Adoption

[TroyF]

My wife and I are getting ready to start the process. The information out there is a little overwhelming. Any FOFCers have tips or things I should be aware of before starting this?

[JPhillips]

I've done Chinese adoption. I'd be happy to talk if you want.

[rjolley]

Congrats. It's a great thing to bring in a child or children that need a home and give them the love and guidance that they need.

My wife and I started the process last year and the one thing I would say you need is patience. The process has been going on for about 7 months now. We first had to attend training that included foster parents. The training was to make you aware of the requirements and to give each parent information about where to get help when you need it. For Georgia, and I would imagine for other states as well, adoptive parents are the same as foster parents for the first 4-6 months in that the children are still wards of the state, so you have to follow their rules on different things, including discipline. Your parenting style may match what they offer, so it may not mater, but it's something to be aware of.

Get ready to write a lot, research your family quite a bit, and to have counselors over often, especially once the children are placed. We've met with our counselor 3 or 4 times to gather the information necessary for her to write up the study to submit to the state. Once that's approved, then we start the process of seeing which kids fit with our family.

And finally, be ready to be heartbroken at some of the stories you'll hear and when you find children that you would like to adopt and it doesn't work out for whatever reason. There were a couple of kids that we've met at different events that we were ready to adopt on the spot that we couldn't due to the process being delayed longer than we expected. And it just tears your heart out knowing what some of these kids have been through.

One more thing, don't close yourself off to the children. My wife and I were certain we didn't want to bring in any children that had been sexually abused. But the kids I mentioned earlier had been and with the love and caring of their foster parent, they were nothing like what we expected. Sure, they have their bad days, but it's not as bad as we thought it would be.

Good luck. I hope you're able to find children who work out for your family. If you ever want to talk about it any, feel free to drop me a line. Right now, I'm just trying to stay patient and get out of this holding pattern we've been in. :)

[Ben E Lou]

My wife and I are getting ready to start the process. The information out there is a little overwhelming. Any FOFCers have tips or things I should be aware of before starting this?My iwife has worked in the adoption industry for over a decade, and my brother and sister-in-law have two adopted children. One thing they'd all say is that if you're going to use an agency, check into several until you find one with which you're very comfortable. Virtually all of them operate a little differently and have different guidelines, strengths, and weaknesses.

I'm sure the folks with whom you work will tell you this more delicately, but supply and demand is a major factor in adoptions. Healthy white infants where the birth mother wants to cut all ties are typically in highest demand and shortest supply, so as a result, the more open you are to options like non-infants, different races, open-ness (i.e. birth parent has contact with you and the child), and special needs, the more likely it is that you'll have a child more quickly.

[molson]

I don't have any knowledge to give advice, but I happened to attend a family law CLE training yesterday and I was blown away by some of the lengths those adoption attorneys go for their clients. They know their stuff, they're aggressive, and very passionate. I don't know if hiring a lawyer is an automatic thing for every adopter, but if it isn't, it's definitely something that should be considered, even when there's an agency involved (and adopters should go with a dedicated family law/adoption attorney, as opposed to a general practitioner that does some adoptions on the side.)

[TroyF]

My iwife has worked in the adoption industry for over a decade, and my brother and sister-in-law have two adopted children. One thing they'd all say is that if you're going to use an agency, check into several until you find one with which you're very comfortable. Virtually all of them operate a little differently and have different guidelines, strengths, and weaknesses.

I'm sure the folks with whom you work will tell you this more delicately, but supply and demand is a major factor in adoptions. Healthy white infants where the birth mother wants to cut all ties are typically in highest demand and shortest supply, so as a result, the more open you are to options like non-infants, different races, open-ness (i.e. birth parent has contact with you and the child), and special needs, the more likely it is that you'll have a child more quickly.

That's already one of the things I talked about with my wife when we were deciding. We need wide limits, not narrow ones. That means different races, different ages, not picking a gender, etc. The more limiting we are, the longer it will take us to get a child.

[CrimsonFox]

a friend of mine told me years ago that the US adoption process was horrible and that in the end the original parents could always go back and claim their child or something afterwards. Then again he was known to be full of shit a lot. So I don't know. What he did do was go to Kazikstan and adopt a child.

Cost a shitload of money to do that and I never really understood it.

[rjolley]

a friend of mine told me years ago that the US adoption process was horrible and that in the end the original parents could always go back and claim their child or something afterwards. Then again he was known to be full of shit a lot. So I don't know. What he did do was go to Kazikstan and adopt a child.

Cost a shitload of money to do that and I never really understood it.

From what we were told, while there are some children that have parents that have not given up their rights, most that are up for adoption have had the parental rights terminated, either voluntarily or by the courts. Also, the counselors try to place the children with family first. They try whatever they can to keep the families together

[spleen1015]

I think it is a great thing that you and your wife are doing.

[JonInMiddleGA]

My iwife

"iwife"? Is that like where you're only married to her online but to somebody else IRL?

:D

---
As for the actual topic, what little I know says if you're going foreign then anticipate major $$$, from legit costs to bribes (have a friend going through that deal right now). And if you're staying domestic then anticipate even more considerable delays, hoops, twists and turns.

The best advice might be the first thing someone said: bring a truckload of patience.

I wish you & your wife luck, success, and happiness with the effort.

[Castlerock]

I have adopted twice from Russia. I'd be happy to chat with you.

Research domestic and international. Both have pros and cons. Be skeptical anytime someone tells you "this is how it is". Every adoption is unique. The choice of agency matters a great deal but 2 adoptions through the same agency can be a very different experience.

At some point, it becomes a leap of faith. You gather as much info as you can then you just need to jump.

It will surely be a long and grueling journey. The end will come even if some days it feels like it will never end. The reward at the end is priceless and all the hard work fades into the past.

One piece of advice: Find a Notary Public now. This should be someone that you can call on to notarize documents at a moments notice. If you don't know someone that you can lean on, get someone to apply to become a notary public.

[Barkeep49]

Has anyone done any foster parenting?

[hoopsguy]

My wife and I went the domestic adoption route. Our desire was to have a child as close to the date of birth as possible, which seemed more feasible with domestic than international.

Definitely get an attorney. State law is different everywhere, otherwise I would recommend the one we have.

Definitely look at multiple agencies. I think we looked at 3-4 different ones before deciding on the one for us.

It took us about a year once we had completed the paperwork for the agency we selected. The first family we met indicated they wanted to go ahead with having us adopt their soon-to-be-born child, but had a change of heart (official adoption-speak term) about a week later. Tough pill, although it doesn't even register compared to some of the other scenarios that could have unfolded.

The second placement - and by placement I mean getting a call to come to the hospital - resulted in meeting our two day old daughter. No complications at all that time around.

She will be turning five next week. Would love to talk all about her, but don't want to derail the primary information-gathering focus of the thread.

[Ben E Lou]

a friend of mine told me years ago that the US adoption process was horrible and that in the end the original parents could always go back and claim their child or something afterwards. Then again he was known to be full of shit a lot. So I don't know.Laws vary from state to state, but I'm fairly certain that's not true anywhere in the U.S. When we were in Georgia, there was a 10-day "change your mind" period after parental rights were terminated. In other words, if the birth mother signed her parental rights on May 1st, she had until May 11th to reverse that decision and reclaim the baby. After that, no dice. As a result, the common practice at my wife's agency was to get the baby from the hospital, take it to a foster home for 10 days, then take it to the birth family when the revocation of parental rights became irreversible. That way the adoptive parents weren't exposed to the risk of having 9 days with the child and then having it snatched away. (I knew a fellow YL staffer who used a different agency, had a baby in their home, and had it reclaimed by the birth mother on day 9. That was just AWFUL.) Anyway, my wife doesn't work directly with birth parents any longer, so I don't know how things work in SC for sure, but my understanding is that they have a similar relatively short change-your-mind period.

[Castlerock]

Laws vary from state to state, but I'm fairly certain that's not true anywhere in the U.S. When we were in Georgia, there was a 10-day "change your mind" period after parental rights were terminated. In other words, if the birth mother signed her parental rights on May 1st, she had until May 11th to reverse that decision and reclaim the baby. After that, no dice. As a result, the common practice at my wife's agency was to get the baby from the hospital, take it to a foster home for 10 days, then take it to the birth family when the revocation of parental rights became irreversible. That way the adoptive parents weren't exposed to the risk of having 9 days with the child and then having it snatched away. (I knew a fellow YL staffer who used a different agency, had a baby in their home, and had it reclaimed by the birth mother on day 9. That was just AWFUL.) Anyway, my wife doesn't work directly with birth parents any longer, so I don't know how things work in SC for sure, but my understanding is that they have a similar relatively short change-your-mind period.
That is my understanding as well. After the change-your-mind period, the revocation of rights is not possible short of some colossal legal screw up.

[Ben E Lou]

One piece of advice: Find a Notary Public now. This should be someone that you can call on to notarize documents at a moments notice. If you don't know someone that you can lean on, get someone to apply to become a notary public.Ah, that's a good bit. At my wife's agency, all the social workers were notaries, which allowed them to notarize stuff for one another's clients. Also, fwiw, some banks offer free notary services to account holders. (Ours does.)

[RomaGoth]

Congrats. It's a great thing to bring in a child or children that need a home and give them the love and guidance that they need.

+1

[johnnyshaka]

My wife and I are getting ready to start the process. The information out there is a little overwhelming. Any FOFCers have tips or things I should be aware of before starting this?

God bless you and your wife and I wish you all the best. I was adopted as a baby and have all the respect in the world for my folks along with people like yourselves.

[CrimsonFox]

Laws vary from state to state, but I'm fairly certain that's not true anywhere in the U.S. When we were in Georgia, there was a 10-day "change your mind" period after parental rights were terminated. In other words, if the birth mother signed her parental rights on May 1st, she had until May 11th to reverse that decision and reclaim the baby. After that, no dice. As a result, the common practice at my wife's agency was to get the baby from the hospital, take it to a foster home for 10 days, then take it to the birth family when the revocation of parental rights became irreversible. That way the adoptive parents weren't exposed to the risk of having 9 days with the child and then having it snatched away. (I knew a fellow YL staffer who used a different agency, had a baby in their home, and had it reclaimed by the birth mother on day 9. That was just AWFUL.) Anyway, my wife doesn't work directly with birth parents any longer, so I don't know how things work in SC for sure, but my understanding is that they have a similar relatively short change-your-mind period.

Very good policy about the foster home thing. I'm guessing what my friend was describing was something like that.

[Lathum]

God bless you and your wife and I wish you all the best. I was adopted as a baby and have all the respect in the world for my folks along with people like yourselves.

+1

If you ever want to know what it was like for an adopted child drop me a PM.

IMO I would stay away from an open adoption. I would think that can be very confusing for a child or teen. For all intents and purposes you will be that childs parents, I see no reason to allow the biological parents involved. I know for me my parents are everybit as much my parents as anyone elses, for there to be some birth mother dropping in keeping tabs on me would likely have been very confusing and created an awkward dynamic.

[EagleFan]

Wish you the best and I'll stop at that as I know absolutely nothing about that process so I have nothing to add that can help but I wish you and your wife the best with the process.

[JPhillips]

My wife and I went the domestic adoption route. Our desire was to have a child as close to the date of birth as possible, which seemed more feasible with domestic than international.

Definitely get an attorney. State law is different everywhere, otherwise I would recommend the one we have.

Definitely look at multiple agencies. I think we looked at 3-4 different ones before deciding on the one for us.

It took us about a year once we had completed the paperwork for the agency we selected. The first family we met indicated they wanted to go ahead with having us adopt their soon-to-be-born child, but had a change of heart (official adoption-speak term) about a week later. Tough pill, although it doesn't even register compared to some of the other scenarios that could have unfolded.

The second placement - and by placement I mean getting a call to come to the hospital - resulted in meeting our two day old daughter. No complications at all that time around.

She will be turning five next week. Would love to talk all about her, but don't want to derail the primary information-gathering focus of the thread.

I can't tell you how happy I am that things worked out for you and your family.

[Uncle Briggs]

Keep track of every adoption related expense including gas, notary fees, whatever. These are tax credits and carry over from year to year until you can take all of them (unless this changed when we changed presidents).

A special needs child carries a set, quite large tax credit. We didn't know at the time, but it ended up the govt paid us to adopt our daughter. Not sure on the specifics of special needs, if it includes non-white children (which are sometimes termed special needs) or has to be a medical condition.

[hoopsguy]

I can't tell you how happy I am that things worked out for you and your family.

Thanks. I still have the PM messages that you sent me back when things had gone south on the medical front. In hindsight, the advice was exactly what I needed to hear at that time. It probably did nudge me in the direction of adoption a little faster than I would have had you not reached out.

Hopefully Troy is able to find people - whether here or through other channels - who can help him along the way with his adoption process.

[TroyF]

Thanks to everyone. I appreciate the stories, comments and tips.

I think we are going to go get a very good adoption attorney to sit down with. We want to go over all of the options and make sure we go into this the right way. The more I think about it, the more I want to get a child who is not an infant. (a 2 or 3 year old). I'm older and this process might take awhile. I also really want to help a kid who may have had a rough beginning. I know that might make it harder, but I am ok with that.

I'll keep everyone posted on the progress as we move forward. I'm sure I will be IM'ing some of you guys for advice and help as I go through this. Thanks again guys.

[JPhillips]

Thanks to everyone. I appreciate the stories, comments and tips.

I think we are going to go get a very good adoption attorney to sit down with. We want to go over all of the options and make sure we go into this the right way. The more I think about it, the more I want to get a child who is not an infant. (a 2 or 3 year old). I'm older and this process might take awhile. I also really want to help a kid who may have had a rough beginning. I know that might make it harder, but I am ok with that.

I'll keep everyone posted on the progress as we move forward. I'm sure I will be IM'ing some of you guys for advice and help as I go through this. Thanks again guys.

Good luck. There will be a lot of frustrations along the way, but it will all be worth it. I can't imagine life without my daughter.

[JPhillips]

Thanks. I still have the PM messages that you sent me back when things had gone south on the medical front. In hindsight, the advice was exactly what I needed to hear at that time. It probably did nudge me in the direction of adoption a little faster than I would have had you not reached out.

Hopefully Troy is able to find people - whether here or through other channels - who can help him along the way with his adoption process.

I've still got those messages as well. Glad I could help.

[Mo.Raider]

Great to hear TroyF! There are 147 million orphans in the world and all deserving of a home.

We have adopted two internationally and are adopting two domestically at the present. I look around at my children and can't believe they are mine.

I can say both international and domestic adoptions will have their own unique challenges, but in the end, what a blessing!

It will be a long journey that seems difficult and frustrating at the time, but when your child is home those badges of honor will seem tiny in comparison to the true blessing he/she will bring.

I remember with each adoption the paperwork/process seemed overwhelming as well, but it all takes care of itself one document/meeting at a time. I look at my kids now and think, "I would move a mountain for you one shovel at a time". If your heart is in it, don't be discouraged by any setbacks, or paper mountains.

Good luck and God bless you!

[Marc Vaughan]

Fantastic stuff - I think adoption is a fantastic route to parenthood myself, best of luck :D

(no actual useful advice available I'm afraid - just wanted to offer a word of encouragement)

[Raiders Army]

I'm adopted. Unfortunately, I've got some potent sperm so I haven't had to adopt. From the other side of things, your kids will definitely know that they are loved. There is no doubt when you're adopted that you will be loved (not saying anything bad about those who may be "accidents" (hey two of our kids were "accidents" and they're loved)).

[Icy]

Big congrats on going for it.

When we lost our first baby and were not sure if we could have any healthy one, we also looked into adopting but at the end we gmbled by ourselves again and it went fine so we didn't advance much more on the adopting process.

We have a friend who adopted a 5 months old kid from Vietnam and it was a long (and expensive) process, almost 3 years, but for them it was worth every € and minute expended and they are a very happy family now. Of course this was from Spain, I have no idea about how it is in USA.

I guess you will go through a long path with high and lows, but have patience and fight for your dreams, they will come true.

[Poli]

Best of luck, Troy. My wife and I talked about adopting as early as next year if we couldn't have children "soon" (our first born is due in late June/early July now, though).

Adoption is still an option for us down the road. I foresee us adopting at least once.