Need some advice on a pretty serious issue

[Toddzilla]

Today at work my co-worker (female, divorced) told me that her ex-husband is sexually abusing her son. They share custody and in each of the last 4 times thee son comes back from his father, he's very quiet and emotional, he's got physical injuries on his genitals and anus, and he told his mom he doesn't want to tell anyone because if he does he's going to get killed. To make this worse, the ex-husband is a former cop and is very buddy-buddy with the police in her county. She's contacted the police and taken the kid to the ER but nothing further happened (the police took her statement, called the ex-husband and warned him allegations were incoming) CPS hasn't returned any phone calls.

What do I do? I'm going to get involved, I've made up my mind, but I dont know what to do.

[Flasch186]

get a gun first and foremost.

/holy shit

Son obviously cant go over there any more.

/holy shit

Maybe go to the district attorney's office and avoid going to the police? She talks to the DA...

[JonInMiddleGA]

Lots of possibilities come to mind.

Depending upon the state & jurisdiction(s), a call to the state police (due to the relationship & concerns about the local authorities) isn't unimaginable.

A call to child protective services

A call to an attorney

A call to the state's child advocate (if there is such a thing)

A call to the judge/office who handled the custody determination

Unfortunately, most of those will be primarily effective coming from her rather than from you.

I'd say your best purpose might be to try to help her find as many useful options & avenues as possible.

[molson]

CPS hasn't returned any phone calls.



Fairfax County Child Protective Services doesn't answer their phone? (Is that the county we're talking about?) I find that odd. You should call yourself and let them know what you know. 703-324-7400.

Child Sexual Abuse*- Fairfax County, Virginia (http://www.fairfaxcounty.gov/dfs/childrenyouth/childsexabuse.htm)

I don't know anything about your co-worker obviously, but there can be dynamics here beyond her control that can that prevent her from being completely upfront and accurate about the steps she's taken.

Edit: That phone number I gave you is associated with this group, the Children's Advocacy Center of Fairfax County. I used to work with a very similar organization. The idea is to have one, central organization that helps with all aspects of sexual and domestic abuse, from criminal investigation and prosecution to treatment and other services, so a victim and their family can have one contact, one place to go, one place to tell their story, instead of having to have multiple contacts throughout that process. Again, without knowing anything about this case or your co-worker or this organization, it's very odd to me that they wouldn't answer their phone and that they would just blow off allegations like this. Even if investigators believe a case like this couldn't be proven (odd when there's documented physical injuries, but very common in other kinds of child abuse cases), the kid still needs some kind of treatment or at least evaluations to determine if treatment is necessary.

SafeSpot Children's Advocacy Center (http://www.safespotfairfax.org/)

[Logan]

One of my best friends is a Fairfax County cop and is the father of two young boys. I know some of his cop friends as well. Knowing them, and knowing how my buddy is protective of his kids, I'd be shocked if there is some kind of massive conspiracy going on that would allow for a former cop to get away with sexually abusing his own child. My friend has told me stories about cops reporting other cops to IA for the dumbest shit imaginable.

It's not to say that something you're being told isn't true, but I say all this to try and convince you and your friend not to give up on anything for fear of being stonewalled.

[Toddzilla]

She doesn't live in Fairfax (ske lives in Manassas, Prince Wm County). I know first hand (unfortunately) that Fairfax CPS is *great* and maybe that is my best option to get the ball rolling.

[albionmoonlight]

Child abuse is not a federal crime.

But Child Pornography is. If she can ask the kid if he took pictures or showed him pictures (both common in abuse cases), then she/you can take that to the FBI and get the feds involved.

[Edward64]

I would be concerned about getting too involved as the character sounds unstable.

I would talk with co-worker and help her and son get out of town first into a safe place or help group. Then ask her to start calling nos. above (or others) to see what can be done.

There's something off about the story -- contacting the police and the ER and no one willing to help doesn't sound right to me.

[BillJasper]

Today at work my co-worker (female, divorced) told me that her ex-husband is sexually abusing her son. They share custody and in each of the last 4 times thee son comes back from his father, he's very quiet and emotional, he's got physical injuries on his genitals and anus, and he told his mom he doesn't want to tell anyone because if he does he's going to get killed. To make this worse, the ex-husband is a former cop and is very buddy-buddy with the police in her county. She's contacted the police and taken the kid to the ER but nothing further happened (the police took her statement, called the ex-husband and warned him allegations were incoming) CPS hasn't returned any phone calls.

What do I do? I'm going to get involved, I've made up my mind, but I dont know what to do.

I hate to be that guy but: are you sure she isn't doing this for some kind of perverse shits and giggles? It sounds almost like something that comes from a commercial/after school special on sex abuse.

[stevew]

Are you 1000% sure the mom isn't crazy? Story seems odd.

[Marc Vaughan]

If true then do as much as possible and throw the guy to the wolves ... but I find it hard to believe if there was obvious evidence that an inspection at ER wouldn't have lead to charges and a much larger investigation (including that of the mother).

[Ben E Lou]

There's something off about the story -- contacting the police and the ER and no one willing to help doesn't sound right to me.This. My guess is that you're not getting the whole truth.

[Ben E Lou]

Dola:

That doesn't mean that you do nothing. I'd call CPS and tell them what you've been told.

[Lathum]

I know a girl from PA, her boyfriend was acccused of sexually assaulting his son by his crazy vindictive ex wife. Just the accusation led to him not seeing the kid for 4 months while CPS investigated. I find it hard to believe no one has taken this seriously.

[Barkeep49]

I have no experience in Virginia but based on my experience in IL I too find it hard to believe that no one is taking this seriously. In fact if someone told me what your co-worker told you I have a legal obligation to report it and the agency I report it to has a legal obligation to investigate it. Now obviously VA is different in legal terms here, but I join the chorus of people who say that you should report it, as you're doing so in good faith.

[Coffee Warlord]

If she really took the kid to the ER with those kinds of injuries, no fucking WAY do they not take action.

I had to take my son at 3 to the ER for a little gash to the head (ie nothing even remotely as horrifying), and even then, you could easily tell they were making sure it was an accident and not an abusive situation.

edit: HOWEVER, you should still call the police - if not local, call the state police. Despite the fact this sounds like mom is batshit crazy and making this up, just in case, a call to the cops to explain what you've been told cannot hurt.

[Logan]

I agree with others that it does sound shady. But if each of the last four times the son came back with these injuries, I'm surprised she would send the boy over for times 2, 3 and 4. And if she is worried about what would happen when she didn't, well that's when she should tell her ex-husband to call the courts or whoever handles the custody arrangement and you'll all have a discussion over why.

[stevew]

I agree with others that it does sound shady. But if each of the last four times the son came back with these injuries, I'm surprised she would send the boy over for times 2, 3 and 4. And if she is worried about what would happen when she didn't, well that's when she should tell her ex-husband to call the courts or whoever handles the custody arrangement and you'll all have a discussion over why.

Yeah....bingo

How do you just send your kid out to get raped?

[Desnudo]

I don't think you can make assumptions or judgements about a person's state of mind in these cases. I would report to child services first, not the police, if I were in your shoes.

[Logan]

I think it's possible that the "each of the 4 times" comment only applied to the son being quiet/emotional, and not the injuries, but Todd just wrote it a little oddly.

[Qwikshot]

Today at work my co-worker (female, divorced) told me that her ex-husband is sexually abusing her son. They share custody and in each of the last 4 times thee son comes back from his father, he's very quiet and emotional, he's got physical injuries on his genitals and anus, and he told his mom he doesn't want to tell anyone because if he does he's going to get killed. To make this worse, the ex-husband is a former cop and is very buddy-buddy with the police in her county. She's contacted the police and taken the kid to the ER but nothing further happened (the police took her statement, called the ex-husband and warned him allegations were incoming) CPS hasn't returned any phone calls.

What do I do? I'm going to get involved, I've made up my mind, but I dont know what to do.

It sounds shady, and it's unfair for it to be placed on you. However, they do have anonymous hotlines so that you could place a call to ease your mind without directly taking part.

You could also tell the woman that it sounds horrible but direct her to these numbers as well.

There is no way a doctor would ignore these signs.

[JonInMiddleGA]

fwiw ... the whole thing does sound "off".

I'm prone to questioning motive just about any time I hear a tale like this, basically from the minute I knew the couple was split. Ya'll know how pro-law enforcement I tend to be. I'm maybe the first person to throw up a flag on this based on all that.

And yet ... I've seen just enough screwed up situations, screwed up police departments, screwed up CPS-type agencies ... the entire thing sounds at least plausible to me.

What a hell of a mess of a situation :/

[Toddzilla]

After thinking hard about the situation and taking everything into consideration

(1) I completely agree it all sounds a little off - I didn't want to mention that initially and influence any reactions.
(2) Regardless, I'm not going to be the guy who could have done something but said nothing when horrible shit was going down I could have maybe prevented.

I called my county's CPS and reported what I knew. They were awesome - as expected - and said they would pass the information on to the people in PWC. I gave them my name and number and I should expect a call from PW CPS soon.

Meanwhile, co-worker is meeting with her private investigator today.

[finkenst]

She went to the ER? Uh, aren't the doctors required to report child abuse?

[flere-imsaho]

I had to take my son at 3 to the ER for a little gash to the head (ie nothing even remotely as horrifying), and even then, you could easily tell they were making sure it was an accident and not an abusive situation.

Same here. Age 3, hit head on side of bath (we went to Glenbrook Hospital, btw, CW). They thoroughly checked it out including asking him questions without us being able to respond.