How difficult is it...

[Butter]

...for you to bite your tongue when your spouse/SO tells you something that really bothers them, but it doesn't seem to you like it should bother them?

For example: today, my wife calls me and tells me that the women at her work invited her to lunch with them. Fine, I think. Then she says that she asked them to just let her know when they're going. It was a group of 5-7 women. They left without her, and she didn't find out until probably a few minutes after they left. I suggest she just meet them at the restaurant as they probably just forgot to tell her since it was a largish group, and her normal response to them is "no", because we're trying to save money. Today, she said ok. But, her instant assumption is that they ment something malicious by not telling her when they were leaving, despite asking her in the first place. She says that she's never going out to lunch with any of them again.

At this point, it's pretty difficult for me not to say "Give me a fuckin' break." I instead say, "I'm sorry, I guess I wouldn't go to lunch with them either." I stay silent the rest of the call.

My question is, at what point do you actually say to your spouse/SO, "give me a break, the world is not against you!" And how would you put it mildly, so as not to spark a giant fight? I find myself often cramming extremely smart comments down my throat in favor of lighter language so as not to start a debate. I'm such a smart ass, that if I said everything I thought, I'd be alone until I die. My smart remarks are generally tinged with meanness, too, so that's why I say that.

I guess I'm finished now. :)

[KWhit]

Originally posted by Butter_of_69
[My question is, at what point do you actually say to your spouse/SO, "give me a break, the world is not against you!" [/B]

NEVER.


I go through this every day with my wife. She's a little over-dramatic (actress) and everything is a crisis with her. I learned early on that it's best to always side with her. Trust me.

[cthomer5000]

It's as if you've taken these thoughts directly out of my head.

[cthomer5000]

From my personal experience, women are more likely to believe that experiences are specific or unique to them, and not just shit everyone goes through. My longtime girlfriend (almost 3 years) has an unbelievable flair for the dramatic, and it seems like every week something "huge" has happened. It always seems so minor to me I'm surprised she's even mentioning it.

EDIT: and you'll never win by telling them how it really is. The best you can do is try to help them problem-solve the situation step-by-step. It's impossible to tell them that they are indeed overreacting.

[Craptacular]

My general response is to say, "If it bothers you, then do something about it.", often followed by a suggestion of what to do. However, in a case like Butter's, my suggestion would likely be something like "ask them what happened, but don't assume it was intentional". You've got to find a happy medium between siding with her unconditionally and saying exactly what's on your mind.

[moriarty]

Well according to 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus', women simply want to talk about the problem to make them feel better. The worst thing you can do is try and solve their problems or tell them 'it's not a big deal'. Instead the idea is to listen to them, emphathize (sp?) with them, and show them you are genuinely concerned. It's the process they like, not the answer.

Note this is in direct contrast to what Men want. Men tend to only ask for advice or talk about problems when they want a solution. 'Don't tell me how you feel, just give me a freaking answer to help me out'.

Anyways I think that's how it goes. Note: yes, I'm a complete pansy for having read that book, but the wife promised me a little something in return for reading it. ;)

edited for grammer

[The Afoci]

Originally posted by moriarty
Anyways I think that's how it goes. Note: yes, I'm a complete pansy for having read that book, but the wife promised me a little something in return for reading it. ;)


Did she give you your pants back too? ;)

[moriarty]

No, but I got a nice pink purse out of the deal. :D

[Maple Leafs]

Strange... apparently Butter_of_69 is also married to my wife.

Edit: This is my life:
http://www.recoilmag.com/news/area_husband_pretends_0702.html

[Fidatelo]

This is the best thread since colossal squid. I'll be checking this one every 10 minutes for the rest of the day.

[Maple Leafs]

Originally posted by Craptacular
My general response is to say, "If it bothers you, then do something about it.", often followed by a suggestion of what to do. Does she wait until you're done talking before she starts throwing punches, or does she just start wailing right away?

Seriously, when my wife starts "discussing" some mundane problem whose solution is immediately obvious, I find that pointing it out is usually a good way to start a fight about how I dont "get it". I've read somewhere that women don't want you to solve their problems, they just want you to listen -- which to me seems like an amazing waste of time, but what do I know.

Of course, maybe she'd take it better if I didn't end my suggestion by pointing at her and saying "Problem", then pointing at myself and saying "Solution".

[Bee]

Originally posted by Craptacular
My general response is to say, "If it bothers you, then do something about it.", often followed by a suggestion of what to do. However, in a case like Butter's, my suggestion would likely be something like "ask them what happened, but don't assume it was intentional". You've got to find a happy medium between siding with her unconditionally and saying exactly what's on your mind.

How comfortable is your couch?

[Jets80]

Woodman is my hero.

[Fidatelo]

Now to reply with something (potentially) useful to the conversation :) ...

I have found that when to speak my mind, in a situation such as the one described above, directly correlates to the sex of the 'offender'.

If it's something a guy has done, I will generally offer my advice. I feel that I will be at least as qualified (if not more) than her at determining the intent of a guy, as I am in fact one of them. As a guy, I generally know that most of us don't do those sorts of malicious social things on purpose. A guy is more than likely to have simply forgotten.

If the 'offender' is another woman, forget it. I keep my mouth shut and hope for a swift resolution. Women don't just 'forget' things. Ever. They have the minds of elephants. I swear my girlfriend keeps a "Book of Wrongdoings" somewhere, I just haven't found it yet. If a woman feels another woman has slighted her, chances are she could be right. Maybe not, but maybe so, and I'm certainly not getting myself in the line of fire either way. :D

edited for grammer

[scooper]

My wife complains about going out with the ladies from work and talks about how fake they are and how miserable it is to eat with them. Then when they do something without her, she gets all mad about it.

[Craptacular]

Originally posted by Maple Leafs
Does she wait until you're done talking before she starts throwing punches, or does she just start wailing right away?

Originally posted by Bee
How comfortable is your couch?

LOL :)

Well, my wife knows that I don't want to solve all her problems. I do let her vent at/to me pretty much as often as she wants, but I usually tell her she has to decide what to do. I've always been a very independent person, and I'm trying to get some of that to rub off on her ... while still being able to rub ... ok, that's enough.

[Butter]

Here's the brief e-mail back and forth that ensued, so I'm sure I'll hear about it when I get home, but hopefully it won't be so bad:


Her:
they forgot about me and left without me.

Me:
Just meet them over there.

Her:
No. It makes me mad.

(Then we talked on the phone, at which point I had the evil thoughts posted above)

Then, me:
Sorry, honey, but I honestly don't think they MEANT to forget to tell you
they were leaving. Just forgot. I'm sure a good number of people have
asked you out to lunch before, but you usually said no. It was thoughtless
of them to not tell you they were leaving, but I don't think they were being
mean. Just make a joke out of it, I bet they'll be apologetic and want you
to come another time.

If they're not apologetic about it, but kinda snarky, then don't go out to
lunch with them ever again.

At least I still love you. :)

Her:
What a wonderful reply! Now, you may surely engage in sexual intercourse with my hot work friend, who looks similar to Drew Barrymore. I've even set up the hotel room, and here's her number!

OK, that was a lie.

I'm sure they didn't meant to forget me. But, it's still upsetting. [Work person]
apologized and said that she's just so used to everyone sitting near each
other and just hearing when they were leaving that she just forgot to let me
know.


Not that I would cheat on my wife, but c'mon! She looks like Drew frickin' Barrymore! I guess I'm off topic now, though. :)

[moriarty]

Originally posted by Maple Leafs
Strange... apparently Butter_of_69 is also married to my wife.

Edit: This is my life:
http://www.recoilmag.com/news/area_husband_pretends_0702.html

Classic - the picture in that link is worth well more than a thousand words.

[Maple Leafs]

Originally posted by Butter_of_69
I'm sure they didn't meant to forget me. But, it's still upsetting. Are you sure you're not married to my wife? It sounds like her, but I think I would have known about the Drew Barrymore co-worker.

What's a typical conversation between my wife and I, you ask? Why, I can picture it now (tm)....

Wife: I feel as if (insert completely implausible scenario here)
Me: But (insert statement that accurately reflects reality)
Wife: Yes, I know, but I feel (insert completely implausible scenario, again)
Me: But you do acknowledge that (reality)
Wife: Yes, but you're not listening. I FEEL that (insert wifey bullshit)
Me: But... you don't dispute (reality)
Wife: I'm cheating on you.

Etc.

[Butter]

&

[Butter]

Maybe that psych. test was wrong, maybe I AM histrionic.