New Chapter in my Life Starting

[Galaril]

So, have seen a few of these threads over the years and never thought I would be going through it especially at 45. But my wife of 11 years and I have agreed to separate with her moving out on her own. We had briefly tried counseling and even our church for some support to get us back on track but to little to late I am afraid. My wife and I sat down the other day and agreed we never would be happy like we were years ago. We have agreed not to fight over things and my wife has been primarily the at home wife with me making 90% of the household income,. She does have a part time job as a group fitness instructor but is looking to see what she can do to supplement that. We are going to get a support agreement drawn up prior to going to a lawyer and we have agreed to joint custody of our two kids one 6 and the other 11. That being said they will reside with me in the house we have which my wife also has no interest in or ability to keep up the mortgage payment. I have proposed a set spousal maintence amount either lump sum one time or monthly over 2 or 3 years. I am also going to give with the monthly a proportion of the saving s we have which isn't a large amount but will be enough to help her on her way to a new beginning as I do not wish her ill will or want to see her out on the street some day.
She is in the process of moving out and once that is done in the next few months I am going to be involving a lawyer to get the 90 day clock going as we have in Colorado.
It certainly will be a new start and a bit scary being "back out there at 45 again" but I have kept myself in good health and shape with a higher income job so should be fine with I decide to remarry someday or stay single. I am most concerned about my kids not comingout of this too screwed up. Fortunately I a great core group of close friends and a family though not close that is lending emotional support.
- Dan

[Edward64]

Sorry to hear. Hang in there and focus on the kids.

[Chief Rum]

Tough news, Galaril. Stay strong. Sounds like you guys are handling it right, but be prepared for the impact it will have on your kids. Good luck with everything.

[spleen1015]

Sorry man. Best of luck into the future!

[Danny]

I wish you and your kids the best.

I do have to say though, I think your wife is getting screwed in regards to who is getting what in the divorce.

[Galaril]

I wish you and your kids the best.

I do have to say though, I think your wife is getting screwed in regards to who is getting what in the divorce.

Yeah yeah can't disagree. Her idea. The house is mostly mortgage with little equity and frankly she wants to be single and seems to not be interesting in the domestic lifestyle anymore. So, taking the house and kids for her is a hassle. Also, even if we took it to a judge lawyers have told me likely since she can't afford the home she wouldn't get it. She figures the best thing is I keep the house and raise the kids there which hopefully will give them some sense of normal. She is getting off having to deal with any debt (mortgage) and no child support though.

[Danny]

Yeah yeah can't disagree. Her idea. The noise is mostly mortgage little equity and frankly she wants to be single and seems to not be interesting in the domestic lifestyle anymore so taking the house and kids for her is a hassle. Also, even if we took it to a judge lawyers have told me likely since she can't afford the home she wouldn't get it. She figures the best thing is I keep the house and raise the kids there which hopefully will give them some sense of normal. Frankly, she is getting off having to deal with any debt (mortgage) and no child support though.

Ah, that's unfortunate. I hope she still maintains a strong presence in your kids lives for their sake.

[Galaril]

Ah, that's unfortunate. I hope she still maintains a strong presence in your kids lives for their sake.

Yes me too. But she is at this point almost abandoning them to me which is frankly better for them and everyone around us as told us the same. I also have no problem with this. My wife is western university educated but born and raised in Korea where after divorce husbands often get everything after divorce so this I guess is a culture difference though it is starting to change in Korea these days.

[DaddyTorgo]

Sorry to hear this Galaril. Might be for the best and totally amicable and all, but still tough to hear.

[Flasch186]

Being in housing I hear a TON of stories of separation and divorce. It sucks.

[Comey]

I'm sorry Dan. I've been through what you're going through, and I offer my condolences.

[Galaril]

Thanks to all that took the time to read my post and offer words of encouragement or empathy. It is a tough pill to swallow but will fight the good fight onward.

[JPhillips]

Sorry to hear. Keep your spirits up and don't be afraid to talk. Good luck.

[Dutch]

Sorry to hear it.

[Kodos]

Really sorry to hear this. It sounds like you are handling it well, and have your kids set as your top priority. Hang in there and help your kids. But lean on FOFC as much as you need to. We have a pretty good bunch of people here.

[JonInMiddleGA]

Keep the kids at the forefront of all decisions (as it sounds like has been done).

Beyond that, no advice, just my best wishes that things get a little better every day going forward.

[SegRat]

Best wishes.

[Solecismic]

Sorry to hear this. It doesn't sound like this is what you wanted.

Kids are resilient. If both of you keep them out of any disputes or nastiness between you (and it sounds like you both want that) they'll adapt to the new life.

My 13-year marriage ended at 43. Five years later, I'm married again, and had the opportunity to take a considerable amount of time for introspection and figure out what life was about in the interim.

And, yeah, today's mid-40s dating world is a lot like being a kid in a candy store. I took my time and found someone who really understands marriage.

[Galaril]

Sorry to hear this. It doesn't sound like this is what you wanted.

Kids are resilient. If both of you keep them out of any disputes or nastiness between you (and it sounds like you both want that) they'll adapt to the new life.

My 13-year marriage ended at 43. Five years later, I'm married again, and had the opportunity to take a considerable amount of time for introspection and figure out what life was about in the interim.

And, yeah, today's mid-40s dating world is a lot like being a kid in a candy store. I took my time and found someone who really understands marriage.

Thanks Jim this post meant alot from someone been there done that tshirt.

[Eaglesfan27]

I went through this a few years ago (sans kids) and it was very tough but I came out in a much better place and am now happily re-married. Like others have said, as long as you keep the nastiness away from the kids, they will be fine. They are incredibly resilient and as long as you don't put them in the middle of any of the problems, they will do well. However, if they start having troubles, don't be afraid to seek out some counseling for them. Best of luck to you and the kids.

[BYU 14]

So sorry Dan, went through this at 38 and now 50 and been married coming up on 8 years and minus one very rough 2 month stretch it has been amazing the 2nd time. Stay strong and know the road back to happiness is not as long as it seems now, as long as you keep taking it step by step.

Best of luck

[Galaril]

I wish you and your kids the best.

I do have to say though, I think your wife is getting screwed in regards to who is getting what in the divorce.

So, someone been talking to my wife about what she should have coming to her and boy she got smart fast. Granted I had low balled her but since the kids were going to be with me 80% of he time and I am stuck with the house and mortgage it was that bad. Well insteadof my original offer of 1500 a month for 3 years she is now asking for $3000 a month 66 months ouch. Now this is pretty much what I would get going to court and losing except I might wind up out of the house and have the kids only a third of the time instead. Plus, since she is a foreign national on a green card (Korea) long term she could go and haul the kids off to Korea just to fuck me. Though don't worry about that as she knows she would be brought up on kidnapping charges likely and that would not benefit the kids for sure. So, she has told me since she has been with me tens years and taken care of the kids for me all that time while I grew my career that is what she has coming to her and deserves. Frankly, I can't argue with that much at this point. My future earning potential even at 51 when the alimony would be done is going to be higher than her by easily a $100,000 so.... I guess this is the best "deal" coming. I have countered her offer with 4 years but doubt that will fly. Anyways, kind of screwed it seems and am really feeling like the last 10 years of my life were a complete waste.

[EagleFan]

Wow, sorry to hear all that. Sorry to say but she also sounds like a heartless b*tch if that previous sentiment of the kids being a hassle is actually her sentiment.

Wish you the best.

[DaddyTorgo]

Amazing how these divorcing women seem to smarten up real fast.

[MacroGuru]

So, someone been talking to my wife about what she should have coming to her and boy she got smart fast. Granted I had low balled her but since the kids were going to be with me 80% of he time and I am stuck with the house and mortgage it was that bad. Well insteadof my original offer of 1500 a month for 3 years she is now asking for $3000 a month 66 months ouch. Now this is pretty much what I would get going to court and losing except I might wind up out of the house and have the kids only a third of the time instead. Plus, since she is a foreign national on a green card (Korea) long term she could go and haul the kids off to Korea just to fuck me. Though don't worry about that as she knows she would be brought up on kidnapping charges likely and that would not benefit the kids for sure. So, she has told me since she has been with me tens years and taken care of the kids for me all that time while I grew my career that is what she has coming to her and deserves. Frankly, I can't argue with that much at this point. My future earning potential even at 51 when the alimony would be done is going to be higher than her by easily a $100,000 so.... I guess this is the best "deal" coming. I have countered her offer with 4 years but doubt that will fly. Anyways, kind of screwed it seems and am really feeling like the last 10 years of my life were a complete waste.

Fight it, I hate to say it, but fight it unless your counsel says otherwise.

There are legal limits on the amounts of alimony and child support that can be awarded in most states...

[Lathum]

You have two great kids. Nothin about that is a waste.

[DaddyTorgo]

Yeah - don't get taken to the cleaners man. If she takes you to the cleaners once she'll just keep coming back for more. I've seen it happen to my business partner. He's a bit weak under the guise of "loving the kids" and gets railroaded by his ex. She's constantly getting him to pay for extra stuff "for the kids" outside of alimony and child support (music lessons, etc), which is what the child-support money should go for.

[Matthean]

My middle brother had a child out of wedlock and the woman was notorious for coming back and asking for more money.

[sterlingice]

I know nothing about this situation at all but from the outside looking in, this sounds like a job for your lawyer. Sounds like time for an "impartial" look at how this should happen.

SI

[B & B]

Amazing how these divorcing women seem to smarten up real fast.

The Fucking Rake.

[Galaril]

Thansk all. For sure the settlement will be reviewed by my lawyer but unfortunately in Colorado they have a new alimony law that sets the standard at about 40% of AGI so this is sad to say still not to far off from what a court will give her. I am still going to run the full amount by my lawyer to be sure this is not pushing the limit. I am also definitely going to have this be unmodifiable. So no chnace of her getting any extra later on. Now that she has gone tis direction and made it combative she gets this money whtever it is and not another second of my consideration or a cent extra. I pretty much consider her furniture.

[Galaril]

You have two great kids. Nothin about that is a waste.

Thanks great point.

[JonInMiddleGA]

I pretty much consider her furniture.

I hate to say this quite so depressingly but ... that seems to be a pretty normal milestone in the healing process, best I can tell. Those who don't reach it seem to fare the worst.

Carry on.

[SegRat]

Best of luck. I am in a similar situation with my divorce. Just can't wait for it to be over.

[Solecismic]

When someone insists on everything they've heard is theirs under the law, they put their opponent in a no-lose position.

Just like in poker, always call a bluff when you have nothing to lose. Worry about worst case when you have to match a raise, not otherwise.

Some lawyers aren't good at this sort of thing. Make sure you have a good lawyer. You want to avoid court, but not give the perception that you're afraid of court.

If the worry about moving to Korea is real, put a hold on the kids' passports with the State department or take them away if they already have them. Extradition is very difficult, maybe impossible, once she's left the country. Sure, you could have her arrested when she returns, but the damage will already have been done and she might not come back on her own. This should be a higher priority than the settlement right now.

[Galaril]

When someone insists on everything they've heard is theirs under the law, they put their opponent in a no-lose position.

Just like in poker, always call a bluff when you have nothing to lose. Worry about worst case when you have to match a raise, not otherwise.

Some lawyers aren't good at this sort of thing. Make sure you have a good lawyer. You want to avoid court, but not give the perception that you're afraid of court.

If the worry about moving to Korea is real, put a hold on the kids' passports with the State department or take them away if they already have them. Extradition is very difficult, maybe impossible, once she's left the country. Sure, you could have her arrested when she returns, but the damage will already have been done and she might not come back on her own. This should be a higher priority than the settlement right now.

Thanks. We are going to use a mediator to try to wrap some of this up and get it over with. Yes, I have put a hold on there passports with state department . I got them in the house as well as birth certs so covered those bases.

[Solecismic]

The temptation with mediation is to give things away to keep the peace. If both parties are willing, that can work nicely. But if only one person wants to give on issues, keeping the peace gets very expensive.

From what you've written, I think mediation won't be effective. Definitely go, and listen to what she has to say, but as long as she's talking about what's hers according to new laws and she seems to think that's appropriate, agreeing to anything could be a costly mistake.

What I offered in mediation was a lot better for my ex than what my lawyer negotiated with her lawyer. I thought being generous would buy me some understanding. It didn't. Fortunately, she got bad advice from her friends and didn't accept my offer.

Let the lawyers work this out. Make sure you get a good one who believes in keeping things out of court (the court stuff is what really can hurt the kids, because it drags things out and the lawyers wind up with so much more of your money) and make sure she has every opportunity to find one she likes.

Oh, and find a good hiding place for the certs and the passports. Not that there's a huge risk, but if she decides she wants to pull an Irsay, there needs to be one big stumbling block.

[Galaril]

The temptation with mediation is to give things away to keep the peace. If both parties are willing, that can work nicely. But if only one person wants to give on issues, keeping the peace gets very expensive.

From what you've written, I think mediation won't be effective. Definitely go, and listen to what she has to say, but as long as she's talking about what's hers according to new laws and she seems to think that's appropriate, agreeing to anything could be a costly mistake.

What I offered in mediation was a lot better for my ex than what my lawyer negotiated with her lawyer. I thought being generous would buy me some understanding. It didn't. Fortunately, she got bad advice from her friends and didn't accept my offer.

Let the lawyers work this out. Make sure you get a good one who believes in keeping things out of court (the court stuff is what really can hurt the kids, because it drags things out and the lawyers wind up with so much more of your money) and make sure she has every opportunity to find one she likes.

Oh, and find a good hiding place for the certs and the passports. Not that there's a huge risk, but if she decides she wants to pull an Irsay, there needs to be one big stumbling block.

Thanks

[Bonegavel]

I love the way Jim thinks and I wish I had posted here 4+ years ago and received his wisdom when I walked down this path.

My own advice:
1) retain a lawyer - they should keep you from doing anything stupid (I didn't get one and could kick myself). And as was mentioned above, stay out of court if you can help it.
2) don't try and reconcile at this point - once they are done, they are done. If you are at all interested in staying together she may use that against you and give you false hope that it is possible but it is only a ploy to get you to agree to things you shouldn't.
3) Be fair. I gave more than I should have and, while I wish I would have done things more evenly I'm glad I didn't try "screwing" her over even though she is the one that asked for the divorce and she was in charge of our money during the marriage.
4) Move on. Don't stay hung up on her. It's like a death and you will go through all the stages but try getting to the last one as quickly as possible.
5) Don't ever talk bad about your wife around the kids even though she may deserve your anger and vitriol. I walked around for a little in self pity and mentioned to my daughter more than once how "your mother left me." Holy shit I wish I could take all that back. Trust me, I cannot stand my ex but I never ever say anything negative about her. I kept/keep telling my daughter that we both love her very much and I prove it every day by being there for her and taking care of her even beyond my 50%.

Also, don't challenge your ex's rules at her home even if you don't agree with them. And by this I mean you should talk to the ex directly, don't do this by telling your children "your mom lets you do what?" and then proceeding to complain to them about what your ex lets them do. This is huge. Take it directly to her but in the end, understand that her rules are her rules and your rules are your rules.

6) Take charge of your own money in the future. If/when you move on with somebody else take care of your own money. Obviously this only applies if you are the sort who didn't in the past. I was the sort to let my other half take care of the finances and I think that is a huge mistake. Stay involved in the money.
7) Most important of all: don't make the same mistake again. Take your time looking for a new mate. Get to love living on your own and find somebody that makes you want to give it up. Don't fall back into the same patterns. Go on a few dates and don't be afraid to say "sorry, I don't think this is working" as soon as possible. Going through this was HELL and I don't ever want to repeat it. I very well may stay single the rest of my life and I'm okay with that.

When I first went through this I was 39. I felt old, unlovable, and I thought my life was over. Turns out I was wrong. Well, I still feel old, but you know what I mean. Get out there. Meet new people. Friends will open opportunities to meeting new people. But remember #7 most of all. Don't settle ever again. Ever. There is somebody out there that matches your life. Find her.

[BillJasper]

Good luck moving forward, Galaril.

[Galaril]

I love the way Jim thinks and I wish I had posted here 4+ years ago and received his wisdom when I walked down this path.

My own advice:
1) retain a lawyer - they should keep you from doing anything stupid (I didn't get one and could kick myself). And as was mentioned above, stay out of court if you can help it.
2) don't try and reconcile at this point - once they are done, they are done. If you are at all interested in staying together she may use that against you and give you false hope that it is possible but it is only a ploy to get you to agree to things you shouldn't.
3) Be fair. I gave more than I should have and, while I wish I would have done things more evenly I'm glad I didn't try "screwing" her over even though she is the one that asked for the divorce and she was in charge of our money during the marriage.
4) Move on. Don't stay hung up on her. It's like a death and you will go through all the stages but try getting to the last one as quickly as possible.
5) Don't ever talk bad about your wife around the kids even though she may deserve your anger and vitriol. I walked around for a little in self pity and mentioned to my daughter more than once how "your mother left me." Holy shit I wish I could take all that back. Trust me, I cannot stand my ex but I never ever say anything negative about her. I kept/keep telling my daughter that we both love her very much and I prove it every day by being there for her and taking care of her even beyond my 50%.

Also, don't challenge your ex's rules at her home even if you don't agree with them. And by this I mean you should talk to the ex directly, don't do this by telling your children "your mom lets you do what?" and then proceeding to complain to them about what your ex lets them do. This is huge. Take it directly to her but in the end, understand that her rules are her rules and your rules are your rules.

6) Take charge of your own money in the future. If/when you move on with somebody else take care of your own money. Obviously this only applies if you are the sort who didn't in the past. I was the sort to let my other half take care of the finances and I think that is a huge mistake. Stay involved in the money.
7) Most important of all: don't make the same mistake again. Take your time looking for a new mate. Get to love living on your own and find somebody that makes you want to give it up. Don't fall back into the same patterns. Go on a few dates and don't be afraid to say "sorry, I don't think this is working" as soon as possible. Going through this was HELL and I don't ever want to repeat it. I very well may stay single the rest of my life and I'm okay with that.

When I first went through this I was 39. I felt old, unlovable, and I thought my life was over. Turns out I was wrong. Well, I still feel old, but you know what I mean. Get out there. Meet new people. Friends will open opportunities to meeting new people. But remember #7 most of all. Don't settle ever again. Ever. There is somebody out there that matches your life. Find her.


Thanks for this advice. I will pay heed and am still waiting to see if a need to retain a lawyer. My wife is " collecting " information as she still is not sure she is getting enough:) so I already have a couple of lawyers on speed dial in case she shows any more signs of getting more than is reasonable and that line may already have been crossed.

[Galaril]

I love the way Jim thinks and I wish I had posted here 4+ years ago and received his wisdom when I walked down this path.

My own advice:
1) retain a lawyer - they should keep you from doing anything stupid (I didn't get one and could kick myself). And as was mentioned above, stay out of court if you can help it.
2) don't try and reconcile at this point - once they are done, they are done. If you are at all interested in staying together she may use that against you and give you false hope that it is possible but it is only a ploy to get you to agree to things you shouldn't.
3) Be fair. I gave more than I should have and, while I wish I would have done things more evenly I'm glad I didn't try "screwing" her over even though she is the one that asked for the divorce and she was in charge of our money during the marriage.
4) Move on. Don't stay hung up on her. It's like a death and you will go through all the stages but try getting to the last one as quickly as possible.
5) Don't ever talk bad about your wife around the kids even though she may deserve your anger and vitriol. I walked around for a little in self pity and mentioned to my daughter more than once how "your mother left me." Holy shit I wish I could take all that back. Trust me, I cannot stand my ex but I never ever say anything negative about her. I kept/keep telling my daughter that we both love her very much and I prove it every day by being there for her and taking care of her even beyond my 50%.

Also, don't challenge your ex's rules at her home even if you don't agree with them. And by this I mean you should talk to the ex directly, don't do this by telling your children "your mom lets you do what?" and then proceeding to complain to them about what your ex lets them do. This is huge. Take it directly to her but in the end, understand that her rules are her rules and your rules are your rules.

6) Take charge of your own money in the future. If/when you move on with somebody else take care of your own money. Obviously this only applies if you are the sort who didn't in the past. I was the sort to let my other half take care of the finances and I think that is a huge mistake. Stay involved in the money.
7) Most important of all: don't make the same mistake again. Take your time looking for a new mate. Get to love living on your own and find somebody that makes you want to give it up. Don't fall back into the same patterns. Go on a few dates and don't be afraid to say "sorry, I don't think this is working" as soon as possible. Going through this was HELL and I don't ever want to repeat it. I very well may stay single the rest of my life and I'm okay with that.

When I first went through this I was 39. I felt old, unlovable, and I thought my life was over. Turns out I was wrong. Well, I still feel old, but you know what I mean. Get out there. Meet new people. Friends will open opportunities to meeting new people. But remember #7 most of all. Don't settle ever again. Ever. There is somebody out there that matches your life. Find her.

Good luck moving forward, Galaril.

Thanks.

[Qwikshot]

Yeah good luck...after my ex-gf and I broke up, my daughter would always ask why rules were different and I said there are different rules for different homes and that seems to prevent any tension. I can't say that I approved of some of the things but at least I could control what I could when she was under my roof.

I am concerned about the nationality thing, be on guard and have funds should there be a flight risk...

[Galaril]

So yesterday marked me and my wife agreeing on a fair settlement from both our perspectives and BAM today I get laid the fuck off Sr Director IT at the end of the day. So much for my wife and worrying about our divorce and getting that had settled. I talk to my attorney and he says "you got laid off that is great news!" I say 'what?" and he explains if we are pushed to proceed with the divorce while I am unemployed 30% of 0 is still 0. Got to love a slimy lawyer. Still feel like God is really shitting on me the last few months between the divorxe and now losing a job at a place I gave them everything.

[JPhillips]

Sorry to hear. Keep your chin up.

[IlliniCub]

Dang man sorry to hear, hope it gets better

[Solecismic]

That's terrible. Not great news at all. At least you'll have a little time to discover who you are at 45.

Don't let your lawyer play the 30% of 0 card to your stbx (soon-to-be-ex). It puts her in the position of having nothing to lose. Try and work out a temporary imputed income to make calculations from, and some sort of mechanism for readjusting once you're employed again.

[Galaril]

That's terrible. Not great news at all. At least you'll have a little time to discover who you are at 45.

Don't let your lawyer play the 30% of 0 card to your stbx (soon-to-be-ex). It puts her in the position of having nothing to lose. Try and work out a temporary imputed income to make calculations from, and some sort of mechanism for readjusting once you're employed again.

So I found out my wife has withdrawn the divorce case and "fired" her divorce attorney as there is no cash to get at this point. Clarification both , I and my wife as well as kids are still in the house living together so nothing normal about our situation but for the time being till I figure out long term employment it will be stats quo.

[sterlingice]

Hold on- what? So she said "no more divorce until you get a new job I can get more money out of"?

SI

[Flasch186]

That sounds awful.

[BYU 14]

Hold on- what? So she said "no more divorce until you get a new job I can get more money out of"?

SI

Yeah, don't like the sound of that at all. Man, I feel for you Dan, tough situation all around right now for you and your kids. Hang in there.

[mauchow]

I don't know how it works but get shit figured out now for when it happens again later.

Come to legal binding agreements before hand..post nuptial agreement. Do those exist?

[cougarfreak]

Didn't catch this the first time around, hand in there and keep your head up.

[Galaril]

Hold on- what? So she said "no more divorce until you get a new job I can get more money out of"?

SI

Well actually my lawyer even stated my wife and her attorney have no choice but to withdraw till [I] am employed. Hard to say if my next gig will be as well paying as this one. I remain optimistic but jobs paying mid 100K range don/t fall off trees.

[Solecismic]

So, why can't you file for divorce at this time? If your lawyer is decent, he might be able to use that to execute a better settlement than if you all wait until you're employed again.

She has, by beginning this process, eliminated any sympathy she would receive from a judge for your current situation.

In the meantime, you might want to ensure she doesn't do anything funky with bank accounts. Follow your lawyer's advice there.

[Galaril]

So, why can't you file for divorce at this time? If your lawyer is decent, he might be able to use that to execute a better settlement than if you all wait until you're employed again.

She has, by beginning this process, eliminated any sympathy she would receive from a judge for your current situation.

In the meantime, you might want to ensure she doesn't do anything funky with bank accounts. Follow your lawyer's advice there.

Thanks. by continuing to file there literally won't be a financial settlement.

[Galaril]

So finally got some good news to report. My last day at the old job was January 2nd with a good severance package. Today I accepted a great offer from a real awesome organization for basically the same job I did at my last company Senior Director of IT Security. I have gotten a great first impression /vibe from the SVP who I would work for. Also, really like the others that would be my peers in the IT department. Lastly, compensation is 20% more than the last job so great news. On the divorce front it is still happening and my wife and I have a very fair settlement agreement worked out we are all happy with.

[JonInMiddleGA]

So finally got some good news to report. My last day at the old job was January 2nd with a good severance package. Today I accepted a great offer from a real awesome organization for basically the same job I did at my last company Senior Director of IT Security. I have gotten a great impression / vibe from the SVP who I would work for. Also, really like the others that would be my peers in the IT department. Lastly, compensation is 20% more than the last job so great news. On the divorce front it is still happening and my wife and I have a very fair settlement agreement worked out we are all happy with.

On the whole, that's good news indeed.

[Galaril]

On the whole, that's good news indeed.

Yes all things considered my divorce even is a good thing frankly both for my kids and myself.

[Galaril]

So not sure who cares to know but figured I would have some closure to this thread now 9 months have past. So, he is the update as to how everything panned out for me and my kids and ex wife too. My divorce was finalized and official early April. My kids 7 and 11 years old took it well and understand . My ex moved out and found a decent townhouse closer to where she wanted to live in Denver. She would up getting 33% of my net pay(take home after taxes) for the next 5 and 1/2 years and then another 7% in child support. She also got me to agree to pay for two years of college so she can go back to college to get a associates degree in X-ray tech or sonogram tech etc. That is capped at 15k total. Also kids will get two pay tickets per year for the next five years so my ex can take the kids to visit her family overseas (Korea). I got to keep my home and the title is in my my name. I also got to claim both my kids on my taxes as withholding deductions . I set up my taxes with my accountant so. I will get enough back each to cover the plane tickets for my kids......

So that is the money side of it all. Not great for me but better than I would have got if I decided to go to court and fight it which would have had the added negative consequence of emotional and mental stress on myself and kids. my ex and I have a great relationship though obviously I keep strict boundaries so as not to confuse things like no hanging out. She is doing well and has started to become a better mom I can see. My kids are doing fabulous.

As for me I had also gone through a layoff last year during this all and have know been in a great job for 8 months for the best company I have worked for . It is undoubtedly the best job of my life and that includes a hefty pay increase from my last position.

Now the juicy stuff. I was doing the online dating thing since. January and had a lot of activity and got back out there dating a lot but with no long term success. I am not looking to get remarried anytime soon, if ever but also was hoping to find a person to have a long term monogamous relationship with. Now if it ends In marriage long time down the road that is all the better. I kept meeting some great girls (women) but most either wanted to get "hitched" soon or were party girls more looking to play the field......Then along comes June and I meet this incredible woman the second to last day on Match before my six month membership expired. I had decide to throw the towel in on the online dating thing at that point and was reserved to the fact I was not going to find anyone.

We started to date and am happy to say she is very normal, a school teacher who is very attractive my age who loves football is a sweet southern girl who shares my love of football, exercise, Scifi/ a Trekkie and share similar political and religious views. She is very caring and is the opposite of my ex. She has three girls my kids ages that she has 50-50 custody with her ex which is the same as me and my kids. We have been 4 1/2 months so not all that long but both know this is very likely the beginning of the rest of our lives together. We have decided lets take it slow in a commitment longterm relationship and just play it by ear. So, neither of us is seeing anyone else and if all goes well after the holidays we will introduce our kids to the relationship.

Just wanted to come back to this as lots of these things in life never turn out well . For me life is good real good and love my new life and the future is bright for all concerned even my ex. I know other guys are going through similar things or sad to say will in the future and it is important to let them all know there is life after this stuff and life goes on. People here told me the same things when I was going through it and the support was a big boost:-)

Dan

[Lathum]

Awesome to here!

[SegRat]

Great to hear.

[thesloppy]

good to heer

[cuervo72]

so my ex can take the kids to visit her family overseas (Korea)

I would just say to be careful with this, if there's much you can do about it. Stories of kids staying abroad and all that.

[Galaril]

I would just say to be careful with this, if there's much you can do about it. Stories of kids staying abroad and all that.

She is a citizen of the US and is aware that doing anything crazy would well get her ass in trouble. But yes not much anyone can do without some sign or reason to assume she would kidnap the kid or something like that.

[Mizzou B-ball fan]

Congrats, Dan! Very excited for you!

[Umbrella]

Honestly, I don't think the settlement was too bad for you. I've seen much worse.

As far as the new woman, I'm not trying to be a buzzkill here, but take your time. After my divorce, when I decided to start dating, I met a woman who I was convinced was the one.

Fast forward a few months, and I start to see that she is a bit psycho, and certainly wasn't the one. Luckily, I hand't done anything too crazy at that point, but looking back, even though I thought I was back to normal, I realized I wasn't 100% healed from the divorce. It was the classic rebound relationship. Not saying this is the case with you, but don't be afraid to take your time, even if she is pressuring you to advance further in the relationship than you are comfortable with.

[Galaril]

Honestly, I don't think the settlement was too bad for you. I've seen much worse.

As far as the new woman, I'm not trying to be a buzzkill here, but take your time. After my divorce, when I decided to start dating, I met a woman who I was convinced was the one.

Fast forward a few months, and I start to see that she is a bit psycho, and certainly wasn't the one. Luckily, I hand't done anything too crazy at that point, but looking back, even though I thought I was back to normal, I realized I wasn't 100% healed from the divorce. It was the classic rebound relationship. Not saying this is the case with you, but don't be afraid to take your time, even if she is pressuring you to advance further in the relationship than you are comfortable with.


Thanks for the advice and totally agree.The divorce overall for me was pretty easy. I couldn't get divorced fast enough. No hurt feelings on my part. I did a counseling session or two and my kids but in the end not much going on in that area. It was amicable to the extreme. Yes this new woman is great but I recently told her straight no way no how I am getting married in the next 5 years till I am done paying my ex off and would only consider it if. Prenuptial was signed. She saw where I was coming from and seemed to be fine with it. If in the end she pushes into that get married mode I am ok cutting her loose if need be.......and yes I do think I got off better than many. even though she is getting $3400 a month out of me that includes child support the no long term emotional or mental stress damage to me and my kids was worth paying.

[sterlingice]

Good news :)

SI

[BYU 14]

Good news, glad you have found happiness and come through as unscathed as one could expect.

Best of luck in the future

[Galaril]

So recent update things have been going great all around and then today my ex wife drops a bunch of rant texts curse me out that I screwed her on taxes as I claimed both my kids. The reason I did that was in Colorado as I did get to keep my marital home after the divorce (that was about it frankly) and it was the kids home prior to the divorce I can claim both.
Anyways my ex sent me a text first saying she is going to quit the part time job she got as a fitness instructor that pays her $6k a year (she is getting 45k from me per year for 6 years!) and then be a student so she can get more child support. She actually said this in a text that I saved and snapshot for use in case I get dragged back to court. Also she sends me a text saying she is going to tell both our young kids I am no good etc... This at least in COlorado is a crime contempt of court as anyone who gets divorced with kids agrees to not talk shit about the other person and if it is proven you did can be trouble.
She is forcing my hand on this but she sent a text a while back (two months ago) saying she was going to kill herself and some friends called me too about it. I don't have that text anymore damn it but pound have witness stating it. It sucks she is heading down this path but oh well. I am in a better situation to fight back with her in court over things than in the past. Plus, she wants to take my kids to visit relatives of hers outside the country but fortunately their passports expired and to get new ones she needs my notarized signature which will never happen now. Just venting I guess and strangely enough Fofc has been a sounding board for great advice over the years.

[sabotai]

Sorry your ex took a turn for the crazy.

Anyways my ex sent me a text first saying she is going to quit the part time job she got as a fitness instructor that pays her $6k a year (she is getting 45k from me per year for 6 years!) and then be a student so she can get more child support. She actually said this in a text that I saved and snapshot for use in case I get dragged back to court.

Good move. A friend of mine went through a nasty divorce and received a similar threat over text. I don't think it did anything, because she did not quit her job, (and I'm sure it depends on what judge you get), but from what I heard about what his lawyer said about it, that is a massive no-no. The courts will most likely laugh at her if she did that and tried to get more support.

Make sure you send that text along to your lawyer if you haven't.

Also she sends me a text saying she is going to tell both our young kids I am no good etc... This at least in COlorado is a crime contempt of court as anyone who gets divorced with kids agrees to not talk shit about the other person and if it is proven you did can be trouble. She is forcing my hand on this

Yes, she is forcing your hand. Don't be the nice guy in this anymore. If she keeps this shit up, absolutely go after her.

Make sure you send that text along to your lawyer as well.

Plus, she wants to take my kids to visit relatives of hers outside the country but fortunately their passports expired and to get new ones she needs my notarized signature which will never happen now. Just venting I guess and strangely enough Fofc has been a sounding board for great advice over the years.

I've occasionally seen those new reports (on 20/20, Dateline, etc.) on women who illegally flee back to Japan or Korea with the kids and not return. I'm sure it's scary to be in that position. Those governments do dick about it.

[Galaril]

Thanks Sabotai. Agree on all your points. Fortunately as one of my kids parents and guardians I am not required to approve them to get passports and as they are American citizens they would need those to leave the US. There is zero chance of me ever letting them both leave with my ex at present. Maybe some day but not now. I think in Korea this happens quite frequently with Korean women married to foreigners they go back to see their families with the kids and never return.

[Galaril]

So, just to come full circle after my separation and divorce 4 years back. The woman I met two and half years ago has turned out to be a real keeper. She has turned out to be the exact opposite of my ex and has made feel much more valued as a person and a partner. I was not looking to remarry when I met her and was primarily focusing on my kids. That being said we were the proverbial soulmates if ever there have been. I will be proposing to her this week. It is more or less a formulate as we have discussed getting married hypothetically. She has three kids that get along with my two real well.

My Ex is going no place and has not moved on, but is not an issue and she still has three years of full support coming to her via my agreement with her.

My kids are well adjusted, after I got them a bit of counseling.

Even my mom who had been going thru cancer; is in full remission. In fact, at 85 she is getting her second wind.

The new job I had been forced to move onto two and half years ago has become the best in my 25 year career.

Life is good. Hopefully, others who have recently gone thru something or are going to go thru tough times can see it is possible to hang in there till times get better. I know lots of people here told me years ago and did not believe that.

Dan

[spleen1015]

Good for you!!!

[Eaglesfan27]

Great to hear!

[EagleFan]

Glad to hear it.

I seriously have to read these a little better. First was glancing and saw the paragraph start with "My ex" and then saw "at 85 she is getting her second wind" had to slow down and reread that one. :)

[claphamsa]

good shit man!

[Edward64]

Congrats. Good job on the kids.

[Honolulu_Blue]

That's fantastic. Really good to hear. It's odd how our lives take these completely unexpected turns at times and you sit there thinking this is never how I expected my life to unfold.

[Kodos]

Glad to hear things are going well for you and the kids.

[BYU 14]

Great to hear and glad that path to happiness found you again!

[Subby]

Sweet!

[Solecismic]

Congratulations. I think we make better decisions the second time around, especially when kids are involved.

[Galaril]

Proposed and all went as expected. She said yes and we are now engaged . The wedding will be not till next year in the summer of 2017.

[chesapeake]

Congratulations!

[NobodyHere]

Are we invited?

[Ramzavail]

nice!

[Flasch186]

congrats

[Galaril]

Are we invited?

Haha sure!

[Galaril]

So how 5 years life can change. Tomorrow is the big day when I get remarried. All is great we have already blended our families together and they are great. My Fiancée had to step up and more or less take over as my kids real mom as my ex wife has done nothing since we separated 5 years back and ultimately divorced 4 years ago. Still no job, has not taken advantage of the free college money as part of our agreement and had started to verbally abse our teenage daughter to the point she had suicidal thoughts . I just hired a lawyer who has presented a motion to modify our custody arrangement so my daughter can stay with us 100% of the time till she wants to reconnect with her mom.

I just wanted to close this out on happy note as back years ago many here encouraged me to look to the horizon that future has now arrived. If anyone is going through this now or in the future remember that and this story. Cheers to my fellow FOFCers- Dan

[stevew]

hey man, that's fkn awesome. Best wishes, and hope your ex gets her shit straight ffs.

[JediKooter]

Awesome man! Things seem to change fast and then you realize it's been 5 freaking years! :)

[Kodos]

Glad things have turned out well for you. It's tough to imagine things getting better when you're at the beginning of something like this. Sounds like you made the right choice to break things off.

[nilodor]

Dude! I'm genuinely happy for you. I hope things keep getting better for you.

[BYU 14]

Great to hear, very happy for you and best wishes as you start the next chapter of your journey.

[Eaglesfan27]

That is great! Best of luck in the next chapter of your life!

[Chief Rum]

This is great. Congrats Galaril! I'm thrilled for you.

[Galaril]

Thanks all.

[Toddzilla]

Congratulations, brother. It's impossible to overstate how incredibly hard going through a divorce is, no matter how good or bad the situation may be. But it's equally impossible to overstate how good it is when you come out on the other side a complete person again.

I'm so very happy for you, Gal. Peace be with you.

[PilotMan]

Great news. I'll echo Todd's sentiment. Keep up the good fight.