The Divorce Generation

[Galaxy]

The Divorce Generation - WSJ.com (http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052702303544604576430341393583056.html?mod=WSJ_article_MoreIn_Life%26Culture#articleTabs%3Darticle)

The Divorce Generation
Having survived their own family splits, Generation X parents are determined to keep their marriages together. It doesn't always work.


I thought it was an interesting article. I wonder what my generation, Generation Y, would look like.

[Mota]

Many (ie. over 50%) of the parents in my son's school (he was in grade 1) are divorced. We're constantly hearing "his dad doesn't live with them". I never thought there were that many. This isn't a "baby momma" neighborhood either, it's a pretty nice area.

[Matthean]

I wonder what my generation, Generation Y, would look like.

One huge difference is the age at which people will be getting married, if ever at all.

[Qwikshot]

I don't think this a shock. My daughter's mom was married at 19, divorced at 20. After she and I broke up, she remarried, that lasted 3 years, and then she upped and got married last year (hopefully the last time, since I actually like this guy in how he treats my daughter).

In the end, I agree with the writer, that even if you are a bad husband/wife, you have got to be a good parent. I think maybe the big problem is that most damaged souls overdo it on the parenting thing (spoiled kids).

I don't think my daughter has been untouched by this. I have her for the Summer, and just last night she was looking over all the crafts that I had kept of hers and she stated her mom hadn't kept much (on account of all the moving). I always decided no matter how vitrolic the relationship was that I wouldn't have that affect her, so I was always civil to my ex-girlfriend.

These days, I think it worked out, because my daughter for the most part is healthy and happy. I get to spend time with her and we adjust to the fact that she'll be going back to Texas to a new sibling (my ex is due in September) and we just told her the news that I'll be a dad again in December with my wife.

The key thing is that I've always told my daughter that she would have a home here, no matter what, and that it's okay to be happy in Texas just like when she's in Pennsylvania.

She's 10 now, I worry for the teen years, but so far, I keep ensuring that she's always loved and welcomed, and that she can always call on me.

My parents are still married, so are my wife's, so we're an interesting dynamic right now. I hope that my wife and I can have the same success as my parents and in-laws. I guess time will tell.

I do believe that most people are marrying later, my wife is 25 and I'm 35 so I would agree to that.

[PilotMan]

The Divorce Generation
Having survived their own family splits, Generation X parents are determined to keep their marriages together.


This is my marriage, almost by definition. It's been the primary reason why our marriage has been so good. 11 years in November and we both came from broken homes.

[tarcone]

My parents didnt divorce. But my Dad was rarely home (traveled for work, he went to work at 6 am and came home at 6 pm). Im thinking these days, that is what kept them together.
My wifes parents went through an ugly divorce and her Dad didnt have muych contact with my wife for a long time.
I think we are in the same boat about keeping our marriage together.

[lungs]

My parents have a good marriage yet I'm not sure I want to get married.

[Radii]

My parents didn't divorce but really, really should have. I think "staying together for the kids" when you just plain don't like each other is overrated as hell. Isn't a single or shared parent environment better than one where the kids know that something is just *wrong* all the time?

It wasn't a totally conscious thing but maybe growing up knowing my parents basically couldn't stand each other for large periods of time made it easier to decide what to do when I was considering whether to get divorced or not.

[JediKooter]

Hmmm, something tells me the divorce rates for generation X are going to be roughly the same as the previous generation (baby boomers?). All my grandparents are divorced. My parents are divorced. I would say, about half of my friends parents were divorced when I was growing up. I don't think it's a generational thing, I think it's two different people that don't know how to work things out (not including violence or infidelity) and one or the other throws in the towel and gives up, which transcends generational differences or trends. Just my opinion though.

[Daimyo]

Economist had an article recently on the marriage gap between the well educated and not so well educated that I haven't really seen reported much elsewhere. Divorce has kept increasing among couples without college degrees, but has been steadily decreasing among those with college degrees and even moreso among those with advanced degrees.

Marriage in America: The frayed knot | The Economist (http://www.economist.com/node/9218127)
The decline of marriage: For richer, for smarter | The Economist (http://www.economist.com/node/18867552)

[JediKooter]

Damn elitists!!

[jeff061]

My parents didn't divorce but really, really should have. I think "staying together for the kids" when you just plain don't like each other is overrated as hell. Isn't a single or shared parent environment better than one where the kids know that something is just *wrong* all the time?

It wasn't a totally conscious thing but maybe growing up knowing my parents basically couldn't stand each other for large periods of time made it easier to decide what to do when I was considering whether to get divorced or not.

My parents divorced when I was young and my father stayed very very involved in my life, certainly didnt ever take a backseat to my mother. In retrospect I have no complaints with how I was raised, well at least where divorce is relevant. I remember their last year or 2 together and it would have been a disaster if they tried to stick it out for my benefit.

[Sun Tzu]

I'm happily married, and currently in discussions on whether we should have kids. My wife was born in 1980 (the last year mentioned in this article) and I was born in 1982. Both of our parents are divorced. Her birth parents were never married...her Mom married her step-Dad when she was 8 or so, and then they divorced within a few months after she went off to college.

I have no idea what it's like to have parents that are married. Mine divorced before I turned 1. I have only one memory of them being in the same room together...and I was 14 years old.

Personally, I think it's worked well for me that they split so early. I don't have any awful memories of yelling or screaming, nor do I have any feelings of resentment or blame toward either of them.

[Arles]

I have a lot of thoughts on this as well. I got divorced after 7-8 years (we had a 2-year old at the time) and it was pretty amiable (no cheating, drugs, craziness). We just drifted apart and found that we were different people at 31 than at 21. She's since remarried and I'm engaged to be married in September. From my perspective, this was definitely the right move. In my first marriage, I was more focused on career/money and less on family/wife. The divorce opened my eyes to that and I realized I wanted something different than I looked for when I was 20. I wanted someone I could spend time with, share interests with, would compliment me - as well all the other good stuff. :) So, I took time (over 3 years) looking for that match and now that I've found it it's pretty gratifying. She's great with my son (will be 6 in the fall), loves sports, is active and compliments me (ie, can cook, clean and keep things tidy).

Looking back on all of this, I just don't think I should have gotten married before I was 28-29. I didn't want a wife at that point in my life, nor did I know what to look for and my priorities were out of whack. Still, both my parents side got married in their early 20s and almost no one got divorced (parents, gp, aunts, uncles,...). So, I thought that was the way you did things. I think it's rare that people know what they want the rest of their life when they're 18-20, but I have a lot of respect and admiration for people able to have the foresight to figure all that out at that age.

I think this has always been the case, but there are reasons now-days that divorce is higher:
1. Women are more self sufficient/employed. Many older couples I've met that aren't happy stayed together because "Taking care of the man/kids" was all the women knew how do. In a way, it was like being institutionalized in prison. It's hard for a woman who's taken care of the kids/husband as a primary role to up and leave after 20+ years. So, they stayed together (miserable) because they didn't see another option. People now are more independent and able to leave these situations.
2. The online/facebook/myspace world. Now, someone may be miserable and reconnect with a high school sweetheart/ex and realize there's something else out there if they get divorced. It can also tempt people to cheat and be more bold (which also moves the clock up on a divorce). I think this is a factor many people don't consider when looking at divorces.
3. The stigma has been removed a bit from the idea that divorces "hurt the kids". There are a lot of divorces where the kids are fine and you could argue they are even in a better state because they now live in two happier homes (instead of one miserable one). This was my biggest fear when my ex and I were talking about a divorce. But, we split time with him 50-50 (every other week) and he just knows there's "mommy's house" and "daddy's house". And, because we have that week off before, we are even more involved with him the week we have him (which may not the best thing as he gets older...). As long as parents take the time/effort to be good parents and not get spiteful or use the kid to get back for their own personal vendetta, there's no reason a kid in a divorced home can't grow up well (of course, that's easier said than done for many people).

Sorry to be a little longwinded, but I think this is a fascinating aspect of society and there are probably many more factors that are involved. In the end, I think we are all worried about being alone and want to start families to some degree - but the million dollar question is being able to find both the right person and the right time in our life to take the plunge. That's a hard thing to do right and that's why many of us (myself included) need another chance :)

[lighthousekeeper]

I think this has always been the case, but there are reasons now-days that divorce is higher...

lol

[Arles]

After reading the story, I see that divorce has decreased a bit by the hard numbers.

Still, some of my post is more about my experience, but I still feel that it has merit. People are waiting until older to get married (like I should have done), but it's a tough thing to pinpoint. That was my point and I think it's always going to be tough for each person to figure out the right person/time. Many before would just get married off the bat and realize it was wrong (ie, me). But others are taking their time and find better matches/situations (like my younger sister who didn't get married until she was 28).

I also think that a lot of people live together, even have kids, but never get married. That action would never have been considered back in 1960. But, now, many people chose to live that way (even move in with people with kids from other people and don't get married). I think that tends to skew the numbers a bit as well.

[Arles]

To piggy back. In 1980, about 6.1% of unmarried women got married (61.4 per 1000 unmarried) and 2.3% got divorced (22.6 per 1000 married women). In 2008, 3.5% of unmarried women got married (34.8 per 1000) and 1.6% got divorced (16.4 per 1000). So, while the divorce rate has dropped 27%, the marriage rate has dropped over 40%. So, in terms of actual impact, I'm not sure there's actually less divorces now where you figure in how many fewer people get married than before. To get an "apples to apples" comparison, you'd almost need to count all the couples that live together for a while (maybe even have kids) and then break up. Those people would have probably gotten married in 1980 because of the stigma associated with being unmarried and living together (esp with kids).