The Shitty Habits of a Middle Aged Man

[Subby]

Like a lot of middle aged men, I don't have any terrible habits (like secretive snorting of liquid cocaine or addiction to estonian strip clubs), but I have a ton of minor habits that make me unproductive, unhealthy, and most likely repulsive to the large majority of people I run across (think of the guy in the commercial who hires three teenage girls to follow him around for behavior modification purposes (oooh. that's...gross). I'm that guy.

I cannot do anything in moderation. Anything. A-n-y-t-h-i-n-g. My self-discipline is awful. Always has been, always will be. If I buy a pint of Ben & Jerry's and bring it home, it will be gone in my tummy in under 2 hours.

"But why don't you dish it out into a ramekin and make it last three days?"

HAHAHAHAHAHA. Fuck you.

I am a disgusting, over-eating, over-sleeping slob with zero discipline and only a little more self-control.

"But you ran a marathon in this past March! That takes DEDICATION."

It was a bet. I won money as a result. I was incentivized. Barely. That's the problem. Lack of discipline makes it hard for me to follow through on much of anything. I am terrible at planning and organization and am master of when-the-spirit-moves-me. Yes, I am a nightmare spouse.

Anyway. Over the next 30 days I am going to identify one poor habit per day that is costing me personally - whether it be financial, professional, social or health. So day one, I will list an item and quit it cold turkey. Or I will list an item and start doing it hot turkey. Then day 2 I will add a new item AND list the item from the previous day, and so on. At the end of 30 days I will have a list of shit habits that I want to eliminate.

<s>At the end of thirty days I will be left with just one vice. Katy Perry's #1 SUPERFAN.</s>

After the first thirty days, we'll see where we are. Reassess. Maybe celebrate by doing all thirty things within the space of 5 minutes. Maybe.

Here we go.

"Because when you have no willpower and no self control and no discipline, a checklist will solve all of your problems!" - other people, to me.

[Subby]

DAY ONE

I work in an office that provides ice cold coke zero and ice cold dr pepper. ALL I CAN FUCKING DRINK WHENEVER I WANT. This is the best job in the world. Unfortunately, I eschew things like water and peeing normally when I partake both at work and at home. So we're kicking that habit. I had my last one last night at poker night, and it was shitty diet coke with lime. So at least I don't have fond memories.

1. No soda.

[britrock88]

Consider betting on yourself. If you slip up on one of the habits you're trying to break, put some money or time toward something you would rather not do -- maybe some kind of drudgery that would curry favor with your spouse.

[Radii]

Awesome idea, as a fellow disgusting, over-eating, over-sleeping slob with zero discipline I'll be following closely.

[BYU 14]

This should be fun to follow. I am good in most areas, but portion control is my big downfall.........When you get to that one maybe we can make a friendly bet :)

[JonInMiddleGA]

I'm not quite grasping the long term notion of intentionally making yourself miserable but hey, if it works for you, then good luck by all means.

[Subby]

DAY TWO

I made it through yesterday with no soda and it was definitely missed. As a result I drank one billion times times the water I normally drink plus 16oz. I also had basil lemonade from a local killer food truck (better than it sounds) and a regular frozen strawberry lemonade from, of all places, Taco Bell (ESTA MUY FUCKING AWESOMO). Not the earth-shaking, demon-slaying success that I usually aim for with my all or nothing challenges, but hey...incrementalism. Pretty sure Winston Chuchill said that incrementalism and a set of manboobs are the first steps toward peace in our time.

So now to turn my attention to scourge #2. Starbucks. After a quick check with our household CFO (aka wife), it looks like we spend close to $2,000 per year at Starbucks. Yes, you read that correctly. How in god's name is that even possible?

I really love COFFEE. I mean, drink 40-50 ounces a day love it. Love it so much that I have a coffee roaster and mack-daddy bean grinder and have been known to buy raw green coffee beans and grind them and roast them myself. When you see me posting stupid shit to FOFC, I am usually 40 ounces deep into my caffeine habit. In reality, I don't really roast beans all that often, but it is very easy for me to buy good dark roast beans, boil some water, grind the beans, throw them in my french press, and pour some hot water over them. AND ENJOY RIDICULOUSLY GOOD COFFEE FOR ABOUT TWENTY-FIVE CENTS. Way better than Starbucks.

Which brings me back to what the fuck is wrong with me. For god sakes, we even have a FREE Keurig K-CUP abomination in our office that I could just hit up in the afternoon. After all, when you are drinking coffee in the afternoon, its really more about a crippling dependence on caffeine than it is your refined coffee pallet.

But, hey - let's go to Starbucks and order a 20 oz. Venti Bold Red-Eye for $2.75. OH AND I AM HUNGRY CINAMMON SCONE TOO. NOM. NOM. NOM.

Oh breakfast? No time for breakfast at home! Microwave Starbucks sausage egg and cheese and 20 oz. red eye for $6.00.

Oh after church? Whole family gets 3000 calories worth of mid-grade shit for $14.75.

On and on and on. Stupid. This is low hanging fruit. Drink coffee at home or drink the free shit at work and save the $30-$40 per week. Going to Starbucks is LAZY. I have a house with a nice, heavily-windowed room that I can sit in and drink coffee.

Anyway.

1. No soda. :thumbsup:
2. No Starbucks.

WE ANSWER QUESTIONS FROM OUR READERS

"Consider betting on yourself. If you slip up on one of the habits you're trying to break, put some money or time toward something you would rather not do -- maybe some kind of drudgery that would curry favor with your spouse." - britrock88

That would require discipline, which I have shown I do not have. The only time the bet thing works is if it involves going head to head with another person or persons and the data is objectively verifiable. For example, I had a bet with two folks in my office that we had to each run 140 miles back in February. You had to use the running app RunKeeper on your runs so that your runs could be verified. If you did not complete the challenge, you coughed up $80 to each of the other two competitors. I aced that.

"I'm not quite grasping the long term notion of intentionally making yourself miserable but hey, if it works for you, then good luck by all means." - JonInMiddleGA

Great observation. I could spend hours spouting off on the meaning of life, happiness, delayed v. instant gratification, etc.. When it comes down to it, though, when I look in the mirror, I don't really like what I see - on several levels. Is the happiness that these bad habits bring me in the short term worth it in the long run? Forty-one years of data says no, at least in my case. So I have to at least make a go of tightening up, plugging my leaks, walking the walk, and whatever other catchy term exists for self-improvement. After thirty days I could very well come back and say, fuck it, Jon is right. It isn't about plugging the leaks. It's about _____. What is "it" and what is "it" about?

[Kodos]

Interesting thread. I am also lazy and overeat, but getting too much sleep is definitely not my problem. I get way too little sleep.

Will be following along and rooting for you.

[britrock88]

WE ANSWER QUESTIONS FROM OUR READERS


This is an enjoyable feature.

[cuervo72]

1. No soda. :thumbsup:
2. No Starbucks.

31. No bottled water.

[sterlingice]

This is already a great read. This has the potential to be an AWESOME read.

SI

[korme]

I'm not quite grasping the long term notion of intentionally making yourself miserable but hey, if it works for you, then good luck by all means.

Got to love Jon and his IDGAF attitude :D

[Critch]

I'm not sure I do 30 things, never mind 30 things I want to give up. But good luck anyway.

I bet tomorrow is masturbation.

[cuervo72]

I'm not sure I do 30 things, never mind 30 things I want to give up. But good luck anyway.

1. Watch soccer on Monday.
2. Watch soccer on Tuesday.
3. Watch soccer on Wednesday.
4. Watch soccer on Thursday..
.
.
.

I bet tomorrow is masturbation.

I sure hope he doesn't look at himself in the mirror for that.

[Ksyrup]

Great thread. We're the same age so I definitely relate.

I don't oversleep - I get 4-5 hours a night, tops - but I over-eat like a bitch. Or a fat bitch, anyway. I'm 35-40 pounds from where I want to be, and I yo-yo every couple of years. I'm either totally with the program, or diving into a swimming pool of pizza, fried food, and ice cream. And I've managed to accomplish all this without drinking. I'd be a candidate for Biggest Loser if I actually liked alcohol. And then there's the rest of my failings as a human that you can't see spilling out over my shorts. So... yeah, I suck, too.

Anyway, on that positive note, good luck with this. :D

[Subby]

DAY THREE

So Starbucks called me last night, sobbing, wondering what they did to make me quit them. It was awkward and creepy and touching all at the same time. I told them it wasn't them, it was me. Then we had break up sex on a bed of iced lemon pound cake, floating on a sea of caramel macchiatto, listening to Various Artists - Let It Snow (now available at the front register for $17.95).

Or maybe that was just some weird withdrawal vision I had at around 9pm because for the first time in a while, I didn't piss away $6 on substandard baked goods and criminally overpriced coffee. Seriously, what a fucking dope I am. How much money have I pissed away in my life on that company? From the time they started putting stores in DC in 1994 to today, I would hazard an ABSOLUTELY HORRIFYING guess of twenty thousand dollars. Fuck me. If I had invested all that money in the company instead of being some overfed, lobotomized lab sloth, I would have enough money to pay someone to come and punch me in the balls for being such an idiot. What?

Anyway, what's done is done. Moving on.

Time for item number 3 in bad habit land. Convenience stores.

Who doesn't love 7-11? Or the Exxon express store? Or WaWa? Or the convenience store right in the lobby of my building that provides ice cold drinks, candy bars, pop tarts, caramel wafers, chex mix, ice cream and everything else that I can eat like a MNDLESS NOM NOM BOT. BIDI BIDI NOM NOM GLORP.

For people like me, people with no planning or organizational skill (or at the very least, desire or motivation or will power to plan and be organized), convenience stores are a fucking HONEYPOT. Mid-day blahs? Run down to the convenience store and grab a Fifth Avenue bar! Gassing up? Don't forget the Hagen-Dazs ice cream bar! Great job swimming kids, let's reward you with slurpees AND I WILL REWARD MYSELF WITH SOME OREO CAKESTERS. MMM YUM CAKESTER CRUSHER LIKE!!!1

Look, if I was running in to grab a banana and a water it would be one thing. Sure, I would basically be placing my $3 on the counter and setting it on fire (since I could get the same from the grocery store for seventy-five cents), but at least I would be making a sensible choice. Since I am not capable of acting like a rational adult, I just need to stay the fuck out of those places. My kids will be pissed, because to a kid, a convenience store is a borderline religious experience (OHMYGOD LOOK AT ALL THAT CANDY), but the $100/month and tens of thousands of calories we'll save will be worth it.

Straight Talk Time. Another issue which is massively embarrassing, is that I don't always just buy one little thing. Oh no. A couple days ago, before I left home from work, I got two candy bars and some pop tarts for the ride home. Not the first time. I've done all kinds of disgusting shit like that too, like getting two ice cream bars, or a pack of cakesters and a caramel waffle AND...well you get the idea. GLUTTONBOT 5000. Obviously, overeating like that is a pretty serious issue and is probably symptomatic of something else, but hopefully knocking this shit off the list one at a time will help.

1. No soda.:thumbsup:
2. No Starbucks.:thumbsup:
3. No Convenience Stores.

WE ANSWER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS FROM OUR READERS

"Interesting thread. I am also lazy and overeat, but getting too much sleep is definitely not my problem. I get way too little sleep." - Kodos

My issue with sleep is that I refuse to go to bed, because I am a spoiled fucking child. So not only do I sleep in, but I do it so I can get a robust six hours of sleep per night. No wonder I am going to die young.

"Got to love Jon and his IDGAF attitude :D: - Shorty

I don't think I have ever written this anywhere, but I genuinely like Jon. I think one of the biggest reasons is that he reminds me of my step dad, a man that passed away a few years ago from lung cancer and someone whom I loved very much. He loved his family, and treated his step kids as his own. Above all else, he was all about his family (nuclear and extended). Other families? Not so much. Much like Jon, my stepfather (who was a cop) was very black and white on issues and was extremely conservative. I remember how pissed I was the time he told me back in '92 that if Clinton was on fire he wouldn't cross the street to piss on him. That was him in a nutshell. He just did not give a fuck what anyone thought about him - he was who he was and if you didn't like it, you could kiss his ass. I admire that trait in people, probably because I don't have it. I try to be like that and then spend days on end wracked with guilt for being that way. So while it probably isn't a mutual admiration society, I admire Jon for who he is and his unapologetic sense of himself.

"I bet tomorrow is masturbation." - Critch

Someone once told me that their Urologist told THEM that one of the ways to stave off prostate trouble is to have lots of sex. So for health reasons I will probably continue to masturbate. IT'S SCIENCE.

"I'm 35-40 pounds from where I want to be, and I yo-yo every couple of years. I'm either totally with the program, or diving into a swimming pool of pizza, fried food, and ice cream." - Ksyrup

I think there is an army of us on this board that could have written that biography. I have rambled enough already today, but I wish I could understand why. Maybe the answer is too complicated for us to comprehend. Or maybe it's too simple to see. Maybe it is as simple as peeling back the layers of your life, one by one.

Maybe I should stop writing today because I am starting to sound like a mewling, philosophical bitch.

[sterlingice]

Sadly, this has become a reason to not just check OT for me when I check FOFC the last couple of days. It's a great read and I have to hide in the corner of my office so people don't come ask me why my usually reserved self is laughing hysterically. That would just open up all sorts of awkward questions.

SI

[Young Drachma]

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[BYU 14]

This is pure gold.

Are you getting support from the family in this or are they trying to test/tempt you right now?

Also are you any any type of exercise regimen (which is all that keeps me at a reasonable weight) or is that down the road?

[spleen1015]

Subby, I hate your guts, but this is a good thread.

[britrock88]

Sadly, this has become a reason to not just check OT for me when I check FOFC the last couple of days. It's a great read and I have to hide in the corner of my office so people don't come ask me why my usually reserved self is laughing hysterically. That would just open up all sorts of awkward questions.

SI

Day 32: Subby's habit-kicking thread.

[britrock88]

BTW, am I the only one who confuses "You're the Inspiration" with "Just You 'n' Me"? (Considering "Just You 'n' Me" has that lyric, "You are my inspiration"...)

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[Subby]

DAY FOUR

Oh the weekend. You are a fucking whore. Even less structure than the week and the days just seem longer. MORE CHANCES TO STUFF FOOD IN MY CAKESTER CRUSHER. Usually I am tooling around, living the suburban dream, banging overwrought, bored housewives and freebasing leftover percocet.

Mostly.

Today was almost like that, in that I had a thee hour swim meet this morning for three of my kids, then had to hustle my teenager over to his double header baseball game for the afternoon. So, minus the forbidden sex and abuse of prescription medication, it was pretty standard. The problem I started to have today, was the mild panic attacks when I forgot my mental checklist (SHIT! DID I GIVE UP M&M TRAIL MIX YET?) That should be fun when I ostensibly have TEN TIMES MORE items on the list when this is all said and done. During week four, look for easy to remember bad habits like 28) Don't set hair on fire and 30) Stop getting face tattoos.

It was kind of fun though, staying out of Starbucks, drinking iced tea instead of soda, and making a run between games to the grocery store instead of a convenience store. I definitely ate a little less shit today, and my rampant heart palpitations and headaches (which probably means I have a brain tumor so advanced it has its own match.com profile) seemed better than they have been in the past few months.

But really, those were child's play. Why? Because it is EASY to substitute for them. Hell, I proved it today. So it's now time to put something on the list that is going to be BRUTALLY HARD.

Ice cream. Here's why.

Last night, no joke, I had a massive bowl of vanilla ice cream with butterscotch caramel sauce and nuts. At 10p. On the couch, watching the Nats game. Energized with a massive rush of calories, I immediately fell into a deep, dairy mucus infused, Godzilla snoring sleep. Alone (as if that wasn't obvious).

Friday nights at my house ARE OFF THE FUCKING HOOK. It's hard to believe I don't contract more sexually transmitted diseases and/or misdemeanor arrests. Totally living on the edge. But that wasn't even the best part. Oh no. I woke up at 12:30a and thought...hey...I HAVEN'T YET TRIED THE PEANUT BUTTER ICE CREAM. I WILL PREPARE MYSELF A LARGE BOWL AND COMPARE! NOM NOM SLURP GLORP. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

Idiot.

So ice cream is out. I can't control myself, sadly. If we go out as a family to Ben & Jerry's, I have to get the small size. At home, I can only eat it on the birthday of a nuclear family member. Don't cry for me - I'm not depriving myself. I have literally had 1,000 gallons of it in my lifetime. For fuck's sake...I am 41 years-old and I still cannot buy a pint of ice cream and NOT eat the entire thing in under 10 minutes.

Seriously, I have a major love handle/bellyfat issue. I am not obese, but I do weigh over 200 pounds and my fat is slopping over my belt. You know when you are getting chubby enough that the top of the waist of your khakis folds over? Yeah. Not a good look. Plus, that shit will kill you. Also not a good look.

1. No soda.:thumbsup: .
2. No Starbucks.:thumbsup: .
3. No Convenience Stores.:thumbsup: .
4. No ice cream

WE ANSWER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS FROM OUR READERS

"Subby, I hate your guts, but this is a good thread." - spleen1015

Thanks! Sorry I'm such a prick on the Internet. Not sure why.

Wait..what, Honey? Oh my lovely wife says "not just the Internet". Ok then! 25) Stop being a prick.

"Are you getting support from the family in this or are they trying to test/tempt you right now?" - BYU14

These are all positive changes, so my wife is pretty happy. Like I said, she's the CFO, so the more money I save, the more money she can spend at The Container Store on stuff we...ahem...need.

"Also are you any any type of exercise regimen (which is all that keeps me at a reasonable weight) or is that down the road?" BYU14

I run sporadically and I bike to work sporadically. I want to do regimens, but I just can't follow through. Currently I have a bet with some office mates that we each have to run 175 miles before September 1st. Predictably, I was way behind at the beginning of the past week and overdid it and run 21 miles over 3 of the last 4 days. Not exercising is pretty bad, but losing money to my richer office mates is MUCH MUCH WORSE.

This is going to come up down the road, but at my age, I have to do cardo every day. Just have to...so whether that is bike to and from work (1100 calories) or run 5 miles (750 calories) or masturbate for 4 hours (55 calories), I am going to get that going here. Soon. I ran 10 miles today, puked, passed out, and saw God, so I might need to work back up to that distance.

[sterlingice]

Wait..what, Honey? Oh my lovely wife says "not just the Internet". Ok then! 25) Stop being a prick.

Don't make promises you can't keep
so the more money I save, the more money she can spend at The Container Store on stuff we...ahem...need. Wait, what? How the hell is The Container Store a destination? It's where you go to get weird little plastic boxes to store crap you, ahem, need. You don't just go to the container store to impulse buy, right?

so whether that is bike to and from work (1100 calories) or run 5 miles (750 calories) or masturbate for 4 hours (55 calories), I am going to get that going here.
That would make for an interesting triathlon.

SI

[Subby]

DAY FIVE

So this is actually day six, but I am going to make a slight, real life adjustment. Since the weekend is usually kind of a blur, for the purposes of this challenge it probably works best to just treat it as one day. One long, unstructured, undisciplined day.

I have now been off ice cream for 36 hours. In the summertime. That, in and of itself, is a MASSIVE accomplishment. Particularly for a person that is perfectly willing to roll off the couch after midnight and fix himself a big ol' bowl of ice cream. And then go back to sleep. Seriously it is amazing sometimes that I am still alive. You know how you watch documentaries with drug users who are smoking crack or shooting heroin and you wonder how they could still be alive? I am pretty certain there is a documentary of me on Sundance Channel polishing off a pint of Chubby Hubby (HAHAHA IRONY) at one in the morning. The viewer is watching, slightly averting his eyes, talking to the screen, "OH MAN! THAT BE GROSS, DAWG. WHY YOU GOTTA EAT THE WHOLE THING? COME ON MAN!"

Anyway, four had habits down for now. ON TO THE FIFTH!

1. No soda.:thumbsup:
2. No Starbucks.:thumbsup:
3. No Convenience Stores.:thumbsup:
4. No ice cream. :thumbsup:
5. No eating after 8pm.

SUBBY THAT IS TOTALLY UNREASONABLE! WHAT IF YOU ARE HUNGRY? FEED THE MACHINE!

Look, I am not going to die of starvation if I stop eating after 8pm at night. People go on seven day food-free vision quests where they arm wrestle Jesus and drink urine in a sweat lodge and then return to their white collar jobs and are FINE. I could stand to be a little hungry once in a while. In fact, I don't know that it is even good for you to give your body food the moment it wants it. I'm not talking about going crazy or anything, but is it that bad to have a meal at 630pm and then maybe a piece of fruit at 8pm and then try not to stay up until midnight? Go to bed a little hungry and wake up to a KICK ASS BREAKFAST. Or go to bed stuffed and have weird dreams about robbing a liquor store with your best friend from unicorn clown college.

I have many times just stood in my kitchen late at night eating bowls of cereal or ice cream (NATCH) or almonds or chips or sweets or whatever I could shove in my hole. WHY? I am not going to die if I don't eat something. I could just go to bed and sleep for 7-8 hours, unencumbered by a batshit insane metabolism that I have just stoked. But no. Gotta get to 5000 calories for the day in case the US Olympic Committee ever calls and I have to start training!

Anyway, it's just dumb. I realize that are going to be times here and there where dinner is running late or something and I might eat at 815, but for 99% of other occasions, I am not going to eat after 8pm. Maybe I'll sleep better and actually benefit from the 500-750 calories that get burned while you sleep. In other words, wake up as less of a fat ass.

WE ANSWER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS FROM OUR READERS

"Wait, what? How the hell is The Container Store a destination? It's where you go to get weird little plastic boxes to store crap you, ahem, need. You don't just go to the container store to impulse buy, right?" - sterlingice

I have a theory that the absolute explosion of home and garden television programming has really warped our sense of home. We see these absolutely pristine, sute, super-organized houses and spaces on television and then we look around at our own untidy, less organized homes and start feeling guilty or stressed or both. We already buy too much shit. Now we have to do something with it? Well, there's a store for that!

[DaddyTorgo]

Technically they say you shouldn't eat within like 3-4 hours of bed. Nothing about 8pm (depending on when you go to sleep).

Just FYI from a reformed-fatty.

[Young Drachma]

I sense a book deal coming out of this. Ok ok, a book title.

[Chief Rum]

I am thinking of starting an anti-Subby-habit dynasty, where I start to do all the things he stops doing, one day at a time, for 30 days.

[Grover]

This is fucking brilliant.

There are so many classic quotations in Subby's posts.

I love this thread.

[DaddyTorgo]

Question: Do you have the 30 things identified? Or are you deciding on them as you go along?

[Cap Ologist]

I am thinking of starting an anti-Subby-habit dynasty, where I start to do all the things he stops doing, one day at a time, for 30 days.

That is fucking brilliant.

[Subby]

DAY SIX

So I am working late yesterday evening and I look at the clock on my PC and it is 7:51 pm. MOTHERFUCKER. I CANNOT, on my first day of declaring no eating after 8:00 pm, eat after 8:00 pm. It's okay I tell myself, I have nine minutes to get something to eat. I'll just run to down to the convenience store next to our bui....

FUCK

No worries just run to the end of the block and get a sandwich at Starbuc....

FUCKITY FUCK

Ok CVS has a decent selection of conveniently packaged foo...

FFFFFFFF UUUUUUUUUUUUU

Oh right, Potbelly across the street, get in the elevator, run across the street, wait for DOO RAG VON DOUCHEBAG to take my order, make my sandwich, fuck up my sandwich, incorrectly make change, etc..

NO TIME FOR POTBELLY.

Now I enter some weird time warp of rage and indecision. Thankfully I was alone in our office because I was probably drooling and making small barnyard animal noises. When I regain consciousness it is 8:03pm. I had not eaten anything since my big ass salad from 2pm. Oh sure, I had a few chocolates from my co-workers candy jar at 5pm, BUT THAT DOESN'T COUNT.

Now I start freaking out. What happens if I don't eat? Is my blood sugar going to bottom out as I drive my SUV over the Key Bridge guardrail into the Potomac? Am I going to be able to take my pants off if I have to wrestle a bear? Wait - what? Am I hallucinating? WHY IS MY FACE TWITCHING????!@#!!

Get a hold of yourself, fat boy. You have plenty of food stored up. NO ONE IS DYING TONIGHT. I calmly get up from my desk, walk out the front door of my building and down the street to the garage where my car is parked. A homeless man accosts me.

"Hey can you spare some? I GOTTA EAT!"

This sets me off. He's hungry? Really? I WILL SHIV A HOBO IN HIS DICK.

I think I hallucinated saying that because next thing I know I am pulling into my driveway. I go inside, pour myself a big glass of sweet tea, and chug. Instantly feeling better, instantly feeling human again, I think...I can do this. And I do. I stay up late watching the Nats, go to bed, and SLUMBER. It was awesome. I woke up with sheet lines all over my face. It was that good.

Maybe I'm on to something here.

So now on to something which is going to be probably impossible to change.

1. No soda. :thumbsup:
2. No Starbucks. :thumbsup:
3. No Convenience Stores. :thumbsup:
4. No ice cream. :thumbsup:
5. No eating after 8pm. :thumbsup:
6. No staying up late.

I go to dance clubs and strip joints and raves all of the time. I am usually out until 2am and either fall asleep on the couch or stumble up to bed around 4am and wake up my poor wife. Sure I don't get a lot of sleep, but at least I am living my life to the fullest, out there being young, having fun, being social. PARTYING.

What? What was that you say? Oh right. I don't do any of that fun shit. I stay up late on the internet or watching tv or watching a movie which I have probably already seen. By myself. Because late night is DADDY TIME! It's me time! Never mind the fact that I wake up AFTER my kids (which is fucking horrible parenting). Never mind that if you go to bed at 2am and wake up your wife in the process, SHE WILL NEVER EVER SEX YOU (fact).

I mean really. I am smarter than this. It is bad for you to continually shortchange yourself in the sleep department. I could understand if I was out fighting fires or banging supermodels or doing something else useful or awesome, but the most interesting thing I do is play Scramble with Friends (which is ironic because random opponents ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS).

Sleeping less also leads to carb addiction, which is better than crack addiciton but probably not as exciting in the long run.

Anyway, from here on out, I will be in bed by 10pm on week nights and 11pm on Friday and Saturday nights. If I'm not, I had better have a damn good reason. And no, "OOOOH! The Matrix: Reloaded is on Spike!!!!" is not a good reason.

WE ANSWER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS FROM OUR READERS

"Technically they say you shouldn't eat within like 3-4 hours of bed. Nothing about 8pm (depending on when you go to sleep)." - DT

Those are probably scientists and dieticians and other people with self respect and dignity who can stop eating after they have had the amount of nutrition they need. Not me. I need a hard stop.

"I sense a book deal coming out of this. Ok ok, a book title." - Dark Cloud

Heh. I thought a lot about that idea last Friday. It seemed like the best idea in a while. I could start a blog and back date these posts and then parlay the posts into a book. So I started thinking about domains and web space and copyrights and intellectual property and the pressure of writing and then I got sleepy and took a nap. I feel much better now. What were we talking about?

"I am thinking of starting an anti-Subby-habit dynasty, where I start to do all the things he stops doing, one day at a time, for 30 days." - Chief Rum

I would love to see a dynasty where a person tried to pick up a bad habit every day for thirty days. 4) EAT CONTAINER OF CAKE ICING 5) AUTOEROTIC ASPHYXIATION WITH FILIPINO HOOKER MAID SERVICE CREW. There would be over/under betting on which day that person died. It would be way better than this shitty dynasty.

"Question: Do you have the 30 things identified? Or are you deciding on them as you go along?" - DT

No. That would require organization and planning. I am just manicuring King Kong's pubes right now. Machete out, hacking and slashing wherever I see unsightly growth.

[sterlingice]

If Behind the Music is any guide, Subby will peak in another few days with great progress. Then he won't post for a few days before a picture surfaces with him in front of a convenience store toilet, clock striking midnight with a giant spoon in one hand and an empty half gallon of ice cream in the other. Then he'll see the error of his ways and we'll have a redemption story. Finally, he'll finish up this dynasty, which will not be as popular as before and "fans" will all talk about how he sold out and how he sucks ever since gettting out of Ben and Jerry's rehab.

SI

[Autumn]

I'm loving this. I think a Bizarro thread of someone starting bad habits would be great. Let's take nominations for who it should be.

[Grover]

I'm loving this. I think a Bizarro thread of someone starting bad habits would be great. Let's take nominations for who it should be.

Day 28: Try heroin

[korme]

Trying heroin should definitely be Day 1. It will make the entire month that much more interesting/self-destructive

[Izulde]

The hilarity of this is totes awesome. Between this and DT's thread, we may see a new Golden Age of RL dynasties.

[BYU 14]

Please sell the rights to this thread to Steve Harvey!

[Swaggs]

I woke up with sheet lines all over my face. It was that good.



This made me laugh out loud for some reason. :)

Great thread. Briefly thought about it tonight when I got home at 9:00 PM and proceeded to consume about a 1000 calories in 45 seconds. Keep up the good work.

[Subby]

DAY SEVEN

I get home last night from my kids' dive meet and turn on the Nats game at 830pm. Most adults would do a few chores around the house or spend 10 minutes fixing the door frame to their bed room that has been broken for eight years, but fuck it. THAT SHIT WILL STILL BE BROKEN TOMORROW. God forbid I miss any second of the one hundred and sixty-two baseball games that will be played by my favorite team this year.

"Lazy, selfish fucking asshole is no way to go through life, son. Get your shit together and stop being a half man." - God, probably.

So anyway, It's the bottom of the 7th, Nats up 1-0. Game has been absolutely flying. They are up 2-0 and it's 9:30 and I am thinking - awesome - I will be able to be in bed by 10:00pm, no problem. Then creepy tongued Tyler Clippard gives up a fucking three run dong to the Mets and they go up 3-2 going into the bottom of the 9th. The Nats tie it at 3-3 and have the winning run at third but can't close the deal. FUCKING TYLER CLIPPARD

Then my 13 year-old emerges from the basement and look - I can't just miss out on this father son brotastic bonding moment. So we watch the rest of the game together, high five, arm wrestle (I lose - again) and finally I make my way up to bed at 10:35.

FAIL. Kind of....in the past I would have immediately switched to Taxicab Confessions (I NEED TO DO RESEARCH!) on demand and stayed up until midnight. The payoff came this morning when I actually got up at a reasonable time (550a) and had enough energy to ride my bike into work instead of drive. Biking to work good. Driving to work bad. I am usually less of an insufferable cocksucker when I bike to work - a fact which would probably make a killer tag line for TREK.

So, on to #7.

1. No soda. :thumbsup:
2. No Starbucks. :thumbsup:
3. No Convenience Stores. :thumbsup:
4. No ice cream. :thumbsup:
5. No eating after 8pm. :thumbsup:
6. No staying up late. :mad:
7. No cookies.

Here is what is alternately great and horrifying about my relationship with cookies. I am their fucking bitch. If you present a package of Golden Oreos to me, I will eat that package, five at a time, over a period of three hours. I will then feel nauseous, pass out in a calorie enraged slumber, wake up and then do it again (smack addicts have NOTHING on me). If I buy my lunch at work (another issue) I will invariably grab a cookie at the register and add it to my order. I HAVE TO REWARD MYSELF WITH A COOKIE. I DESERVE IT. IT IS HARD TO BE THIS SOFT.

Yesterday I bought a completely reasonable salad - spinach, red onions, mushrooms, cucumbers, croutons, shaved parm, walnuts, cranberries, balsamic dressing. Not a low calorie anorexia special by any means, but at the very least a HALF MAN SALAD. It will fill me up for hours. But that's not enough. Dumbass me has to grab a FUCKING ENORMOUS black and white cookie to top it off, likely adding another 500 calories to my lunch. Good call!

So from now on, the only cookie I will eat will be ones my wife makes. She makes fucking killer chocolate chip cookies and only does it every few months. And even then, I can only have two (NOT TEN).

No cookies and no ice cream and no convenience stores also now make it COMPLETELY IMPOSSIBLE to buy and snarf down those Toll House ice cream cookie sandwiches which are likely eight billion calories. Those are the best things ever. EVER.

WE ANSWER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS FROM OUR READERS

"If Behind the Music is any guide, Subby will peak in another few days with great progress. Then he won't post for a few days before a picture surfaces with him in front of a convenience store toilet, clock striking midnight with a giant spoon in one hand and an empty half gallon of ice cream in the other. Then he'll see the error of his ways and we'll have a redemption story. Finally, he'll finish up this dynasty, which will not be as popular as before and "fans" will all talk about how he sold out and how he sucks ever since getting out of Ben and Jerry's rehab." - SI

In a very amusing way, you have basically summed up my lifelong efforts at personal improvement. I don't know whether to laugh or set myself on fire.

"Great thread. Briefly thought about it tonight when I got home at 9:00 PM and proceeded to consume about a 1000 calories in 45 seconds. Keep up the good work." - Swaggs

Been there, brother. So. Many. Times.

[Marmel]

I love this thread!

I was starving last night at 8:45 pm. This is normally when I would make a PB&J, or run out to Dunkin for a donut, or whatever. But last night, I thought of you. And then an amazing thing happened. I drank a big glass of ice water and felt better. The hunger pangs came back at 11pm. Again, this is usually when I eat that 2nd donut I bought and then surf the net till 12:45 am. Again, I thought of you and realized nobody is dying tonight. I drank more water and went to bed. WTF???

[hoopsguy]

I'll be intrigued to see how many of these habits I can break at one time once the final list is published.

For example, I just had a Coke and two cookies at 9:30 AM this morning. If I was to do the same at 9:30 tonight I would be breaking 3 "Subby rules" at a time with an activity that would normally not elicit more than a, "hmm, this probably isn't my best idea" thought.

Clearly someone could one-up this by going to a convenience store at midnight to pick up the cookies/Coke ... this could become fun with 20+ rules.

[Autumn]

Yes, Hoops, good plan . We award points for how many rules you break with one action.

or we could all rate ourselves on a Chubby scale. Each day, when he's done, we could count how many of these things we did, and see who has the worst (or best) day.

[Chief Rum]

It's funny, actually, that you should be doing this now, from my own perspective. Just yesterday I made a decision to be hard on my time, less wasted time, more productive, both at work and outside of work, because I really feel I need to add a lot more discipline to my lifestyle.

It's not exactly the same sort of thing you're doing (for instance, I will probably continue to do things like drink soda, eat badly and post on Internet forums while at work; my goal will be moderation, not elimination), but there are definite cross-ideologies in play.

[Chief Rum]

I did four of Subby's seven yesterday. You could say it was five because I had an Oreo Ice Cream sandwich which is kinda like a cookie with ice cream in it. But I already count the Oreo Ice Cream sandwich under Ice Cream.

Also, technically, while I was up late (from midnight to 3 a.m.), I also napped from 9:30 p.m. to midnight, so, it's a justified, "up late".

So, yeah, 4 out of 7 yesterday.

[britrock88]

No soda, Starbucks, convenience stores, or cookies for me since Subby started the thread.

Subby, five Oreos at a time? Is that the serving size? I normally go three at a time (because the packages have three rows, I know there won't be any straggling Oreos). By the way, does anyone else out there eat snacks in specific quantities, or is that just a little OCD poking through in me?

Finally, Marmel, I'm proud of you. Water is the stuff of the earth.

[DavidCorperial]

Oh absolutely britrock, I generally do 2 cookies on each trip, the problem comes when you have to eat said cookies and other food in an even number of bites, usually 6 for me.

[Ksyrup]

The staying up late thing is definitely me. I'm not going to try to fight it, though, because my body only allows me to sleep about 5 or 6 hours, tops, a night. If I tried going to bed at 10pm, I'd be up at 3:30 or something. So I just stay up until midnight or 1 am, then my internal alarm clock only wakes me around 5:30 and my alarm is set for 6, so I'm good.

[Critch]

I did all seven of the Subby Vices yesterday and today I feel like shit, so let that be a lesson.

[Grover]

I love you, Subby.

[Autumn]

I was afraid this would happen. Chubby's next habit to break was coming to FOFC.

[digamma]

I was afraid this would happen. Chubby's next habit to break was coming to FOFC.

Task 1 changed to: Figure out how not to get confused with Chubby.

[Autumn]

lol, whoops. Whatever.

[Subby]

DAY EIGHT

Newsflash. My body and mind fucking hate me. Which is stupid, because if I die from having my heart seize up and explode out of my chest like a demonic alien baby, THEY GO TOO.

Here is an example of just how clever they think they are. Since I have said THANKS BUT NO THANKS to the temptations of Starbucks, I have purchased coffee at THREE OTHER breakfast establishments this week. So now I am giving myself permission to do shit I don't normally do - MAKING BAD NEW HABITS - because there are BAD OLD HABITS I am not allowed.

Thirty days from now you are going to find me in my underwear in an empty room, chewing on nuts and berries and yelling at my butler robot to keep rubbing my feet (NEED BETTER CIRCULATION).

Yesterday I was actually getting worried that I was going to have trouble filling out a list of 30 things, but now I am wondering if I should even stop at 30. For fuck's sake, I go to the Nats game with my kid last night and swallow a huge cup of fries (NOT ON THE LIST), and drink three beers in seven innings (NOT ON THE LIST), and hit on an usher (NOT ON THE LIST). I mean - can I just act like the non-excessive, simple, goat farmer? A man with quiet dignity and a singular purpose in life? DO I HAVE TO FUCK EVERY GOAT???

Even worse, I get home at just after 10ish last night, and like a good little soldier, hunker down in bed and probably drift off to sleep at around 1045pm. I DREAM ALL NIGHT and wake up at 7:30 am. A great fucking night of sleep. EIGHT HOURS! No one gets eight hours anymore except for maybe infants and male lions. But I feel as if I have taken a tranq dart in the neck and I can barely get out of bed. WHAT THE FUCK? I am supposed to feel rested and rejuvenated. I stumble around like an idiot, late for work, have to drive to the office instead of take my bike. Bad traffic. At desk by 9:30am. Day over. IT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO GO LIKE THIS. So now I have to consider my bad habit of getting up late. GODDAMMIT, I CANNOT WIN.

On the good side though. I actually stuck with my list. Every single one (I'm counting the going to bed thing because even though it was technically after 10pm, I was in bed almost the second I got home - normally I would have stayed up doing meaningless shit for 2 hours).

So on to the next item. I could do something easy like NO WHITE CHOCOLATE, but I need to make a dent in what has become a costly habit in a number of ways:

1. No soda. :thumbsup:
2. No Starbucks. :thumbsup:
3. No Convenience Stores. :thumbsup:
4. No ice cream. :thumbsup:
5. No eating after 8pm. :thumbsup:
6. No staying up late. :thumbsup:
7. No cookies. :thumbsup:
8. No buying breakfast.

Oh, I guess my ASSHOLE, BETRAYING brain didn't see that one coming. Guess what? You have to eat at home during the week or bring your breakfast to work. OR STARVE (it's ok, you probably should die at this point).

Seriously. If I was getting a banana and a juice every morning, that would be one thing. It is quite another to get what I got this morning (I am having a hard time typing this with a straight face because it is so FUCKING GLUTTONOUS that it doesn't even seem real). Large coffee, large mango orange juice, egg, cheese, bacon, avocado breakfast sandwich, cinnamon scone. Just patently insane. God forbid I have a bowl of cereal or steel cut oats or MAKE THAT FUCKING SANDWICH FOR WHICH I JUST PAID $5. I wasn't even hungry when I ate that scone. Maybe I just need to set my wallet on fire and move to the trade and barter system.

Breakfast might be the biggest eating out scam going anyway. If we are at a travel baseball tournament, fine. But if we are at home, there is no good reason to go out to eat for FREAKING BREAKFAST. We went out to brunch for Father's Day and it was $100 for the family. MONEY WELL SPENT.

So, no breakfasts out. YOUR MOVE, BRAIN.

WE ANSWER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS FROM OUR READERS

"I was starving last night at 8:45 pm. This is normally when I would make a PB&J, or run out to Dunkin for a donut, or whatever. But last night, I thought of you. And then an amazing thing happened. I drank a big glass of ice water and felt better. The hunger pangs came back at 11pm. Again, this is usually when I eat that 2nd donut I bought and then surf the net till 12:45 am. Again, I thought of you and realized nobody is dying tonight. I drank more water and went to bed. WTF??? - Marmel"

I can't really take credit for this. This whole thing is actually plagiarized from the book 30 Steps to Banging Hot College Girls. Looks like you are well on your way!

"Clearly someone could one-up this by going to a convenience store at midnight to pick up the cookies/Coke ... this could become fun with 20+ rules." - hoopsguy

I would be pretty excited to see this kind of competition. And I certainly wouldn't be above upping the fun factor by making number 30) DO NOT GET ARRESTED.

"Subby, five Oreos at a time? Is that the serving size? I normally go three at a time (because the packages have three rows, I know there won't be any straggling Oreos). By the way, does anyone else out there eat snacks in specific quantities, or is that just a little OCD poking through in me?" -britrock

This is how many I can lift at once from the package with my thumb and forefinger. If I could lift eighteen, I would lift eighteen. If I could unhinge my jaw, I would eat eighteen. I am just limited in my complete and utter slobbishness by basic physiology.

"Task 1 changed to: Figure out how not to get confused with Chubby." - digamma

I just thought he was CALLING me chubby - which would be completely appropriate.

[sterlingice]

How many ratings does it take to get a thread rated? I thought I put in 5 stars the other day but it gave the thread 3 stars. Does that mean someone had already given it a 1 or that I incompetently gave it 3?

SI

[Masked]

Like many others, I identify with many of the failings Subby has posted (alas I couldn't run a marathon no matter how much money was at stake).

I do okay with breakfast until someone brings a box of donuts into work. There are plenty for everyone, but I still see the others cutting a donut in half in a show of restraint. Meanwhile, I *must* grab an entire donut, and then *must* refill my coffee or water bottle 30 minutes later giving me an another excuse to head down to the kitchen. Clearly, I know I should be ashamed (e.g. the need for an excuse), but I'm unable to stop. Maybe I hungry when I grabbed the first one, but certainly not for the second.

[sterlingice]

Cutting a donut in half? That almost seems more like for show than restraint

SI

[Subby]

DAY NINE

I could go outside, RIGHT NOW, and wrestle a fucking dinosaur into submission. That is how fucking amazing I feel today. Now I know how healthy people feel. I seriously cannot imagine feeling like this ALL OF THE TIME. No wonder healthy people are so fucking annoying. If I felt as good as I do right now, I would be like Gwyneth Paltrow to the SEVENTH POWER annoying (I would also finger myself 24x7). Wait..what? Oh. LIKE Gwyneth. Got it.

Anyway, I crushed my list yesterday. No coffee, no soda, no cookies, got to bed on time, made my breakfast this morning, biked in to work. I did club a gay baby seal at one point, but otherwise, A+. If I feel this good right now, it actually makes me wonder a little bit about my true capabilities. What can I accomplish when I am not in a diabetic coma, drooling on my keyboard at midnight after just having eaten three bowls of VERY DELICIOUS frosted mini-wheats.

Am I still chubby? Yup. Am I still middle-aged? Fuck yeah. Do I have the muscle tone of an infant? Oh dear god yes. But, I don't know. As long as I don't look in the mirror, I am pretty happy and very energized. DON'T WORRY, IT WON'T LAST.

Moving on.

1. No soda. :thumbsup:
2. No Starbucks. :thumbsup:
3. No Convenience Stores. :thumbsup:
4. No ice cream. :thumbsup:
5. No eating after 8pm. :thumbsup:
6. No staying up late. :thumbsup:
7. No cookies. :thumbsup:
8. No buying breakfast. :thumbsup:
9. No candy bars.

I was hoping #3 would take care of my completely disgusting candy bar fetish (no, I don't shove them in my asshole). Unfortunately, my COMPLETELY CUNNING brain discovered that they also sell candy bars at grocery stores (which I am currently allowed to enter). In the OLD DAYS (aka two weeks ago) I would occasionally grab three candy bars "for the road". Why? Because after eating the first one I would be sad that it was all gone. So sad for me. OH WAIT! I BOUGHT ANOTHER ONE! Then I would happily eat the second one. MOTHERFUCKING AWESOME SUGAR RUSH GOD SO GOOD PLEASE DO NOT EVER EVER END!!!!! Hmmmm. Good feeling gone. Must get it back. Feel kind of weird. Body sweating now. Maybe third candy bar will fix this. NUM NUM BLORP GROMP.

Now my body is pissed. My foot starts aching. I plot evil. I scream at other drivers. I DO NOT EVER WANT TO EAT ANOTHER CANDY BAR EVER AGAIN. The self loathing is so thick you could drown it in fudge sauce. I get the weird kind of higher consciousness where you can see yourself acting like a complete asshole BUT YOU ARE COMPLETELY HELPLESS TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

And really, what is the point of candy bars any way? Taste. Not nutrition - unless maybe you lived in Appalachia and your only other choice was combos or hot pockets. Do you really need to eat an ENTIRE candy bar to get that sense of taste? Maybe its better to just get a little taste. I don't know. Unfortunately, when alone, I can't eat (or buy) just one. And I can honestly say that there has never, ever, been a time when I died from not eating one. So, lifetime quota of candy bars: met at age 41.

WE ANSWER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS FROM OUR READERS

"How many ratings does it take to get a thread rated? I thought I put in 5 stars the other day but it gave the thread 3 stars. Does that mean someone had already given it a 1 or that I incompetently gave it 3?" - SI

I don't know the answer but I didn't even know it was a possibility, either. In order to help you out, I selflessly used my vote to also give this thread five stars. It will now be very hard for them to deny me a huge advance on the book deal which they also cannot now deny to me.

"You should consider adding the following items 'Stop being a lazy sack of no chore doing shit around the house' and 'Stop pretending to not know how a hammer works'." - wife

Hey now. This is about me. Once I get this right (points to heart) I can get this right (points to wife and me). Amiright? (fingergunz)

"fuck you" - wife

Yes dear.

[sterlingice]

I can't wait for "no swearing" day. Wait, there won't be a post.

Or it will be like that episode of the Simpsons where Mr Burns tells Lenny that he's going to fire him but will be sporting and give him a chance to make his case without using the letter "e" and you get something like "I... am... a... good... work-- guy..." before Burns opens up a trap door below him.

SI

[digamma]

Do we do this on weekends or do you give yourself one of those Jenny Craig holidays each week?

[primelord]

I've always known I had a deep love for Subby, but until now was not sure what the source of that love was.

It turns out we are apparently the exact same person.

[DaddyTorgo]

Do we do this on weekends or do you give yourself one of those Jenny Craig holidays each week?

I think Subby said after last weekend that he abides by the rules on the weekend, but will only do one recap, since he has lots of drinking and whoring and such to do on the weekends. Or was it kids sporting events and chores? I forget.

[miked]

Is your wife overly pleased with the new you and supporting it in a way a wife should...with more nookie? Also, alot of these are quite specific and are probably going to get broader as you go along. I mean, like you said earlier, you can stop going to Starbucks but what about Dunkin or other coffee places. Likewise, no candy bars is an awesome goal, but won't you just replace it with like little debbie cakes in the checkout line or something silly?

[britrock88]

Probably better that they're specific so that they're more attainable. Humans have a habit-forming nature; it'd be tough to go cold turkey on 30 significant aspects of one's life. But if he can replace candy bars with Little Debbie cakes for a few weeks, maybe then he can come back around and wean himself from Little Debbie cakes.

[Subby]

DAY 10

Weekends are brutal. I would posit that it is like a recovering coke addict heading back to Studio 57 after a month in rehab. All week long I am in a controlled environment where I get up, go to work, return from work and spend the night in my house. On the weekend, way different. Drive small humans around to random sporting events. Go to big box retailers. SLOWLY DRIVE BY CONVENIENCE STORES.

Sometimes your mind plays tricks on you. Sometimes you walk into a Cold Stone Creamery because getting the ice cream with the family is A-OK. Sometines you order the COFFEE COCK GOBBLER XPLOSION because in order to feel whole you have to consume coffee in every form available. THAT'S OKAY, YOU AREN'T AT STARBUCKS. CHECK! Sometimes you get ahead of yourself and order the size they call I FUCKING LOVE IT because for the love of god you DO LOVE coffee ice creams and caramel and heath bars and for fucks sake THESE THINGS AREN'T ON THE NO NO LIST.

NOM NOM GLORP SNARP

Then you realize, you stupid fucker, you just ordered the Cold Stone Crackhead equivalent of a large, violating shitty habit commandment #4 (no ice cream, except when out with family, and then only a small). Oh and those delicious little Heath Bar pieces in there? CANDY BARS (#9).

So I do what any normal chubby suburban middle aged guy would do, I jam my fist down my throat and bulimicize the sidewalk next to my car. And then I wake up from my sugar induced coma realizing that was just a dream and its too fucking late to undo the damage.

That was Saturday. The upside of Saturday was I managed to follow all of my other rules. In fact, I went to a Nats game that evening and had a few beers (ALLOWED) and had half a thing of Boardwalk Fries (NOT BANNED YET) and it was still just 8:45p. Wait. DAMMIT. ANOTHER RULE BROKEN.

In this case, I am giving myself a break though, since my bed time is 11pm on weekends, so I can probably bump my no eating after 8pm rule to 9pm. But I have to tighten up a little. Got home a little late from the game too, but was in bed pretty quick.

Questionable stuff I did this weekend that is not yet on the list: ate out at Famous Dave's, ate out at Chipotle, ate out at Cold Stone Creamery, ate out at Nats Park, got Bagels for our house guests at Chesapeake Bagel Bakery (technically, ANOTHER RULE BROKEN), got takeout from Listrani's Italian. Sensing a pattern here? Me either. There is no pattern, because weekends are fucked and unpredictable. But at least there's a bright side. I really didn't stay up late. I didn't eat ice cream every day. I stayed out of Starbucks. I didn't touch soda. I DID NOT ENTER A CONVENIENCE STORE.

Any other weekend, I would be a 120 oz deep in Coke Zero, $20 deep into Starbucks, and balls deep into a pint of Ben & Jerry's. Small victories.

ON TO THE NEXT ONE (and Sunday was almost perfect, so one angr face)

1. No soda. :thumbsup:
2. No Starbucks. :thumbsup:
3. No Convenience Stores. :thumbsup:
4. No ice cream. :thumbsup:
5. No eating after 8pm. :thumbsup:
6. No staying up late. :thumbsup:
7. No cookies. :thumbsup:
8. No buying breakfast. :mad: (Chesapeake Bagel Bakery carry out)
9. No candy bars.:thumbsup:
10. No gorging pizza (2 pieces per day)

You thought I would give up pizza? What do I look like? An anorexic supermodel that hates herself? I am not giving up pizza. I am giving up being a disgusting twat. Because what I normally do is eat 4-5 pieces. Friday night I had three pieces and would have had two more if my body hadn't tricked me by FALLING ASLEEP IN THE LAZBOY. Dear. God. My body has NO OTHER DEFENSE.

There is never going to be any reason that I need to eat more than two pieces of pizza. EVER. Still hungry? FUCK YOU. YOU JUST ATE SIX HUNDRED CALORIES, MINIMUM. Love the taste? EAT SLOWER, NOM NOM BOT. If I keel over because I didn't eat that third piece of pizza, then I probably am not meant to live a full life anyway. The third piece of pizza serves absolutely no purpose other than to confirm that I am an undisciplined piece of shit. I mean, not to set my man card on fire or anything, but am I going to turn to a life of swapping macrame afghans if I supplement my pizza with a salad once in a while?

Yes, when made the right way, pizza is probably the best food ever. But they make BILLIONS OF IT. I don't have to eat it all at once. Just two pieces. Slowly. Take a deep breath.

WE ANSWER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS FROM OUR READERS

"Is your wife overly pleased with the new you and supporting it in a way a wife should...with more nookie?" - miked

That will probably correspond with 17) Stop being a fatass.

"I do okay with breakfast until someone brings a box of donuts into work. There are plenty for everyone, but I still see the others cutting a donut in half in a show of restraint. Meanwhile, I *must* grab an entire donut, and then *must* refill my coffee or water bottle 30 minutes later giving me an another excuse to head down to the kitchen. Clearly, I know I should be ashamed (e.g. the need for an excuse), but I'm unable to stop. Maybe I hungry when I grabbed the first one, but certainly not for the second." - Masked

People who cut donuts in half are fucking psychopaths. You are way ahead of the game.

"It turns out we are apparently the exact same person." - primelord

I got a ticket the other day for waiting a month to get my car inspected and I thought that I might just be the most lazy procrastinating asshole in the world. Then I remembered all the awesome stories you have told me about some of your stuff and I knew I had a soul brother #1 out there.

"Also, alot of these are quite specific and are probably going to get broader as you go along. I mean, like you said earlier, you can stop going to Starbucks but what about Dunkin or other coffee places. Likewise, no candy bars is an awesome goal, but won't you just replace it with like little debbie cakes in the checkout line or something silly?" - miked

Dunkin donuts coffee tastes like donkey cock. There is no way I could drink that. But point taken. I'll take this list to 9000 if I have to do it.

[Subby]

DAY ELEVEN

You know you are doing well when the best you can muster is: OH FUCK I JUST MISSED MY SUNDAY NIGHT BED TIME!

For me however, that has pretty serious consequences. The later I go to bed, the later I sleep. The later I sleep, the less good shit happens to me. How hard is it to put feet on the floor, take a whizz, and go downstairs to make coffee? Why can't I do that? It's because I'm too tired. REALLY? As tired as who, exactly? YOU HAVE A WHITE COLLAR JOB. I should try standing at a register at Home Depot all day. I AM TOO TIRED BECAUSE I SAT ON MY ASS ALL DAY YESTERDAY. Whoo boy. THUG LYFE.

I absolutely have got to get to bed - no more of this bullshit of being in my room near the appointed hour. No more "OH BUT THE GAME IS ON". I have a DVR. If it runs over, tough titties. Just watch the rest of the game in the morning. Stumbling out of my house at 8:30pm means I don't have time to bike to work and I get to work after all the important people. And when you get to work after all the important people, you look like a slacker. And when you look like a slacker, you get passed over for bonuses and promotions. And when you get passed over for bonuses and promotions, you can't make ends meet. When you can't make ends meet, you create a store on Etsy that sells hats for mice. DON'T CREATE A STORE ON ETSY THAT SELLS HATS FOR MICE. Go to bed on time. Don't make me create a stupid rule that you MUST get out of bed by a certain time.

1. No soda. :thumbsup:
2. No Starbucks. :thumbsup:
3. No Convenience Stores. :thumbsup:
4. No ice cream. :thumbsup:
5. No eating after 8pm. :thumbsup:
6. No staying up late. :mad:
7. No cookies. :thumbsup:
8. No buying breakfast. :thumbsup:
9. No candy bars.:thumbsup:
10. No gorging pizza :thumbsup:
11. No eating anything located in work kitchen.

Oh work kitchen. You cunning whore. You are barren FOR DAYS and then one day I walk in there and a tray of brownies is sitting on the counter. OUT OF NO WHERE. Sure I just ate, but hey I don't mind if I do! MMMM NUM NUM THIS IS GOOD! There are a ton left, so I will have another! OH GOD SOOOOO GOOD! ONE MORE! Someone is coming! Quick! Wrap two brownies in a napkin and put it in your pocket and go to your office and EAT MORE OF THESE.

Today there is a tin of salted nuts in there. Last week there was a leftover cake. During Halloween everyone brings in their leftover candy. I EAT ALL OF IT. There is also microwave popcorn in there. It is horrible, but I will eat it. You could probably put whipped cream on a gorilla dong and if it was on the counter in our work kitchen I would take a bite of it. MMMM GORILLA DONG GOOD.

So now, because I am an out of control moron, the work kitchen is off limits. I can store my food in the fridge and drink the shitty coffee, but that's it.

YOUR MOVE, BRAIN'S PLEASURE CENTER.

[sterlingice]

So, usually my wife's responses to me chuckling about something on my laptop is a slightly dismissive "something on the message board?" And if I start reading something to her from FOFC, you can set a clock to how long it will take her eyes to glaze over and politely humor me tho you know she's long since stopped caring (17 seconds, for the record). However, with this thread, after I showed her, I dunno- day 3 or whatever, she's asked on no less than 3 occasions "So what's the Bad Habit guy quitting today."

So, to you I dedicate this image I found in the Random Images thread like 100 pages ago:
http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y268/sterlingice/random/carnivore.jpg

SI

[Subby]

DAY TWELVE

Last night I ate a really good cheeseburger and really good french fries from a place called The Burger Joint. I did not get a soda or a milkshake. But then I "ate" (destroyed?) them by myself, in my car while I was driving from work to a swim meet. I felt like a total dolt, leaning down, eating like a deathrow inmate at every stoplight, shoving french fries down my FRENCH FRY CRUSHER so that I would be finished before I got to my destination. The whole driving and eating thing is crazy and I do it a lot. Not as much as I used to since I am not allowed in SBUX or convenience stores, but as evidenced by last night, it happens. Is there anything worse than pulling up to a stop light and looking over and seeing a middle aged guy wolfing down a cheeseburger and fries? The self loathing really sets the mood. There is probably a thin sheen of perspiration involved. If I was a long range trucker, that would be one thing, but the most I am in the car is an hour. DO I HAVE TO EAT? Do I really want one of those hoarder cars that is like stuffed to the gills with fast food bags and fry tips? Eating in your car while still in your state is a sign of horrific desperation. Oh my god if I do not eat RIGHT FUCKING NOW I will be SO WEAKENED that I will arrive at my destination and be UNABLE TO EMERGE FROM MY VEHICLE.

So cheeseburger, good. Fries good. Together? Maybe not so good. JAM IN FACE WHILE CAR? Fuck no.

1. No soda. :thumbsup:
2. No Starbucks. :thumbsup:
3. No Convenience Stores. :thumbsup:
4. No ice cream. :thumbsup:
5. No eating after 8pm. :thumbsup:
6. No staying up late. :mad:
7. No cookies. :thumbsup:
8. No buying breakfast. :thumbsup:
9. No candy bars.:thumbsup:
10. No gorging pizza :thumbsup:
11. No food from work kitchen.:thumbsup:
12. No sleeping in (out of bed at 6am).

I once again missed getting to bed on time last night, waking up this morning at 715am. This is ridiculous. From now on, weekday or weekend, I am waking up at 600am. When you wake up late, that leaves you no time for good stuff like breakfast and coffee at home, taking the dog out, exercising, seeing kids in a non HURRY THE FUCK UP TIME TO GO scenario. Plus it just FEELS lazy. Sleeping in is for the unemployed and/or hardcore gamers. I'm 41 ffs and don't fit either category. Be a man, not a half man, and get the fuck out of bed.

WE TAKE QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS FROM OUR READERS

"So, usually my wife's responses to me chuckling about something on my laptop is a slightly dismissive "something on the message board?" And if I start reading something to her from FOFC, you can set a clock to how long it will take her eyes to glaze over and politely humor me tho you know she's long since stopped caring (17 seconds, for the record). However, with this thread, after I showed her, I dunno- day 3 or whatever, she's asked on no less than 3 occasions "So what's the Bad Habit guy quitting today." - SI

I think this is a dynasty that wives can get behind. I think that in a recent Harris Poll, 87% of wives polled found their husband "more than average" disgusting.

In that vein, I made the mistake of showing this to my wife the other night. NOW there is a lot of pressure because she wants to read it every day. AND she told my sister about it, so my entire family now knows that I am a fat, profane, half-man that posts blogs on message boards for text sim enthusiasts. #winning? Plus I can't give it up porn because then my wife will then know that I watch porn. So now I have to pretend that I don't watch porn. I mean The Wiggles.

[Autumn]

Perhaps we can use some euphemisms for porn. The Wiggles is a good start. But we'll need different ones for different genres. I suggest "You Can't Do That On Television" for bukakke porn.

I often wonder how many people get in accidents because they were trying to eat something while driving. But of course they never admit that. Whenever I'm eating in the car I realize how easy it would be -- you really need to steer around that braking car, but it would mean having to drop your sandwich! Better put the sandwich down fir---CRASH. "I don't know what happened, Officer."

[Grover]

Perhaps we can use some euphemisms for porn. The Wiggles is a good start. But we'll need different ones for different genres. I suggest "You Can't Do That On Television" for bukakke porn.


So the girl gets "slimed" when she says "What?"

[sterlingice]

So, I have had to be careful about reading this at work during breaks. I have recently had a new person move into my office and I didn't want to have to explain why I couldn't control my snickering at "MMMM GORILLA DONG GOOD".

SI

[Subby]

DAY THIRTEEN

The thing about cutting shit out of your life is that it empowers you to do really stupid things. HEY IF I CAN CUT OUT COOKIES, I CAN PROBABLY FREE CLIMB THIS ROCK WALL! No. You can't. I mean, you can free climb the rockwall to about 7 feet and then fall on your tailbone and rupture a manboob. And probably pee a little blood. But you have to be careful. Ending so many bad habits at one time really does make you think you can do anything. You get these weird rushes of euphoria. You are happier and chattier. You are funnier. Ego gets bigger. You hit on the intern. LAWSUIT. FIRED. Back to sucking down entire packages on 7-11 cookies in one sitting on the drive home (yes, I have done this).

Best to pace yourself. Look in the mirror (YUP, STILL FAT!) and stay steady. A lot of the most successful people never get too high (I AM A GOLDEN COCKED GOD) or too low (OH NO DRAMAWHORE IS CRYING AGAIN!) Stay in the middle, stay incremental, stay steady. Next thing you know, you will go to bed not having done a metric fucton of the bad shit that used to derail you.

The past 24 hours was like that for me. I mean, I am to the point where I don't even THINK about drinking soda or going into Starbucks. Every day it becomes closer and closer to second nature. I worry that one of these days I am going to accidentally make myself a root beer float and wash it down with a delicious plate-sized cookie. And then start sobbing. Steady as she goes. Until tomorrow at least.

NEXT

1. No soda. :thumbsup:
2. No Starbucks. :thumbsup:
3. No Convenience Stores. :thumbsup:
4. No ice cream. :thumbsup:
5. No eating after 8pm. :thumbsup:
6. No staying up late. :thumbsup:
7. No cookies. :thumbsup:
8. No buying breakfast. :thumbsup:
9. No candy bars.:thumbsup:
10. No gorging pizza :thumbsup:
11. No food from work kitchen.:thumbsup:
12. No sleeping in (out of bed at 6am). :thumbsup:
13. No skipping exercise.

OH GREAT I KNEW THIS WAS A WEIGHT-LOSS DYNASTY IN DISGUISE.

Do I need to lose weight? Yes. Have I lost massive amounts of weight before? Yes again. In fact, I have been as light as 163 pounds (2007) but now tip the scales at 216. Do I want to stop being a disgusting fatass that can't/won't/really shouldn't take his shirt off in public. Of course.

I just can't do the weight-loss dynasty again, though. Weighing myself every day, counting all my stupid calories. That works for some people, but I've done it three times now and I am not doing it again. There are so many adult males out there (LIKE ME) that just look like they have given up. Huge stomachs. Golf shirts. Ill-fitting khakis. Or maybe an ironic t-shirt and cargo shorts on the weekend. DOUBLE XL PLEASE. I'M HUSKY.

My main problem is that I am lazy as shit. If given the opportunity, I would lay around all day and watch television. I would sit in front of the computer for eight straight hours. Time to eat? GET SOMETHING DELIVERED. I will also go weeks without exercising. My heart probably going to pull an ICBM and explode out of my chest on its way to destroying an enemy city. Why not exercise? it won't fucking kill you to do 30 minutes of cardio every day. You make time to be on the computer for 300 minutes. Do you REALLY need to see something clever on the Internet? RIGHT NOW? No, you don't. You need to stop being a lazy fuck and go do something for a minimum of thirty minutes.

Cut out bad habits. Cardio for 30 minutes. Repeat. Still die? Yes.

WE ANSWER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS FROM OUR READERS

"bukakke porn" - Autumn

LOLWUT? I don't know what that is. But next time I play Yahtzee with my relatives I will definitely yell BUUUKAKKE! Sounds like something a samurai would say.

"Whenever I'm eating in the car I realize how easy it would be -- you really need to steer around that braking car, but it would mean having to drop your sandwich! Better put the sandwich down fir---CRASH. "I don't know what happened, Officer."" - AUTUMN

My level of idiocy exceeds that. I insist on bringing my ENTIRE coffee pot in the car with my coffee MUG (NOT travel mug). Sometimes I throw in an egg sandwich for fun. I am pretty sure I have run over a few hobos. But I am CERTAIN, that I have spilled the entire pot of coffee in my car. At least twice. BUT AT LEAST I GOT MY BREAKFAST.

"So, I have had to be careful about reading this at work during breaks. I have recently had a new person move into my office and I didn't want to have to explain why I couldn't control my snickering at "MMMM GORILLA DONG GOOD"." - SI

We got a bull penis chewie for our dog and it was the worst thing ever. It totally smelled like bull penis. We've never gotten it again. I bet Gorilla dong is worse though.

[heybrad]

Huge stomachs. Golf shirts. Ill-fitting khakis. Or maybe an ironic t-shirt and cargo shorts on the weekend. DOUBLE XL PLEASE. I'M HUSKY.
I didn't want to be the 10th guy to pop in and say, "We're the same!!!", but Jesus H dude... it's like you have a hidden camera on me or something.

[MacroGuru]

I didn't want to be the 10th guy to pop in and say, "We're the same!!!", but Jesus H dude... it's like you have a hidden camera on me or something.

Hey Brad.... Me too....

[cuervo72]

Darnit, I took today off and decided to rest my legs rather than go to the Y between running days on Tue/Thur.

[Lathum]

I too am like Subby in almost all these ways

1. No soda.- I don't drink it a ton but if it is here I will, so my wife just doesn't let us buy it, but I find ways around that. If it was free at work I would be an addict like I used to be when it was, free at work.

2. No Starbucks.- never been a fan

3. No Convenience Stores.- I am dreadful with this. There is a gas station by my sons daycare and I go there all the time. It is to the point where the clerk knows way more about me than he should. I often find myself eating a bag of cheetos and drinking a diet coke at 7 AM.

4. No ice cream.- much like soda if it is here I will eat it. Fast.

5. No eating after 8pm.- like a lot of people with young kids after he goes to bed around 8 we unwind and watch TV. And eat like crap.

6. No staying up late.- I am incapable of doing this

7. No cookies.-One isn't enough, there is a dollar store right by work and that is a bad, bad, place.

8. No buying breakfast.- I do this a couple of times a week and it is totally unnecessary. Not only is there a kitchen in my home, but one at work as well.

9. No candy bars.- purchased often at convenience store.

10. No gorging pizza- my company is big on buying lunch for us, at least once a week we get pizza brought in. I always eat 4 slices. Because it is free.

11. No food from work kitchen.- there is a girl who works in another office who every time she has to come to my office she brings baked goods. While appreciated the problem is she is transferring to my office next month. I'm frightened.

12. No sleeping in (out of bed at 6am). I have a 2 year old, sleeping in doesn't happen.

[britrock88]

163/216... How tall are you and what's your build?

As for getting cardio-type exercise, I find it WAY more preferable to do something like play pick-up volleyball or basketball for 2-3 hours a week. I probably have an easy time of finding pick-up games on a college campus, but playing a sport with purpose beats the heck out of pounding feet on a treadmill or something.

[Critch]

You're giving up the very few things that make life worth living when you're middle aged.

If you add cheese and beer to the list, there'll be nothing left.

[Subby]

DAY FOURTEEN

So yesterday I ran 20 miles. I ran to work in the morning (11.1) and then took a different route home in the evening (9.6). I biked into work this morning.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?

I have a stupid bet with this woman in the office that is a SIDE BET of a larger bet we made at the beginning of the summer. The big bet is that starting June 1, we (two colleagues of mine and me) had to run 175 miles by the end of July OR pay $80 to the other two participants. EASY. Of course, being the procrastinating PIECE OF SHIT that I am, I had run all of 44 miles by July 23rd. The woman in the lead had 67 and was taunting me. I WILL NOT ABIDE TAUNTING. So I make a stupid bet of like $10 that I will have more total mileage than her at the end of the day on July 31st. It's not about the money, of course, it's about PAYING THE MONEY. I will not ever EVER pay money out for running challenges. Why? Because that part of my brain has not fully formed and I have no problem running myself into Grade 5 coma if it means NOT LOSING a bet. I don't even care about winning. I just don't want to lose and fork over anything.

So I ran 20 miles and change yesterday. Double chin, manboobs, everything. What the hell would I be capable of if I could shed 50 pounds (AKA A SMALL THIRD GRADER). I am basically carrying an elementary school student in my body. That's how fat I am. I can't even imagine the kind of ass I could kick if I lost 50 pounds. Twenty miles? Fuck that. I lose 50 pounds and I can run 20 miles, blow up a meth lab, and impregnate a female senator (yes I know they are all menopausal. THAT'S HOW FUCKING AWESOME I WOULD BE).

So that's all just a fancy way of saying that I worked out the last two days.

ON TO THE NEXT TURRIBULL HABIT

1. No soda. :thumbsup:
2. No Starbucks. :thumbsup:
3. No Convenience Stores. :thumbsup:
4. No ice cream. :thumbsup:
5. No eating after 8pm. :thumbsup:
6. No staying up late. :thumbsup:
7. No cookies. :thumbsup:
8. No buying breakfast. :thumbsup:
9. No candy bars.:thumbsup:
10. No gorging pizza :thumbsup:
11. No food from work kitchen.:thumbsup:
12. No sleeping in (out of bed at 6am). :thumbsup:
13. No skipping exercise.:thumbsup:
14. No sports drinks

I love seeing big fat guys grabbing a gatorade and a bag of fritos to go with their footlong sub. HEY GOING TO WORK OUT THERE, USAIN? Holy shit, I just crushed those stairs going to my kid's school GET ME A VITAMIN WATER. IT IS BETTER THAN REGULAR WATER BECAUSE IT HAS VITAMINS AND SUGAR.

If I am getting my nutrition from a sports drink, then I am fucked anyway. It sucks too, because they make Vitamin water and Gatorade SO GAWDAMNN TASTY. I could drink that red vitamin water every fucking day. But it's expensive and high calorie. And the low calorie/zero calorie tastes like Zima. And everyone knows Zima tastes like deer urine.

Plus I am convinced that shit makes your teeth weak. Weak teeth, manboobs, and small hands. WHO IS GETTING MOIST HERE? HMMMM?

Look, if you are going to work out or play hard for 45 minutes or more that's one thing. But as a casual drink, why? You knew once they started providing gatorade as a fountain drink at 7-11 that it was as shitty as the rest of the sodas and slurpees.

So from now on, I am not drinking that shit. Unless I buy the powder and mix it up myself (LIKE A BOSS) and drink it after I burn 500+ calories during exercise.

WE ANSWER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS FROM OUR READERS

"I didn't want to be the 10th guy to pop in and say, "We're the same!!!", but Jesus H dude... it's like you have a hidden camera on me or something." - heybrad

No one WANTS to look like this or dress like this (unless they have Aspberger's and even then...). I have vivid memories of walking back to my office, huge bag of carry-out lunch in had, when I catch a glimpse of my reflection in a window. I almost always hate what is starring back. Out of shape, poorly dressed, 1,200 calories waiting to be ingested. WAY TO STEP UP YOUR GAME, PLAYER! SUCCESS IS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER! Then I play a little mental game and try and spot all the middle-aged losers that look even worse than me. Because hey - if I'm not the absolute WORST, I'm still ahead of the game! #winning.

"Darnit, I took today off and decided to rest my legs rather than go to the Y between running days on Tue/Thur. - cuervo"

I used to be a big fan of rest days. Then I would use those days to eat 4,000 calories and negate everything I did the previous day. CUNNING. There is nothing worse than working out when you are full of food (AND SHITTING YOUR PANTS WHOOPS!), so for me it is usually means I eat less on days when I know I am going to exercise.

"I too am like Subby in almost all these ways" - Lathum

I would never try and get rid of bad habits if I had small kids. Bad habits are the only thing that get you through having to change diapers. That said - Cheetohs and Diet Coke at 7am? You're better than that.

"As for getting cardio-type exercise, I find it WAY more preferable to do something like play pick-up volleyball or basketball for 2-3 hours a week. I probably have an easy time of finding pick-up games on a college campus, but playing a sport with purpose beats the heck out of pounding feet on a treadmill or something." - britrock

I'm 5'10 with a medium build. A/S/L?

As far as exercise is concerned, I suck at sports, so playing anything in a group setting is usually just a massive exercise in failure and humiliation. The only thing I like to do is run (outside - treadmills are for psychos). I also bought a bike at the beginning of the year to commute to work (which I can tolerate). Running is what I do though. If I couldn't run then I would be completely fucked.

"You're giving up the very few things that make life worth living when you're middle aged. If you add cheese and beer to the list, there'll be nothing left." -critch
See, I think I am adding stuff that DOESN'T MATTER. I have not removed alcohol. Or liquid cocaine. Or casual sex with sorrority girls. Those things make life worth living. Beer, yes! Cheese, yes! CARAMEL WAFFLE COOKIES FROM EXXON QUICK MART? No.

[britrock88]

23/M/NC. But I really was trying to put your weight into context; I'm no creepy Internet denizen. (Well, not for that reason, anyway.)

Congrats on having the fortitude to enjoy running on its own. I'll also vouch for biking being nice.

And good choice on the sports drinks. Too much sugar for the salt you get. Pity that salt tablets have fallen out of favor with the whole sodium-avoidance craze.

[QuikSand]

pathetically late to the party here, but I'm rooting for you, fellow baller

[RendeR]

Unless you are taking part in HARD physical exercise for more than an hour at a time you do NOT NEED sports drinks EVER. They are horrible for you unless you are ACTUALLY doing heavy cardio exercise.

[gkb]

I'm so vain I think this dynasty is about me.

Seriously, l'm really enjoying this dynasty. I hate to chime in like a lot of others, but you've pretty much summed up my life here.

[Subby]

DAY FIFTEEN

Here is how I have done over the past few days with each thing on my list:

1. No soda = this has been pretty easy. I have been drinking sparkling water instead, which tastes like an actuary's balls, but is still better than soda. My heart palpitations and nutrasweet brain lesion fueled headaches seem to be completely cleared up, too.

2. No Starbucks. = FUCK THESE FUCKING SCAM ARTISTS. I guess this how someone feels when they get away from Scientology or Mary Kay. HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO BRAINWASHED FOR SO LONG? Who the fuck pays $2.50 for a cup of coffee? Or $3.50 for a little breakfast sandwich? Overpaying for Starbucks does not make you a BALLER. It makes you a SUCKA. Well, needless to say, I don't miss the $5 caffeinated milk drinks at all.

3. No Convenience Stores. = I don't think I understood how huge this is. Convenience stores are my Kevin Bacon of bad habits. Most of the dumb shit I did was linked to convenience stores. HOW CONVENIENT. For whatever reason, I feel stupid going into a grocery store for a quick convenience item (OH I AM GOING TO MACK ON THESE LARABARS!)

4. No ice cream. = Side benefit of only getting ice cream while out with family (which I have only done once) is that I am way less mucusy, less congested than before. That has immediately translated to SNORING LESS. If you want the "getting laid" quotient to go down precipitously in your house, try snoring some time.

5. No eating after 8pm. = What a ridiculous difference this makes. This could, no lie, be a 1000 calories difference every day for me. And that 1000 calories usually was ingested within an hour of falling asleep. I was seriously worried that I was going to snap with this one, but I think I only technically broke the rule twice, once while eating in my car (enjoy it while it last, slobby fucker!) and once at a Nats game on a weekend. I will pay a billion dollars to anyone that dies from not eating after 8pm. If you are so hungry that you commit suicide, then that's on you. Sorry.

6. No staying up late. = This has been the hardest one to control.Why? What the fuck is special about staying up late? For a forty year-old man there is NOTHING FOR YOU after 10pm on a weeknight. NOTHING. The silver lining is that I am not ever staying up past midnight, which used to happen pretty much every night.

7. No cookies. = I might as well have given up unicorn wrangling. I have not even SEEN a cookie since I gave them up. Part of it is that I am eating out less. I am also not going to convenience stores or Starbucks. I still love cookies though and if my wife were to randomly make them I would eat them. Weird. In the past it seemed like I was shoving cookies in my CAKE CRUSHER every other hour, on the hour.

8. No buying breakfast. = After a week of going off the fucking reservation, I added this little one in. I have been pretty happy with the results. The change has forced me to stop by the grocery store every morning and buy breakfast (usually oatmeal, banana, juice) and snack (clifbar and another banana) and lunch (bagged salad) all for LESS than I was paying to eat breakfast out. NOW I AM ADDICTED TO GROCERY STORES.

9. No candy bars. = I was raiding a co-worker's office the other day because she has these delicious little Dove chocolate miniatures that she keeps PERMASTOCKED in a bowl on her desk. I am not lying when I say I grab ten at a time sometimes and eat them all. BUT WAIT. THESE ARE JUST MINIATURE CANDY BARS!! MOTHERFUCKER! So pretty much no chocolate for me now - except for M&Ms. And I really do have a problem there. But at least I am eating 10 less candy bars per week now. Maybe I won't have to get my leg amputated after all!

10. No gorging pizza = I am just getting 18" New York style pizza from here on out. Make the most of those two pieces. Actually, I have not been tempted yet, but with the weekend on tap, I know it is coming. I MUST BE STRONG.

11. No food from work kitchen. = Some dude had a birthday party at our office the other day and left a massive birthday cake in our office. Killer frosting, frosting balloons on it, ALL MY FAVORITES. In days of yore, I would have had a MASSIVE piece, right off the bat, then mosied back to the kitchen for two more pieces throughout the day. Sorry, birthday cake...YOU ARE IN THE KITCHEN. I CANNOT EAT U. We also had a catered lunch in the office yesterday, which always means a tray of baked treats. Without fail, I eat 5-7 things (cookies, brownies, cheesecake, etc) from that tray by the end of the day. Yesterday it took all of the willpower I had. But once the catered lunch was over, they put that tray in the kitchen. That's all I needed. SORRY BAKED GOODS, U WILL NOT GO IN MY TUMMY. KITCHEN IS DANGER ZONE.

12. No sleeping in (out of bed at 6am). = This might be the best thing on the list. Getting up early and getting shit done is indescribably awesome. Sleeping in while your kids try to make eggs and set the house on fire is not.

13. No skipping exercise.= Early returns are in, and I've done this for three days in a row. Fat guy exercises...YAY! Let's not get too excited here.

14. No sports drinks = I usually get killed on the weekends, so the jury is still out.

And on to the next:

15. No more caffeine abuse :thumbsup:

As I have alluded to before, I ingest an absolutely SICK amount of caffeine every day/ While I may have cut back a little with the soda going away, I still drink 40 or more ounces of coffee every day, plus iced tea when available. While I am a firm believer in the salutary effects of caffeine, I also think it is one of those things that can be bad for you if you have too much. Plus its a huge fucking crutch. You don't need caffeine, you need to stop being such a lazy bag of dicks. You crave caffeine because you don't get enough sleep, you eat too much shit that's bad for you, and your body hates you and wants to shut down every chance it gets.

I don't even know if I love coffee, but I certainly act like I do. I mean, aside from the yellow teeth, sour stomach, heart palpitations, DAD RAGE, and hooker breath. Other than those things, it's completely awesome. I don't NEED to drink that much and I sure as fuck don't need to drink it at night. For fuck's sake, unless I am driving on a highway at 2am, I need to abstain. Too much of it fucks up my sleep, makes me dehydrated, and so on. So for the time being, NO MORE than two drinks with caffeine, per day. Hopefully cutting my intake in half (and not drinking it after 8pm) will help. I CAN'T RIDE THE DRAGON ANYMORE. I CAN'T. I WON'T.

WE ANSWER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS FROM OUR READERS

"pathetically late to the party here, but I'm rooting for you, fellow baller" - Quik

I'll be calling on you when I get to the part where I need to trade in my pathetic wardrobe for some BALLER WEAR.Faconnable shirts >>> golf shirts.

"Unless you are taking part in HARD physical exercise for more than an hour at a time you do NOT NEED sports drinks EVER. They are horrible for you unless you are ACTUALLY doing heavy cardio exercise." - RendeR

Plus all that sugar will cause SUGARBEETUS.

"Seriously, l'm really enjoying this dynasty. I hate to chime in like a lot of others, but you've pretty much summed up my life here." - gkb

I know there is a movie idea in here somewhere. I also know no one would go to see that movie.

[DaddyTorgo]

Disagree. If you made it a comedy with some actor who can carry off dad-rage and an internal monologue, it would be hilarious.

[cuervo72]

CBS show.

[Young Drachma]

CBS show.

SHIT MY SUBBY SAYS.

[Radii]

SHIT MY SUBBY SAYS.

Only if Shatner is in it somehow.

[Subby]

DAY SIXTEEN

This weekend has been interesting. I am finding that when you give up so many of your bad habits, missing one or two isn't the massive trigger it once was to completely shoot yourself in the face. Or foot. Probably foot. I mean, in the past I would not go for a run, so naturally I would eat five pieces of pizza and then around 930pm have a massive bowl of ice cream, then pass out and wake up and eat something else and then stay up until two and force feed myself cookies and drink diet cokes so I could stay awake. HAHHAAHA FUCK YOU FOR NOT RUNNING. I WILL SHOW YOU!

Or maybe I would get up at 8am. Fuck me, already late for work! NO TIME FOR BREAKFAST! Then drive into work, stop at Starbucks, spend $10 on a massive drink, breakfast sandwich AND scone (THEY'RE TASTY!), go out for lunch, eat four pieces of ice cream cake from the work kitchen.

Seriously - all that stuff would just chain event. Day after day after day until I was perpetually weak, chubby, tired, self-defeated, and kinda gross.

This weekend was nice. I stayed up later than I should, and was tired as hell, but didn't go crazy on coffee. I didn't work out Saturday but doubled up on Sunday. I didn't eat great, but wasn't a slob either and never ate after eight. If you miss one, you miss one. You still have 15 other things you are quitting.

So, no surprise, but another massive fail needs to be addressed:

1. No soda.
2. No Starbucks.
3. No Convenience Stores.
4. No ice cream. (unless out with family, then only small)
5. No eating after 8pm.
6. No staying up late. (10p week/11p weekend)
7. No cookies.
8. No buying breakfast.
9. No candy bars.
10. No gorging pizza (2 pieces max)
11. No food from work kitchen.
12. No sleeping in (out of bed at 6am).
13. No skipping exercise (30 min per day cardio min.)
14. No sports drinks (unless after exercise)
15. No more caffeine abuse (2 drinks per day max)
16. No eating in the car.

I thought I would be slick and get my eating in the car problem under control. I did not. Saturday night I made a run to District Taco and ordered a basic breakfast taco with chorizo - FOR THE ROAD. For the road? What am I, a long range trucker? Everything about it was bad (except for the taco - DELICIOUS). I drove erratically. I spilled shit in my car. Teenage girls literally pulled up beside me at a light, glanced over, and quickly glanced away as if I was a fat middle aged man shoving a breakfast taco down his hole AS FAST AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE. I mean, I could have driven the ten minutes it takes to get home and had the food at a table designed for eating (or fuck, in front of the television). But no. EAT IT NOW OR THE COPS FIND ME PASSED OUT AT A LIGHT IN A SUGARBEETUS COMA.

Why do I have to eat so fast in the first place? BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW IF AND WHEN YOU'LL EAT AGAIN, SUBBY. THIS COULD BE IT FOR DAYS. I would have lasted exactly one day as a caveman. "What? WE HAVE TO KILL ANOTHER MASTODON IN ORDER TO EAT??? THAT WILL TAKE DAYS!!! FUCK THIS I AM JUMPING IN THAT VOLCANO!"

Not being allowed to eat in the car is me saying fuck you to me for being so weak and spineless. For fuck's sake, WAIT UNTIL YOU GET TO YOUR DESTINATION. No one died at the wheel from hunger. No one. Ever.

[Kodos]

This is by far the most entertaining dynasty I've read in YEARS.

[korme]

163/216... How tall are you and what's your build?

As for getting cardio-type exercise, I find it WAY more preferable to do something like play pick-up volleyball or basketball for 2-3 hours a week. I probably have an easy time of finding pick-up games on a college campus, but playing a sport with purpose beats the heck out of pounding feet on a treadmill or something.

This, for sure. I play tennis at least once a week. Hell of a workout, and I don't even realize it

[Izulde]

This thread made me hungry for tacos. Off to Taco Bell I go. :mad:

[Autumn]

Disagree. If you made it a comedy with some actor who can carry off dad-rage and an internal monologue, it would be hilarious.

This is the show that Louis C. K. should be doing basically. I think I read Subby's posts in his voice.

[Blackadar]

This is by far the most entertaining dynasty I've read in YEARS.

+1000

Having taken (and continuing on) the same journey over the last couple of years, I'm laughing my ass off. I still can't run anywhere close to 20 miles though.


HINT FOR SUBBY: To get around #4, buy the Italian Ice packs found in your local grocery. One of the brands has only 100 calories in each cup. It's an excellent substitute for ice cream. And oh, the Weight Watchers ice cream bars don't suck either.

[DaddyTorgo]

+1000

Having taken (and continuing on) the same journey over the last couple of years, I'm laughing my ass off. I still can't run anywhere close to 20 miles though.


HINT FOR SUBBY: To get around #4, buy the Italian Ice packs found in your local grocery. One of the brands has only 100 calories in each cup. It's an excellent substitute for ice cream. And oh, the Weight Watchers ice cream bars don't suck either.

Skinny Cow Ice Cream sandwiches are where it's at.

[Subby]

DAY SEVENTEEN

So I pulled up to a stoplight today and was not eating. And the hot college chick in the car next to me GOT OUT OF THE CAR so she could come talk to me. If I had been eating something, that would have never happened.

"I noticed you've only had two cups of coffee today."

I nodded in wonderment.

"And you don't smell like a quarter pound big bite or xtreme taquito."

She could obviously tell I had not been to a convenience store in WEEKS.

"Where are the Starbucks bags and empty coffee cups that are usually rolling around on your floorboards?"

I wasn't sure. They seemed to have magically disappeared.

"What time did you go to bed last night? If you say 10pm, that will be so hot. I WILL PROBABLY STICK MY TONGUE IN YOUR EAR!"

That was too much for me to handle. So my penis exploded and I woke up and shambled into the bathroom instead. I got back in bed and tried hard to fall back asleep so I could go back to the world where hot college girls thought middle aged guys were hot. But I know better. I'm OLD. MIDDLE-AGED. No matter what I do outside of winning the lottery or changing my last name to Buttafuco, I am still going to be a regular middle-aged guy.

But honestly, who gives a shit. Is there anything worse than the guy my age at my local pool who hits on the teenageed girls. SO CONCERNED FOR THEM. He listens to all of their problems WITH DEEP INTEREST. He is in good shape and probably only has one bad habit - HITTING ON TEENAGED GIRLS. Probably better off to stay invisible to them and stay out of jail. Short term not as fun, long term much better.

It's called GROWING THE FUCK UP AND STOP BEING THE MANCHILD THAT NO ONE RESPECTS. Oh boohoo - life is boring, you have to get up and go to work every day and provide for your family. SO SAD FOR YOU. As Louis CK says - "no one cares about 40 year-olds. Shut the fuck up and do your job."

And that's my disjointed rant about creepy middle aged guys!

On to the next habit!

1. No soda.
2. No Starbucks.
3. No Convenience Stores.
4. No ice cream. (unless out with family, then only small)
5. No eating after 8pm.
6. No staying up late. (10p week/11p weekend)
7. No cookies.
8. No buying breakfast.
9. No candy bars.
10. No gorging pizza (2 pieces max)
11. No food from work kitchen.
12. No sleeping in (out of bed at 6am).
13. No skipping exercise (30 min per day cardio min.)
14. No sports drinks (unless after exercise)
15. No more caffeine abuse (2 drinks per day max)
16. No eating in the car.
17. No neglecting oral hygiene.

Oh you thought this was going to be all about eating? This is not a diet dynasty. This is about bad habits and this is probably one of my worst. It is simple. Brush twice a day, floss once, MINIMUM. But no, I cannot be bothered to even do the minimum. NO TIME, TOO BUSY. How hard is it to spend five minutes every night flossing (I have the easy to use plastic floss picks), brushing (I have the mackdaddy SonicCare brush), and rinsing (YAY CREST!)

TOO MUCH BOTHER.

So I have terrible teeth, lots of fillings. I often don't brush in the morning which means I am probably one of those people that has sewer breath (NOT HELPED BY COFFEE). In fact, if my breath is as bad as the OTHER people in my office that drink coffee, then my wife has every right to punch me in the balls with both fists. The health risks are ridiculous. Plus people without teeth look like fucking freaks. NO OFFENSE FREAKS, TRY BRUSHING.

It's probably too late for me, but I swear to fuck I am going to stop being like my 11 year-old who melts down every time I ask him to brush his teeth. Honestly, 41 is way to old to be throwing passive aggressive temper tantrums. I DON'T LIKE BRUSHING AND YOU CAN'T MAKE ME SO I WILL CAUSE ALL OF MY TEETH TO FALL OUT. Oh, and I will have a heart attack because of the plaque buildup. AWESOME!

You wanted shitty habits? This is a shitty habit. This is the most embarrassing habit so far, BY FAR. A grown man that can't even take care of his own mouth. Ridiculous.

WE ANSWER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS FROM OUR READERS

"This is by far the most entertaining dynasty I've read in YEARS." - Kodos

I love that this is a dynasty. I AM CHARACTERIZED BY SUSTAINED GREATNESS!

"This, for sure. I play tennis at least once a week. Hell of a workout, and I don't even realize it" - korme

I spend enough time with people, running is awesome alone time. I don't want to get away from my family just so I can go out and hang out with OTHER people. I mean yes I do love hanging out with my family. [ED NOTE: Please delete this from television script]

"This thread made me hungry for tacos. Off to Taco Bell I go." - Izulde

I am sad for you that you live in a place where that is your go to place for Tacos. To be fair, if it is 10pm at night, I am right there with you. OR WAS (bustamove).

"To get around #4, buy the Italian Ice packs found in your local grocery. One of the brands has only 100 calories in each cup. It's an excellent substitute for ice cream. And oh, the Weight Watchers ice cream bars don't suck either" - Blackadar

Very cool with what works for others, but this is not a weight loss dynasty for me. If I had those in my house, I would eat them all. I just need to change my behavior, and replacing heroin with methadone probably isn't going to do it. Only getting heroin with the family at a local heroin establishment is the only way for me.

"Skinny Cow Ice Cream sandwiches are where it's at." - DaddyTorgo

Yes, plural. Preferably four and then we'll see how we feel.

[Grover]

I often only brush in the morning. I try to get into the habit of brushing at night, but TOO FUCKING HARD.

[britrock88]

This, for sure. I play tennis at least once a week. Hell of a workout, and I don't even realize it

I walked 18 today, starting at about 3:30 when it was over 90 out. Believe it or not, that was a serious workout. I checked my pulse on hole 13 or so and it was hanging around 70% of my max pulse rate (double my resting rate).

[Kodos]

When I am tired at night, flossing is often a casualty. Brushing also becomes a casualty sometimes, although not nearly as often. Sometimes I just rinse with listerine (HEY, this stuff restores ENAMEL!). If I am feeling overwhelmingly tired, I just pop in my night guard and it is off to bed with me!

[sterlingice]

Prediction: #23 Give up punching coworkers when they start coming up to your cubicle because they aren't chased away by your awful breath?

SI

[sabotai]

I used to be very bad with oral hygiene too. Then I spent a good amount of money getting a lot of fillings. And then, a few years later, another round of fillings. It was an expensive lesson to learn, but now I brush when I wake up, when I go to bed (I can't get to sleep anymore if I haven't), and every time I leave the house for any reason (which isn't that often...)

[Subby]

DAY EIGHTEEN

Maybe it's just the K-Cup Starbucks French Roast (LIMIT = 2) talking, but I am thinking I have stumbled upon a diet revolution. Every fat fuck like me that I see waddling around in a corporate logo polo or black tennis shoes (jk - no one really wears those in real life), I feel like going up to them and urging them to just give up 18 bad habits and see how GREAT their lives could be!

And then they repay my largesse by shivving me in the stomach. Repeatedly. Because no one ever, EVER, wants unsolicited advice. Particularly about lifestyle.

"Hey buddy...been playing Diablo 3 for a while now. I see a lot of Mountain Dew cans there! Oh! And is that a Oreo Cakester wrapper?"

SHIVVED.

"Man - it is getting late. WOW 2am! And you have to go to work tomorrow. Oh...sure...go ahead and finish off the last Hagen-Dazs ice cream bar. No sense in eating three and leaving one! Although...what would you think about brushing right after you..."

SHIVVED.

That's part of the beauty and part of the problem with being an adult male. You just want to be left the fuck alone. An entire political ideology has sprung up from the basic fact that we DO NOT WANT INTERVENTION. Daddy needs quiet time. Daddy wants to hang out in his underwear (FFS IT IS HOT IN HERE). Daddy wants to drink a beer and then eat some brownies and then drink some more beer and watch some WKRP in Cincinnati re-runs (HELLO BAILEY QUARTERS). He just wants to be in total control for a small fraction of the day.

But as with most things, we take this to the Nth fucking power until we have turned into soft, manboobed gibbons with longer than acceptable toe nails and abnormal hair sprout zones. Do we have to be so overfed, so over entertained, so over-convenienced? I am fascinated, obviously, with how I got to this point.

Moving on...

1. No soda.
2. No Starbucks.
3. No Convenience Stores.
4. No ice cream. (unless out with family, then only small)
5. No eating after 8pm.
6. No staying up late. (10p week/11p weekend)
7. No cookies.
8. No buying breakfast.
9. No candy bars.
10. No gorging pizza (2 pieces max)
11. No food from work kitchen.
12. No sleeping in (out of bed at 6am).
13. No skipping exercise (30 min per day cardio min.)
14. No sports drinks (unless after exercise)
15. No more caffeine abuse (2 drinks per day max)
16. No eating in the car.
17. No neglecting oral hygiene.
18. No burgers and fries.

Oh don't you worry. I am not giving up burgers. I am not giving up fries. I am giving up burgers AND fries. I'm not talking about some shitty ass McDLT with small fries. I am talking about the baller-ass gourmet burgers you can get in the suburbs - places like BGR, Elevation Burger, etc.. Five Guys used to qualify here. Anyway, there may be a day where I give up burgers, but it is not going to happen in the next few <s>weeks</s> months. Same with french fries. There are just too many tasty versions of the latter - including sweet potato and rosemary garlic (two varieties I have recently absolutely RAMMED down my potato crusher.)

The problem, of course, is that I eat both. In one sitting. Unless I am going to hunt wild boars in the hinterlands for the next five hours, I don't need that kind of caloric foundation. What I normally do after that meal is walk to my car, drive to my house, and then sit on the couch as my body slowly shuts down. I mean - what else can it do? Every ounce of energy is devoted to digesting a probable 1200 calorie meal. The little secret is that when you eat that much at once and then sit on the couch it all goes right to your cock and balls, making them gorilla sized.

Haha not it doesn't. It goes to your man tits and your shame handles. It's too much to fucking process at once. Your body is writing FUCK YOU on a bag full of shit, setting it on fire, and leaving it in your bed while you sleep. "You are going to make me work like this? FUCK YOU. YOUR FOOT JUST FELL OFF. HOW YA LIKE ME NOW, FATTY?"

So here is a compromise from the desk of Farnsworth Van Gaylord - I can only order a one patty burger. I can only order a regular fry. If I want both, I have to have half each. End of story. It's okay. I guarantee you will still be able to stave off anemia.

[Barkeep49]

I hate to chime in for the first time with this, but I think 18 is weak sauce compared to the fucking amazing first 17.

[Chief Rum]

I hate to chime in for the first time with this, but I think 18 is weak sauce compared to the fucking amazing first 17.

BS. I can tell you, as someone who if he were written about like some indigenous native species of animal would be described as having a diet "primarily of burgers AND fries nom nom nom", that choosing one or the other at any given meal is HUGE. That 500-800 calories you drop from your meal really helps you hit your calorie goals, and you come to realize you don't really need both items to feel decently full (although you certainly miss the one you pass on).

[Young Drachma]

I hate to chime in for the first time with this, but I think 18 is weak sauce compared to the fucking amazing first 17.

Weaksauce is still using "weaksauce" as a put down.

[Kodos]

I've found that as far as fries are concerned, if I get a medium fries and eat a few handfuls on the way home, I am satisfied enough to give the rest of the fries to the kids. I do this every Thursday, as I have the kids by myself that night. Everybody gets some fries, but nobody gets too many.

[MacroGuru]

I've found that as far as fries are concerned, if I get a medium fries and eat a few handfuls on the way home, I am satisfied enough to give the rest of the fries to the kids. I do this every Thursday, as I have the kids by myself that night. Everybody gets some fries, but nobody gets too many.

This...If we get burgers, I only order one medium fry to split between us because we do not eat a lot of them.

For me, just the single patty option would be huge...I see the Double, Triple, Big Mac, Double QTR, Double Bypass....as a challenge of sorts and I order the biggest ass burger I can and eat myself into a coronary coma...

[cuervo72]

Fries are evil. That is all.

[Kodos]

My brother refers to them as "grease sponges."

[Subby]

DAY NINETEEN

Fucking car. Two days in a row now, I have completely forgotten about the no eating in the car rule AND EATEN IN THE CAR. I pick up food for dinner and eat a breadstick. Y U NO WAIT TIL U GET HOME? And then this morning, I bring my whole effing breakfast in the car with me - plate with a bagel and cream cheese, french press, coffee mug. Who does that? Halfway down the street, I realize I am backsliding on a terrible habit, just in time for my plate to flip over and plant my breakfast face down on the floorboards. FFFFUUUUU. Do I have to be Guy Pearce and get this shit tattooed on my forearm? Do. Not. Eat. In. The. Car.

The other thing that is killing me is this bedtime bullshit, and the Olympics are not helping. I am still going to bed late (MUST SEE MEN"S GYMNASTICS FINAL) and getting up late (lame, weak, fey). I feel like those are the two habits I am having the hardest time breaking.

So now it gets hard. The other stuff was child's play.

1. No soda.
2. No Starbucks.
3. No Convenience Stores.
4. No ice cream. (unless out with family, then only small)
5. No eating after 8pm.
6. No staying up late. (10p week/11p weekend)
7. No cookies.
8. No buying breakfast.
9. No candy bars.
10. No gorging pizza (2 pieces max)
11. No food from work kitchen.
12. No sleeping in (out of bed at 6am).
13. No skipping exercise (30 min per day cardio min.)
14. No sports drinks (unless after exercise)
15. No more caffeine abuse (2 drinks per day max)
16. No eating in the car.
17. No neglecting oral hygiene.
18. No burgers AND fries.
19. No computer addiction.

That's right. Like most people, I am on the computer way too much. WAY too much. Not only do I have it on all day at work, many times I come home and use it, too. It is often the reason I stay up late, and if I am up late, it keeps me up. It probably borders on addiction, because I am incessantly checking different sites and forums on the off-chance I missed something. Being on the computer is pretty shitty for your health as it is - sitting is terrible for you and I'm sure there are other health risks involved including DIVORCE and YOUR NEGLECTED CHILDREN RESENTING THE FUCK OUT OF YOU.

I probably need to cut down all forms of electronics, but it's too big of an issue to take care of all at once. So for the near term, I am going to stay off of the computer at home during the week and give myself an hour a day on the weekends or on vacation. Obviously, if I have to sign up a kid for something, then I can do that, but it has to be a really good reason.

BUT THIS IS HOW I SPEND MY LEISURE TIME!

How much do I have to be entertained? Do I have to be entertained by the interwebz all of the time? Can I play a board game with the kids or maybe help out around the house or go the fuck to sleep? Man the fuck up. No one cares about your entertainment, you over-entertained middle class fucktwat. Do something useful.

WE ANSWER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS FROM OUR READERS

"I hate to chime in for the first time with this, but I think 18 is weak sauce compared to the fucking amazing first 17." - bk

Yeah I don't know. To me weaksauce would be cutting out something completely harmless like loving the fuck out of musicals or betting on foxy boxing. Trying to cut back on being a bloated ass clown seems right up my alley!

"BS. I can tell you, as someone who if he were written about like some indigenous native species of animal would be described as having a diet "primarily of burgers AND fries nom nom nom", that choosing one or the other at any given meal is HUGE. That 500-800 calories you drop from your meal really helps you hit your calorie goals, and you come to realize you don't really need both items to feel decently full (although you certainly miss the one you pass on)." - CR

One thing that apparently they do in some communist countries like France and Belgium is put the fries ON THE BURGERS. I thought it was completely insane until I tried it one time. It was AMAZING. So, cutting a burger in half and loading it up with a half order of fries would be kind of shitty habit lite. But don't do it with steak fries. That would be ridiculous.

"For me, just the single patty option would be huge...I see the Double, Triple, Big Mac, Double QTR, Double Bypass....as a challenge of sorts and I order the biggest ass burger I can and eat myself into a coronary coma..." - macroguru

Back in my headier days I ate an entire MAMMOTH BURGER at this place called Satterwhite's. It was essentially a 1.5 pound meatloaf on a bun. I finished the whole thing and was awarded...a fucking bumper sticker.

That may be the sickest I have ever felt in my life.

[Alf]

Fries are evil. That is all.

French fries can be worse than that :devil:

[Swaggs]

over-entertained middle class fucktwat


Can you request this as your new custom title?

I have trouble seeing how you could do any better than that.

[JediKooter]

...or masturbate for 4 hours (55 calories)...

You're doing it wrong.



This post kept me up until a little bit after 2 this morning. It's rare that a thread comes along that I can't close out until I've read the whole thing. I look forward to reading more of "30 Shades of Subby".

[sterlingice]

It is often the reason I stay up late, and if I am up late, it keeps me up. It probably borders on addiction, because I am incessantly checking different sites and forums on the off-chance I missed something.

Compulsively guilty on that account, too.

Oh, and on the "must watch Olympics"- awful about that, too. My wife and I try to "observe bedtime" - which means get to bed and reading or (in my case) playing video games before falling to sleep by 9:30 which means it mainly happens by 10 and asleep by 10:30. With wakeup time of 5:30, that's 7 hours of sleep: enough that I can make it productively through the day and even exercise every night. The Olympics has crushed this.

Back in my headier days I ate an entire MAMMOTH BURGER at this place called Satterwhite's. It was essentially a 1.5 pound meatloaf on a bun. I finished the whole thing and was awarded...a fucking bumper sticker.

That may be the sickest I have ever felt in my life.

But... but... BUMPER STICKER! One of my "bucket list items" is to split one of the giant burger challenges with my wife. Sure, it's not as manly but that way we can both have the coronary at the same time. I was never going to qualify for any of those anyways, tho, because, frankly, I hate onions. And every single one of these stupid things I've seen on Food Network and whatnot seems to have way too much extra crap on it just to make it harder. I don't need an entire head of bland iceberg lettuce: a few slices across the top would suffice. Ditto for jar of pickles, bag of onions, garden of tomatoes, etc: keep the proportions somewhat similar and don't go stupidly overboard just because you don't want to comp some guy a $50 burger.

SI

[sterlingice]

You're doing it wrong.



This post kept me up until a little bit after 2 this morning. It's rare that a thread comes along that I can't close out until I've read the whole thing. I look forward to reading more of "30 Shades of Subby".

If we ever do the Golden Scribes again: instant nominee

SI

[JediKooter]

If we ever do the Golden Scribes again: instant nominee

SI

I agree +Infinity with you. This thread should win by a landslide.

[Subby]

DAY TWENTY

I shit you not, I ate six bowls of motherfucking Lucky Charms this morning. Not even General Mills Lucky Charms either, but some Giant Foods house brand called something like Rainbow Treasure Nuggets. Why would I do something like that? BECAUSE MILK AND HARD MINI MARSHMALLOWS ARE IRRESISTIBLE.

And I knew what I was doing was wrong, too. I KNEW IT. But I just kept loading up my bowl with cereal, kept wetting the top layer with milk, and kept chowing down like the nom nom monster from Spirited Away. Kept eating until the roof of my mouth felt like raw gibbon ass and my stomach was ready to blow out a column of weaponized rainbow treasure nuggets.

But fuck they were so good. Not the malted wheat oat filler, but the actual marshmallows themselves. Popular culture totally overuses the word CRACK to describe how good something is, but I would not be surprised in the least if people in trailer parks cut this shit up and snorted it. And then smoked PCP.

So, shocking development, I have felt like shit all day. Been cranky. Body shutting down. Eyes watering what feels like light spackling paste. FUCK CEREAL.

Anyway, the computer shit worked pretty well last night (despite my late night compulsion to make sure I hadn't missed any posts on The Superficial), so I am chalking that up as a big win. But the weekend looms. Weekends are bad for people with bad habits. Weekends are when working class stiffs cut lose and break the law. Or eat six pop tarts in <s>23</s> 13 minutes.

Here we go:

1. No soda.
2. No Starbucks.
3. No Convenience Stores.
4. No ice cream. (unless out with family, then only small)
5. No eating after 8pm.
6. No staying up late. (10p week/11p weekend)
7. No cookies.
8. No buying breakfast.
9. No candy bars.
10. No gorging pizza (2 pieces max)
11. No food from work kitchen.
12. No sleeping in (out of bed at 6am).
13. No skipping exercise (30 min per day cardio min.)
14. No sports drinks (unless after exercise)
15. No more caffeine abuse (2 drinks per day max)
16. No eating in the car.
17. No neglecting oral hygiene.
18. No burgers AND fries.
19. No computer addiction (no computer at home, 1 hour on weekend).
20. No television addiction (3 hours per night, 15 per week).

Oh boy. Now I have gone and fucking done it. COMMUNIST ASS BITCH DO NOT MESS WITH MY TEEVEE VIEWING. THE OLYMPICS ARE ON!

Well, the funny thing about television is that while it is completely awesome, there is simply too much stuff out there to catch up on. I have FIOS, which means access to a ridiculous number of channels, including stuff like HBO, EPIX and Showtime. Lots of MLB. Lots of all sports, depending on the season. Lots of scripted drama and reality shows. So much that I constantly feel like I am missing out on SOMETHING (SWEET GENIUS??? THAT LOOKS COMPELLING!).

Fortunately, we have a DVR so I can usually skip through commercials and massively compress my viewing time. But that doesn't really mean less viewing - it just means viewing more programs. At least I am doing my P90X workouts whenever I am watching. I WAIL THE FUCK OUT OF MY ABS.

Oh wait, no. I just lay there like I have been drugged and am being prepped for surgery. An immobile shut-in, soaking in the entertainment. FEED ME ENTERTAINMENT. I AM ENTITLED TO BE ENTERTAINED. GAH GAH MMMMM.

Add food to this. SOB UNTIL IT HURTS.

I sit on my ass for 8 hours at work. Now I go home and sit on my ass for 3-5 hours. MY ASS IS MAGNIFICENT. In a perfect world, I would watch television all day long. This is also the world where I am crazy rich and create all laws. THAT WORLD DOES NOT EXIST.

So, I am cutting back on tv and re-engaging even more. We'll take it easy and say a maximum of three hours per day, fifteen hours per week. That still seems like an insane amount.

WE ANSWER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS FROM OUR READERS

"French fries can be worse than that" - alf

Love me some pommes frites. I am also a big fan of steak fries with A-1 and waffle fries with honey mustard. Now who are the ones that put mayonnaise on their fries? Those people are fucking psychopaths.

"This post kept me up until a little bit after 2 this morning. It's rare that a thread comes along that I can't close out until I've read the whole thing. I look forward to reading more of "30 Shades of Subby"." - jk
Yeah we are just getting warmed up. You'll be hyperventilating and hugging yourself after we finish with the final five. And I guarantee it will have you furiously Googling Tahitian Cock Rings.

" One of my "bucket list items" is to split one of the giant burger challenges with my wife. Sure, it's not as manly but that way we can both have the coronary at the same time." - si

In your heart of hearts, you know that does not count. Do they give out Purple Hearts on halvsies? NO. YOU HAVE TO EARN IT.

[sterlingice]

NO INTERNET DOESN'T MEAN NO UPDATES FOR US- IT MEANS NO OTHER INTERNET FOR YOU!

SI

[Subby]

DAY TWENTY-ONE

Not feeling it today. Any of it. Don't want to do it. It's all wonderful and exciting and new at first, but after three weeks of trying to get your shit together, you are bound to go into withdrawals. I WANT TO MACK ON A SNICKERS BAR.

I feel like a broken record, but the following things are killing me:

#6, #12, #13, and #20

Basically, I go to bed too late (#6) because I am watching hours of Olympics and Nats coverage (#20). Then I can't get up early enough (#12) and miss my window to bike to work or work out (#13) or I am just too tired to work out (#13, again).

So that is pissing me off. Why can't I do this? How hard is it? What's the point of the fucking list if you can't have a day where you check every thing off? DO I HAVE TO START ANOTHER SAD DYNASTY? THE REALLY SHITTY UNBREAKA...gahhhh. No. Just fucking do this stuff and quit whining about it.

So I will do this stuff starting today and into tomorrow or I will...what? I will give my 13 year old $20. And he will promptly blow it on god only knows what. I mean...this list is great and everything, but if I can't do it, what's the point.

And don't tell my 13 year-old. Because I can see him strategizing ways to get the free money from me. "Hey dad, can you run by the convenience store so I can run in? WILL YOU HOLD MY ICE CREAM CONE FOR ME? PLEASE DON'T FINISH MY COKE."

He may be stronger and faster than me, but I am wizened and old, like Gandalf's nut sack. Or maybe Golem's.

Here we go:

1. No soda.
2. No Starbucks.
3. No Convenience Stores.
4. No ice cream. (unless out with family, then only small)
5. No eating after 8pm.
6. No staying up late. (10p week/11p weekend)
7. No cookies.
8. No buying breakfast.
9. No candy bars.
10. No gorging pizza (2 pieces max)
11. No food from work kitchen.
12. No sleeping in (out of bed at 6am).
13. No skipping exercise (30 min per day cardio min.)
14. No sports drinks (unless after exercise)
15. No more caffeine abuse (2 drinks per day max)
16. No eating in the car.
17. No neglecting oral hygiene.
18. No burgers AND fries.
19. No computer addiction (no computer at home, 1 hour on weekend).
20. No television addiction (3 hours per night, 15 per week).
21. No seconds.

OH THAT'S RIGHT. Now I am fucked. No more going back for seconds. It almost seems cruel, doesn't it? Going back for seconds is a nod to the bountiful harvest that our capitalist freedoms democracy provideth to us. What? No.

DID YOU NOT GET ENOUGH TO EAT WITH YOUR FIRST 700 CALORIE PLATE? Oh hey - looks like you could use another HEAPIN' HELPIN'!

One of the great sayings my stepdad had, when referring to large members of the opposite sex, was "SHE'S SWEET, BUT SHE NEEDS TO PUSH BACK FROM THE BUFFET." Truer words were never spoken for so many people out there, me in particular.

It tastes good, so I have to keep eating it until I am so full I can't move? It's like Lenny with the fucking rabbits. LET'S OVERAPPRECIATE THIS UNTIL OUR SENSES LOSE THE ABILITY TO SENSE. How about chewing slowly and savoring and maybe pushing away from the buffet a little hungry and maybe wanting a little more. Do I have to be completely satisfied after every meal? If something tastes good do I have to keep eating and eating because odds are I will have to hunt and kill the next thing I eat? Of course not. FOOD IS EVERYWHERE. Even the shitty gas only service station in our town has a vending machine inside where I can probably get NABS. You could live for FUCKING MONTHS on nabs.

You get one serving. That's it. And if you die of starvation, you probably sucked in the first place.

[Alf]

Go Subby !

[Swaggs]

...had to google "Nabs."

[Kodos]

I'm glad I'm not the only one who is frequently filled with self-loathing.

[sterlingice]

I'm a little torn on the "seconds" part. If I restrict myself from seconds, I just load my plate up like a trough, shoving as much goodness together all in one place to make an inedible slurry just so I don't have to get up and get more food. And if I decide I'm not actually that hungry: too bad because you can't put it back and you're not throwing it out lest starving children in Ethiopia come and beat you. So that can actually lead to overeating.

I find I have more success when I limit the portion sizes the first time around: must be able to actually see edge of plate, food can't touch, etc. That way you don't take as much on the first try. And you have sloth battling gluttony as for which deadly sin you perfer: "What? Second helping? But that kitchen is so far away (in our little two bedroom apartment)."

SI

[Young Drachma]

One of the great saying my stepdad had, when referring to large members of the opposite sex, was "SHE'S SWEET, BUT SHE NEEDS TO PUSH BACK FROM THE BUFFET." Truer words were never spoken for so many people out there, me in particular.

It tastes good, so I have to keep eating it until I am so full I can't move? It's like Lenny with the fucking rabbits. LET'S OVERAPPRECIATE THIS UNTIL OUR SENSES LOSE THE ABILITY TO SENSE.

The stepdad thing had me in stitches and then you went with Lenny with the fucking rabbits. A few drachmas in your tip cup, sir.

[Autumn]

I find 'no seconds' is a great rule that makes a huge difference. Maybe you take more than you would have the first time, but I find I still end up eating less. Because you never get seconds and put just a little on your plate. It's like a whole new meal. But I have the same problem of thinking that just because something is good I need to keep eating it and eating it. Which is particularly stupid when I could just save the rest and have it another time, which means having something good twice!

[Ironhead]

This has been an entertaining read. I am just wondering, after trying to make all of these changes have you lost weight?

[Subby]

DAY TWENTY-TWO

I put a saddle on today and rode it around the grounds of my estate. Then I took today into the boudoir and made sweet love to it. Then today put on a French maid costume and served me a drink and a steak. Then I sold today on E-Bay. Wny?

That's right. I FUCKING OWNED TODAY. I did everything right! I EVEN BOUGHT AND ATE AN APPLE. That's how motherfucking in-control crushing I was ON TODAY.

I got up on time. I rode my bike to work. I stopped halfway at the grocery store to buy reasonably priced food. I drank two cups of coffee. I went out to lunch. I DID NOT GET DESSERT (although I could have, but I was good, yo!). On the way back from lunch I passed two Starbucks and three convenience stores. AND DIDN'T SLOW DOWN. There is a fucking BAG OF CARAMELS IN MY WORK KITCHEN. I fucking love caramels, but no worries...in the work kitchen...safe.

I feel like I just drank unicorn blood or had a vitamin B shot or just snorted Levitra. OR ALL THREE.

Which means I will probably get knifed by an over-caffeinated motorist on my way home tonight. But that crazy bitch can't take TODAY away from me. I OWNED today.

So...down the homestretch we go:

1. No soda.
2. No Starbucks.
3. No Convenience Stores.
4. No ice cream. (unless out with family, then only small)
5. No eating after 8pm.
6. No staying up late. (10p week/11p weekend)
7. No cookies.
8. No buying breakfast.
9. No candy bars.
10. No gorging pizza (2 pieces max)
11. No food from work kitchen.
12. No sleeping in (out of bed at 6am).
13. No skipping exercise (30 min per day cardio min.)
14. No sports drinks (unless after exercise)
15. No more caffeine abuse (2 drinks per day max)
16. No eating in the car.
17. No neglecting oral hygiene.
18. No burgers AND fries.
19. No computer addiction (no computer at home, 1 hour on weekend).
20. No television addiction (3 hours per night, 15 per week).
21. No seconds.
22. No restaurant desserts.

Oh this is just getting fucking lame now. NO RESTAURANT DESSERTS? DUDE, WHY GO OUT TO EAT AT ALL?

Never, in my life, have I walked away from dinner and dessert at a restaurant, where I did not feel like a completely groggy, gluttonous piece of shit. NEVER. I know that I have polished off an appetizer, then an entree, plus maybe some bread or chips and then ask for the dessert menu and am pretty sure the waitress is thinking/smirking "SURE THING, TUBBY! BE RIGHT BACK! TRY NOT TO EAT THE TABLE WHILE I AM GONE."

Look, I love sweets. They are my downfall. But this tradition of eating a dessert after a full meal is ridiculous. Nothing puts me in a food coma faster. How about just enjoying the meal you just ate - do you have to keep the party going and polish off a fucking THUNDER FROM DOWN UNDER? No. How about a 3 pound piece of Choco Loco Skull Fucking Cheeseycake to top off the 4 pounds of spaghetti you just ate?!

I'm a big fan of just having dessert for your meal. Make it a meal. Don't make it ANOTHER MEAL right after you just ate one. And trust me, you haven't done anything to deserve it anyway. STOP TREATING YOURSELF. You want to treat your body? Stop using it like your crazy hoarder aunt's monthly storage unit. How much fat are you going to make it digest?

So, the next time I go out to eat will be the first time I pass on dessert.

WE ANSWER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS FROM OUR READERS

"I find I have more success when I limit the portion sizes the first time around: must be able to actually see edge of plate, food can't touch, etc. That way you don't take as much on the first try. And you have sloth battling gluttony as for which deadly sin you perfer: "What? Second helping? But that kitchen is so far away (in our little two bedroom apartment)."" - si

If I did this I would just get fifths. Or I would stand really close to the stove after everyone had left the table and just compulsively take tiny little bites. Nibble nibble nibble OH MY GOD YOU JUST FINISHED THE WHOLE LASAGNA.

"I'm glad I'm not the only one who is frequently filled with self-loathing." - kodos

Everyone is. And the people who aren't probably should be. But if I am going to FEEL like a piece of shit, do I also have to look the part? The sooner I ditch my Tubby IT Guy Halloween costume, the better.

"The stepdad thing had me in stitches and then you went with Lenny with the fucking rabbits. A few drachmas in your tip cup, sir." - DC

I love the Lenny image. There is also a very good scene in Tommy Boy where Chris Farley is talking to a prospective client about how he destroys his sales. Fucking priceless. I feel like I do that with pretty much anything that is enjoyable in limitless quantities.

"I find 'no seconds' is a great rule that makes a huge difference. Maybe you take more than you would have the first time, but I find I still end up eating less. Because you never get seconds and put just a little on your plate. It's like a whole new meal." - Autumn

I did this last night with spaghetti and pesto. Big serving. Still way less than in the past where I would keep eating until I was borderline exploding. Just like a meth addled day trader, I need a stop loss.

[TRO]

"Subby, five Oreos at a time? Is that the serving size? I normally go three at a time (because the packages have three rows, I know there won't be any straggling Oreos). By the way, does anyone else out there eat snacks in specific quantities, or is that just a little OCD poking through in me?" -britrock

When I eat cookies, I take an entire row. I once got in a huge argument with the wife when I found a row only partially gone. Not only do I have to eat like a pig, I expect everybody else to do so as well. Needless to say, I haven't lived that one down.

MMMM GORILLA DONG GOOD

Thank you.

[Subby]

DAY TWENTY-THREE

About to embark on a road trip/vacation/work thing, which means this is all destined for disastrous failure.

I may or may not update this from the road, we'll see. The road is so bad for me. I am in a car for HOURS with nothing to do but drive and drink and eat and pee. And tell my kids to PIPE THE FUCK DOWN. Pretty much guaranteed I end up eating about 40 donuts or ice creams or candies from the different rest stops we hit. I wish I could come up with a something like NO USING RESTROOMS IN ARKANSAS or NO GETTING LUNCH AT THE WEST MEMPHIS BURGER KING. But I know all of these things will happen, and they will happen ALL OF THE TIME.

A man needs vices on a road trip. Lots of them. So I will modify some of these while I am on the road.

1. No soda. - Still going to do this.
2. No Starbucks. - I will go there and get caffeine because where I am going has shit coffee.
3. No Convenience Stores. - I am going to have to fill up with gas on the road, but I am not buying shit. My kids are going to fucking rebel.
4. No ice cream. (unless out with family, then only small) - Still doing this.
5. No eating after 8pm. - Might be tough if we are out at a big group dinner.
6. No staying up late. (10p week/11p weekend) - No chance.
7. No cookies. - Chance.
8. No buying breakfast. - This isn't happening.
9. No candy bars. - I just have to stop hitting the hotel minibar.
10. No gorging pizza (2 pieces max) - Yeah, this is doable.
11. No food from work kitchen. - I WON'T BE AT WORK. EASY.
12. No sleeping in (out of bed at 6am). - This is also not happening.
13. No skipping exercise (30 min per day cardio min.) - HAHAHAHAHA. No.
14. No sports drinks (unless after exercise) - Easy.
15. No more caffeine abuse (2 drinks per day max) - I will need caffeine administered to me intravenously.
16. No eating in the car. - It's a road trip!
17. No neglecting oral hygiene. - This is big - I ALWAYS neglect oral hygiene on road trips/vacations.
18. No burgers AND fries. - Easy. Will be eating as much mexican as possible.
19. No computer addiction (no computer at home, 1 hour on weekend). - Easy - won't be around one.
20. No television addiction (3 hours per night, 15 per week). - Also easy.
21. No seconds. - This is going to be tough when I am asked if I want another basket of chips.
22. No restaurant desserts. - HUGE TEST here. Such a new rule though - gotta stick with it.
23. No more donuts. - Yeah I slipped one in here at the last minute.

I love donuts. So much. I can easily eat six donuts...the ones with pure white cream filling. The weird thing is donuts DO NOT fill me up. So I am still hungry after I eat them. So I eat more - just in case. Then I have like 100 grams of sugar fucking COURSING through my body. My vision glazes over, I break into a sweat. Then I need a huge cup of coffee just to cut my high. EXCEPT THAT HAS CAFFEINE. Now I am on a sugar and caffeine speedball and I hallucinate that John Belushi and Chris Farley are shirtless and stabbing each other in the chest with nitroglycerin. Then I black out.

So maybe I should lay off the donuts. Just for a while.

Anyway...I will be scarce for a few days. Updates of my pathetic ability to stay disciplined will surely follow.

[Chief Rum]

I had six of those mini-doughnuts, the chocolate ones, this morning. Yum.

[sterlingice]

Subby has been cured of all 30 habits!

SI

[GoldenEagle]

West Memphis is a shady, shady place. That is all.

[DaddyTorgo]

My life feels strangely empty without this thread...

[MacroGuru]

I'm sad...

[Subby]

On vacation! Will be back next week with tales of what a massive failure I am.

[DaddyTorgo]

On vacation! Will be back next week with tales of what a massive failure I am.

Next week? Jeezus...that's so far away!!!

[britrock88]

You didn't tell us it was 30 non-consecutive days! Tell us where we can get some methadone in the meantime! :mad:

[Chief Rum]

Number 24... no vacations

[cuervo72]

On vacation! Will be back next week with tales of what a massive failure I am.

Stories are always better when the protagonist fails!

[sterlingice]

I love donuts. So much. I can easily eat six donuts...the ones with pure white cream filling. The weird thing is donuts DO NOT fill me up. So I am still hungry after I eat them. So I eat more - just in case.

I somehow missed this update and just caught up. I am this way about donuts, ice cream, and, to a lesser extent, pizza. They don't really count as food and don't feel like I am getting filled up. However, once I've crossed over to the second side of a standard large pizza, then I notice that I have been eating pizza.

SI

[Subby]

DAY TWENTY-FOUR

"This is Guest Services."

"Hi, I would like to order room service."

"We can do that for you Mr. Shue. How many will be dining this evening?"

Pause...

"Just one."

"And what can we get for you?"

"Since I am in my hotel room ALONE at night and it is AFTER 10PM it seems like a good idea to order some food. Of course, I could just GO TO BED because I have to be up early for meetings tomorrow morning, but what the fuck, THE COMPANY IS PAYING FOR THIS SO I BETTER TAKE ADVANTAGE OF IT. So why not send up some toffee pudding and JUST IN CASE I DON'T LIKE THAT please add an order of Blue Bell vanilla ice cream. To prove that I am an adult, let's have a civilized side of coffee - just to bring this whole bacchanalian middle-aged shitfest down a notch."

"Certainly sir."

This was part of my vacation - spent alone in a very nice hotel as part of a larger professional conference that I was attending. I don't know what it is about hotels at which I am staying for work, but I cannot stop myself. Some people order <s>hookers</s>companions. Some people surf Craigslist for fetishistic Nancy Boys. Some people score crank from the hotel cleaning staff. NOT ME. I take it straight to DEFCON FATASS and dive balls deep into the room service menu.

OOOH POTSTICKERS NOW AVAILABLE ON THE LATE NIGHT MENU!

Fuck me. Go away for a week and a half and can barely hang on. But this was all wrapped inside a "vacation" so we make exceptions. Now I am back. And the first thing that is going to fucking go is this:

1. No soda.
2. No Starbucks.
3. No Convenience Stores.
4. No ice cream. (unless out with family, then only small)
5. No eating after 8pm.
6. No staying up late. (10p week/11p weekend)
7. No cookies.
8. No buying breakfast.
9. No candy bars.
10. No gorging pizza (2 pieces max)
11. No food from work kitchen.
12. No sleeping in (out of bed at 6am).
13. No skipping exercise (30 min per day cardio min.)
14. No sports drinks (unless after exercise)
15. No more caffeine abuse (2 drinks per day max)
16. No eating in the car.
17. No neglecting oral hygiene.
18. No burgers AND fries.
19. No computer addiction (no computer at home, 1 hour on weekend).
20. No television addiction (3 hours per night, 15 per week).
21. No seconds.
22. No restaurant desserts.
23. No donuts.
24. No popcorn.

Hahaha - look at the fat guy who has all of the popcorn detritus on his shirt! How many pieces of popcorn can he pick up with one hand and then shove into his fucking Black Hole of Gluttony? This weekend I took three of my kids to see MIB3 (25. No more Will Smith movies) and we got a large popcorn, large pink lemonades (probably worse than soda) and two small bags of bulk candy.

Did ya know that refills are only a $1? IT MIGHT AS WELL BE FREE. It would be one thing if the popcorn was evenly distributed between me and my three poor children with the overweight notrole model. DADDY HAS TO HOLD THE TUB OF POPCORN. NOM NOM NOM SNORF. For fuck's sake, if something comes in a TUB (like dirty bathwater, or movie popcorn) that's probably a bad sign. CAN I GET A SEA CONTAINER OF POPCORN? NO? ONLY A TUB? OK THEN, BUT I WILL NEED SECONDS.

Why do we even have to eat while we watch movies? That's dumb.

WE ANSWER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS FROM OUR READERS

"I had six of those mini-doughnuts, the chocolate ones, this morning. Yum." - CR

I never liked those things. The chocolate always tasted fake and the doughnut was dry. Now, give me six cake donuts and I will induce sugarbetes in about 5 minutes.

"My life feels strangely empty without this thread..." - DT

Tell me about it. I was pretty lost not being able to write every day. Plus it's nearly impossible to remember the 23 things I gave up without checking in every day.

[britrock88]

Yay!

Unfortunately, my no popcorn periods come on when I get paranoid about my dental health every so often. This time, though, an actual piece of tooth fell out. FLOSSING IS IMPORTANT, EVERYONE!

[sterlingice]

25. No updates to FOFC :(

SI

[Critch]

If I was limiting myself to 1 hour computer time at home a week, I wouldnt waste it coming here either.

[Autumn]

If I was limiting myself to 1 hour computer time at home a week, I wouldnt waste it coming here either.

Yeah, well screw you too! :p

[sterlingice]

I think there's a simple solution to this problem: Updating the thread does not count as computer time because "SELF HELP!"

SI

[finketr]

If I telecommute from home, does that count as computer time at home?

[Subby]

DAY TWENTY FIVE

BACK FROM REHAB

Like a fucking simpering huff addict, I metaphorically just locked myself in my room for the past three days and inhaled about three metric tons of spray paint.

Fuck, when I go off the reservation, I go off the reservation in a fucking flaming winnebago powered by an alternative fuel engine that runs on vanilla ice cream and caramel sauce. The windows are covered in donut decals. And then we drive that Winnebago through the front window of a local 7-11 and take it and everything else over a FUCKING CLIFF. But I survive the explosion and celebrate by staying up until 2am, getting up late, and spending $10 for breakfast at a fucking bagel place.

God help me.

Right after vacation, just falling into the same old bullshit habits. The only saving grace is that I somehow have still avoided both convenience stores and soda. Pretty sure I put everything else into a pie of shame and shoved right on down the ol' Cake Crusher of Doom.

But I just caught a look at my self in the mirror. Extra chin. Golf shirt designed by PHIL NIPPLESON. Plus a set of B cups that would put any 15 year old to shame. I CANNOT GO OUT LIKE A BITCH.

I have my list. I am full of shame. No where to go but up.

1. No soda.
2. No Starbucks.
3. No Convenience Stores.
4. No ice cream. (unless out with family, then only small)
5. No eating after 8pm.
6. No staying up late. (10p week/11p weekend)
7. No cookies.
8. No buying breakfast.
9. No candy bars.
10. No gorging pizza (2 pieces max)
11. No food from work kitchen.
12. No sleeping in (out of bed at 6am).
13. No skipping exercise (30 min per day cardio min.)
14. No sports drinks (unless after exercise)
15. No more caffeine abuse (2 drinks per day max)
16. No eating in the car.
17. No neglecting oral hygiene.
18. No burgers AND fries.
19. No computer addiction (no computer at home, 1 hour on weekend).
20. No television addiction (3 hours per night, 15 per week).
21. No seconds.
22. No restaurant desserts.
23. No donuts.
24. No popcorn.
25. No buying lunch.

Apparently, this is a huge leak for me. Unstructured days where I go out and buy my lunch probably result in 500-1500 calories more than days where I don't. Now I am completely boxed in. I am literally not allowed to eat anywhere outside of my office. If I want to go outside during lunch, I'll be bringing my own lunch or going for a run. That's it.

Sure, there may be some business lunches here and there, but this week I probably spent $40 in four days. That's two-thirds a tank of gas, for chrissakes.

Plus no one wants to see chubby soft IT guy waddling down the street in his baggy khakis and nipply tightish golf shirt. NO ONE.

[hoopsguy]

Buying lunch - really good addition to the list. You've had a couple on here that would be very difficult for me to sustain and this would probably vault right to the top of my personal list alongside the 30 minutes of exercise daily. I tell myself that my days are too unstructured to be able to make those kind of commitments, but I suspect that is just BS that I feed myself. Good luck being stronger than me on this item.

[sterlingice]

I think this is all just a clever plot to get out of having to add things to change

SI

[MacroGuru]

Dear Diary,

It has been close to 8 days since my last post, those faithful at FOFC are still probably hanging on with baited breath to see what I accomplish, little do they know my shame...I have a fear, a fear of the next number, I just can't bring myself to write it, speak it or even look at it.

Please help me, the masses need it.

[sterlingice]

If Behind the Music is any guide, Subby will peak in another few days with great progress. Then he won't post for a few days before a picture surfaces with him in front of a convenience store toilet, clock striking midnight with a giant spoon in one hand and an empty half gallon of ice cream in the other. Then he'll see the error of his ways and we'll have a redemption story. Finally, he'll finish up this dynasty, which will not be as popular as before and "fans" will all talk about how he sold out and how he sucks ever since gettting out of Ben and Jerry's rehab.

SI

I predict that I was right

SI

[Kodos]

26. No more abandoning things mid-stream.

[Subby]

DAY 26

This is what happens when you relapse. You pretend a lot. You conveniently forget shit. You make a crazy number of excuses. You stay embarrassed.

I wish I could explain it. Maybe I was too optimistic trying to come up with a random number like 30. I mean, I am probably not going to list scratching my balls in public or staring at high school girls' asses or ninja-picking my nose as bad habits. I don't want those read into the public record (THOSE ARE JUST EXAMPLES OF COURSE!)

Anyway, 25 is a pretty solid, round number. So maybe I try and stick with this list for a week. In the past week, I have fallen asleep on the couch three times. Eaten about 500 Oreo cookies and 5 gallons of ice cream. Sucked down a cream soda. Stopped riding my bike to work.

How's that working out for me?

One fat bitch. That's how.

So here's the challenge. Take these 25 bad habits. Don't do them for one week.

I am going to weigh myself tomorrow morning and see if I can actually make some progress.

1. No soda.
2. No Starbucks.
3. No Convenience Stores.
4. No ice cream. (unless out with family, then only small)
5. No eating after 8pm.
6. No staying up late. (10p week/11p weekend)
7. No cookies.
8. No buying breakfast.
9. No candy bars.
10. No gorging pizza (2 pieces max)
11. No food from work kitchen.
12. No sleeping in (out of bed at 6am).
13. No skipping exercise (30 min per day cardio min.)
14. No sports drinks (unless after exercise)
15. No more caffeine abuse (2 drinks per day max)
16. No eating in the car.
17. No neglecting oral hygiene.
18. No burgers AND fries.
19. No computer addiction (no computer at home, 1 hour on weekend).
20. No television addiction (3 hours per night, 15 per week).
21. No seconds.
22. No restaurant desserts.
23. No donuts.
24. No popcorn.
25. No buying lunch.

How hard can this be? Honestly. I have got to stop being a mewling twat.

[Subby]

And - of course - apologies for leaving everyone high and dry for a week +. Selfish addicts are selfish.

[Subby]

DAY 27

It's 8:45am and I have already managed to fuck up much of my list. I woke up at 6:40am. LAZY. I drooped my kid off at school instead of making him walk. INSTILLING LAZINESS. I stopped by the bagel place and grabbed breakfast. FINANCIAL LAZINESS. I ate said breakfast in my car on the way to work. SLOPPY MANBOOBS SNARFDOWN.

And the best part.

I ATE TWO MOTHERFUCKING BAGELS.

Why? Now I am bloated and cranky, dealing with my man period and ready to kill anything that crosses me while I am flying high from my carb-enduced rage. Maybe the crazy homeless zombie people that snorted bath salts topped that off with multiple bagels because right now I feel like if someone looked at me the wrong way I WOULD EAT THEIR FACE.

So let's see...day just starting and I have violated the following:

8. No buying breakfast.
12. No sleeping in (out of bed at 6am).
16. No eating in the car.

I also didn't bother to put together any kind of meal this morning before I sprinted out the door, so I will also be violating this:

25. No buying lunch.

Hey dumbass - buying lunch makes you fatter and poorer. Clinical studies show that the fat and poor DO NOT SUCCEED IN THIS LIFE.

I am going to die in the next five years and my pissed off kids are going to pass on reviving me for the opportunity to punch me in the balls as hard as they can. BECAUSE I AM A FUCKING SELFISH ASSHOLE.

Four down, twenty-one to go. Tomorrow I weigh myself.

[sterlingice]

DAY 26
I am going to weigh myself tomorrow morning and see if I can actually make some progress.


FAIL: Weighing self on Tuesday morning

SI

[Dutch]

Good lord, obviously I need to stop by the Dynasty pages more often. This has been an earth-shattering good read. Now stop fucking around and follow your goddamned rules!

[Crapshoot]

This is spectacular. Also, does Subby remind anyone of Drew Magary?

[MIJB#19]

You can do it, Subby!

[sterlingice]

*kicks the carcass of this once great thread*

It burned too bright, too quickly, I suppose :(

SI

[Subby]

DAY #(*&

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

1. No soda.
2. No Starbucks.
3. No Convenience Stores.
4. No ice cream. (unless out with family, then only small)
5. No eating after 8pm.
6. No staying up late. (10p week/11p weekend)
7. No cookies.
8. No buying breakfast.
9. No candy bars.
10. No gorging pizza (2 pieces max)
11. No food from work kitchen.
12. No sleeping in (out of bed at 6am).
13. No skipping exercise (30 min per day cardio min.)
14. No sports drinks (unless after exercise)
15. No more caffeine abuse (2 drinks per day max)
16. No eating in the car.
17. No neglecting oral hygiene.
18. No burgers AND fries.
19. No computer addiction (30 minutes of computer at home, 1 hour on weekend).
20. No television addiction (3 hours per night, 15 per week).
21. No seconds.
22. No restaurant desserts.
23. No donuts.
24. No popcorn.
25. No buying lunch unless its a salad.

Yeah, so here I am 7 months later. Seven months wasted, weighing basically the exact same that I did when I started this. I got all the way up to 225 at the beginning of the year and have wrangled that back down to around 209, but really, should be a lot less. I am actually exercising more than ever (biking to work, occasionally going for long rides during the weekend). However, my absolute inability to be disciplined about ANYTHING is keeping me in the land of pinkish, chubby, middle-aged twats. What am I rocking today? You guessed it! GOLF SHIRT AND KHAKIS.

I am going to try and stick to this list this week, and maybe split it into a do and don't list. Every week I will add something new. Or maybe I won't. But I need to stop fucking around and lose weight, get strong, get healthy.

LET'S GO.

[sterlingice]

If Behind the Music is any guide, Subby will peak in another few days with great progress. Then he won't post for a few days before a picture surfaces with him in front of a convenience store toilet, clock striking midnight with a giant spoon in one hand and an empty half gallon of ice cream in the other. Then he'll see the error of his ways and we'll have a redemption story. Finally, he'll finish up this dynasty, which will not be as popular as before and "fans" will all talk about how he sold out and how he sucks ever since gettting out of Ben and Jerry's rehab.

SI

Still betting on this outcome

SI

[DaddyTorgo]

Make a rule: "No Golf Shirts and Khakhis."

[QuikSand]

For you, I wish success and good health.

For me, I wish for continued greatness from this thread.

DELIVER ME

[Kodos]

Awesome, baby!

If it makes you feel better, I have been stuck in suckiness for the past half year too.

[GoldenEagle]

Make a rule: "No Golf Shirts and Khakhis."

Golf shirts and khakis are awesome though. I am lucky enough to get to wear jeans to work, but I can't wear t-shirts. So I wear jeans, golf shirt, and tennis shoes.

The only issue with golf shirts are your nips are visible from outer space.

[Subby]

DAY 1
FAILURE

Oh we start off with such good intentions. Then 7pm rolls around and GOD tells me to send my kid to the snackbar to get a Diet Coke and Snickers. THANKS GOD. Then I get home from my kid's game and settle in on the couch to watch baseball and decide that eating three servings of nuts at 9pm would be a good idea. Again, I probably would have DIED OF STARVATION if I hadn't eaten right then. LIVES SAVED: 1.

I can't move forward until I get EVERYTHING right. Everything. Here is how it went yesterday:

1. No soda. - Fuck me, one diet coke. FAIL.
2. No Starbucks. - Avoided!
3. No Convenience Stores. - Avoided!
4. No ice cream. (unless out with family, then only small) - Avoided!
5. No eating after 8pm. - Nuts in my mouth on the couch. So salty. FAIL.
6. No staying up late. (10p week/11p weekend) Fall asleep on couch, shamble up to bed at 11:30pm. FAIL.
7. No cookies. Avoided!
8. No buying breakfast. Brought oatmeal to work and ate it. Success!
9. No candy bars. Useless Snickers jammed down my piehole. FAIL.
10. No gorging pizza (2 pieces max). No pizza to gorge. Success!
11. No food from work kitchen. Shitty selection in work kitchen. AVOIDED!
12. No sleeping in (out of bed at 6am). Out of bed at 5:05am. Success!
13. No skipping exercise (30 min per day cardio min.) I have this one on lockdown. Rode to and from work yesterday for a total of 26 miles, 105 minutes, 1,000 calories.
14. No sports drinks (unless after exercise) Avoided!
15. No more caffeine abuse (2 drinks per day max) Semi-fail. Work coffee so shitty that I drank a bunch of half cups which probably totaled more than 2.
16. No eating in the car. Biking to work makes this much easier. Success!
17. No neglecting oral hygiene. Fail. Did not brush before work.
18. No burgers AND fries. Avoided both!
19. No computer addiction (30 minutes of computer at home, 1 hour on weekend). This one is tough, but I did not use the computer at all last night. Success!
20. No television addiction (3 hours per night, 15 per week). I slept through most of the Nats - Braves game. Success?
21. No seconds. We had spaghetti for dinner and I did not go back for a second mountain. Success! However I did grab a handful of cashews after dinner. Fail!
22. No restaurant desserts. Success!
23. No donuts. Success!
24. No popcorn. Success!
25. No buying lunch unless its a salad. I bought my lunch and it was a salad. Success!

SEVEN FAILS.

Soda, Candy bar, Caffeine, Seconds, Eating after 8pm, Bed by 10pm, Oral hygeine.

18-7...good for a starting pitcher. Bad for a dying fat suburbanite.

[Subby]

The only issue with golf shirts are your nips are visible from outer space.
Modern fabrics only exacerbate this, by the way.

[Subby]

DAY 2
FAILURE

There are few items more emblematic of modern man's failures than the cupcake. To call something a cupcake is to point out its weakness or shortcomings. No one ever looked at Chuck Norris and said, "GOOD LORD THAT DUDE IS A FUCKING CUPCAKE!"

No. What they do is look at the middle-aged dad caught in a carbohydrate death spiral and think to themselves, "well, I might be losing the game of life, but at least I beating THAT cupcake."

So I was doing great yesterday until they ordered in gourmet cupcakes for a meeting we were having our office. Now as we all know, there is a huge difference here. Normal, grocery store cupcakes - the kind that come in the plastic clamshell - are just whatever. Cupcakes from a bakery or better yet...a cupcake PLACE...that's special. You know they're probably laced with crack (the good kind, not that low grade shit people make in their bathtub).

Of course I have a funny relationship with cupcakes. I could probably eat six without blinking (sure, I would drop into a 2 hour mini-coma, but I would definitely come out the other side). What I end up doing to combat that is to just eat the cupcake tops, which is mostly frosting. Basically akin to Costanza's pudding skin singles. Or muffin tops. So, even though the leftover cupcakes were IN MY WORK KITCHEN, I had two tops. Because they were SPECIAL. I mean, I couldn't even stop at one. Although, hey...kudos to me for stopping at 2?

Scale this morning said 208.6 lbs. Just 43.6 el bees overweight! Basically me and a dead six year-old, living the dream.

Still...

1. No soda. CHECK
2. No Starbucks. CHECK
3. No Convenience Stores. CHECK
4. No ice cream. (unless out with family, then only small) CHECK
5. No eating after 8pm. CHECK! This is one of the worst and somehow I crushed it - and I actually slept better. Go figure.
6. No staying up late. (10p week/11p weekend) CHECK
7. No cookies. CHECK (Just cupcakes, which is worse. DICK.)
8. No buying breakfast. CHECK.
9. No candy bars. CHECK.
10. No gorging pizza (2 pieces max) CHECK.
11. No food from work kitchen. MASSIVE FAIL.
12. No sleeping in (out of bed at 6am). CHECK. Up at 557am...just barely!
13. No skipping exercise (30 min per day cardio min.) CHECK!
14. No sports drinks (unless after exercise) CHECK
15. No more caffeine abuse (2 drinks per day max) FAIL.. I made dinner last night and it was "breakfast dinner" - eggs, bacon, cantaloupe, rolls. And I am such a creature of habit that I MUST HAVE COFFEE WITH BREAKFAST.
16. No eating in the car. CHECK.
17. No neglecting oral hygiene. FAIL. I flossed/brushed/rinsed...but just once. GROSS.
18. No burgers AND fries. CHECK.
19. No computer addiction (30 minutes of computer at home, 1 hour on weekend). CHECK.
20. No television addiction (3 hours per night, 15 per week). CHECK. It helps when the Nats are getting crushed.
21. No seconds. FAIL. I took an extra roll after my dinner was finished. Not a huge deal, but STILL AGAINST THE RULES.
22. No restaurant desserts. CHECK.
23. No donuts. CHECK.
24. No popcorn. CHECK. Why is this a rule again?
25. No buying lunch unless its a salad. CHECK.

I am getting below 200 by the end of this month, I don't care if it kills me.

[digamma]

Modern fabrics only exacerbate this, by the way.

T-shirts are your friend. Plus they make the whites whiter and the blues bluer.

[digamma]

21-4 definitely gets you into the tournament. Nice work.

[GoldenEagle]

I might have to try this biking to work and back thing. I actually drove a route I think I could go where there would be minimal car traffic. Do you just carry a backpack with your clothes in it? Do you have a bike lane your entire way? I am sure its easier in a town like DC as opposed to Memphis which is behind the times. Plus I live and work in the suburbs.

[Subby]

I might have to try this biking to work and back thing. I actually drove a route I think I could go where there would be minimal car traffic. Do you just carry a backpack with your clothes in it? Do you have a bike lane your entire way? I am sure its easier in a town like DC as opposed to Memphis which is behind the times. Plus I live and work in the suburbs.
DC Metro area is really bike friendly, so I am fortunate to have bike lanes and multi use paths all the way in to the city. Once I get in to the city it gets a little dicier, but I have a couple of solid routes and there are a lot of bike lanes.

I am mostly taking my road bike in right now, so I carry a backpack. For a long time I commuted in on a Trek hybrid. It works great for commuting because it can be fitted with a rear rack to which you can fit panniers (fancy name for saddle bags). At some point I will probably go to a mix of what I use now (drop handle bars, thinner tires) and then (rack capability). That probably means a cyclocross bike. If I was starting from scratch, I would definitely get a cross bike.

[sterlingice]

This thread coming back might be something that keeps me coming back to FOFC more often than I should :D

SI

[Subby]

Heading into the weekend where basically all bets are off.

Went on a field trip with my twins today and managed to break the cookie rule but did okay otherwise. Got home late and actually managed to exercise, too. Now I need to be in bed within 9 minutes to avoid fucking up my bedtime rule.

Going to try and make it through Saturday and Sunday without missing more than 5 things total.

[Subby]

Bike accident this weekend -ambulance, broke stuff, typing lefty. Back in a few weeks.

[DaddyTorgo]

Bike accident this weekend -ambulance, broke stuff, typing lefty. Back in a few weeks.

OUCH!

Feel better man!

[MacroGuru]

Bike accident this weekend -ambulance, broke stuff, typing lefty. Back in a few weeks.

Ugh Subby, not good. Heal up and get better!

[Cap Ologist]

Perfect cover story so we don't suspect a relapse. ;)

[Kodos]

Bike accident this weekend -ambulance, broke stuff, typing lefty. Back in a few weeks.

Sorry to hear that, Subby. Here's to quick healing. Maybe even Sexual Healing.

[Subby]

here's an x ray - one of the ribs lookin' good!

[Desnudo]

Great thread! With everything you are trying to cut out, have you ever thought about going all in on a Paleo or Slow Carb diet?

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/1SUzcDUERLo" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

[Subby]

Definitely. Working up to a dairy-free, low sugar, wheat free approach.

In other news, hospital xray showed hairline fracture of clavicle, no biggie, standard recovery. Went to orthopedist on Friday and he took a different x-ray. Hospital x-ray very wrong. Surgery next week. :(

[DaddyTorgo]

Holy crap!!

[sterlingice]

Update?

SI

[WVUFAN]

Subby is is my new hero. I realized on this thread I'm just like him, with much the same issues (minus Starbucks, insert McDonalds). Great, great thread, funny as hell and I hope this works out for you, Subby.

Hope you recover quickly and feel better soon.

[Subby]

And...we're back.

I think I posted it in another thread, but on 5-14 I had a 2 hour surgery where they used to titanium plate and seven screws to bind the broken pieces of clavicle back together. Broken ribs healed within a few weeks, clavicle and shoulder still not right. I am currently doing physical therapy twice per week to try and get strength and flexibility back in the shoulder. It's slow going.

The doctor said I could start running in July, and I am slowly easing in to that. In August I can get back on the bike. Allegedly.

Everything else has been a predictable, out of control, shit show. I was down to 199 at the time of the accident, and now I am thinking 210 if I am lucky. I am pretty sure I had a day in there where I violated every single item on my list. I saw god that day. It was glorious. The next day, I shat out a baby demon and almost succumbed to night sweats and exploding heart syndrome.

It wasn't pretty.

Anyway, I ran 6 miles this morning and felt like...hey...maybe it's time to stop being such a mewling pile of fleshy B-cups and get back to GETTING BACK. I mean, hell...Ben E. Lou has lost over 70 pounds. HE CANNOT WEIGH LESS THAN ME (he does).

Here we go.

The list has been updated - I downloaded the Paperless App, which is basically the world's best checklist app out there. I made my list and every time I do something/don't do something, I click a check box. When the day starts anew, I uncheck all the boxes and start fresh. Here is my list. If you follow this list, you will live to be 100. Unless you die in a car crash or get cancer, then you might want to start a different list called "things to do before I die tragically" (working on that one).

1. Brush and floss twice.
2. Out of bed by 6am.
3. Exercise for 45 minutes.
4. No buying breakfast (other than from the grocery store).
5. Eat 5 servings of fruit during the day.
6. Eat a salad, for fuck's sake.
7. No soda.
8. No Starbucks. Their food is seriously beyond shitty anyway.
9. No convenience stores.
10. No buying lunch, unless it's a salad, for fuck's sake.
11. No restaurant desserts. You're full...that means stop eating.
12. No ice cream unless you are out with family. NOT OUT ALONE, FATS.
13. No burgers AND fries. Pick one...or divide both in half. Stop crying, fatty.
14. No eating after 8pm. That doesn't mean you should eat a tin of salted almonds at 7:45p.
15. No eating in car. Ever.
16. No food from work kitchen. Unless it's a skewers of fresh fruit. It isn't.
17. No donuts or candy bars or cookies. This has been combined into one line item. Get your shit together or we are also adding pie, cupcakes, and all caramel products.
18. No gorging pizza. That means two slices, tops. Pace yourself, Tubby.
19. No caffeine abuse. That means 24 ounces of coffee per day. No, you aren't funnier when you are hopped up on caffeine.
20. No second helpings. This also translates to NO BUFFETS. Unless you are in Vegas. Then get your buffet on.
21. No sports drinks. Did you just run for 2 hours? No? Then drink water or seltzer.
22. In fact, drink 64 ounces of water every day. Why? Because otherwise you will put 64 ounces of shit in your body.

And the number one thing we are adding here....

23. Half chipotle. That means stop eating 1200 calorie TASTY AS FUCK burritos. Eat half, be full, take the rest home. Chipotle is a major leak for me.

That's it. Started back today. Will weigh myself tomorrow. Regardless of that number, I will be 170 on December 31st.

[DaddyTorgo]

WELCOME BACK SUBBY!!!!

Caffeine's a good appetite suppressant though...

[Ben E Lou]

I mean, hell...Ben E. Lou has lost over 70 pounds. HE CANNOT WEIGH LESS THAN ME (he does).{giggle}

Good to see you back on your feet.

[sterlingice]

The greatest running dynasty is back. It would challenge for best ever, except, you know: it takes staying on the wagon for more than a couple of weeks at a time to build up some lifetime achievement points.

WELCOME BACK SUBBY!!!!

Caffeine's a good appetite suppressant though...

I have a better idea for an appetite suppressant: "Good for you, son. Giving up smoking is one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do. Have a dollar."

Also, I am familiar with the Chipotle problem. That sucker is north of 1000 calories no matter how you make it. It's unreal.

SI

[Subby]

As usual, my first day back on THE PROGRAM was a screaming success.

Like any idiot, I am VERY GOOD at doing something the first time. Then like an ADHD raccoon, I quickly lose focus and end up tipping over someone's garbage and rummaging through it and eight weeks later I have gained 10 pounds (true story).

I whiffed on two things. One, I got in bed late because one of my kids had a baseball game that ended late. Understandable. Two, I had a little more coffee than allowed - but since I am stepping down from 140 ounces per day, it's probably better that I had a little more than the max allowed, lest I go into withdrawal rage and start attacking my unsuspecting co-workers.

As I said yesterday, my suspicions were that I weighed 210 pounds. Those suspicions were confirmed this morning when I got on the scale and it started weeping, dimly displaying a flickering 210.1.

I now have 5 months and 19 days to lose 40 pounds. I just checked and Ben E Lou already weighs less than 200. This can't happen. Not on my watch.

1. Brush and floss twice. (Yay? Sad this has to be on the list).
2. Out of bed by 6am.
3. Exercise for 45 minutes.
4. No buying breakfast (other than from the grocery store).
5. Eat 5 servings of fruit during the day. (THIS IS HARDER THAN IT SOUNDS)
6. Eat a salad, for fuck's sake. (NOT A CHEF SALAD)
7. No soda.
8. No Starbucks. Their food is seriously beyond shitty anyway.
9. No convenience stores. Do not even look at them.
10. No buying lunch, unless it's a salad, for fuck's sake.
11. No restaurant desserts. You're full...that means stop eating.
12. No ice cream unless you are out with family. NOT EATING OUT ALONE, FATS.
13. No burgers AND fries. Pick one...or divide both in half. Stop crying, fatty.
14. No eating after 8pm. That doesn't mean you should eat a tin of salted almonds at 7:45p.
15. No eating in car. Ever. Have you ever seen a hoarder's car? Yep, lots of rotting food and probably a metric ton of fast food wrappers.
16. No food from work kitchen. Unless it's a skewers of fresh fruit. (It isn't.)
17. No donuts or candy bars or cookies. This has been combined into one line item. Get your shit together or we are also adding pie, cupcakes, and all caramel products.
18. No gorging pizza. That means two slices, tops. Pace yourself, Tubby.
19. No caffeine abuse. That means 24 ounces of coffee per day. No, you aren't funnier when you are hopped up on caffeine. People that are overstimulated are just annoying.
20. No second helpings. This also translates to NO BUFFETS. Unless you are in Vegas. Then get your buffet on.
21. No sports drinks. Did you just run for 2 hours? No? Then drink water or seltzer. Oh boo hoo, taste, boo hoo. SHUT THE FUCK UP AND DRINK.
22. In fact, drink 64 ounces of water every day. Why? Because otherwise you will put 64 ounces of shit in your body.
23. There is no rule that you can't leave Chipotle until you have eaten 1000 calories. Never eat more than half of your meal. Take the rest to go.

[sterlingice]

So, uh...?

SI

[claphamsa]

does Subby write the oatmeal?

The terrible and wonderful reasons why I run long distances - The Oatmeal (http://theoatmeal.com/comics/running)

[Subby]

I would be such a good drug addict. So easy for me to fall off the wagon for weeks at a time and completely compartmentalize what is going on. There really is nothing different between living an unhealthy life and being a drug addict. One just kills you faster.This would all be so easy if I had someone else to whom I could answer. Or maybe if I had my own Sven, my own personal assistant. But then I would be no better than those candy ass rich families that I hate - the ones where the mom doesn't work and they have a nanny for their two kids. My life is so easy. Why can't I take responsibility for more than a week at a time? Why do I have to go through this mea culpa every other month? August has to be better. It must be.

I'm reasonably healthy again. I can ride my bike to work and that's huge for me, apparently. Riding to work means not stopping by Starbucks or a breakfast place on the way in. Riding home means not stopping by the convenience store next to my building on the way to the parking garage. Not driving means not eating in the car. It's all linked.

There is no way I am getting to 170 pounds on December 31st if I continue to be a slobbering fuck. NO. WAY.

Here is what happened yesterday

1. Brush and floss twice. (I did it once. NOPE)
2. Out of bed by 6am. (Nope)
3. Exercise for 45 minutes. (Nope)
4. No buying breakfast (other than from the grocery store). (Nope)
5. Eat 5 servings of fruit during the day. (LOL HOW ABOUT NOPE)
6. Eat a salad, for fuck's sake. (BASIL ON PIZZA NOPE)
7. No soda. COKE ZERO NOPE
8. No Starbucks. Their food is seriously beyond shitty anyway. YUP
9. No convenience stores. Do not even look at them. YUP
10. No buying lunch, unless it's a salad, for fuck's sake. BUSINESS LUNCH TO THE RESCUE YUP
11. No restaurant desserts. You're full...that means stop eating. CAPPUCCINO INSTEAD OF DESSERT CUZ I HARD YO
12. No ice cream unless you are out with family. MINI DOVE BAR STILL ICE CREAM,TUBBY NOPE
13. No burgers AND fries. Pick one...or divide both in half. ORDERED BURDER AND FRIES AT SEAFOOD PLACE MAJOR FAIL NOPE
14. No eating after 8pm. That doesn't mean you should eat a tin of salted almonds at 7:45p. MIRACULOUSLY TOO FULL STILL FROM BURGER AND FRIES AND FIVE PIECES OF PIZZA NOPE
15. No eating in car. Ever. EATING BREAKFAST SAMMIE IN THE CAR FAIL NOPE
16. No food from work kitchen. Unless it's a skewers of fresh fruit. (It isn't.) SOMEONE PUT COOKIES IN THERE DOUBLE FAIL NOPE
17. No donuts or candy bars or cookies. This has been combined into one line item. SEE PREVIOUS ONE FAIL NOPE
18. No gorging pizza. That means two slices, tops. FIVE SLICES FAIL NOPE
19. No caffeine abuse. That means 24 ounces of coffee per day. HAHAHA NOPE
20. No second helpings. This also translates to NO BUFFETS. Unless you are in Vegas. Then get your buffet on. NOPE
21. No sports drinks. Did you just run for 2 hours? No? Then drink water or seltzer. Oh boo hoo, taste, boo hoo. YUP!
22. In fact, drink 64 ounces of water every day. Why? Because otherwise you will put 64 ounces of shit in your body. NOPE
23. There is no rule that you can't leave Chipotle until you have eaten 1000 calories. Never eat more than half of your meal. Take the rest to go. YUP ONLY BECAUSE I WASN'T THERE

There you have it. I did a whopping SEVENTEEN things on my list that I am not supposed to do. No discipline. No willpower. FUCK. YOU.

Ugh.

[sterlingice]

does Subby write the oatmeal?

The terrible and wonderful reasons why I run long distances - The Oatmeal (http://theoatmeal.com/comics/running)

I never really made the connection but it makes sense. I will now see Subby as one of these two when reading these entries

http://s3.amazonaws.com/theoatmeal-img/comics/misspelling/effect.png

http://s3.amazonaws.com/theoatmeal-img/stories/eat_horses/tasty_loins.png



SI

[Subby]

Hah. I just bought a signed Oatmeal poster to give to one of my kids for his birthday. :)

[WSUCougar]

Good lord, how did I ever miss this utter gem of a thread? I haven't laughed that hard in...ever? My head hurts from it.

Okay, here I go:

1. Stop horking down whole bags of salty, crunchy snacks

FAIL FAIL FAIL

[sjshaw]

This thread is all that is right with the world. And some of what is wrong (Chipotle).

[timmae]

All I can say is... Subby, I thank you brother! Awesome read...

[Subby]

God. Fucking. Dammit.

Apologies to the more pious among us, but not THREE FUCKING YEARS later and I think I still weigh the EXACT SAME that I did when I started this shitbag experiment. WHY?! What in god's name is wrong with me that I cannot start something and stick with it to conclusion? Did I wreck my bike three times and break five total bones and tear one internal organ in the interim? MAYBE. Did I have a day recently where I ate a pint and a half of Ben and Jerry's in about thirty minutes? DAY, MORE LIKE DAYS AMIRIGHT?

So now he we are - I am 44 and unreformed and no closer to being healthy or having healthy habits than I was in July of 2012. I am so addicted to sugar that I can barely get out of the way of my own mouth when it presents itself.

It is fucking July 21st and I turn 45 on February 5th and with GOD AS MY WITNESS (sorry in advance for swearing, God) I WILL LOSE 45 FUCKING POUNDS BY MY BIRTHDAY. Enough is enough. Really. Ill-fitting khakis and golf shirts are no way to go through life.

Weigh in tomorrow. Commitment to post every day until February 5th. LIVE NUDE PICS A POSSIBILITY. I am that serious.

Here was Day Negative One (yesterday and pretty much the last three years)

1. Brush and floss twice. (Haha what?)
2. Out of bed by 6am. (7am)
3. Exercise for 45 minutes. (On couch for 45 minutes at least!)
4. No buying breakfast (other than from the grocery store). (Nope - starbucks)
5. Eat 5 servings of fruit during the day. (5 is a lot! No.)
6. Eat a salad, for fuck's sake. (YES I DID THIS BY ACCIDENT)
7. No soda. MMM YUMMY COKE NO ARTIFICIAL SWEETENERS
8. No Starbucks. Their food is seriously beyond shitty anyway. BREAKFAST!
9. No convenience stores. Do not even look at them. I MANAGED TO AVOID! POINT!
10. No buying lunch, unless it's a salad, for fuck's sake. IT WAS SEARING HOT SO STAYED IN DOORS, HALF POINT
11. No restaurant desserts. You're full...that means stop eating. SO SAD THIS IS A LIST ITEM.
12. No ice cream unless you are out with family. THIS SHOULD BE #1
13. No burgers AND fries. Pick one...or divide both in half. WOULD HAVE IF I COULD HAVE!
14. No eating after 8pm. That doesn't mean you should eat a tin of salted almonds at 7:45p. FIVE PIECES OF PIZZA PLUS CHEESEY BREAD AT 9PM!
15. No eating in car. Ever. MMMM SWEEET SCONE MMMMM
16. No food from work kitchen. Unless it's a skewers of fresh fruit. (It isn't.) ARTISINAL CRANBERRY LOAF IN MY TUMMY BC ARTISINAL
17. No donuts or candy bars or cookies. This has been combined into one line item. OOOH I HAVE NEVER TRIED A CRONUT BEFORE!
18. No gorging pizza. That means two slices, tops. FIVE SLICES FAIL IDIOT
19. No caffeine abuse. That means 24 ounces of coffee per day. HAHAHA NEVER
20. No second helpings. This also translates to NO BUFFETS. Unless you are in Vegas. Then get your buffet on. FIVE HELPINGS OF PIZZA!
21. No sports drinks. Did you just run for 2 hours? No? Then drink water or seltzer. Oh boo hoo, taste, boo hoo. HEY ANOTHER POINT! I WILL LIVE FOREVER!
22. In fact, drink 64 ounces of water every day. Why? Because otherwise you will put 64 ounces of shit in your body. BUT SCIENCE SAYS I DON'T HAVE TO
23. There is no rule that you can't leave Chipotle until you have eaten 1000 calories. Never eat more than half of your meal. Take the rest to go. THIS IS BEING REWRITTEN TO INCLUDE CAVA, SMASHBURGER, BGR, ELEVATION BURGER, SWEETGREEN, BURGER7, YOU EAT OUT TOO MUCH

And just to put the cherry on the top of this hugely disgusting life sundae, I have biked 14,500 miles since the beginning of 2013. And yes, I still weigh the exact same.

[Izulde]

One of the greatest dynasties EVAR is back!

[Young Drachma]

You are a biking maniac. Truth.

[Subby]

TWO HUNDRED AND SIX POUNDS

Unbelievable. I just did some back of the napkin math and 206 pounds is A LOT OF WEIGHT. It's not healthy or good. I weigh more than the majority of the cornerbacks in the NFL. I maybe used to be five foot ten and a half. I am pretty sure I have shrunk down to about five foot nine at this point. There is no way I see the roaring 2020s if I continue to be a human garbage compactor.

Here is what I ate yesterday:

starbucks coffee, chocolate chip scone, bacon cheese omelette (that I made), cup o' blueberries, bagged salad, two fistfuls of planter's heart healthy nut mix, two grilled italian sausages with buns and grilled peppers and onions, celery, ONE (1) Leinenkhugels (lol spelling) Summer Shandy.

Obviously the immediate issue is that I made my breakfast and brought it with me to work, but ON THE WAY TO WORK I decided to stop anyway and get Starbucks. WHY? YOU ALREADY HAVE BREAKFAST. So I immediately break about ten different rules, the worst being...DO NOT FUCKING EAT IN YOUR CAR. SLOB. Eating food in your car is only acceptable if you are a blue collar hard working 'Merican that is trying to shove down his quarter pound big bite and 32 oz gatorade in between actual, real, NOT WHITE COLLAR jobs. When you are a soft, pink, weak, pudgy keyboard key masher you DO NOT eat in your car. You do not need to do that because that is gross. VERY GROSS.

SHIT I DIDN'T DO YESTERDAY

1. Brush and floss twice. ONCE? THAT'S NOT TWICE.
2. Out of bed by 6am. YOU ARE LAZY.
4. No buying breakfast HEAVY ASTHMATIC SIGH
8. No Starbucks. WHEEZY ASTHMATIC SIGH
15. No eating in car. Ever. HEAVY BREATHING SCONE SO GOOD
17. No donuts or candy bars or cookies. This has been combined into one line item. SCONE IS IN THIS FAMILY TREE
19. No caffeine abuse. That means 24 ounces of coffee per day. HAHAHA NEVER
20. No second helpings. This also translates to NO BUFFETS. Unless you are in Vegas. Then get your buffet on. MMM THAT SAUSAGE WAS GOOD BUT TWO SAUSAGE BETTER
22. Drink 64 ounces of water every day. I AM PERPETUALLY DEHYDRATED LIKE A TASTY HAM

Hey guess what? Nine fucking ways you fucked yourself yesterday. Good news is you exercised, ate a salad, ate a decent amount of fruit, did not eat after 8pm. Bad news is you ingested about 2800 calories. Great if you are training for a Triathlon. YOU ARE NOT TRAINING FOR A TRIATHLON.

[Young Drachma]

Sidenote: If this shit was a tumblr, you'd probably get a book deal.

[Subby]

I would just eat it.

[digamma]

If you treat this weight loss thing like you did the online poker bonus whoring, you will lose like 450 pounds.

[Alan T]

The return of this thread is the second best return ever, behind the return of Inspector Gadget.

[Subby]

(11:44:42) digamma: let's get a fat ass subby update today

http://www.fof-ihof.com/upload/Subby/capture.png

Where the fuck do you even begin with this picture? So much. First things first can I get an A.P.B. on my fucking belt? For chrissakes it's like a goddamn brown snake hiding from the midday heat under a massive boulder.

"Hey Tubby - horizontal pink stripes are not working for your horizontally pink body." said everyone.

I mean good lord am I putting a hurting on that shirt or what? The cotton fibers are SCREAMING IN AGONY. Not only is my massively sugar fueled stomach doing it's best impression of an Alien birth scene, but my NOT IMPRESSIVE manboobs are sagging with massive disappointment.

This is what I look like ALL OF THE TIME because I cannot get my shit together. I am wearing a hand me down awful golf shirt from my father-in-law because baggy clothes are slimming! Pretty sure your chest is not supposed to be three sizes smaller than your waist, but I guess I need to google that to be sure.

So this what I have become. Middle aged man in an ill-fitting pink striped golf shirt taking bathroom selfies. Good job buddy!

Anyway, scale said 205.4 this morning so whatever. Mentally I need to lose 5 pounds a day or I become absolutely DESPONDENT that this JUST ISN'T WORKING. How fragile and infantile is my fucking brain? It's ridiculous.

So many rules broken yesterday and of course I have excuses for all of them!

1. Brush and floss twice. (DUDE)
2. Out of bed by 6am. (YOU ARE LAZY)
4. No buying breakfast (BOUGHT BREAKFAST)
10. No buying lunch, unless it's a salad, for fuck's sake. (BOUGHT LUNCH)
16. No food from work kitchen. Unless it's a skewers of fresh fruit. (It isn't.) WORKED AT HOME OR WOULD HAVE.
19. No caffeine abuse. TWENTY OUNCE COFFEE AT 7PM AND THEN 7 HOURS OF FITFUL FUCKED UP DREAMS. DUMB.
22. In fact, drink 64 ounces of water every day. Why? Because otherwise you will put 64 ounces of shit in your body. TRY HARDER.

So I worked at home yesterday and rather than eat the food I already paid for that was sitting in my refrigerator, I took the easy way out and ate out EVERY. SINGLE. MEAL. Silver lining, I didn't go overboard and actually had a pretty good eating day...but still. GET IT TOGETHER.

[Subby]

ALMOST THE PERFECT DAY

I came so close yesterday. Rolled out of bed a little late, but I would have counted it. Road the long way to work and to home, 31 total miles. Ate breakfast I made, brought a bagged salad for lunch, had a sandwich for dinner. Didn't eat after 8. FELL ASLEEP ON THE COUCH.

No.

25) DO NOT FALL ASLEEP ON THE COUCH

You get a bad night's sleep, which affects you the next day. Which makes you a walking, grousing, hungry pain in the ass. You crave carbs. YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE. Plus it is terrible for your marriage. TERRIBLE.

GOOD NEWS: 203. Or is that bad news? Because 2 pounds in one day is just water weight and so when I get on the scale tomorrow I will have gained weight and will start sobbing like a little girl.

[Alan T]

GOOD NEWS: 203. Or is that bad news? Because 2 pounds in one day is just water weight and so when I get on the scale tomorrow I will have gained weight and will start sobbing like a little girl.


Maybe it was only like 1 pound of water weight and 1 pound of real weight? Then tomorrow you can break even!

[Subby]

MONDAY JULY 27

So I had a three-day weekend that included a) a road trip b) lots of free time. This is usually a FUCKING DISASTER. Here is a typical eating day for me on the weekend (for realz):

- Breakfast out with big breakfast sandwich and maybe a brownie to go?
- Lunch out maybe Chipotle or burger and fries and soda or milkshake at burger and fries place.
- Weird dinner maybe frozen pizza or homemade nachos.
- pint + of ice cream
- late night snacking
- a beer?
- pass out on couch.

I'm no mathematician, but that might be 100,000 calories. None of that includes exercise. On the weekends there is TOO MUCH UNCONSTRUCTED TIME FOR ME TO BE STUPID. I need less time. My days need to be 2 hours long and I need to be asleep for the rest of the time because I am a danger to myself.

BUT WAIT! I have the rules! Just follow the goddamn rules and maybe you can make it through this. So take Friday for example. I actually make it through half of the day and then I black out and all of a sudden I am AT A BREWERY. How did I get here? Who knows? I DO know that Alcohol + Patio + Low humidity + Magic Hour Sunshine = LICENSE TO STUFF LEFT SIDE OF MENU INTO CAKE CRUSHER.

Deep breath, you have rules. Fucking follow them. Like this one for example!

13. No burgers AND fries. Pick one...or divide both in half.

I feel like I cheated a little because the burger was FIFTEEN FUCKING DOLLARS (yay northern virginia cost of living!) and that did NOT include fries ($6) so kind of on principal I said fuck that shit (POLITELY). Now to be fair, this $15 Burger was the equivalent of the mythical $5 Milkshake. It was incredible. I ate it slowly and savored it with my yuppie-ass citrusy microbrew (also good!) And along with a shared cheese plate - that was my meal! I didn't stumble out of there hating myself. I mean, I guess I did because just in general I hate myself and I need a list of 25 rules to fucking function every day. BUT I wasn't overfull AND hating myself. Win-win!

Rest of the weekend was good. Blah blah blah. No one cares. I weigh 199.4 pounds but am so weak I couldn't get out of bed this morning until like 7:30.

Real quick I want to revisit the rules. I have to follow these every day. When I feel myself losing my way (every goddamn hour) I have to fall back on these. If I do, my will ram a shiv in my fat face subsides, ever so slightly.

Also, re-ordered.

1. Out of bed by 6am.
2. In bed by 10pm.
3. One hour of recorded activity daily.
4. No buying breakfast or eating breakfast out.
5. Eat 5 servings of fruit during the day.
6. Eat a salad, for fuck's sake.
7. No soda.
8. No Starbucks.
9. No convenience stores except for gas.
10. Bring your lunch to work.
11. No restaurant desserts. You're full...that means stop eating.
12. No ice cream unless you are out with family.
13. No burgers AND fries. Pick one...or divide both in half.
14. No eating after 8pm.
15. No eating in car. Ever.
16. No food from work kitchen. Unless it's a skewers of fresh fruit. (It isn't.) 17. No donuts or candy bars or cookies or baked sweets of any kind.
18. Do not ever eat more than 2 slices of pizza in one meal
19. No drinking coffee after noon because it FUCKS your sleep.
20. No second helpings (unless you are at a money VEGAS buffet).
21. No sports drinks unless you just ran for two hours.
22. Do not fall asleep on the couch.
23. Do not watch tv for more than an hour.
24. Do not spend more than an hour on the computer when at home.
25. Brush and floss twice daily.

Those are 25 shitty habits that I need to break or establish. I would contend that unless you are an alcoholic or addicted to illegal narcotics, you could follow this list and be pretty happy with your life. Maybe.

[claphamsa]

which brewery?

[Subby]

Caboose Brewing Company (http://www.caboosebrewing.com/)

[Kodos]

Note to self: Start checking the Dynasty forum every day again.

Go Subby. You can do this! You kick ass on the bike. You just need to control your pie hole.

[Subby]

OFF THE FUCKING RAILS

So on a whim I took two of my kids (the pre-teens) on a two day trip to Williamsburg. The idea was to do Busch Gardens and Water Country and then intersperse that with trips to a few of my favorite haunts from my college days at William and Mary.

Day One worked out okay! Breakfast at home, reasonable PRETZEL SAUSAGE sandwich with BEER MUSTARD in the Germany section of Busch Gardens. I even passed on the Dippin Dots (ICE MILK OF THE FUTURE) that my kids got late in the day. When it comes to amusement parks, we ride hard and this time was no different. Non-stop rollercoaster action at Busch, then we moved on to Water Country for some hot and steamy waterpark action. Done by 7pm. We check in to the Marriott and decide to hit one of my old drinking holes for dinner. Fast forward to about 8:30pm, we are on the porch of College Delly, I have beer, my kids are sucking down root beers and we have a fucking ENORMOUS plate of the best cheese fries (with Bacon!) you have ever put in your mouth hole. We eat it and are so full we can barely choke down our entree meals. That's okay, because we are on a patio with beers and the weather is good and we are happy. We walk around campus a little, head back to the hotel and sleep hard for nine hours. SUCCESS.

Then comes day 2.

Never been to Duck Donuts before and god forbid I die before that happens, so we make the trek there, get a six pack and head over to an independent coffee shop that is somehow still standing in the 20+ years it debuted in a forgotten stripmall in the middle of nowhere. Coffee and donuts are good! However, I have now just ingested more sugar in one sitting than I had in the past three or four days combined. Then I take two dramamine because the SPINE TWISTING coasters at Busch Gardens had me feeling old and queasy. Then we go to ride some spine twisting coasters. The dramamine somehow makes me feel worse and I can barely stand I am so looped out on sugar and caffeine and dramamine. I feel like Belushi the second he realized he was probably going to die after that last speedball. Probably.

Around two o'clock, with my blood sugar pooling around my ankles, we head to a great sandwich shop right off campus. I decide I will make things better by adding chocolate milk to my meal (ARTISANALLY CRAFTED AT A LOCAL DAIRY!) So, more sugar. Then we head to Wythe Candy Shoppe to get stuff to bring back for the the rest of the family that couldn't be there. Still feeling woozy I decide that the best thing to do would be to by a half pound of mixed yogurt covered and chocolate covered pretzels. I proceed to eat almost all of them on the way to Water Country. Fast forward 60 minutes and I am floating face up in the wave pool in a diabetic coma. My kids kep coming to check on me, I keep waving them off. Finally, I start feeling better and we end up riding enough rides together to make the day awesome again.

Now we are driving home at 8pm and stop in Richmond to have dinner with my brother and his wife at the best taco place I have ever experienced (En Su Boca). I am GOOD there. I get water. I eat tacos. Unfortunately, we don't leave until 10pm and it's still a good 90 miles home. And I am TIRED. And of course there is highway construction, turning a 90 minute trip to a two and a half hour trip. And I am falling asleep. Now I am in survival mode, just doing anything I can to stay awake - which includes stopping at a convenience store (Whoops) to get a Coke Zero (no) and chowing down on the caramel and chocolate covered popcorn (no) we got as a free throw for spending THIRTY FUCKING DOLLARS at the candy store.

So we finally get home and my sugarbetes is so bad that I can't even see out of one eye (or maybe I dreamt that). I woke up this morning with the worst fucking sugar hangover since 12 year-old me ate about 17 Reggie candy bars in one sitting.

BUT!

You get off track It happens. That's why we have the list and it's the only thing that saved me today from stopping at Starbucks on the way in to work. Follow the list. Follow the list. Follow the list. Get back on track.

Somehow I gained 6 pounds in two days and now weigh 205. Hopefully that's a false flag, people.

[digamma]

Weigh in tomorrow. Commitment to post every day until February 5th. LIVE NUDE PICS A POSSIBILITY. I am that serious.


You are a God damned tease of a sexy, sexy man.

[Kodos]

Denny’s Market Researcher Emerges From Focus Group Shaken After Finding Out What Americans Really Want For Breakfast - The Onion - America's Finest News Source (http://www.theonion.com/article/dennys-market-researcher-emerges-focus-group-shake-51241)

This made me think of you, Subby.

[sterlingice]

I don't remember how I stumbled across this thread today but I really could use an update. I couldn't stop laughing after re-reading this for a bit

(EDIT: Sorry to everyone else who thought there was an update)

SI