A Rare Personal Thread...

[Sun Tzu]

First, I'd like to ask that anyone I'm friends with on Facebook to please keep any and all comments inside this thread. This is not something I'd like to become...social.

So, part of the reason I've come back here (twice) is because this has become a close, slightly dysfunctional, but always understanding community of quality people. It's segregated from Facebook, spouses, kids, etc...and despite all of the clashing political agendas, or opposing militarism viewpoints, we're still a community that supports each other when bad news comes to town.

I've only shared personal information with this board a few times, and I've been searching the forums high and low for other instances of people coming forward with similar events. I know a few of you (well, more than a few actually) have gone through this too, and the things you've posted over the years have already helped me feel less...alone in this. I'm not much for pity, and I have no intention if getting any via this thread. I just felt like...if someone two years from now goes through this same thing, and they find some comfort in this thread, then by gum I've done my part.

I believe in free thought. I believe in love. I believe that everyone is truly connected, and that love exists inside of us, between us, and it connects us, regardless of religion, ethnicity, nationality or color. I want nothing more than to perpetuate the idea that war and killing is not necessary, regardless of anyone's political or religious agenda. I want the next generation to have the option of choosing love over war, rather than having war thrust upon them and then telling them "it's just human nature, kiddo."

I want to be a father. I don't want to "raise" a child to think one way or another. Rather, I want to offer opinions and advice, but allow my son/daughter to form their own belief system based on what they see in the world. No pressures, no pre-conceived concrete right or wrongs, and no ignorant prejudices.

Those of you that followed my little family blog know that my beautiful Wife and I were going to start trying to have a baby shortly after our Europe trip. We did, indeed, start trying about two months ago. We were lucky enough to get pregnant on the very first try. We celebrated after getting the blood test, and proclaimed things like "strong swimmers!" and "hole in one!" We told our Mothers, her Father, her Grandparents, and our two closest "couple" friends. We haven't told anyone else...just in case.

Today my wife is just under 6 weeks along, and before the evening is out we will be in the ER to confirm/deny a miscarriage. She started spotting this morning, and by mid-day she had severe cramps and heavy bleeding. She called her OB who, according to the help nurse, will likely recommend we head to the ER.

My Wife is incredible, and very even-keeled. She cried, came to accept what's happening, and then cried some more. We both agreed that this will be just a bump in the road to building our family, and we will move on after this has passed. Still, it's hard not to feel the loss of what might have been. I haven't cried yet, but I imagine I will before my head hits the pillow tonight.

I know we will be fine, and just typing this all out has helped me emotionally come to grips with what's happening. I will thank you again for not sharing this information via Facebook or any other social medium. So, thanks for hearing me out, FOFC. I sincerely appreciate you letting me use you as an outlet for this.

xoxo

ST

[JediKooter]

Is this her first pregnancy? I'm no expert, but, I seem to recall that miscarriages are not rare for a first time pregnancy. I'm sure someone can correct me though if I'm wrong on this thinking.

Regardless, I hope it's happy news and not sad news. Keeping my fingers crossed for you guys.

[Rizon]

Yup, miscarriages are not rare in 1st trimester.

Not saying it makes it any easier, though. My wife miscarried in the past (2nd trimester), and my mother miscarried 4 times before I was born.

We waited until after the 4 month mark to tell anyone she was pregnant last year, just for the reason it's so hard to UNtell everyone after a miscarriage.

Edit: sorry for your loss man

[PilotMan]

I know how you feel, and the loss is heavy. Nobody else understands how you feel, and they say the most incredibly stupid things to try and make you feel better. Mostly they just end up pissing you off. My wife and I cried, after back to back miscarriages. Even though it was years ago, we still deal with that loss, as we eventually gave up trying for our 4th child. We couldn't endure anymore pain. I know and totally understand how you feel. I feel deep sadness for you. The joy of children will fill your house one day and it will help to ease the pain, but in the end it will never be forgotten.

[Lathum]

My wife and I have had 2 in the last year and it is very discouraging, especially because we wanted our son to be closer in age to his sibling. It sounds like you guys are in a good place about it. The important thing for your wife to remember is it is something purely biological. It was never viable. There is nothing in her behavior she could have altered to make a difference.

[Comey]

As someone who grew up as an only child with the knowledge that I should have three brothers and sisters, I'm sorry for your loss, and hope you're able to get back on track soon.

[Sun Tzu]

Yes, it is our first pregnancy. Thanks for letting me know about how common it can be.

Everyone that has posted in this thread (at least, I think everyone...save for Jedi), I read through your posts in the past about this. Thank you for saying something back then, and thank you again for saying something now.

Very much.

[lungs]

My brother and his wife have suffered through countless early miscarriages and have done all kinds of things until they finally gave up recently..... and she became pregnant is a few months past the point where she kept losing them originally. Not even close to out of the woods yet but we're hopeful. My brother is convinced that giving up helped the process because they weren't stressed about it anymore and it just happened.

I usually don't like to make animal/human comparisons, especially on a touchy subject like this but as somebody that manages hundreds of pregnancies a year in my cows, I truly know how delicate of a biological process it is.

Good luck to you and your wife.

[Kodos]

Sorry to hear this, Sun.

[Pyser]

very sad. i hope everything works out in the end for your guys.

[DaddyTorgo]

Sorry to hear this Sun Tzu.

[Glengoyne]

Among the toughest days I've experienced. The speed at which this develops is simply brutal. You are not alone, and that is not to say that because this is so common, that it doesn't matter. Just know that many others can relate to your loss, and for many of us this experience was just one step on the way to a much happier story.

[corbes]

Sending positive energy your way. Best wishes, truly.

[Honolulu_Blue]

Sorry to hear this. I have had many good friends go through the same thing. It's not easy. Good luck and all the best to you and your wife.

[spleen1015]

I am truly sorry for you, man. My wife and I have had our struggles in this area. It showed me how truly special and miraculous children are. I wish you and your wife all the best.

[I. J. Reilly]

My wife and I have had 2 in the last year and it is very discouraging, especially because we wanted our son to be closer in age to his sibling. It sounds like you guys are in a good place about it. The important thing for your wife to remember is it is something purely biological. It was never viable. There is nothing in her behavior she could have altered to make a difference.

I'm sorry man, I remember how awful that feeling is. When my wife and I had to go through this hearing the bolded part above really helped us.

[mauchow]

Sorry to hear, Tzu, as a new father two years ago I would also find this difficult to handle. I haven't personally dealt with a loss like this but just in the past year alone both my oldest brother and my youngest brother's wife/girlfriend miscarried to which point my wife told me that it happens 1 in every 4 pregnancies.

I know that doesn't help as others have said but I hope that you guys are able to get through it quickly and try again soon. This only shows how great of parents you'll be when you cared so much for something that was the size of a poppy seed.

[Lathum]

A word of advice also. If your wife is like mine she will
be an emotional mess until the pregnancy hormones work their way out of her system. Don't take anything personally and just be there for her when she wants and leave her alone when she wants. Give her space to grieve. You aren't a bad husband if you don't ask her what you can do all the time.

[JonInMiddleGA]

I'm about as close to your polar opposite as you're likely to find on this planet ... and I hope that you & your wife will accept my sincere condolences.

[Mizzou B-ball fan]

No worries, Sun. I know how much it sucks. We had miscarriages on our first two pregnancies in the first trimester. It's actually far more common than most know. It's painful because you're excited that you may soon have a child.

With that said, there is likely a light at the end of the tunnel. The fact that you all were able to even get pregnant is a promising sign. Many people struggle to even reach that point. We followed up our two miscarriages with two beautiful daughters. The miscarriages were tough, but everything happens for a reason. Best of luck moving forward.

[Wolfpack]

I, too, offer condolences. I've been there pretty recently myself. My wife is still emotionally recovering from it. It's hard to relate in some way because the bond of a pregnancy is something that only women truly get to have. I have thought about the loss occasionally and reflect in some wistful what-might-have-been way, but it's not even close to the same amount of loss my wife has felt, even though it was only a first-trimester miscarriage. We've been blessed with two girls already, so it's not like we are losing anything to ticking biological clocks or something of that nature, but it still hurts in its own way.

Regardless, prayers to you and your wife.

[tyketime]

First of all, I am very sorry. From the highest of highs to this is such a sucker punch. I will send good thoughts & prayers your way. I am amazed at how many of us have also suffered the pain of a miscarriage. Yes, we also belong to this group. Between our 1st and 2nd child, we lost one. Take good care of each other!

[Flasch186]

Sorry man.

Me and the Mrs. also got pregnant on our first try and eventually had a miscarriage. We soon thereafter got pregnant again and have a beautiful 2.10 year old. IT gets better as the calendar goes but youll try to figure out what mightve caused it. For example, we took a bumpy trolly ride in New Orleans just before it happened so now as we try for a second kid we've sworn off bumpy anything. Sorry again for your loss but its just the beginning of your story, not the end.

[Edward64]

Condolences to your family. Please be extra sensitive to your wife.

[CleBrownsfan]

My thoughts are with you two Sun Tzu.

[cougarfreak]

Horrible news. I'm fortunate enough to never have had to go through that. Hang in there, prayers your way.

[PurdueBrad]

I'm sorry Sun and, although I'm not very religious, I have faith that you will have the family you and your wife dream of. As you said, this will just be an obstacle. The wife and I are sending positive thoughts and prayers your way.

[Sun Tzu]

Thanks again, everyone. I appreciate the well wishes, positive energy, prayers, and condolences. As sad as it is to hear how many others have lived through this, it does help to hear how frequently it just winds up being a little bump in an otherwise beautiful trip down the road of becoming a Parent.

We finally talked to the OB, and she said the Emergency Room wouldn't be absolutely necessary unless she was losing mass amounts of blood (far more than she is now). The bleeding has tapered off, and the cramps have done the same. I'm going to watch her like a hawk for the next few days, but I think she's going to be ok. I woke-up at 4am this morning and she was sleeping like a rock...I guess that's good, right? :)

[BigDPW]

I am sorry to hear about your loss Sun Tzu. I have some close friends who were able to overcome about a half dozen miscarriages in their attempts to have a second child. They just recently had a beautiful baby girl. Having seen the struggles that they have been through with that experience I know it can be very difficult for you and your wife. I will pray for peace for you both and that God will provided you with the child you hope for.

[terpkristin]

ST (& wife of ST),

I hope that the update in post 28 continues to be good news. There are plenty here who have been in your shoes so they'll probably offer advice. All I can add is that I'll be thinking of you guys.

/tk

[MIJB#19]

Thanks again, everyone. I appreciate the well wishes, positive energy, prayers, and condolences. As sad as it is to hear how many others have lived through this, it does help to hear how frequently it just winds up being a little bump in an otherwise beautiful trip down the road of becoming a Parent.I haven't fact checked this yet, but from what I understand from the stories and listening carefully around me, roughly a 1/3rd of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. I admit I haven't gone through this as a parent (not being a parent), I was only a 3yo when I experienced it as a 'big' brother, so I wouldn't really be able to remember or feel the pain, it was relatively easy to forget when I got a brother a year.

From a distance, in recent years I've seen two couples around me, of whom the mothers I respect a lot for various reasons, go through it with the first pregnancy. In both situations, a half year later the second pregnancy arose. Coincidentally, both were somewhat complicated births, yet both of those resulted in beautiful healthy kids.

It's too blunt to say 'it happens', especially when it happens with the first, but when it goes alright in the next one, it will be a wonderful thing.

I'll still hop on the 'sorry for your loss' train, because it can't be easy to go through it first hand.

[M GO BLUE!!!]

Sorry about the miscarriage. :(

I thought I remembered reading somewhere how most pregnancies actually result in miscarriages, but most never get to the point where you even know she was pregnant. With everything that can hiccup down there, it's actually kinda a miracle that any of us make the finish line.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. And enjoy trying!

[Marc Vaughan]

Condolences to you and your family - really sorry to hear about this.

[BYU 14]

Sorry to hear this Sun, thoughts and prayers to you and your family.

[DanGarion]

Sorry about the bad news Sun, this is actually one of the things my wife and I have sort of struggled with. Although we aren't officially trying to have a child she has issues that in my mind would appear to make if difficult to conceive naturally, so I don't know what we are going to do.

[saldana]

very sorry Sun.

[GrantDawg]

Sorry to hear, Sun. My wife had a miscarriage shortly after our first child was born. It is always a tough thing to handle, especially for the woman. I think my wife to this day (15+ years later) still feels guilty, even though it was not her fault. Just reassure her and comfort her with everything you got.

[Sun Tzu]

Things are coming along quite well...we're smiling regularly and moving on. She still has to see the OB for some kind of confirmation, but other than that, I think we're as in the clear as you can be after something like this.

Thanks again for the well wishes :)

[PackerFanatic]

So sorry for your loss, ST...having gone through it just a couple years ago, I feel your pain. Even though we as the father-type aren't going through the physical pain, it's still just as hard - and definitely different than what your wife is going through. That was the hardest part for me - trying to figure out how to console her. It's not easy, but it will get better.

[Mizzou B-ball fan]

Looking forward to the next thread saying you've got a new bundle of joy!

[johnnyshaka]

Hang in there, Sun Tzu, time heals all.

[AgustusM]

15 and a half years ago while on a business trip together at a conference with my wife who was three months pregnant with our first, she miscarried (which is always awful, but in a hotel half way across the country even worse.) I will never forget that night, we were devastated. For me it was really the moment I became a "real" adult (I was 31 at the time)

Today - our oldest is 14 (the others 13,12 and 6) He is amazing, smart, great kid and I think all the time, as sad as we were that night, we wouldn't have this amazing kid now.

I know it hurts now, but it gets better. good luck, keep your head up.

[StLee]

Hey, man. I went through the same thing earlier this year. In February my wife found out she was pregnant. A month later, she started bleeding and the doctor confirmed that she had miscarried.

Hang in there. And we'll keep you guys in our prayers.

[AnalBumCover]

This is my first time reading this thread.

We also experienced this with our first pregnancy in 2010. During our first OB visit, we were excited to hear/see our child's hearbeat for the first time on the ultrasound. But there was none to be found. It was a devastating discovery that really didn't hit me until much later (read: months later). But it affected my wife immediately and immensly, and I had no idea how to console her. Eventually, I was able to understand our loss and I cried with my wife and finally have closure.

A year later we got pregnant again, and now have a beautiful baby daugter who just recently turned 18 months.

Hang in there Sun Tzu. Just make sure you be there for your wife during this ordeal. Happy times will come.

[Lathum]

My wife and I have a 2.5 year old. A year and a half ago we discovered she was pregnant again we were so excited. Before we even did the first ultrasound she had begun bleeding and we knew. Ultrasound confirmed. About 7 months after that she was pregnant again, went for ultrasound, no heart beat, went back a week later they thought they saw a faint one, 2 weeks later went back again and nothing. The waiting and hoping was the worst, by that point we were getting older and had lost 2 in the last year, we were wondering if Colin would be an only child.

Fast forward to today, 7 week appointment, first ultrasound. Heartbeat strong as can be, everything looks great. Dr. compared ultrasounds from every time and said this one looks just as good as our sons did at 7 weeks. We are elated, yet still cautious.

The point is don't give up hope, persistence pays off, and while it is difficult when it doesn't work out, there is nothing like hearing your childs heartbeat for the first time.

As always please no comments on facebook about this, its too early to tell people.