through a few heartbreaks, but nothing like a divorce. I can't imagine the pain you're feeling right now. I can only offer you the meager advice that piggybacks on the wisdom of those that posted before me.

It seems a staggeringly high percentage of relationship failures are a result of communication failures. The best you can do at this (and any) point is to honestly communicate your feelings and your hopes. If she is unresponsive, then you have to adjust your expectations, as much as it may hurt.

Not in these exact words, but saying something along the lines of, "Hey, listen. I love you, and I've got your best interests in mind no matter what you decide. Just remember that we're on the same team," could make her realize that you two weren't, and aren't, enemies.

Sometimes it's hard to love someone that isn't capable of loving you back. Sometimes it's very hard to love someone that's not completely stable. You have to give them as much love as you want to give them, and let them decide what they do with it. If they decide they don't want it, all you can do is shake hands and say goodbye.

Chin up, bud. You seem like an awesome dude, and a lot of women would kill to have a guy like you.

[PilotMan]

I am sorry to hear this BYU. I was thinking about this situation a few days ago and wondering how things were working out.

Hang in there and do what you can do for YOU. I am sure that there will be a lot of thoughts about keeping the relationship going, make sure that you look out for yourself, and try to keep from feeding a negative emotional loop.

Things will work out and reveal themselves in time. Hang in there brother, and know we are all behind you.

[dawgfan]

I've watched a few of my friends go through divorce, and my advice comes from my observations of those situations. Obviously every situation is unique, but there are commonalities that can be used as learning tools:

- She says she's numb and that it's too late, but I'd bet there's still hope for your relationship. As others have said, push hard for the couples counseling you rejected in the past - she may not be ready to face that at the moment, but given a little bit of time and more reflection, she may change her mind

- Even if she decides not to do couples counseling with you, I'd encourage you to seek individual counseling if it's not too much of a financial burden; the ability to spill your guts to a professional can be tremendously rewarding - I know that as guys, it's hard to admit we need help, and we try to get our "counseling" through our buddies, but sometimes you need to talk with a pro

- Regardless of what happens with your marriage, you have to be happy with yourself and strive to be the person you wish to be; in doing so, you may draw your wife back to you, or you might not, but being happy and content with yourself is the best state to be to attract a mate

Hang in there, and take care of yourself.

[BYU 14]

I held high hopes for a positive update, but never thought it would come this soon.

We talked and went through a lot last night and this morning and we are both willing to work to restore things to how they should be. This relationship has had so many magical times and there are so many more that we have ahead of us if we get back to why we fell in love in the first place.

I have realized going through this that I become disenttached by allowing the little everyday pains/stresses of life to replace the little everyday pleasures that should be a priority. It has been a brutal wake up call, but one I am glad I received and I just wish it hadn't taken this to deliver it.

About an hour ago my wife told me that this is already one of the best weekends for her in quite a while......That was great to hear, yet very sad to hear at the same time. This has been a relationship where in the past we could have said that about nearly every day, it baffles me how and why we would let that feeling go.

Obviously there is a lot of work to do, but the good news is we are both willing and able to put that work in and I truly believe that because of that this story will have a happy ending. I purchased a highly recommended book yesterday (Thanks Macro) and we are going to ease into that and discuss counseling as well as we go. No rush to force things, just do what we feel we need to do to restore this marriage to it's full health and what we hope will be a long, bright future.

Pizza just got here and we are going back to bed to eat and watch a movie :) (simple pleasures) but I wanted to update this because everyone on here that has responded has been amazing in their support and advice and I want to give a heartfelt thanks for that. There some amazing people on this board and the support means more to me than I can express in written words....Thank you!!!

I will add updates as we go, there is still a lot of work to do, but we have the tools and are both willing and that's all you can ask for,

[Izulde]

Excellent news. I'll admit, I was stunned at the OP.

[DaddyTorgo]

Great news BYU. Make sure you keep the lines of communication wide-open moving forward with each other as you start to work on things.

You might want to change the thread title too...

[Eaglesfan27]

Sorry to hear this BYU. Having gone through a divorce in the last year, I know this is a tough time. I hope things work out the best for you.

Edit: Missed the last update! Good luck going forward. Marriage counseling can be an awesome help for a relationship.

[kingfc22]

Great news BYU. Good luck going forward.

[Noop]

I am optimistic about the latest update.

:)

Great news.

[BYU 14]

You might want to change the thread title too...

Good point :)

[Lathum]

Great news, hope this makes your relationship stronger and you look back on this in 30 years as a bump in the road

[Warhammer]

Its always great news when you see a thread that was bad news, but by the time you read it has already seen a glimmer of light.

[Matthean]

Great news, hope this makes your relationship stronger and you look back on this in 30 years as a bump in the road

I remember a number of times growing up when my parents fought some rather heated verbal arguments. They have been married 45 years now.

[Young Drachma]

I'm glad things are looking up for you!

[JPhillips]

Great to hear.

[Chief Rum]

That's just wonderful, BYU. Good luck going forward.

[BYU 14]

Thanks again guys and I have to agree with what she said earlier, this has been one awesome weekend so far.

Lathum, we actually were talking about what you said, looking back and remembering how much this strengthened our bond.....And also working daily to make sure it never weakens again.

[Comey]

I've been in your shoes...exact same fit, actually. I suffered (still do, sadly, though I'm marginally better at handling it) from depression for years...and it cost me my marriage. I was in your shoes in October 2004, as my ex temporarily moved out. She wanted to get counseling, which I wouldn't do until 2008...three years after we divorced, and my depression was threatening another relationship.

We gave it six more months, but really, I believed it was going to end, and as a result, probably willed it to happen. That you have had this kind of rebound is great...but don't let up.

I wish you all the best. I wish you to be able to take the path I denied myself.

[Flasch186]

I stayed out of the thread but was reading because there was nothing I could say that wouldve been any better than some of the sage words already posted. However based on the recent turn Ill say: Good stuff.

Ashton Kutcher was doing an interview with Demi the other night and he said the thing about a marriage is that you have to work on it when things are good, not just when theyre bad... So you guys are well on your way.

[britrock88]

Great to hear the latest update. As you mend thing, be sure to seek counseling. It will help you both better understand how you got to where you were a few days ago, and teach/remind you how to restore a thriving relationship.

[cougarfreak]

Congrats!

[terpkristin]

Glad to hear it, BYU. Baby steps.

/tk

[Marc Vaughan]

Really happy to hear things are looking up - take things slow AND expect some bumps along the way.

Marriage is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life and it took a while for me to get my head around that its never 'done' - you never hit a stage where thats it you can relax and just be, you always need to be working at it ...

[M GO BLUE!!!]

Glad it's all working out & you're enjoying each other again...

...and glad I didn't chime in with any of my lovely advice, as I'm just one big ball of relationship positivity & all!

[JeeberD]

I'm so happy to see your update. Keep at it, brother, I know y'all will do great.

[CU Tiger]

Great news...!

[Dodgerchick]

Ah, great news! Good luck.

[Arles]

congrats!

[Joker]

how about a update?

[BYU 14]

Things are still going great, we have returned to a place in time that feels like it did early on in our relationship. Perfect? No. Perfect for us? Yes, and that's all either of us really ever wanted.


The key will continue to be never allowing life to isolate us from each other again, no matter how stressful things get and when one of us has a bad day, instead of taking life out on the other, using the other to put it behind us, and enjoy each other.

Really just simple things that are obvious but seem to get pushed to the back burner too much if you don't work on them.

So in a nutshell.....Life is good :D

[spleen1015]

This went down when I wasn't coming to board. I'm glad to see that things have worked out for you!

[MacroGuru]

Things are still going great, we have returned to a place in time that feels like it did early on in our relationship. Perfect? No. Perfect for us? Yes, and that's all either of us really ever wanted.


The key will continue to be never allowing life to isolate us from each other again, no matter how stressful things get and when one of us has a bad day, instead of taking life out on the other, using the other to put it behind us, and enjoy each other.

Really just simple things that are obvious but seem to get pushed to the back burner too much if you don't work on them.

So in a nutshell.....Life is good :D

Awesome to hear! I am happy for you guys!

[JediKooter]

Great update.