The Concert and the Essay (A Relationship Story)

[ISiddiqui]

So, I figure I should get this out somewhere just for a broad analysis and to see what people think.

Anyways, as the thread title may have indicated, I have 2 tickets for a concert tonight. They were purchased late last year for an Arcade Fire show, for my girlfriend and I. I am a fan of the band and the girlfriend enjoyed what she heard so when I asked if she'd be game, she was all for it. I paid for both tickets, the show was my treat - it wasn't enough to break the bank account, but more than just a mere trifle. We have both been excited about it.

So, my girlfriend is applying for seminary and one of her options has their application due the same day as the concert, in order to be considered for full scholarship. So, ok fine, she'd been aware of the requirements for the application for a few weeks (if not more than a month). However, about 2 weeks ago she found out about this deadline date for scholarships. The application was done fairly quickly, but there was this 600 word autobiographical essay with it. And she kind of outlined for it this week and was going to sit down and write it last evening (it can be submitted online, so no need to wait for the mail).

In order for her to concentrate on the essay writing (we are living together) she asked if I'd go out last night, so I did (go out and drink, twist my arm why don't ya!!). I got back around 11:30 and was getting ready for bed and she indicated that she'd take a brief catnap with me and get up at 12:30 and finish up the essay so she could send the finished product to her sister before work for proofreading and then finally submit it to the seminary after she (my gf) got home from work. At the time she basically seemed to imply the essay work was going well, and that it was almost done and it just needed some fine tuning.

I got up at like 2:30 to go to the bathroom and my gf was in bed. She woke when I got back into bed and I asked her - how was the writing? She indicated that she hadn't gotten up at 12:30 and would just wake up a bit early to finish. For whatever reason I got this sinking feeling in my stomach and couldn't fall back asleep - I was gripped by this fear that she was waiting until the last second to bail on the concert. I couldn't fall asleep. So the next time she got up to use the bathroom, I expressed this concern and her response was "I hope I can get it done by the concert", which wasn't reassuring. I expressed the opinion that I felt it would have been mean to cancel on the concert at the last second. To which she indicated that she didn't intend to be mean - and because I was exhausted and half asleep I said something like you don't have to intend meanness to be mean - you could be negligent, which started an argument that I feel was resolved ok-ish.

Anyways... my feelings on this were that I can understand having to get an essay done. However, waiting until the last second to cancel is simply rude and mean (yes, I do realize I could have expressed myself better, but it was 2:30 and I was half sleepy). I feel that if I didn't bring it up then, it would have been told to me an hour before the concert - even though she indicated that she would have texted me as she left for work; and this morning she wrote a note that I almost missed about the fact that she doesn't think she can make the concert so I perhaps I can find someone else to go.

Here's the problem - its less than 24 hrs notice to do something on a Friday night. The vast majority of my friends have made plans already and I really, really, really do not want to go to a concert alone - as a lot of it involves waiting around for the band to start playing.

So thanks for reading this far and I'd be happy to hear any thoughts - was I too much of a dick? was she? etc. And I'm sure I've left out a few facts (I'm kinda tired from my lack of sleep - another reason why I don't think I'll be able to go to the concert if no one else can go with me).

[Izulde]

IMO, you came off a bit dickish here. Obviously she's having problems and is under major stress writing this essay, and the concert pressure just adds to it.

Sure, she shouldn't have procrastinated, and sure she could have canceled the concert earlier, but I believe she genuinely meant and thought she would be able to get the essay done on time and go to the concert with you, and she waited until the last minute because she did really want to go, but her apparent difficulties in writing the essay have prevented that.

[sterlingice]

Seems pretty straightforward to me. Probably wouldn't have messed with it at 2 in the morning but that's mainly because I don't expect to function much when sleepy. Maybe was a tad "dickish" with the response at 2:30 but you sound sorry, say as much, and then work out the actual problem (concert vs essay)

SI

[CU Tiger]

Pretty inconsiderate of her, IMHO.

I also wonder how committed she is to the endeavor (either for that matter). If I was committed to the outcome I wouldnt ahve waited until the last minute to write the essay. If I was committed I wouldnt have laid down for a "catnap" before it was finished, if I had been forced to wait until the last minute.

Not sure how competitive the 'ship is, but 600 words autobiographical really isn't much. I'm thinking 2-3 hours tops. There really isnt any subject in the world someone should be better qualified to talk about than themselves nd their life.

Maybe I sound harsh but reading your side, I wonder if she is really dedicated to the seminary path. Or I wonder if she really didnt want to go to the concert and was looking for an excuse. Finally a small part of me wonders if this is a passive aggressive control play to try and prevent you from going.

Am I reading way too much into it?
Perhaps.

But it sounds liek it was a big deal to you, and you made that perfectly clear to her. If she didnt respect that it would be a major issue for me.

[Izulde]

Not sure how competitive the 'ship is, but 600 words autobiographical really isn't much. I'm thinking 2-3 hours tops. There really isnt any subject in the world someone should be better qualified to talk about than themselves nd their life.
.

It's a full scholarship so almost everyone applying is going to compete for it. 600 words is roughly 2-4 pages double-spaced, IIRC. And while on paper (pardon the pun) an autobiographical essay might seem like the easiest subject to write about, it's actually in some ways the most difficult. You have to consider everything that's ever happened to you and pick how to shape and frame the narrative that not only answers the parameters of the essay writing prompt, but avoids being the cliche of what everyone else has said (see English graduate scholarship essays, so many of which essentially say "I love reading" or in a lot of programs geared towards social improvement, such as seminary, "I want to make a difference in the world")

[DaddyTorgo]

Pretty inconsiderate of her, IMHO.

I also wonder how committed she is to the endeavor (either for that matter). If I was committed to the outcome I wouldnt ahve waited until the last minute to write the essay. If I was committed I wouldnt have laid down for a "catnap" before it was finished, if I had been forced to wait until the last minute.

Not sure how competitive the 'ship is, but 600 words autobiographical really isn't much. I'm thinking 2-3 hours tops. There really isnt any subject in the world someone should be better qualified to talk about than themselves nd their life.

Maybe I sound harsh but reading your side, I wonder if she is really dedicated to the seminary path. Or I wonder if she really didnt want to go to the concert and was looking for an excuse. Finally a small part of me wonders if this is a passive aggressive control play to try and prevent you from going.

Am I reading way too much into it?
Perhaps.

But it sounds liek it was a big deal to you, and you made that perfectly clear to her. If she didnt respect that it would be a major issue for me.

600 words is what...a couple pages tops? On your life? That shouldn't be much to knock out. I also wonder about how dedicated she is to the seminary thing if she isn't passionate about it to the point where she can knock that off relatively easily.

Like CU Tiger said - big deal to you, you definitely made it clear to her, and she should know how much it cost etc., so she ought to respect that. If she doesn't, that's pretty dickish of her.

[Izulde]

You guys are treating this scholarship essay way too cavalierly IMO. It's a full ride, so it's a major deal, considering the average cost of a seminary degree is between $35,000 - $50,000. A half-assed slapdash job like y'all are suggesting is a surefire way to sink her.

[DaddyTorgo]

You guys are treating this scholarship essay way too cavalierly IMO. It's a full ride, so it's a major deal, considering the average cost of a seminary degree is between $35,000 - $50,000. A half-assed slapdash job like y'all are suggesting is a surefire way to sink her.

So she should have been working on it for a long time then, regardless of the due date.

Doesn't seem like something that should have been thrown together last minute - that's also my point. But if you are throwing it together last-minute it shouldn't take that long.

[Izulde]

So she should have been working on it for a long time then, regardless of the due date.

Doesn't seem like something that should have been thrown together last minute - that's also my point. But if you are throwing it together last-minute it shouldn't take that long.

Yeah, I already said she shouldn't have procrastinated. But shit happens, and some people just naturally procrastinate. Frankly, at this particular juncture, the essay is far more important than the concert, so if she needs to miss the concert, then so be it.

And like I said, I'm sure she thought she could get it done in time, but it turns out she couldn't. I'm damn sure she thought having Imran out of the house would give her the peace and quiet to focus and get it done, but she evidently had writer's block/paralysis, and didn't.

[stevew]

She's probably just not into Arcade Fire.

[ISiddiqui]

Interesting opinions - to clear up things, she has felt called to seminary for the last few years, but has always hit some sort of mental block. Our pastor has told her that is normal, but it seems like she gets all really excited about doing seminary work and then goes into a lull. I have wondered if she's suffering from a form of depression which causes the issue.

The issue for me was the last second "I don't think I go". The gf has a history of not knowing how long something was going to take, which causes change of plans, etc. But this was kind of a big deal to me... and now it doesn't seem like any of my friends are free and I'll have to pass on the opportunity (seriously, the few concerts I've been to have been exercises in waiting around where I have gotten slightly bored even with the person or group I have gone with - to go alone would be an exercise in extreme boredom until the hour to hour and a half of the set I want to hear starts up).

And she was really, really excited about the concert. So it isn't like she just wanted an excuse to get out of it.

Even an acknowledgement at 11:30 last night that she was having major trouble would have been nice.

[miked]

If I didn't have to attend GT graduation, I'd go :)

[digamma]

For whatever reason I got this sinking feeling in my stomach and couldn't fall back asleep - I was gripped by this fear that she was waiting until the last second to bail on the concert. I couldn't fall asleep.

I'm not trying to be a dick here, but do you think you're being a tad too dramatic here? What are you going to do when things of consequence keep you up at night?

Anyhow, good luck to your girlfriend on her application, and enjoy the show. I'm sure it will work out.

[DanGarion]

You guys are treating this scholarship essay way too cavalierly IMO. It's a full ride, so it's a major deal, considering the average cost of a seminary degree is between $35,000 - $50,000. A half-assed slapdash job like y'all are suggesting is a surefire way to sink her.

Then she shouldn't have waited to the last minute...

If you don't want to do something half-assed you shouldn't procrastinate...

[ISiddiqui]

I'm not trying to be a dick here, but do you think you're being a tad too dramatic here? What are you going to do when things of consequence keep you up at night?

I talk through things of consequence right then and there. ;)

[Marc Vaughan]

I'd say you come off as a bit selfish - on one hand there is a one off concert which frankly doesn't appear to be a band you love and have followed your entire life, you aren't friends with members of the band etc.

On the other there is an essay which could affect your partners future quite significantly and you're prioritizing a one-off event which you'll probably have forgotten happened in a few weeks time.

I'd suggest you possibly help her by proof reading the article and if you make the concert then great - if not then shit happens, yes the concert tickets cost money - but frankly, so what ... money isn't everything.

[ISiddiqui]

Damn, if I was friends with members of Arcade Fire.... well, lets just say I'd likely be living a more exciting life ;).

I do own every album, however. I also consider "Suburbs" to be my favorite album ever...

[molson]

I think she's 100% in the wrong, procrastination is one thing if it impacts you alone, but when it impacts others that's not cool. But be an understanding partner and let it go. We all makes mistakes, I'm sure she feels bad about it. She owes you one though.

[ISiddiqui]

We all makes mistakes, I'm sure she feels bad about it. She owes you one though.

It's kind of where my thinking is at. But, and I hate to say it, I am going to feel a bit wary of making long term pricey plans like this in the future.

[DaddyTorgo]

It's kind of where my thinking is at. But, and I hate to say it, I am going to feel a bit wary of making long term pricey plans like this in the future.

Totally understandable and justifiable.

[DaddyTorgo]

She owes you one though.

Or several.

Concert ticket price (X2)/going rate for...

[Logan]

I'm not trying to be a dick here, but do you think you're being a tad too dramatic here? What are you going to do when things of consequence keep you up at night?

Anyhow, good luck to your girlfriend on her application, and enjoy the show. I'm sure it will work out.

When I read those same lines, I had the same reaction as you. It's a concert, not a good friend's wedding or something major like that. The procrastinating is bad and you should be annoyed by it but this reaction seems...odd.

[DaddyTorgo]

Eh - I think it really depends on how much the tickets were as a % of his disposable income as to how much he is overreacting/not overreacting.

I mean if the tickets were say...several hundred dollars each...damn right I'd be pissed. If the tickets were total < $100 I'd be irritated and upset, but not as pissed.

[molson]

If someone's girlfriend really loved the ballet or something, and there was this big ballet performance 6 months from now, and she bought tickets for her and boyfriend to go, and then, a few days before, the boyfriend says, "sorry babe, there's thing thing I have to do for work, I haven't got around to it until now, you understand, but hey, enjoy the ballet!"....there would be a major shitstorm, I would think. Are men expected to be less hurt and less emotional about stuff like this?

[Logan]

I think what would have kept me up at night, if anything, would be thinking "this girl who I'm serious enough to be living with might not be taking something so important regarding her future so seriously".

[ISiddiqui]

If someone's girlfriend really loved the ballet or something, and there was this big ballet performance 6 months from now, and she bought tickets for her and boyfriend to go, and then, a few days before, the boyfriend says, "sorry babe, there's thing thing I have to do for work, I haven't got around to it until now, you understand, but hey, enjoy the ballet!"....there would be a major shitstorm, I would think. Are men expected to be less hurt and less emotional about stuff like this?

Bingo. And in that case as well as this one, it can be more about what it says than simply about the facts of the matter - ie, how much does one person in the relationship care about what's important to the other person, what's going to happen in future situations where the stakes may be higher, etc. Sometimes actions speak to deeper things. Esp regarding something I'd be absolutely horrified to do to something else (the one and only time I backed out on a plan involving paid for tickets, I realized I had double booked that evening so I immediately called them when I found out - like 2 weeks before the event, and offered to pay my friend's tickets so that I'd be responsible for all the out of pocket costs and even then I felt like an absolute ass).

[Drake]

I'd submit your post to the Scholarship committee in place of her essay.

Honestly, if I'm giving a scholarship, I'd want that info before handing it out to someone who puts off a major deadline until the last second, then feels like they can/should compete with those who actually set aside time to prepare adequately.

But I might just feel that way because my wife is the exact same way as your girlfriend. (My wife calls it "working better under pressure of a deadline". I can tell the difference in the work she shits out at the last minute vs. the work she prepares for in advance, but she can't seem to see the difference.)

[Kodos]

Yes, Issiquidi has every right to be bothered by this. Doesn't speak well for her ability to prioritize.

[MrBug708]

It sucks, but it's a concert, not like the wedding of your brother or something.

And if you are looking for the cost of the ticket from a significant other, I doubt this relationship will go very far.

No offense to some of you (and I'm going to come off like an ass I feel), but your reasoning and thought process explains why some of you post a ton in single guy thread.

[Izulde]

Wow, the amount of sanctimonious huffing and puffing in this thread is beyond ridiculous.

[molson]

No offense to some of you (and I'm going to come off like an ass I feel), but your reasoning and thought process explains why some of you post a ton in single guy thread.

Have you been in a lot of relationships where long-term plans with your significant other are not important, or aren't a priority?

I thought about this from the other side completely - where if you don't think it's a big deal to procrastinate to the point where you have to cancel plans with your girlfriend - a particular date that's important to her, mind you - you must not have a ton of experience maintaining a serious relationship. Is that the lesson here? If you don't want to be single, take your commitments with your girlfriend less seriously?

[MrBug708]

Have you been in a lot of relationships where long-term plans with your significant other are not important, or aren't a priority?

I thought about this from the other side completely - where if you don't think it's a big deal to procrastinate to the point where you have to cancel plans with your girlfriend - a particular date that's important to her, mind you - you must not have a ton of experience maintaining a serious relationship. Is that the lesson here? If you don't want to be single, take your commitments with your girlfriend less seriously?

I feel like you are trying to be obtuse here, but I'm not sure if it's intentional or not.

[Izulde]

I mean, on the one hand you've got people going all "Oh that's nothing - 600 word essay should totally be able to knock out in a couple of hours" and then people are all like "It's such a big deal that she didn't work on it sooner that this is something Imran needs to worry about for the future."

Grow.the.fuck.up. and get down off y'all's collective high horse.

1. As I already noted, procrastination happens, and the seriousness of the situation/deadline has little effect, particularly in those who are prone to it. You mean to tell me none of you have ever procrastinated on anything major in your lives? If you say no, I'm calling total bullshit on that.

2. All this stick-assed sneering does not a damned fucking thing to help the immediate situation. She can't go back in a fucking time machine and magically gain the time back. The fact of the matter is, she's facing a deadline, and in that deadline scenario, this sure as hell is a lot more important than some concert.

3. When you are faced with this sort of writing deadline situation, a lot of times you're staring at a blank page trying to force it out and nothing comes. You people are forgetting that it's not just a case of sit down and slam it out - there's a pre-writing thinking process that's involved. Sure the actual writing time may only be a couple of hours, but thinking about it and sorting it through in your head? That takes a lot longer.

4. So Imran may have to go to a concert by himself. So what? Honestly, if somebody can't go to a concert by themselves because they'll be bored waiting around for the set, then they're either not that big of a fan, emotionally high maintenance, or both. I've gone to tons of shit by myself and I've never been bored.

[molson]

I feel like you are trying to be obtuse here, but I'm not sure if it's intentional or not.

I'm serious, I'm just flipping it around. Would you do that to your girlfriend (one that you were really into)? Put something off for a month and try to do it the day before a date that's really important to her?

And I think people who would prioritize their significant others' needs more responsibly would be MORE suited to a serious relationship, not less. So I don't understand your previous post at all.

Edit: As I said, shit happens, people make mistakes, and he should try to forgive her and move on. But she's still in the wrong here.

[Autumn]

I think it was definitely inconsiderate not to be clear much earlier that there was going to be a problem. If you think she really wanted to go, and wasn't just putting off telling you so it could be "Oh dang, turns out I can't go". If that's not the case, then yeah it seems rude to me not to be clear a day or two ahead of time "It's looking like I may not be able to go." To my mind whether or not she should have been able to go is a bigger issue, and more of her thing, so I wouldn't get into that at this point.

[molson]

I wonder when she was planning on telling ISiddiqui if he didn't bring it up. He was the one that had to bring this to the forefront. Which obviously wasn't fun for him.

[Izulde]

If that's not the case, then yeah it seems rude to me not to be clear a day or two ahead of time "It's looking like I may not be able to go."

And I'll reiterate I'm sure she thought she could have it done before the concert a day or two out, and if she was hit with an inspiration of how to write it in that timeframe, she'd have been absolutely correct and this thread wouldn't even exist.

She didn't get the inspiration, wasn't able to get it done, and so here we are.

[stevew]

I remember this time my friends and I camped out overnight at the mall for U2 tickets. My friend and I left one of our friends at the front of the line while we went to go hang outside. Anyways this moron decided to get out of line and we lost our spot. We were really pissed until we found a box of money. My one friend was like we should spend the money and buy as many tickets as possible and scalp them. Then we managed to get to the front of the line again, but these guys who looked like they were in the Mob started to chase us! I thought we were goners til it was revealed that we were on some hidden camera show and we won free U2 tickets!

[molson]

"I got up at like 2:30 to go to the bathroom and my gf was in bed. She woke when I got back into bed and I asked her - how was the writing? She indicated that she hadn't gotten up at 12:30 and would just wake up a bit early to finish."

Do you know if she did actually wake up a bit early to try to finish? If I blew it like this (and I have screwed stuff up before), then it's on me and I try to make it right. If a concert is a 4 or 5 hour commitment, I just have to find those 4 or 5 hours somewhere else. It seems like she wasn't wiling to do that.

[molson]

I remember this time my friends and I camped out overnight at the mall for U2 tickets. My friend and I left one of our friends at the front of the line while we went to go hang outside. Anyways this moron decided to get out of line and we lost our spot. We were really pissed until we found a box of money. My one friend was like we should spend the money and buy as many tickets as possible and scalp them. Then we managed to get to the front of the line again, but these guys who looked like they were in the Mob started to chase us! I thought we were goners til it was revealed that we were on some hidden camera show and we won free U2 tickets!

I actually heard about that. Camping out in a tent in the sporting goods store was pretty ballsy.

[Suburban Rhythm]

Just my interpretation, which can be dangerous making based on one story:

Sounds selfish. I don't think it's a huge deal. And probably not the first time you've noticed it. Probably one of those things that you just accept as part of the total package. Irritating, but not necessarily a deal breaker.

[Danny]

Honestly, my view point would be completely different than yours iss. I'd have been trying to support my gf in finishing and not putting extra stress about the concert. Yeah she really should have been more prepared, but both my wife and I have put ourselves in that position before and the other person always steps up for the one in need. You should support the one you love when they are at their best and not at their best.

[DaddyTorgo]

It sucks, but it's a concert, not like the wedding of your brother or something.

And if you are looking for the cost of the ticket from a significant other, I doubt this relationship will go very far.

No offense to some of you (and I'm going to come off like an ass I feel), but your reasoning and thought process explains why some of you post a ton in single guy thread.

FYI my post was a joke. I just didn't finish the joke with "/going rate of a BJ" out of respect.

And I don't think he ought to expect to be compensated for it, financially or otherwise.

[Drake]

And I don't think he ought to expect to be compensated for it, financially or otherwise.

Not even with butt sex?

[molson]

If this was an event she planned, an event she was excited about - I wonder if she would have managed to get the essay done earlier in the week. That's another thing that bugs me about this. In a serious relationship, at some point you have to prioritize your partners' values and needs as much as your own. I can't know if that's where things fell short here or not.

[Drake]

Kidding aside, I do want to add this:

If you've got a partner who is a procrastinator, you need to think about how much it weighs on you (outside of this incident) when thinking about the future. Like I said, my wife is a procrastinator. She was all through college, and she is in her professional life.

My wife is a nurse. She's always behind on her charting, which means that she frequently brings it home...which means that I end up carrying the burden of childcare, cooking dinner, etc., because she's "got" to work.

(I'm not a nurse. Maybe all nurse's bring charting home on at least a weekly basis. I dunno. I do know that she's getting threatened with getting written up or actually getting written up about every month, but maybe that's also status quo for the medical industry.)

The other element is that when my wife feels this deadline pressure, she's cranky. She gripes. It changes the mood of the whole house, because mom is sitting at her computer in the family room and complaining about the noise and distraction, or she's camped out at the kitchen table complaining about the noise and distraction. Everyone has to alter their behavior accordingly...because mom is feeling the pressure of the deadline that she claims to thrive on.

You see what I'm getting at here? If procrastination is something your girlfriend does frequently, there's a price to be paid for it as life gets more complex that goes beyond her personal discomfort or missed professional opportunities.

If you dig the rest of her package enough, maybe that's way down your list of relationship worries...but if you're not careful, it can ramp itself up into a full-fledged resentment factory eventually when you're giving up your leisure in the evenings to manage the household because she couldn't get her shit done in a timely manner.

It might be worth a discussion at the very least.

[Danny]

If this was an event she planned, an event she was excited about - I wonder if she would have managed to get the essay done earlier in the week. That's another thing that bugs me about this. In a serious relationship, at some point you have to prioritize your partners' values and needs as much as your own. I can't know if that's where things fell short here or not.

The essay is about 100 times more important in general than the concert. And from how it sounds its not like she stopped him or minded him going. If my wife had to finish something very very important and I had kings playoff tickets for the two of us, I could still go and enjoy myself.

I would probably skip it to help her though. Even if it was because she procrastinated.

[Danny]

My wife is a big procrastinator and has other faults. I love the whole of her and while it can be very frustrating sometimes, I support her in the good and bad and in improving.

God knows I also have my faults and she also is loving and supportive of me in good and bad.

[ISiddiqui]

So update. I was planning on staying around and helping or rather not going if someone didn't show up at the last second because if I don't know someone at an event, I can get some massive social anxiety (it isn't just "man up" people, really).

Anyway, she kept saying you should go! It's your favorite band and you should at least see them. Her sister was over and helping with the essay as soon as she got off work and I had already missed the opening act (no big deal), so around 8, I decided to go - though almost had a panic attack in the car on the way over (like I said MASSIVE social anxiety). But I got there and it was great!

However, about 9:15, I get a text saying the essay is being sent to a friend of mine for a review and she's going over a friend's birthday party!!! We had told this birthday friend that we may not be able to attend his party or attend it late due to the concert. In her view, she couldn't finish the essay if she went to the concert, but when she was done with the essay, there was no reason not to go to the birthday party. I am just a way different person, I think, because if I was ducking out of my SO's event because I was getting something done, I wouldn't go somewhere else if I finished a bit early (not even out to the bar)! I can understand what she is saying logically, but not emotionally at all!

Definitely was happy for her and was in a celebratory mood, but I am not good at hiding emotion and it was not long after she got home (I got home from the concert before she did from the party) she asked what was wrong...

Anyways, we talked, said we were sorry for hurting the other person even though we have absolutely no clue what in the world they are thinking and that's that.

I know there was no intentional malice, but definitely had a feeling of emotional manipulation or at least unease at that whole turn of events.

I think Drake has got some good questions about whether it is something I can live with in the procrastination aspects.

Suburban Rhythm is also right is this isn't the first time something like this has happened - this is merely the biggest one so far.

[nol]

*ctrl+f "pics plz"*

*0 results*

What's going on with FOFC?

But on a serious note, you can put me on team "it's just a concert." From my vantage point, the late notice was the exact opposite of malice. She was stressed about the essay and clearly struggling with it, but she was still thinking about attending the concert with you and was trying to keep that possibility alive for as long as she could.

[ISiddiqui]

This is where I think Autumn's post captures it perfectly (and is where my main aggravation stems):

I think it was definitely inconsiderate not to be clear much earlier that there was going to be a problem. If you think she really wanted to go, and wasn't just putting off telling you so it could be "Oh dang, turns out I can't go". If that's not the case, then yeah it seems rude to me not to be clear a day or two ahead of time "It's looking like I may not be able to go."

The GF and I are just vastly different on this aspect. I consider myself over-considerate - for example I text people if I'm going to be even 5 minutes late and am very apologetic when I arrive (Yes, I am very persnickety when it comes to manners in that way). While one of my GF's fav phrases (until I told her how much it annoyed me) was "It's not like the world ended" when minorly inconveniencing other folks (which to me is fairly scandalous - just because its a minor inconvenience doesn't mean that it doesn't affect that other person). It's a very different mindset and it clashes more than few times.

[Drake]

This is really not unrelated:

I've been married to my wife for 20+ years. I've never thrown away any of my clothes. You know why? Because when I try, she says, "Put them in a bag for Goodwill."

We've never dropped clothes off at Goodwill.

I have a pole barn full of bags of clothes that are one day bound for Goodwill.

[JonInMiddleGA]

4. So Imran may have to go to a concert by himself. So what? Honestly, if somebody can't go to a concert by themselves because they'll be bored waiting around for the set, then they're either not that big of a fan, emotionally high maintenance, or both. I've gone to tons of shit by myself and I've never been bored.

Honestly, this.

The other aspects of the situation aside, there's a 0.0 percent chance this would have ever stopped me from seeing someone I was dead set on seeing.

[molson]

The essay is about 100 times more important in general than the concert.

That's only relevant if it could only be one or the other. There was plenty of time of both, and even if the ball is dropped there, plenty of time to give your boyfriend a heads-up before he has to stressfully force it out of you the night before. And of course, after all this, she finishes the whole thing an hour after he leaves for the concert, in time to do an activity that she wants to do. Again, I just imagine that playing out with the genders reversed and I think there's a completely different tone to it. Not unforgivable, but I think it'd be tough to be in a relationship if this was a regular thing.

[DaddyTorgo]

That's only relevant if it could only be one or the other. There was plenty of time of both, and even if the ball is dropped there, plenty of time to give your boyfriend a heads-up before he has to stressfully force it out of you the night before. And of course, after all this, she finishes the whole thing an hour after he leaves for the concert, in time to do an activity that she wants to do. Again, I just imagine that playing out with the genders reversed and I think there's a completely different tone to it. Not unforgivable, but I think it'd be tough to be in a relationship if this was a regular thing.

Yeah...this.

[Danny]

That's only relevant if it could only be one or the other. There was plenty of time of both, and even if the ball is dropped there, plenty of time to give your boyfriend a heads-up before he has to stressfully force it out of you the night before. And of course, after all this, she finishes the whole thing an hour after he leaves for the concert, in time to do an activity that she wants to do. Again, I just imagine that playing out with the genders reversed and I think there's a completely different tone to it. Not unforgivable, but I think it'd be tough to be in a relationship if this was a regular thing.

In my case if the genders were reversed my wife would support me and offer to help or even make me dinner or get me some snacks if she thought they would help.

Of course issidiqui should consider if the person he is with is right for him, but I do think some of the viewpoints presented here would make it hard to have a healthy loving long term relationship with someone

[CU Tiger]

So update. I was planning on staying around and helping or rather not going if someone didn't show up at the last second because if I don't know someone at an event, I can get some massive social anxiety (it isn't just "man up" people, really).

Anyway, she kept saying you should go! It's your favorite band and you should at least see them. Her sister was over and helping with the essay as soon as she got off work and I had already missed the opening act (no big deal), so around 8, I decided to go - though almost had a panic attack in the car on the way over (like I said MASSIVE social anxiety). But I got there and it was great!

However, about 9:15, I get a text saying the essay is being sent to a friend of mine for a review and she's going over a friend's birthday party!!! We had told this birthday friend that we may not be able to attend his party or attend it late due to the concert. In her view, she couldn't finish the essay if she went to the concert, but when she was done with the essay, there was no reason not to go to the birthday party. I am just a way different person, I think, because if I was ducking out of my SO's event because I was getting something done, I wouldn't go somewhere else if I finished a bit early (not even out to the bar)! I can understand what she is saying logically, but not emotionally at all!

Definitely was happy for her and was in a celebratory mood, but I am not good at hiding emotion and it was not long after she got home (I got home from the concert before she did from the party) she asked what was wrong...

Anyways, we talked, said we were sorry for hurting the other person even though we have absolutely no clue what in the world they are thinking and that's that.

I know there was no intentional malice, but definitely had a feeling of emotional manipulation or at least unease at that whole turn of events.

I think Drake has got some good questions about whether it is something I can live with in the procrastination aspects.

Suburban Rhythm is also right is this isn't the first time something like this has happened - this is merely the biggest one so far.


Wow...

I'm glad it worked out for you, I suppose.

But the birthday party deal would have been a huge issue for me.

Maybe I am overly sensitive, maybe I am wrong..I dont know. But just reading this made my heart sink and my BP rise. The combination of these two incidents would be a relationship breaker for anything short of already married and would severly damage even that.


I am not in any way suggesting it should be that big of an issue, only saying it would be to me and, I suppose, affirming that your emotional reaction isnt unique

[molson]

In my case if the genders were reversed my wife would support me and offer to help or even make me dinner or get me some snacks if she thought they would help.

Of course issidiqui should consider if the person he is with is right for him, but I do think some of the viewpoints presented here would make it hard to have a healthy loving long term relationship with someone

Maybe this is a geography thing, or a type of woman thing, but this continues to fascinate me. If your wife planned a special date for you for 6 months, and you bailed the night before because you didn't do something you could have done a month earlier, and you went out with your buddies that same night - she'd be OK with it? And you'd do that to her? That just sounds like a huge mutual lack of respect and selfishness to me, but if it works for two people, than I'm in no place to judge. (Though in ISiddiqui's case, I'm not sure it works for him, and I completely understand why).

[Danny]

Maybe this is a geography thing, or a type of woman thing, but this continues to fascinate me. If your wife planned a special date for you for 6 months, and you bailed the night before because you didn't do something you could have done a month earlier, and you went out with your buddies that same night - she'd be OK with it? And you'd do that to her? That just sounds like a huge mutual lack of respect and selfishness to me, but if it works for two people, than I'm in no place to judge. (Though in ISiddiqui's case, I'm not sure it works for him, and I completely understand why).

Well I missed the going out with friends part, so no neither of us would have done that. I would have tried to join my spouse or celebrate with them. but you seem to be placing increased importance on the concert and decreased importance on the essay compared to what I would. I don't know issidiquis girlfriend so I don't know if there is equal give and take, but sure We both have procrastinated something important that changed our plans. It wasn't a big deal for either of us, there's always another dinner, concert, game etc....

[Izulde]

S
However, about 9:15, I get a text saying the essay is being sent to a friend of mine for a review and she's going over a friend's birthday party!!! We had told this birthday friend that we may not be able to attend his party or attend it late due to the concert. In her view, she couldn't finish the essay if she went to the concert, but when she was done with the essay, there was no reason not to go to the birthday party. I am just a way different person, I think, because if I was ducking out of my SO's event because I was getting something done, I wouldn't go somewhere else if I finished a bit early (not even out to the bar)! I can understand what she is saying logically, but not emotionally at all!

No offense dude, the bolded has me thinking even more you're emotionally high maintenance. Granted, that's just who you are, but it's a good thing to be aware of.

Unfortunately, I don't have too much sympathy for the social anxiety bit. I have the same thing to the point where I'm completely silent and tense in 90% of all social situations whether I know people or not (and thus tend to give off a creeper vibe), but I still go to stuff by myself. It's called concentrating on the event and enjoying the people/surroundings observations the pre-event and event itself affords.

That said, I do see an issue with her going to the party - Did she at least check to see if there was a way she could have gotten into the concert late? If she didn't, then yeah, that is completely inconsiderate on her part and something even I would ask about.

[molson]

but you seem to be placing increased importance on the concert and decreased importance on the essay compared to what I would.

To me, it has zero to do with the comparative importance of the two things. There was time for both. There's always something more important. If I don't get my work done during the week, I have to do it on the weekend. In those scenarios, work is always more important than whatever I have planned. But if have plans with someone else, especially a girlfriend, then I need to make sure that's one of those weeks where I get my shit done before the weekend. That shows her that I consider those dates and time with her important.

In a different kind of relationship where it's not a big deal to break plans like that, do you make plans in advance as much? ISiddiqui says he'll be a little more reluctant to now and I think I understand that. I think I know a few couples that always seem to be not showing up at things at the last minute, I wonder if that's the mindset there. It just doesn't matter to either of them.

I think maybe I was "trained" by my longest relationship, in which the woman was really, really adamant and emotional and sensitive about keeping your plans and demonstrating your priorities. It was tough at first and I fucked up a lot, but once I got used to it, I think I picked up a lot of habits that other women really appreciate. Like, the week to procrastinate at work is the week you're going out drinking with your guy friends at the end of it, not the week you have a date with your girlfriend. That is just ingrained in me. Maybe there's a lot of women that wouldn't care if I reversed that, and cancelled plans with them, but I think a lot of women like that mindset too, and now, it's just second-nature.

[molson]

Dola, it's kind of an interesting split on opinions here. ISiddiqui/molson/DT/CU Tiger/Autumn v. Izulde/Danny/digamma/Marc Vaughan/Logan/MrBug708 (Roughly). No obvious similarities on those "teams". I think this is an area where we're all individually influenced by women in our lives and our relationship history. Or maybe it's just sensitivity. I admit I'm definitely way on the more sensitive side when it comes to this stuff.

[Izulde]

What's even more interesting is that some of this is situation specific. For example, I also do the texting/contacting thing if I think I'm going to be even as much as 5 minutes late, and in general strive to be to places 10-15 minutes early if possible.

[Draft Dodger]

Wow...

I'm glad it worked out for you, I suppose.

But the birthday party deal would have been a huge issue for me.

Maybe I am overly sensitive, maybe I am wrong..I dont know. But just reading this made my heart sink and my BP rise. The combination of these two incidents would be a relationship breaker for anything short of already married and would severly damage even that.


I am not in any way suggesting it should be that big of an issue, only saying it would be to me and, I suppose, affirming that your emotional reaction isnt unique

Call my a cynic, but when I read the first post it immediately felt to me like she was playing you - clearly making up an excuse to get out of the concert (can't say I blame her...sheesh, Arcade Fire?). And then to have her bail on the concert and then an hour later go to some party? Feels like she orchestrated this whole thing. Hopefully, not for any reason more sinister than she just didn't want to go to the concert.

[ISiddiqui]

Wow...

I'm glad it worked out for you, I suppose.

But the birthday party deal would have been a huge issue for me.

Maybe I am overly sensitive, maybe I am wrong..I dont know. But just reading this made my heart sink and my BP rise. The combination of these two incidents would be a relationship breaker for anything short of already married and would severly damage even that.


I am not in any way suggesting it should be that big of an issue, only saying it would be to me and, I suppose, affirming that your emotional reaction isnt unique

Thanks, I appreciate that. I had to talk on the phone to one of my close female friends (don't worry, she's married and they are both close to the gf as well) to calm down after that. The friend affirmed that she could see it both ways (though she really affirmed that I wasn't wrong for feeling what I was feeling), that perhaps she was so happy to get done, she wanted to blow off steam. Talking to the friend helped me calm down. However, the gf didn't try to get to the concert late, though the reason there makes some sense - she doesn't have a car, and her sister was already going up to that party. I still don't think it is the right thing to do. I tend to follow the avoid even the appearance of evil line of thinking.

When we did talk she looked me straight in the eye and said "I wanted to go to the concert with you more than anything last night" and I don't think she was lying. But she doesn't have very good long term planning and she's very "in the moment" - she basically didn't give it a second thought that the essay is done, I missed the window for the concert, well, I can still go to this birthday party - and didn't see anything wrong with it. Which I don't understand, but she doesn't understand my point (kept saying, I couldn't make the concert, and then I finished... so what is the problem).

Just at completely different understandings. I wonder if its a geographical / raised up with thing. I'm from NJ with immigrant parents - you made plans, you stuck to them, and you didn't do anything that indicated that you were blowing people off. She's from Montana and has even mentioned that Atlanta can be too formal for her (!!). We both enjoyed watching "Seinfeld" but for different reasons I suspect - I totally sympathized with the main cast of New Yorkers who were trying to enforce obvious manners and ran into folks who didn't care a whit about them, while I'm betting that she saw it as crazy New Yorkers trying to enforce strange rules and manners on things. I dunno, this is wild ass speculation and I may just be Britta-ing it (Community reference).

[CU Tiger]

Call my a cynic, but when I read the first post it immediately felt to me like she was playing you - clearly making up an excuse to get out of the concert (can't say I blame her...sheesh, Arcade Fire?). And then to have her bail on the concert and then an hour later go to some party? Feels like she orchestrated this whole thing. Hopefully, not for any reason more sinister than she just didn't want to go to the concert.



If you are a cynic, Im right there with you ;)

************************************
Edit: I walked away and came back and posted this, THEN saw Issi last post.

I think to me this is just about placing value on other's time, feelings, emotions, etc.

She can't say she wanted to go to the concert more than anything. She didnt want it more than she wanted to procrastinate the paper. She didnt want it more than she wanted sleep Thursday night...Hell she didnt want it more than she wanted the scholarship (this one, and only this one I totally get)...and I am enough of an asshole I'd have called her on the more than anything statement with that exact retort as soon as she said it.

Though to be fair, I am the type of guy who always places more value on other people's thoughts, feelings, wants than I do my own. However I am also very out spoken about how I feel and if I am pissed, hurt, wronged, disappointed I will tell the other person damn near immediately nearly always.

It is good that you have other people to talk to that know each of you as that can help ease the mind from jumping down unnecessary rabbit holes.

[Danny]

My opinion has changed a bit with the updates. I probably would have been upset with the updated information.

First thing I would have done after finishing is call my SO and let them know and then see how we could celebrate under the circumstances, especially knowing that the essay caused me to miss our plans. Did she call you to check in with you?

[ISiddiqui]

I think to me this is just about placing value on other's time, feelings, emotions, etc.

This is it in a nutshell, IMO. I agree in total with the rest of your post as well[/QUOTE]

First thing I would have done after finishing is call my SO and let them know and then see how we could celebrate under the circumstances, especially knowing that the essay caused me to miss our plans. Did she call you to check in with you?

She sent me a text when I was the concert saying she had sent off the paper for review to our friend and she was going to the party to wish the birthday guy good wishes while waiting on the paper to be sent back. I assumed (always bad to do, yes) that she'd go over for like a half hour and then come back to finish. I didn't realize she brought the laptop over with her - something about her sister who was driving her to and fro the party wanted to look at the revisions and revise them before they were submitted, and her sister was leaving for the party. So I came back home and no one was there and I texted her... um, where are you. Still at the party... but she left to come back after I texted her. Though she thought that I wouldn't get back until midnight (I mean, which band actually starts their show on time! Canadians! ;)) so the fault is shared there for me not telling her I was coming back.

[JonInMiddleGA]

While I was critical of the whole wasn't-gonna-go-to-the-show bit (and I'm genuinely happy that you did, that's emotionally healthy decision making IMO), I will say that the whole b-day party afterwards thing strikes me as a pretty serious boneheaded decision on her part.

[PurdueBrad]

Yeah, I agree with JIMGA here, I will give her the benefit of the double by saying it was a bone-headed move on her part but it certainly rings selfish/self-centered a bit which is the vibe that I got from other parts of the story.

[Galaxy]

You guys are treating this scholarship essay way too cavalierly IMO. It's a full ride, so it's a major deal, considering the average cost of a seminary degree is between $35,000 - $50,000. A half-assed slapdash job like y'all are suggesting is a surefire way to sink her.

I mean, on the one hand you've got people going all "Oh that's nothing - 600 word essay should totally be able to knock out in a couple of hours" and then people are all like "It's such a big deal that she didn't work on it sooner that this is something Imran needs to worry about for the future."
.

But she is going to knock it in a couple of hours...because that's all she has time left. You're arguing that she shouldn't be cavalier about this and it shouldn't be a slapdash job, but then you argue that she's facing a deadline that is just within a few hours, so she needs to take it seriously.

The price of tickets is irrelevant. The fact that he likes the band or not is irrelevant. It's the commitment. Is this an one-time thing? Does she change or bail a lot on other things? If so, this is the underlying issue here, because while this incident sucks, I get the feeling it's not an one-off thing to start a thread with this as an example.

the bolded has me thinking even more you're emotionally high maintenance.

Get off your high horse. I think his reaction is pretty normal for a guy. The birthday party thing would of kind pissed me off, and I'm assuming it would for any person (male or female). Quite honestly, Draft Dodger kind of hit it on the head...it felt strange how it played out. Did she really want to go to the birthday party instead of the concert in the first place?

[CraigSca]

Probably over-valuing this, but for me this story really struck home for me.

When I was in a relationship a long, long time ago (1991-1994), things like this started happening. Things like... I would be on a business trip and she and I made plans to get together as soon as I got home. Instead of heading home to unpack, I went directly to her apartment (inconvenience for me, but hey, we made plans!) and she wasn't there (WTF?). Sat around for an hour while her sister called her and tried to get in touch with her. Never did, went home and finally got a call later that night apologizing profusely, blah, blah, blah. I didn't realize it at the time, but this was but one example of the beginning of the end.

Reading your story - all i could think was, does she even LIKE you? Who the heck does this to someone? For me - the birthday party attendance felt like 1994 for me. You make plans with someone, you live up to them. You make plans with your SO, you REALLY live up to them. Sure life gets in the way sometimes (and I would totally understand if she had heard about the essay on Monday of that week or something), and you do your best, but the combination of falling asleep, then getting it done shortly after you leave and then attending a birthday party just reeks of "I'd rather be somewhere else."

Again, hope I'm reading more into this, but this is the only snapshot of the relationship you've shared with us.

[molson]

Did she really want to go to the birthday party instead of the concert in the first place?

It's hard not to wonder that. I imagine this scenario where her and her sister are actually scheming this and this is the plan to get to the party and not the concert. Maybe that's too cynical, and maybe it's unlikely that's how it went down, but when you go to the birthday party after all this, you can encourage thoughts like that, which can be just as bad. If you genuinely have extra time you didn't expect, get your ass to the concert if it's still possible, or setup a big surprise post-concert party at home with booze and food and such. ("I felt bad about what happened, so I wanted to show you that, and how important you are")

[sabotai]

With each update, and I understand the trap of only getting the story from one side, it seems worse. In the OP, I did think Imran was kinda being a little over sensitive. The second update about managing to get the thing done in time to go to the party which happened to be just an hour after Imran left for the concert sounded kinda fishy.

Now in the last update, it turns out the essay wasn't even done.

she basically didn't give it a second thought that the essay is done, I missed the window for the concert, well, I can still go to this birthday party - and didn't see anything wrong with it. Which I don't understand

I'll be honest, at least in this isolated moment, I do understand that logic. But then you said:

I didn't realize she brought the laptop over with her - something about her sister who was driving her to and fro the party wanted to look at the revisions and revise them before they were submitted, and her sister was leaving for the party.

So it wasn't even done! She sent it to a friend to proofread and then when she got the 'go ahead', was then going to submit it. If her sister wanted to help her so much, she should have told the people at the party that she'd either be late or miss the party because she was helping her sister with something important. Not "dragged" her to the party. (I put dragged in quotes because I somehow doubt there was much coercing on her sister's part).

This might just be me, but if I have something very important to get done, I don't do anything that could jeopardize getting it done until it's done. I understand procrastination, I went through all levels of schooling doing that with just about everything. But if I ever found myself in a similar series of events that led up to having to finish writing something that day, that means my ass is parked in that chair at home until it is completely finished.

I don't get very emotional about things. I'm probably more like his gf, where I just think "well, it's not the end of the world" and move on - at least, when it comes to things happening to me. I definitely go out of my way not to inconvenience others, and I certainly would not say "it's not like the world ended" if anyone objected to something I did or said.

I don't get very "up" for concerts, but if there was a similar type of event that I was excited for and similar events leading up to it played out, I probably would have just thought "oh well, I'll just by myself" or not had gone at all. After all, it's not like it's the end of the world. But say I go by myself, and then an hour after getting there I get texted "Finally got it done, heading out to blow off steam" I would have raised an eyebrow but then have gone back to doing what I was doing. I can understand why the pressure to get it done before the event might have brought about anxiety and writer's block, and when that pressure had lifted, the anxiety was lifted with it.

It's that last piece. This essay was so important, but she wasn't even finished when she left. She takes a laptop to a party where any number of issues could have come up to prevent her from finishing and submitting the essay in time. That part really jumps out at me.

It might sound silly to some people for others to deconstruct this so much, but this is clearly a symptom of a much larger issue. This wasn't "about some concert", this was about Imran's pattern recognition machine called his brain noticing an issue with his girlfriend. Yeah, we're just getting one side of this story, but if the order of events is at least accurate, she seems to completely lack forethought. And he says as much, saying that she's very "in the moment".

But that's not an excuse. I'm far more "in the moment" than I'm not, and living your life like that is perfectly fine when you're single. It doesn't fly so much when you're in a relationship and you need to adjust or you'll frequently run into issues like this.

So either one of two things has to happen. Either she changes and starts taking long term commitments more seriously and realizes that she needs to plan things out better (I call this the "wishful thinking" option), or Imran decides that this is just a part of her personality, it's not going to change, and he either stops making long term plans for things he wants to do or he needs to make sure to have a back-up plan for the times when she flakes out.

[JonInMiddleGA]

So either one of two things has to happen. Either she changes and starts taking long term commitments more seriously and realizes that she needs to plan things out better (I call this the "wishful thinking" option), or Imran decides that this is just a part of her personality, it's not going to change, and he either stops making long term plans for things he wants to do or he needs to make sure to have a back-up plan for the times when she flakes out.

Or you do what, ultimately, my wife & I have both done: deal with the reality that what interests one doesn't interest the other & satisfy those needs independent of the s.o.

Aside from things related to/connected to our child, I honestly can't even come close to telling you the last event we both attended with relatively mutual interest (I'm not counting funerals, work related stuff, etc). I can't even tell you the last TV show we had in common aside from some live sports. The number of truly mutual friends that are relatively equally friends to both of us is almost certainly single digits & largely numbers people 20 years our junior who have only ever known us as a couple (and almost see us like quasi-parental figures).

And yet somehow we're still married 20 years later.

[molson]

Or you do what, ultimately, my wife & I have both done: deal with the reality that what interests one doesn't interest the other & satisfy those needs independent of the s.o.


Do you your tell your wife what things don't interest you, or do you claim interest and then back out the day before?

[JonInMiddleGA]

Do you your tell your wife what things don't interest you, or do you claim interest and then back out the day before?

Hey, I said "ultimately" didn't I? ;)

(i.e. we finally figured out that doing stuff the other truly had no interest in accomplished little except making one person fairly miserable and then trading miseries as some sort of bizarro payback scheme)

[Izulde]

This is it in a nutshell, IMO. I agree in total with the rest of your post as well

She sent me a text when I was the concert saying she had sent off the paper for review to our friend and she was going to the party to wish the birthday guy good wishes while waiting on the paper to be sent back. I assumed (always bad to do, yes) that she'd go over for like a half hour and then come back to finish. I didn't realize she brought the laptop over with her - something about her sister who was driving her to and fro the party wanted to look at the revisions and revise them before they were submitted, and her sister was leaving for the party..

Okay, yeah, I can't defend on her that one at all. That's completely inexcusable. One does not go to a party while they wait for revisions on an essay this important and this time-crunchy. They do something at home to relax while they wait for the return email to pop up so they can finish their final draft.

[booradley]

This is where I think Autumn's post captures it perfectly (and is where my main aggravation stems):



The GF and I are just vastly different on this aspect. I consider myself over-considerate - for example I text people if I'm going to be even 5 minutes late and am very apologetic when I arrive (Yes, I am very persnickety when it comes to manners in that way). While one of my GF's fav phrases (until I told her how much it annoyed me) was "It's not like the world ended" when minorly inconveniencing other folks (which to me is fairly scandalous - just because its a minor inconvenience doesn't mean that it doesn't affect that other person). It's a very different mindset and it clashes more than few times.

Your POV is correct and I am heartened to hear it. Courtesy is a lost art. I have friends who will keep me waiting without a word for 20-30 minutes, then show up without the slightest apology. I would be ashamed of myself to act in such a way.

[ISiddiqui]

So, the girlfriend has been adamant that she wanted to see the concert. And when I was confronting her about the birthday party, she looked me in the eye and without any wavering indicated that the thing she most wanted to do was to go the concert with me. Considering she's a horrible liar, I believe her. She honestly has no clue why I'd be upset - by the time it was to go to the concert, she wasn't done with her paper yet. And when she did finish, she went to the party - partially to get her sister to review it, and partially (obv) to say happy birthday to the friend. She seems nothing wrong with this and I don't think we'll ever see eye to eye on it.

I joke that my gf is one of the most oblivious people ever. And yes, it can come across as incredibly self-centered - she just doesn't notice things around her. If she does notice things, she can be very caring and conscientious, but its not easy to get to that point at times.

On the upside, my and some friends, and the gf was included, planned going to the Braves game after church. It's not my gf's thing, but she went anyways and enjoyed herself learning about baseball and hanging out doing what I wanted to do - so that was nice (I wonder if Friday's event made her more willing to go to the game).

Or you do what, ultimately, my wife & I have both done: deal with the reality that what interests one doesn't interest the other & satisfy those needs independent of the s.o.

I read this and it does seem something like this may be a good thing to keep in mind.

[ISiddiqui]

So either one of two things has to happen. Either she changes and starts taking long term commitments more seriously and realizes that she needs to plan things out better (I call this the "wishful thinking" option), or Imran decides that this is just a part of her personality, it's not going to change, and he either stops making long term plans for things he wants to do or he needs to make sure to have a back-up plan for the times when she flakes out.

I think it'll definitely have to be the later - and made more long term plans with friends rather than the S.O.

[DaddyTorgo]

Which is totally cool as long as you're like...fine with it and understand it going in I guess.

[DaddyTorgo]

Or you do what, ultimately, my wife & I have both done: deal with the reality that what interests one doesn't interest the other & satisfy those needs independent of the s.o.

Aside from things related to/connected to our child, I honestly can't even come close to telling you the last event we both attended with relatively mutual interest (I'm not counting funerals, work related stuff, etc). I can't even tell you the last TV show we had in common aside from some live sports. The number of truly mutual friends that are relatively equally friends to both of us is almost certainly single digits & largely numbers people 20 years our junior who have only ever known us as a couple (and almost see us like quasi-parental figures).

And yet somehow we're still married 20 years later.

To each their own - no judgement on you (and I mean that with 100% sincerity), but honestly this just sounds really depressing to me, and I can't imagine being in a relationship like that. I wouldn't want to be with someone where I couldn't attend a non child-related event that we didn't have a mutual interest in.

But it works for you two, so good for you.

[JonInMiddleGA]

I wouldn't want to be with someone where I couldn't attend a non child-related event that we didn't have a mutual interest in.

{shrug} It is what it is.

My point wasn't anything about my life (or at least revealing anything about it) as it was to point out that there's a wide range of ways that relationships work.

[Izulde]

This separate interests thing is actually more common than you think, DT. I know one of my good friends and her husband (before she passed away in 2008) had completely separate interests, but one of the ways they had fun pursuing separate interests but were still able to be together would be to sit in the same room, each doing their own activity (knitting and Internet for her, and I think TV watching and model airplane and boat building for him) and talking to each other.

[DaddyTorgo]

This separate interests thing is actually more common than you think, DT. I know one of my good friends and her husband (before she passed away in 2008) had completely separate interests, but one of the ways they had fun pursuing separate interests but were still able to be together would be to sit in the same room, each doing their own activity (knitting and Internet for her, and I think TV watching and model airplane and boat building for him) and talking to each other.

Not saying it doesn't work for some people (and good for them), just expressing that it seems antithetical to what a relationship means to me. But if it works for some people, great.

I'd be surprised if it's "more common than I think" though, especially based on 2 anecdotes though Izulde. I don't really buy your take on a lot of things lately (in this or the Sterling thread) though, so I'm wondering what that's all about TBH. But that's not really fot his thread.

[JonInMiddleGA]

I'd be surprised if it's "more common than I think" though

Depends, I guess, upon how common you think it is.

There's also, I would think, a significant difference in the occurrence of it at different stages of the relationship.

[CU Tiger]

To each their own - no judgement on you (and I mean that with 100% sincerity), but honestly this just sounds really depressing to me, and I can't imagine being in a relationship like that. I wouldn't want to be with someone where I couldn't attend a non child-related event that we didn't have a mutual interest in.

But it works for you two, so good for you.



And this is what makes humans so interesting.
I read the post from Jon and thought..how nice and understanding.


See other than college football my wife and I have exactly 0 hobbies in common.
I am a total outdoor guy. Given a sunny day Id rather sit in a chair in the middle of the yard and do nothing than anything inside and to her a sunny day = hot and sweaty, yuk...

Same goes for her ideal pass times.

BUT she is the type who feels like we "must" do things together....which leads to fishing trips where she sits in the truck or on the boat aand is miserable and I wish I was there alone...OR movie visits where I literally sleep through the flick while drinking red bulls. When I suggest separate activities its a fight and "why dont you want to spend time with me"

So Jon's solution sounded mature and understanding to me...not at all depressing. Though I can see where someone who is "married to their best friend" could feel that way. In my case we are more complimentary pieces than identical matches.

[DaddyTorgo]

And like I said - that's cool. To each their own, ya know?

Glad to hear it works for you guys. And I mean that, 100%.

[sabotai]

Or you do what, ultimately, my wife & I have both done: deal with the reality that what interests one doesn't interest the other & satisfy those needs independent of the s.o.

Well that sounds like a different situation. In this case, I was assuming mutual interest in the band and going to concerts in general. If she's flaking out due to trying to get out of something she has no interest in, that's....worse. In that case, they should do those things separately or get used to suffering through things.

[Danny]

Well that sounds like a different situation. In this case, I was assuming mutual interest in the band and going to concerts in general. If she's flaking out due to trying to get out of something she has no interest in, that's....worse. In that case, they should do those things separately or get used to suffering through things.

And at least be honest about it.

[Galaxy]

Not saying it doesn't work for some people (and good for them), just expressing that it seems antithetical to what a relationship means to me. But if it works for some people, great.

I'd be surprised if it's "more common than I think" though, especially based on 2 anecdotes though Izulde. I don't really buy your take on a lot of things lately (in this or the Sterling thread) though, so I'm wondering what that's all about TBH. But that's not really fot his thread.

Just judging from the small sample size of my inner circle, I think it's rather common. However, it doesn't mean one doesn't express interest in their significant others interest.

[DaddyTorgo]

Just judging from the small sample size of my inner circle, I think it's rather common. However, it doesn't mean one doesn't express interest in their significant others interest.

This is a larger point than this thread, and I don't mean to drag it off course: Not saying one has to be interested in everything obviously, but I've always been looking for at least...some common interests. Without them...frankly I don't see the point.

[JonInMiddleGA]

Without them...frankly I don't see the point.

It's the whole "my spouse, my best friend" thing.

I'm not a proponent of that, looking back, I never really have been.

[DaddyTorgo]

It's the whole "my spouse, my best friend" thing.

I'm not a proponent of that, looking back, I never really have been.

So what was the reason for getting married then?

Well I mean - there's a difference between "best friend" and "sharing some common interests."

[CraigSca]

I don't think best friend necessarily means you share completely common interests. Sure, we think alike on a number of different issues and enjoy each others company, but my wife is a beach person and I am not (as an example). I can list a number of different ways she would like to spend her time, that I have no interest in and vice versa. Overall, however, we respect that about each other.

Just because you're best friends and married doesn't mean you have to spend each minute of every day together.

[Kodos]

Just because you're best friends and married doesn't mean you have to spend each minute of every day together.

This is something I think a lot of people don't understand. To me, there needs to be time spent doing things apart from each other.

[molson]

Just because you're best friends and married doesn't mean you have to spend each minute of every day together.

Definitely not, but I'm kind of intrigued by the other end of the spectrum being expressed here where couples have no common interests. Do they just meet up occasionally for sex and and maybe a meal?

I would think the more common setup would be you have a bunch of stuff you like doing together, a few things that one really likes but the other will tolerate, and a few thing that one really likes but the other completely avoids. That's always been my rough ideal. I definitely want my own solitary pursuits and hobbies, but, there has to be at least some amount of things that we like doing together also.

(Edit: I suppose once there's kids, that's the big thing a lot couples have in common and participate in together, so maybe the lack of common interests is a lot less noticeable).

[DaddyTorgo]

Definitely not, but I'm kind of intrigued by the other end of the spectrum being expressed here where couples have no common interests. Do they just meet up occasionally for sex and and maybe a meal?

I would think the more common setup would be you have a bunch of stuff you like doing together, a few things that one really likes but the other will tolerate, and a few thing that one really likes but the other completely avoids. That's always been my rough ideal. I definitely want my own solitary pursuits and hobbies, but, there has to be at least some amount of things that we like doing together also.

(Edit: I suppose once there's kids, that's the big thing a lot couples have in common and participate in together, so maybe the lack of common interests is a lot less noticeable).

Yeah - not saying I want to do everything together all the time, but (aside from kids/before kids) if there's no common interests then there's no topics to discuss, which just means there's silence, which means I might as well be alone.

Fully expect someone to have their own interests, want to have my own interests, but we have to share some common interests. But who knows, maybe these are all couples that got together really young when that type of thing is less of an issue, and then had kids?

[Galaxy]

Do they just meet up occasionally for sex and and maybe a meal?



You make it sound like this is a bad thing. :D

[Suburban Rhythm]

Definitely not, but I'm kind of intrigued by the other end of the spectrum being expressed here where couples have no common interests. Do they just meet up occasionally for sex and and maybe a meal?

I would think the more common setup would be you have a bunch of stuff you like doing together, a few things that one really likes but the other will tolerate, and a few thing that one really likes but the other completely avoids. That's always been my rough ideal. I definitely want my own solitary pursuits and hobbies, but, there has to be at least some amount of things that we like doing together also.

(Edit: I suppose once there's kids, that's the big thing a lot couples have in common and participate in together, so maybe the lack of common interests is a lot less noticeable).

You make it sound like this is a bad thing. :D

Wait, this is an option? Where do I sign up?

[nol]

(Edit: I suppose once there's kids, that's the big thing a lot couples have in common and participate in together, so maybe the lack of common interests is a lot less noticeable).

I'd even go as far as to say that having diverse interests represented between the two parents is a positive when it comes to kids. It's good to know that if I have a kid who is more into artistic pursuits than sports, his or her mother (who asked me at the last basketball game we attended why someone was holding a sign with the letter D and a picture of a fence) would be a much better resource than I would.

[JonInMiddleGA]

But who knows, maybe these are all couples that got together really young when that type of thing is less of an issue, and then had kids?

Bzzt. I was nearly 30 and she was ... well let's just say "past 30" and leave it at it ;)

[Galaxy]

Bzzt. I was nearly 30 and she was ... well let's just say "past 30" and leave it at it ;)

A cougar? ;)

[JonInMiddleGA]

A cougar? ;)

Actually, we've been married so long now that particular term hadn't even come into use yet.

Damn. I suddenly feel quite old.

[CU Tiger]

For me ...we started "dating" young. (15)
Married at 21.

Coming up on 20 years married now.

I dont think dis similar interests means nothing to talk about. Granted the kids consume much of the conversation, but aside from that my wife is a craft freak and sews and embroiders and makes stuff for people. She loves to tell me about it. I have no desire to take part in any of the creation process, but I love hearing her stories and even appreciate the final product. She has no desire to turn wrenches but loves to hear stories when me and my son race.

Just because we dont do the same things doesnt mean we dont care what the other does. If anything the disparate interests GIVES us something to talk about that the other doesnt already know.

[Marc Vaughan]

Just because we dont do the same things doesnt mean we dont care what the other does. If anything the disparate interests GIVES us something to talk about that the other doesnt already know.

This in a nutshell - I don't think its vital to have shared interests, but its vital that each person respect the other and shows an interest in their activities imho ...

[JonInMiddleGA]

CU Tiger is doing a way better job of explaining things than I could, so I'll just try to stay out of the way on that.

[DaddyTorgo]

For me ...we started "dating" young. (15)
Married at 21.

Coming up on 20 years married now.

I dont think dis similar interests means nothing to talk about. Granted the kids consume much of the conversation, but aside from that my wife is a craft freak and sews and embroiders and makes stuff for people. She loves to tell me about it. I have no desire to take part in any of the creation process, but I love hearing her stories and even appreciate the final product. She has no desire to turn wrenches but loves to hear stories when me and my son race.

Just because we dont do the same things doesnt mean we dont care what the other does. If anything the disparate interests GIVES us something to talk about that the other doesnt already know.

Right - I get that, and that makes sense. I'm not saying things that you actually do together. That's what I'd expect. But (a) I'd presume there might be one or two non-kid related common interests of SOME sort, and (b) from the way others were painting it it was like there was virtually no conversation outside of kid-related stuff. Like two strangers living in a house and co-parenting.

[molson]

Ya, I thought I was at the lower-end of how much time I want to spend with my girlfriend over the course of a week, but I can't imagine just not doing anything with her except listening to her talk about stuff I couldn't care enough about to participate in myself. I mean, I certainly do that, but I can't imagine it being the entire relationship. It's a ton of fun to find someone you're really into that you like to do stuff with, both in terms of shared interests, and stuff that you only discovered through each other. Isn't it? Anyone?

[Logan]

Without getting a push from my wife, there was no way in hell I ever thought I would get married in Mexico. "It's too much to ask of people, it's expensive, it's a lot of time away, it's hard to plan" is some of the stuff I was using to argue against it. Fast forward to a couple realizations on my end, and nearly a year later it was the best thing I've ever done in my life. It was a simply amazing few days and doing the same thing for 6 hours at some random place in Jersey never would have compared.

I also hated cats before I met my wife, but knew going in that she was a cat person and I needed to be open-minded. We adopted two kittens about 8 months ago and now I love those little bastards.

But the biggest thing, by far, is that my wife turned me on to Parks and Recreation. The thought of not having Ron Swanson in my life? I just can't...

So yeah, having someone to broaden your senses/interests is pretty awesome.

[JonInMiddleGA]

It's a ton of fun to find someone you're really into that you like to do stuff with, both in terms of shared interests, and stuff that you only discovered through each other. Isn't it? Anyone?

Certainly nothing wrong with what you describe here, I think perhaps my comment (which seems to have opened up this sidebar) was more meant to illustrate that it doesn't always work out that way.

I mean, let's take a quick look at the things I care the most about / am most interested in over the years.

Music? I think I dated maybe three girls/women over 20+ years that remotely shared my musical tastes, much less actually gave a serious damn about it.

Politics? Although I've become more conservative over time, I don't recall ever being seriously involved with anyone who wasn't at least somewhat left of me at whatever moment. And most certainly no one that shared my interest level in the topic in general.

Gaming? Yeah, right.

[CU Tiger]

Right - I get that, and that makes sense. I'm not saying things that you actually do together. That's what I'd expect. But (a) I'd presume there might be one or two non-kid related common interests of SOME sort, and (b) from the way others were painting it it was like there was virtually no conversation outside of kid-related stuff. Like two strangers living in a house and co-parenting.


Again I can really only speak for me. But like I said initially "other than college football"...during football season we both look very forward to every weekend. And my wife is not just a "tailgate girl" she loves to cook, bake and concoct all kinds of treats..but she is also a legitimate football fan. (To illustrate last year in the Clemson UGA game we had a UGA fan in front of us who was really cool. After the game he congratulated us on the win and made some comment about it shouldnt have been as close as it was. My wife replied, "Yeah I wanted to strangle Brent Venebales the entire second half for playing that soft 2 deep crap when the press was giving the WR fits in the first half. I was scared he was going to give that one away"...he walked away shaking his head)

Now lets contrast that with this past Sunday. It was a beautiful Chamber of Commerce day in SC. mid 80s breezy beautiful. I would rather have my nuts in a vice than spend a minute of that perfection inside. My wife really wanted to finish up some embroidery work she had been doing and soak in the tub.

For the first few years of our marriage that was a fight. Either I stayed inside to "be with her" and begrudged her for "ruining my weekend" or I drug her into some activity that she not only didnt enjoy but bitched incessently and ruine dmy enjoyment of said activity as well.

What we did instead was I did some yard work, washed my truck and took the kids to the batting cages for a few hours (including my son's gf).

When I got home we cooked dinner together and she showed me her latest crafty creation and I discussed how the kids were doing with their hitting and what all we did. We had dinner as a family and then put the kids to bed. She went for the tub and I went to watch some NBA playoff action.

Now I suppose an "ideal" would be a wife who said "Hey Id love to go hiking or take the kids to batting cage." and I have some friends who have that arrangement.

The difference seems to be when you spend all you spare time together youhave little left to disucss since you ahve the same experiences...

Id like to spend more time making this point but have to run, ill try to finish my thought later

[DaddyTorgo]

That's a fair point - and again, I'm not arguing for spending every second together. Like I said, the thing that stuck out to me initially was the perhaps (mis)characterization of essentially spending zero time together and having no interaction outside of parenting.

Clearly that's not your situation though CU Tiger.

[JonInMiddleGA]

Since the threadjack seems to be in full swing here I'll try to address the seemingly obvious question of "with so little in common how in the heck did you end up married to who you married in the first place". Maybe that'll make more sense of this for those it kind of bewilders, maybe it won't ... but seems worth throwing out there.

First thing you have to consider is that I've been married just over 20 years. Lots of things happen, and change, during that length of time.

At the time we met, we were both in the same general industry (still are, we just despise it a lot more than we used to). We were both at roughly the same stage of life despite the age difference, specifically pretty burned out on "dating" and not really looking for anything serious or meaningful. Both of us had to some extent given up on that sort of thing I think.

We each thought the other was smarter than the average bear, from relatively different sides of the tracks (so there were new experiences to be had for each, regardless of whether we eventually enjoyed them), we both appreciated our Southern backgrounds, we both appreciated the positive aspects of AND felt the need to escape from our relatively small town upbringings. Neither of us had any desire to have kids (ironic, eh?).

Basically 2 people at loose ends, with little in the way of initial expectations ... the sex was good, our strengths & weaknesses complimented each other pretty well (still do in fact), we kept each other from spending too much time in our own heads. Indeed, people first referred to us as being "like an old married couple" within about a month of our first date, there was just some sort of odd comfort level there pretty frequently.

One very important moment in particular to mention, one that almost certainly informed how we function in the relationship to this day, let's see if I can recount it briefly as possible. Long story short, we were about to leave her place to go to the annual downtown Atlanta New Year's Eve Peach Drop. Short trip, just 5 minutes over to the train & then into the middle of 100k people or so. As we made idle chitchat between the parking lot & the platform we both realized at about the same moment that the only reason we were going was because we thought the other person wanted to. Neither of us wanted any part of that size crowd or environment, we laughed at ourselves & got back in the car, stayed in & watched it on TV.

Fast forward less than a year from that, we eventually decide to get married (an almost anti-climactic step tbh), end up working at the same place.

Over time, a few things happened aside from the wedding. First, we kind of ran through all of the "my thing" and "her thing" stuff, truth was there wasn't much that we both mutually enjoyed. I could only suffer through so many estate sales & antique auctions before they wore thin. Second, about 4.5 years into the marriage along comes the unexpected child, and suddenly the concept of "personal time" became pretty precious because as anyone with a kid knows you suddenly have a lot less of it. Over the past 5-10 years our finances have not been what they were in the earlier stages of the marriage either, meaning that not only is time precious but so are resources, you don't just frivolously spend on things that you may not enjoy thirty minutes into it. And the low cost/no cost things we enjoy are pretty much mutually exclusive to each other's interests. She's not going to sit around digging up obscure hard rock bands on YouTube, I'm not going to sit around looking at real estate or window shopping online for shit I'll never be able to afford. Hell, I'm a chainsmoker, she's a lung cancer survivor, so even being in the same room for extended periods is impractical at best.

I don't think anybody ever sets out to find a life partner that they have virtually nothing in common with but, well, it happens. And it really doesn't seem to be all that difficult to have happen, you don't even have to try.

[JonInMiddleGA]

And, having posted that, I had no idea how long of an essay it was turning into. Even with leaving out a lot of stuff & trying to boil it down to the basics it's still f'n War & Peace.

My apologies to those who don't enjoy long-winded stuff, I sure didn't intend for it to be that length.

[Izulde]

I sure didn't intend for it to be that length.

That's what she said

[JonInMiddleGA]

That's what she said


:banghead:

I shoulda seen that one coming, I really shoulda.

[digamma]

Since the threadjack seems to be in full swing here

Time to get this thing back on track:

The Concert and the Point Guard (http://www.washingtonpost.com/sports/wizards/lady-gaga-fans-unhappy-that-washington-concert-could-take-back-seat-to-nba-playoff/2014/05/05/0d89fd8a-d47c-11e3-8a78-8fe50322a72c_story.html)

[JonInMiddleGA]

Time to get this thing back on track:

The Concert and the Point Guard (http://www.washingtonpost.com/sports/wizards/lady-gaga-fans-unhappy-that-washington-concert-could-take-back-seat-to-nba-playoff/2014/05/05/0d89fd8a-d47c-11e3-8a78-8fe50322a72c_story.html)

Oh damn. That's a recipe for a serious throwndown outside the arena. Next to screwing with a Bieber date I can't think of much that would create a bigger uproar than screwing with a Gaga date (I've got an nearly 50 yr old friend who has planned for months around seeing her in Atlanta tonight ... she'd have f'ed up some people if the Hawks had interfered with that)

[Galaxy]

Again I can really only speak for me. But like I said initially "other than college football"...during football season we both look very forward to every weekend. And my wife is not just a "tailgate girl" she loves to cook, bake and concoct all kinds of treats..but she is also a legitimate football fan. (To illustrate last year in the Clemson UGA game we had a UGA fan in front of us who was really cool. After the game he congratulated us on the win and made some comment about it shouldnt have been as close as it was. My wife replied, "Yeah I wanted to strangle Brent Venebales the entire second half for playing that soft 2 deep crap when the press was giving the WR fits in the first half. I was scared he was going to give that one away"...he walked away shaking his head)

Now lets contrast that with this past Sunday. It was a beautiful Chamber of Commerce day in SC. mid 80s breezy beautiful. I would rather have my nuts in a vice than spend a minute of that perfection inside. My wife really wanted to finish up some embroidery work she had been doing and soak in the tub.

For the first few years of our marriage that was a fight. Either I stayed inside to "be with her" and begrudged her for "ruining my weekend" or I drug her into some activity that she not only didnt enjoy but bitched incessently and ruine dmy enjoyment of said activity as well.

What we did instead was I did some yard work, washed my truck and took the kids to the batting cages for a few hours (including my son's gf).

When I got home we cooked dinner together and she showed me her latest crafty creation and I discussed how the kids were doing with their hitting and what all we did. We had dinner as a family and then put the kids to bed. She went for the tub and I went to watch some NBA playoff action.

Now I suppose an "ideal" would be a wife who said "Hey Id love to go hiking or take the kids to batting cage." and I have some friends who have that arrangement.

The difference seems to be when you spend all you spare time together youhave little left to disucss since you ahve the same experiences...

Id like to spend more time making this point but have to run, ill try to finish my thought later

Great perspective. How do you handle traveling or going out to dinner?

[Butter]

Without getting a push from my wife, there was no way in hell I ever thought I would get married in Mexico. "It's too much to ask of people, it's expensive, it's a lot of time away, it's hard to plan" is some of the stuff I was using to argue against it. Fast forward to a couple realizations on my end, and nearly a year later it was the best thing I've ever done in my life.

Would love to hear more about this, as I have the same thoughts when friends have "destination" weddings and never considered one myself, though they weren't as much of a thing 15+ years ago when I got married. What were the realizations you had?

[Galaxy]

Time to get this thing back on track:

The Concert and the Point Guard (http://www.washingtonpost.com/sports/wizards/lady-gaga-fans-unhappy-that-washington-concert-could-take-back-seat-to-nba-playoff/2014/05/05/0d89fd8a-d47c-11e3-8a78-8fe50322a72c_story.html)

Lady Gaga is still relevant?

[JonInMiddleGA]

Lady Gaga is still relevant?

Forbes Magazine answered that question (http://www.forbes.com/sites/jesselawrence/2014/03/22/with-announcement-of-six-additional-shows-demand-for-lady-gaga-tickets-and-artpop-tour-is-strong/) back in March with a surprisingly detailed (for the topic) look at sales for this tour. She's doing just under $1m in ticket revenue per show on average, with extra dates having to be added in most of the major markets.

Despite the fact that I think she pretty much embodies a great deal of what's wrong with the country today, yeah, as far as touring artists goes she's definitely still relevant.

[CU Tiger]

Great perspective. How do you handle traveling or going out to dinner?

Those are two areas where we are very compatible.

We both love to see different places, especially islands and beaches...though even there Im more of an immerse in the local culture and she is more of a hit every tourist trap known to mankind type..

Dinner's are rare without kids...but when we get the chance we are both foodies a tad I suppose and love to try new places. I'm more craft beer and unique flavor and she is more linen table cloth and maitre' d....but we can both appreciate the other..though she refuses to drink beer

[Logan]

Would love to hear more about this, as I have the same thoughts when friends have "destination" weddings and never considered one myself, though they weren't as much of a thing 15+ years ago when I got married. What were the realizations you had?

Leaving work soon. If I don't get to this from home tonight, will definitely follow up tomorrow.

[Galaxy]

Forbes Magazine answered that question (http://www.forbes.com/sites/jesselawrence/2014/03/22/with-announcement-of-six-additional-shows-demand-for-lady-gaga-tickets-and-artpop-tour-is-strong/) back in March with a surprisingly detailed (for the topic) look at sales for this tour. She's doing just under $1m in ticket revenue per show on average, with extra dates having to be added in most of the major markets.

Despite the fact that I think she pretty much embodies a great deal of what's wrong with the country today, yeah, as far as touring artists goes she's definitely still relevant.

Interesting. I thought her tour was struggling, though the pricing strategy is not as aggressive. I figured that for big acts like a Lady Gaga, tickets go fast, really fast. Not sitting at 80% sold. I think the next album will be make-it-or-break it for her.

[Logan]

Would love to hear more about this, as I have the same thoughts when friends have "destination" weddings and never considered one myself, though they weren't as much of a thing 15+ years ago when I got married. What were the realizations you had?

I'm sure you were waiting on pins and needles for this...

So to start, my wife never wanted to get married in a big banquet hall. There are a ton of them in the NY/NJ area and most are pretty cookie cutter...over the top chandeliers, carpeting in most of them, etc. Our brothers/sisters all had gotten married in these types of places, she wanted something different, and I fully agreed. We started looking into the locations that were more unique, and places like wineries that would give you a different feel. Problem was those places, just like the banquet halls, were insanely expensive.

So money was a big part of it. Weddings in this part of the country are really tough to pull off on a budget, even if you're not looking for any frills. My parents were giving us a little money, her parents couldn't...and frankly, neither of us wanted them to spend tens of thousands on a wedding anyway. We had absolutely no interest in spending $30k-40k of our own savings for obvious reasons. We started thinking of ways that we could cut out tons of people, have something really small and make it more affordable, but it was becoming a pretty terrible, stressful process, and definitely not the way I wanted my (now) wife to be feeling at what should be an awesome time. So with that in mind, I agreed to revisit the idea of a destination wedding, and we quickly found out that everything could be done within our budget. I'll leave the rest of the money stuff out of it to move on to what else sold it for us...

You could make it as easy as possible for the people who are coming by picking a place that meets the following conditions: direct flights, reasonable flight length, location not far from the airport, all inclusive resorts, and reasonable costs. That left us with pretty much Mexico, Puerto Rico (short on all inclusives), and the Dominican Republic (excluding someplace like Jamaica because we didn't want people to have to be on a bus for 2 hours to get to the resort after flying in). We nixed DR because my wife has been there a few times, we had friends who got married there recently (we didn't go) and the general consensus was that the food at these places wasn't very good. If we were asking people to spend their money on a trip, we wanted the food and drinks to be great. That left us with Mexico and we knew a couple who got married at one particular resort that is part of a group of hotels with amazing reviews. Prices for the wedding and our guests would be reasonable, the food was supposedly amazing, premium drinks, great service, 15 mins from the airport, etc.

We also wanted a smaller wedding than the monsters that typically take place around here. Not only will a lot of people not come that far, but it was an easy way to cut out all those 2nd cousins, parents' friends, etc. And our friends, by and large, love to travel and thankfully have the means to do so. We ended up with about 80 people (which is actually pretty big for a destination wedding), 50-55 of which were friends...and maybe 10 total friends who couldn't make it for a combination of reasons, any of which were understandable.

I also realized how much more fun and meaningful everything would be if it was spread out over a few days instead of just one night...not to mention that you're spending significantly less money for a few days than the one night. So many of our friends/family who got married barely saw their spouses that night, or spent a bunch of time making the rounds saying hello and thanking people for coming that they didn't enjoy it as much as they wished they did. We had so much more time with everyone over the weekend that we actually did get meaningful time with people without feeling rushed. Most people came Thursday to Sunday so we did a "rehearsal dinner" BBQ on the beach Thursday, our wedding was Friday, and we had a small cocktail party thing Saturday night...plus all the other meals and beach/pool time throughout those days. We purposely had the wedding on Friday so people could have all day Saturday to themselves to do what they wanted. And for our friends, that meant everyone in the pool with one of the swim up bars where tons of alcohol was consumed, music playing, food ordered, etc. It was a massive party and my wife and I were actually able to part of the whole thing. We were at a party this past weekend and people were still talking about that day and how much fun it was. That was something we weren't getting with a wedding up here.

All in all, we spent a fraction of what we would have up here. The only thing we really spent a lot of money on was pictures and video, and that was well worth it. You have to go into this knowing you're absolutely being selfish asking people to spend a lot of time/money on your wedding, but the people who want to come will be there anyway and for the few who couldn't make it, there was no hard feelings in either direction. It was a great experience for us and I couldn't be happier we did it.

Sorry for that enormous length (that was for Izulde).

[molson]

I remember a couple of photos you posted from that wedding, I glanced at them quickly and just kind of assumed there were in the genre of "professional ridiculous beautiful photos of a place nobody really goes to" that pop up in the images thread. Nope, it was your wedding.

[Butter]

Thanks for responding. Sounds great, and the reasons totally make sense.

[Dr. Sak]

Lady Gaga is still relevant?

I will tell you after I see her tomorrow night...

[Logan]

I remember a couple of photos you posted from that wedding, I glanced at them quickly and just kind of assumed there were in the genre of "professional ridiculous beautiful photos of a place nobody really goes to" that pop up in the images thread. Nope, it was your wedding.

Thanks. Our photographers were amazing and although we did spend a nice chunk of change on them, they were totally worth it. They really live a great life too...it's a husband/wife team who moved from Nebraska to Mexico and they bounce around taking pics/video in these great locations. They're pricey by Mexico standards, but for people coming from the US they're a relative bargain.

Thanks for responding. Sounds great, and the reasons totally make sense.

Glad to. If you have good friends who are considering it down the line, and you can swing it financially, hopefully that opened up your mind a bit. I sure as hell needed it :).

[Young Drachma]

This is an interesting spawn of this conversation related to having someone who has similar interests or whatever. I used to always think this was pretty important to have someone with an alignment of similar issues, but these days, think similar values and an ability to communicate is more important and desire to at least engage on the stuff we can maybe find some common ground is better.

But I used to be way in the other camp of "ideally having mutual interests" thing until fairly recently.

[ISiddiqui]

I approve of this threadjack (GF and I are relatively good these days, even if she doesn't understand why I was upset and she got upset by other things - oh these strange things called women)

[Galaxy]

I approve of this threadjack (GF and I are relatively good these days, even if she doesn't understand why I was upset and she got upset by other things - oh these strange things called women)

The threadjacks of the subjects in this thread-involving the relevance and ticket sales of Lady Gaga-are awesome.