Getting Over Someone Question...

[Chief Rum]

This is not for me, so don't say it, lol.

I have a young friend, 20, who is having a really hard time getting over someone, her first love. She says she feels as strongly about him now as she did when they broke up last fall. I have thrown the usual things, "Time will heal", "have patience", etc. But I can tell she's at her wit's end and frustrated.

I thought I would turn to you guys (and girls, definitely would like female opinions here) for ideas and tricks you all have used to get over someone.

Thanks for any help you can give. I'm no Lothario, so I'm not someone with a whole ton of experience here with this sort of thing.

[molson]

I think generally, you need more than time. More important than time, is doing stuff. The more varied the stuff the better - new friends, new emotional experiences, baseball games, movies, books, new hobbies, wild drunken orgies, whatever. I've thought of it like this - you need X number of "doing stuff points" to get past anything, and every new thing you do brings you "X" number of points (ranging from little moments of happiness, to say, a new relationship). Just one way I've visualized it that has been helpful. It gives you options. If you're not ready for a relationship for example, at least aggressively pursue something else and at least trick yourself into believing that you're "moving on" with life in some other way - eventually, that trick becomes reality.

[Lathum]

Gratuitous "why would you ask a bunch of text sim geeks about this" post

[Lathum]

dola-

In all seriousness it sounds like she is way to young to have it take this long for her to start feeling better. I wonder if there are underlying depression issues. Has she tried any therapy or counciling?

20 is way to young to feel like the love of your life has slipped away.

[Chief Rum]

Gratuitous "why would you ask a bunch of text sim geeks about this" post

Some of y'all might be spies from the jock camp.

[Chief Rum]

dola-

In all seriousness it sounds like she is way to young to have it take this long for her to start feeling better. I wonder if there are underlying depression issues. Has she tried any therapy or counciling?

20 is way to young to feel like the love of your life has slipped away.

Agreed. And there are issues there, in the past. It's something I want to talk more to her about, the idea of counseling, that is. I'm not sure yet how well she'll take the suggestion, though.

[Chief Rum]

I think generally, you need more than time. More important than time, is doing stuff. The more varied the stuff the better - new friends, new emotional experiences, baseball games, movies, books, new hobbies, wild drunken orgies, whatever. I've thought of it like this - you need X number of "doing stuff points" to get past anything, and every new thing you do brings you "X" number of points (ranging from little moments of happiness, to say, a new relationship). Just one way I've visualized it that has been helpful. It gives you options. If you're not ready for a relationship for example, at least aggressively pursue something else and at least trick yourself into believing that you're "moving on" with life in some other way - eventually, that trick becomes reality.

I like this approach. It helps not just with things like this, but other thigns, too. Gets your mind out of the way. I think she's on a hard road, though, I don't know if it will be enough. But it's a good suggestion.

[Scoobz0202]

dola-

In all seriousness it sounds like she is way to young to have it take this long for her to start feeling better. I wonder if there are underlying depression issues. Has she tried any therapy or counciling?

20 is way to young to feel like the love of your life has slipped away.

He mentioned it was her first love. I will agree that it seems like there are issues that are hidden due to the time it has been and she is still feeling the same, but the whole first love and the age can actually probably make it worse, imo.

I am not much older then his friend, but I know I am much better equipped to handle the same situation then I was when it actually happened to me, due to the experience. The whole first love and youth can wreck havoc.

[dawgfan]

I had my first serious relationship when I was 19, and when she split up with me a year later, it was really hard to get over. I still partied and pursued other girls, but in the back of my mind I still wanted to get back together with the first love (and we did hook-up off and on for several years).

My read is that it's a combination of things - the age and first love part is a big factor IMO. If I had to guess, she probably didn't do a whole lot of dating prior, and just can't imagine how she'll find someone she loves as much as this guy.

Two, as others have mentioned, she may have clinical depression issues that are complicating her ability to get over him, and it's well worth pursuing some counseling to determine that. If she has any suicidal feelings, she absolutely needs to get on medication to prevent her from doing something stupid.

Three, as any of us that have gone through this know (and who hasn't gone through this?), you need to keep going out, having fun, seeing friends, losing yourself in the things you enjoy (so long as those things are not self-destructive).

Do you have any details as to why they split?

[RainMaker]

First love is tough because you don't think you'll ever find someone else that you'll care about that much. But you will and the best advice for her is to get back out there and meet new people. Maybe sign up on an internet dating site or just head out with her friends to some bars. She doesn't have to find Mr. Right, just have fun interacting with other people. Gain confidence that other guys are interested and that she has more in life than that guy. It's mainly about realizing that life is bigger than that one person you dated. That you have so much more going on.

I'd say that if she is struggling a lot, she may want to sit down with a professional. Sometimes it can be good to talk about this stuff with someone you don't know. And often times they are more equipped to handle these things. There is no shame is seeking professional help. And that goes for seeing a regular doctor as well. She may be suffering from depression and the break-up is just an excuse for feeling that way.

[Mustang]

Is she hot?



(you guys are slipping)

[Noop]

You don't get over someone. You just try to find a way to maintain a functional life without this person. Either that or she needs a guy to PIITB.

[M GO BLUE!!!]

Is she hot?



(you guys are slipping)

Naa... We ain't slippin'. We're just getting old & don't give a damn about that sort of thing anymore. Besides, we got kids that age.


Only say three words to her. "You look pretty." Nothing more.

[JonInMiddleGA]

I'd almost be more concerned if she wasn't having a tough time getting past a "first love". Shit damned near killed me (rather literally).

One of the things that's missing from the info is what sort of timeline we're talking about here. Big difference, IMO, in mourning (for lack of a better word) for 60 days versus 60 weeks. I'm guessing it's a significant length or you wouldn't be concerned enough to seek input but, as you said, this isn't quite in your wheelhouse so I don't know what you'd consider "normal" vs "unusual".

Another missing detail is what level of difficulty coping we're talking about. Again, big difference in being (for example) reluctant to get back into the social scene versus so depressed that you're missing work/school/etc.

I'll echo the others about watching for the super-serious like signs of dangerous depression. That first love shit may not be an actual cause but I can testify without hesitation that it can be a trigger for some really bad times, dangerously bad. Ditto echoing the usual tricks, distraction/immersion is your friend in most cases.

Beyond that though, there's a certain degree of in-your-own-time about it I think. I'd say the end of a first love is pretty comparable to dealing with death, and as you know that's something that we all have to learn to handle & everyone's journey is at least a little different.

[JonInMiddleGA]

Naa... We ain't slippin'. We're just getting old & don't give a damn about that sort of thing anymore. Besides, we got kids that age.

I dunno, a little "px plz, thx" wouldn't be wholly inappropriate. In the interest of research I mean.

:D

[M GO BLUE!!!]

I dunno, a little "px plz, thx" wouldn't be wholly inappropriate. In the interest of research I mean.

:D

I'm still trying to relocate that pic of Noop's "girlfriend."

(Sorry Noopy, you asked for it, brother! LOL)

[Suburban Rhythm]

This is not for me, so don't say it, lol.


I saw the title and poster and immediately assumed Teemu had announced his retirement.
:)

[BYU 14]

I'm still trying to relocate that pic of Noop's "girlfriend."

(Sorry Noopy, you asked for it, brother! LOL)

PM me ;)

[Noop]

I'm still trying to relocate that pic of Noop's "girlfriend."

(Sorry Noopy, you asked for it, brother! LOL)

Before I stop posting on this board I will explain that situation to everyone. So it was you who posted it the first time? I had forgot who did it and always wondered. So is it you?

[BYU 14]

Now since my poke at Noop post is done :)

Lots of great advice and as one almost recently scarred by this I would tag on Molsons post. Yes it will take time and she should look to find activities/outlets that allow her to be "distracted," especially early in the process when this type of thing can consume your every moment. Equally important IMO is that she does not blame herself or think there is something inadequate about her if she feels in her heart she put her best into the relationship.

Youth is a great time, but also a time of indecision and short attention spans :) The days of high school sweethearts staying together for 50 years are getting fewer and farther between. The modern world has created a much bigger social ocean and young people are bound to want to explore. Hopefully she will realize there is something better that is meant for her out there and try to keep that in the forefront.....Time will help her and she has lots of it ahead of her.

Counseling always a plus if open to it and things are not getting better. One last thing along this vein I would suggest is that she organize her grieving. Plan 30 minutes a day to do her crying/venting. If she can stick to this it gives her a set routine to address this and focus on the good things in life the reset of the time. This approach by theory gives you time to "look forward" to addressing your angst and will prevent it from creeping into your mind throughout the day as time goes on. This technique worked very well for me when I lost my Grandmother and 6 1/2 years after she left us I still set 30 minutes aside just for her every couple of months and I now enjoy that time.

Wishing your friend the best Chief!

[M GO BLUE!!!]

Before I stop posting on this board I will explain that situation to everyone. So it was you who posted it the first time? I had forgot who did it and always wondered. So is it you?

Yep. I'm the dick. :lol:

[Noop]

Yep. I'm the dick. :lol:

Laugh now.

[ISiddiqui]

One of the things that's missing from the info is what sort of timeline we're talking about here. Big difference, IMO, in mourning (for lack of a better word) for 60 days versus 60 weeks.

The OP did say they broke up "Last fall". Though not sure if early or late fall (so likely any amount of time from 5 months to 8, I guess).

[JonInMiddleGA]

The OP did say they broke up "Last fall".

Well damn. My eyes are getting worse & worse I guess. I even looked back at the OP at least twice to see if I was missing it ... and still missed it. Thx.

[Chief Rum]

Thanks everyone for all your thoughts. I think I'm going to address some questions or comments post by post at some point, but now's not the time at my job. Got a meeting coming up and a big file today. Just rest assured i am reading, and I think a lot of this feedback will help me friend. Thanks again!

Off the top of my head, answrs to some questions I think were asked:

1. They were going out for about a year and a half.
2. They have had 2-3 break ups, little fuzzy on that. He did the breaking all three times (if it was 3, one might have been a "fake" for all their friends, and I can't remember what she told me about that one, how real it was). The first (and likely "fake") breakup was in September, then November (first for sure real one), then either December or early January.
3. Key issue between them right now is he is going to school in Sacramento, and she's down here in LA. He doesn't want to do tthe distance thing.

She says he's said he doesn't want to be tied down right now, suggestion being maybe he's out there playing the field. He's telling her he feels the same as she does, very deep feelings for her. As a former horny 20 year old boy-man, it sounds like BS to me, but I'm not in his head.

I do know the ex-BF. He's an okay guy, and I suspect down underneath he's probably got the core of a good guy. But he's young, too, and he's one of those who's overconfident and brash. I think he thinks she'll always be there when he's ready to get back together with her (and he might be right).

[Autumn]

I don't think it's necessarily abnormal to still be hung up on that. I wouldn't suggest to her that it hints at serious depression, unless you have other signs. Certainly it probably is haunting her because of her own personal stuff, but we all have that. I would definitely suggest counseling. Not therapy, not getting checked out for depression, but just a simple counselor who you can vent to. That helped me a ton in a sort of similar situation.

[JediKooter]

Eh, she's 20. She's basically still learning how to drive. As long as she's not cutting herself or doing some other self destructive behavior, she'll eventually see the light on her own. My only suggestion is, the more distractions she has, probably the better.

[ISiddiqui]

I think the circumstances of the breakup are also messing with her... because the guy left it somewhat open with the whole distance thing ("maybe if we lived closer it could work ok", etc) and the multiple breakups (leaving some hope that perhaps they could get back together since they have multiple times in the past).

She can't get over it because there are still what seem to her to be loose ends how they can get back together.

[Lathum]

so off topic, but whats up with al the butt hurt from Noop?

[dawgfan]

She can't get over it because there are still what seem to her to be loose ends how they can get back together.
Yeah, the fact that he's left it a bit open-ended is giving her an excuse to think it can all work out.

It might (though I wouldn't lay good odds on it), but even so, she needs to move on and then come back to it later after she's had other relationships (if she indeed does eventually want to go back to it and the opportunity is there).

He's clearly enjoying the opportunity to play the field, and she needs to realize she can do the same thing. There's other fish out there in the sea, and the fact he's not willing to commit to her means he's not the right guy for her right now.

One thing that's important - even though it's possible things might eventually work out between them (you never know), she can't think that right now. Any possibility that they might work out is an excuse for her to obsess about it rather than moving on. In fact, the only healthy way for them to have a chance of getting back together eventually is if she does move on - she needs to experience being herself again, and being OK with not being with him, and experience dating other guys. If she just mopes and pines for him, and by some chance after he's done with school decides to get back together with her, she'll just be essentially an emotional leech - she'll be constantly jealous and terrified of him leaving again, and be so emotionally needy that she'd just push him away again, or worse, he'd take advantage of her neediness and emotionally abuse her (intentionally or not).

Only way for her to be an emotionally healthy person not carrying undue relationship baggage is to move on.

[cartman]

I'd almost be more concerned if she wasn't having a tough time getting past a "first love". Shit damned near killed me (rather literally).

In a Paul Harvey voice:

"And that girl's name? Amy Lynn Carter, fourth child of former President Jimmy Carter. And now you know... the rest of the story."

:)

[Matthean]

If he keeps on breaking up with her and has left things open, then he's just being a dick to her. Period. She needs to understand this and accept it. Once that happens, she very likely could go through a phase where she gets rather pissed at him for playing with her emotions like that. At some point she gets beyond that phase and she will walk away from it and there will be no desire from her to go back.

[tarcone]

She likes the bad boy. "Fake" breakus for the friends? He breaks up and she takes him back. He moves away and doesnt want the gf thing back in LA, unless he comes to visit LA. Then he will call her.
This is typical guy stuff. He found "one of those girls" in her. He will be using and abusing her until she figures it out. I hope she does soon. Otherwise, it will only be worse.
And I get he is a "nice" guy. But he is a guy.

[Noop]

so off topic, but whats up with al the butt hurt from Noop?

Butt hurt? I just told him to enjoy the laughter.

[Autumn]

In a Paul Harvey voice:

"And that girl's name? Amy Lynn Carter, fourth child of former President Jimmy Carter. And now you know... the rest of the story."

:)

You win the Internets.