Bring Me The Head of Bill Bidwill (An FOF2 Arizona Cardinals Anti-Dynasty)

[WussGawd]

OK, first of all, let's begin with credit where credit is due. I have read and loved Kodos' Bill Gates Challenge. For those of you familiar with his dynasty, my formula will seem very tried and true .

Kodos, I'm hopeful you won't mind my borrowing liberally from your, ahem, inspiration, and that you will consider my imitation to be the sincerest form of flattery.

It has been my desire to experiment with a second anti-dynasty, in addition to It Rhymes With Puke. I have to admit that it is part of my perverse nature that I am far more intrigued by riches to rags stories than the reverse. I figure straight up FOF dynasties have been done to death. Certainly, I've been able to build a winner with any team I've tried in any version of FOF. But to push the limits of the game...this is my goal.

But enough about the Why? of this dynasty. In the next post we'll explore the What.

[WussGawd]

Our story begins in 1964, when I was born, a rarity in those days, a Phoenix native (3/4 of the population over 20 here aren't natives). My earliest football memories were watching ASU Football from Sun Devil Stadium on Saturdays during the greatness of the Kush era, and sadly, watching Dallas Cowboys football on Sundays.

I still love the Sun Devils, but I hate Dallas, kind of an overexposure breeds contempt thing, more than anything.

Phoenix' efforts to win a football team have a checkered past. The first NFL Exhibition Game, in 1975, featured Minnesota and Denver. The Broncos have always had a strong following here, as well as the Raiders, and the previously mentioned Cowpies.

In 1974, a serious effort was made to lure one of the expansion teams that became Seattle and Tampa Bay to play in Sun Devil Stadium. It was shot down not by the NFL, but rather by the Arizona Board of Regents. For at the time, there was no political force among sports teams bigger than ASU Football under Frank Kush (ASU Football was a far bigger deal in the Valley in those days than the Phoenix Suns, for example), and Kush didn't want to have to share the turf (and the glory) with an NFL team...so the idea died, and the dream of pro football died with it for the moment. Ironically, Kush would coach the Colts in the early 80's before retiring.

In the mid-80's, in a space of three years, two different football teams came calling. The NFL wasn't expanding, but two different existing franchises were trying to extort stadium deals out of their existing cities. Bob Irsay used Phoenix and Baltimore to extort a sweetheart deal that ultimately allowed him to move to Indianapolis.

Similarly, Leonard Tose extorted money out of Philadelphia before selling the team to narrowly keep the Eagles in Philadelphia (negotiations were serious, at least on the Phoenix side).

Finally, from 1983-1985, a USFL Franchise was well supported here, despite the insanity of day games in June where the temp in the shade was 115 degrees.

Finally, in 1987, after bidding heavily against the cities of Charlotte (IIRC) and Columbus, Phoenix finally persuaded the Bidwills' move the St. Louis Cardinals to the Valley. At last, the prospect of pro football loomed brightly in the Valley.

Now, 16 years later, we're still waiting...

[WussGawd]

I'll admit it. I am not a Cardinals fan. I've tried to be in the past. Very hard. I had season tickets for the 1988 season. The team went 7-4. Neil Lomax busted his hip. The Cards lost 5 in a row, finished 7-9, and after charging the second highest ticket prices in the league in its inaugural season, rewarded it's average of 60,000 fans a game by raising prices 15% to the league's highest.

Now, I know that the Cubs fans, and Clippers fans (if there are any), and Bengal fans are going to say, so what...cry me a river.

The trouble with the Cardinals is that they aren't even lovable losers. They don't ever sink to the level of totally awful in the 1-15 Bengal sense of the word. They don't tease their fans like the Cubs, with late season collapses to fall just short of a pennant. They're just a continual 6-10, revolving door of coaches and players.

To give you an idea, here is a list of the quarterbacks (at least as many as I can remember) that have started at least one game for the Cruds since 1988:

Neil Lomax
Cliff Stoudt
Gary Hogeboom
Tom Tupa (yes, the punter)
Timm Rosenbach
Dave Krieg
Steve Beuerlein
Boomer Esiason
Dave Brown
Chris Chandler
Chris Griesen
Jim McMahon
Jake Plummer
Jay Schroeder

Yes, that's 14 QB's in 15 seasons (and I may have missed a couple).

Cards fans' through the years have suffered through the Buddy Ryan era, the Joe Bugel era, the Bill Tobin era.

Yet the one constant has always been the Bidwills, their slimy clutches have been around every unsigned free agent let go to another team...every stupid draft pick, every first round draft pick brought in three weeks late to camp, every player thrown away by the Cards who went on to star for someone else.

However, to disspell one myth straight-away, there is at least one rumor about the Bidwills that is untrue. Contrary to popular rumor, the Grand Canyon was not created when Bill Bidwill dropped a dime in a gopher hole in Northern Arizona. This is completely untrue! It was a quarter.

[Thomkal]

Best Dynasty title ever! :) I'm ashamed to say I've been a Cardinals fan since their St. Louis days, and their move to Arizona signaled their doom. Why you'd move from a city (for baseball at least) the players for the Cardinals love to play in for 100+ degrees in a desert with more Cowboy fans than Cardinal fans is beyond my feeble mindpower to explain. Just like I can't explain most of the Bidwell decisions in the Phoenix era.

So I am rooting for whatever pain and suffering you can bring to the Bidwells, even if it is fake. ;)

I'll be reading with much interest

[Kodos]

You have my blessing, Wussgawd. You're like the son I've never had. :)

[WussGawd]

Kodos, Thomkal, Thanks so much for the kind words. :D

[WussGawd]

OK, now on to our stated goal. Quite simply, it's to drive the Cardinals out of Arizona. I do this not out of simple greed or hatred. You must understand that I serve under holy orders.

For you see, the Bidwills are infidels. Bill Bidwill is the Anti-Elvis. I consider it my sacred duty to begin a jihad (or for the Christians out there, a crusade) to drive the Bidwills out of the holy lands of Sun Devil Stadium. Money and time are no objects.

Accordingly, I will use the following business plan to drive the Bidwills to El Lay, or some other suitable place of exile.

In an effort to destroy the Cardinals, I will use the following business plan:

1. I can't be fired (more on this in a moment).

2. Like Kodos, I will attack the Cardinals indirectly by purchasing another NFC East Team and moving them close enough to Phoenix to directly compete for entertainment dollars.

3. I will consistently undercut Cardinal ticket prices by 20% in an effort to garner fan loyalty.

4. I will, where practical, attract local talent from the University of Arizona, and my alma mater, Arizona State, in an effort to garner further fan loyalty.

5. I will compete head to head to sign the best free agents away from the Bidwills (not that the Bidwills ever resign their free agents anyway).

6. My team will outperform the Bidwills on the field, particularly head-to-head.

7. No house rules will be used. For you see, when one engages in jihad against infidels, one is not squeamish about the methods used in destroying them.

Anyway, on with the show.

[WussGawd]

Local businessman forms consortium to buy Cardinals

Arizona Repugnant


Wuss Gawd, a local businessman, and an alumnus of Arizona State University, and franchisee of numerous fast food restaurants in the state of Arizona, has formed a consortium of 100 business owners and corporate executives to buy the Arizona Cardinals, with himself as managing general partner.

When asked to comment on his plans, Gawd was coy, simply stating that it was his goal to finally bring professional football to the Valley.

When asked to comment on rumors that the team's sale was imminent, Cardinals President MIchael Bidwill declined to speak, but instead made a series of vigorous nods and grunts.

[WussGawd]

Cardinals rebuff ownership group on intentions of buying the Cardinals

Arizona Repugnant


Talks have broken down between the ownership group headed by Wuss Gawd, a prominent Valley businessman and the Bidwills over Wuss Gawd's stated purpose of buying the Cardinals.

When asked to comment on why the talks broke down, Mr. Gawd stated simply. "Gee, I think it all started to fall apart when they began the negotiations by saying they wouldn't sell the family business to anybody for any price."

[WussGawd]

Wuss Gawd plays Don Quixote to Bill Bidwill's Windmills

Tribune Newspapers Sunday Edition

by Ed Greenwald, Tribune Sports Editor

Who is this Wuss Gawd, and why is he so fiercely determined to buy the Cardinals? This reporter sat down with Mr. Gawd last week, and spoke on a variety of topics:

Ed Greenwald: You kind of came out of nowhere to make this bid for the Cardinals. What led you to make the move at this particular time.

Wuss Gawd: Good question, Ed. Frankly, I'm tired of seeing crappy football on Sundays. I'm an NFL fan. I've been a follower of the NFL since I was six. I want to see a winning team here. I want to have a team that inspires civic pride, and gives the citizens of this city something to rally around. And most of all, I'm tired of losing. Now, after 11 years in the Valley, just seemed right.

EG: Mr. Gawd.

WG: Call me Wuss, please.

EG: All right, Wuss. The Bidwills have declined to sell. Where do you go from here? The Bidwills broke off negotiations, and from our sources, they were never were serious about selling the team in the first place. What do you do now?

WG: Ed, it's a minor setback, that's all. I did not believe, going in, that the Bidwills would sell the team. I approached them to give them an easy way out. I'm not surprised that they declined, and actually, I'm rather pleased.

EG: (Confused). You're pleased?

WG: This battle isn't over, in fact, it's barely begun. When I approached my fellow business owners here in the Valley, and a number in Tucson as well, I came with one stated goal. That goal was to drive the Bidwills out of the Valley.

It wasn't I, but rather some of my more moderate team owners who suggested we start by trying to buy the franchise. The rest of us were willing to start with Plan B, and didn't want the Cardinals here in any case.

EG: But I'm not sure how you plan to drive an NFL team out of Phoenix. What are your intentions?

WG: Ed, I'm not comfortable revealing the extent of my plans to the press at this time. What I'd like to say, to the football fans in the Valley, is that I haven't given up, and will not give up until the Cardinals are sent packing. That hasn't, and won't changed.

[WussGawd]

Originally posted by Thomkal
Best Dynasty title ever! :) I'm ashamed to say I've been a Cardinals fan since their St. Louis days, and their move to Arizona signaled their doom. Why you'd move from a city (for baseball at least) the players for the Cardinals love to play in for 100+ degrees in a desert with more Cowboy fans than Cardinal fans is beyond my feeble mindpower to explain. Just like I can't explain most of the Bidwell decisions in the Phoenix era.

So I am rooting for whatever pain and suffering you can bring to the Bidwells, even if it is fake. ;)

I'll be reading with much interest

Well, I empathise with you to some extent on losing your team to Phoenix (though I'd trade the Cardinals for the Rams anytime your willing, and might even throw another team in the bargain as well), but I think Phoenix has a chance to be a legitimate NFL city, if the ownership had any sort of clue.

Why do I think this? Arizona State plays a lot of Saturday afternoon games, and typically run about 2nd or 3rd in the Pac 10 in attendance. Clearly, this means that the temperatures are a lot less of a deterrent to attendance than the Cardinals' usual blend of gawd-awful public relations and bad football.

The Phoenix Suns have been well supported for years. They were impacted a bit by the strike, but they ran about a decade of straight sellouts, something few NBA cities can boast.

The Phoenix Coyotes are well supported, despite playing in the worst arena in the NHL (and frankly, one that is put to shame for hockey by several minor league arenas).

The Arizona Diamondbacks have been among the Top 10 in MLB attendance since their inception.

To sum up, the Phoenix area is large enough to support, and deserves an NFL franchise. But nobody should have to endure the Bidwills. :)

[WussGawd]

OK. Who to buy. I want it to be an NFC East team, because I want to trash the Cruds twice a season at a minimum. So this basically means the Eagles, R******s, Giants, and Cowboys.

As a part Native American, I can't even bring myself to type R******s, let alone buy them. Why doesn't the NFL just come up with a few other nicknames as perjorative and stop kidding itself. I'm betting the new franchise in LA would go over well if it were called the Sp*cs or W**b*cks. Atlanta could rename the Falcons the Honkys. A team in St. Louis called the N***ers would be a big hit, I'm betting. And I'm sure that all the wonderful fans of Italian ancestry in South Philly would appreciate it if the Eagles were renamed the W*ps.

Speaking of South Philly, I can't imagine buying the Eagles. I mean these guys threw snowballs at Santa Claus, for heaven's sakes. They'd probably kill me before I got out of the Vet.

The Giants? Naw, hell has no wrath as fierce as a New Yorker scorned.

So that leaves...intriguing. I've always hated the Cowboys. Why actually, I have a chance to kill two birds with one strategically placed grenade. I can take the Cowboys, and move them to Arizona to compete head to head with the Crudinals. This will anger the Cowboys fans whom I despise, and enable me to destroy the Crudinals.

Yes, it's perfect. Must get started on this immediately.

[StanGunner]

YES!!

[Kodos]

Originally posted by WussGawd

So that leaves...intriguing. I've always hated the Cowboys. Why actually, I have a chance to kill two birds with one strategically placed grenade. I can take the Cowboys, and move them to Arizona to compete head to head with the Crudinals. This will anger the Cowboys fans whom I despise, and enable me to destroy the Crudinals.

Yes, it's perfect. Must get started on this immediately.

A man after my own heart. God bless you! Or, should I say, Gawd bless you!

[WussGawd]

Phoenix area ownership group approaches Jerry Jones to buy Cowboys


Dallas Morning Fishwrap

Jerry Jones has apparently received a bid from a consortium of Phoenix area business owners led by the mysterious Wuss Gawd. Team officials have variously described the amount of the offer as "extremely lucrative", or as one official put it more colorfully, "these Phoenix guys are (extremely colorful expletive deleted) nuts."

Team officials have declined to speak on the subject of how seriously they are taking the offer, but state only that negotiations are continuing.

[WussGawd]

July 28, 1999

Dallas Cowboys sold to Phoenix area ownership group for $1.1 Billion dollars.

Dallas Morning Fishwrap

A group of Phoenix area businessmen, led by the mysterious Wuss Gawd, have received league permission to purchase the Dallas Cowboys for $1.1 Billion.

When asked for information about his intentions for the franchise, Wuss Gawd stated the following: "The Dallas Cowboys are, in many ways, along with the Chicago Bears and Green Bay Packers, one of the most storied franchises in the NFL. Our intentions are to keep the Cowboys in Dallas and to continue to provide Dallas fans with the sort of team they so richly deserve."

When pressed further on the details of his plans, Wuss Gawd declined to comment.

[WussGawd]

OK. We've bought the team, Phase One is complete. Phase Two is to so alienate the existing fan base that when I push for a new stadium deal (without kicking in a dime of my own cash), they'll vote it down so quick their heads will spin.

You've probably all seen the 1999 Dallas Roster before, but just for fun, here goes:

<pre>
Front Office Football from Solecismic Software
From the desk of Mel Moss of the Dallas Cowboys

Position/Player Current Est Future Est Exp Sgnd
QB Troy Aikman 15 14 11 2002
QB Jason Garrett 10 13 7 2000
QB Mike Quinn 1 0 3 1999
RB Emmitt Smith 14 14 10 2004
RB Chris Warren 9 9 10 2001
RB Sherman Williams 8 9 5 1999
FB Daryl Johnston 13 13 11 2002
FB Nicky Sualua 2 1 3 2000
TE Eric Bjornson 9 9 5 2000
TE David LaFleur 9 10 3 2002
TE Mike Lucky 3 5 1 2000
WR Michael Irvin 14 14 12 2000
WR Raghib Ismail 12 12 7 1999
WR Ernie Mills 12 13 9 1999
WR Jeff Ogden 5 7 2 2000
WR Wane McGarity 5 9 1 2001
WR Martay Jenkins 3 3 1 2001
C Mark Stepnoski 11 10 11 1999
C Jim Sweeney 11 11 16 1999
C Mike Kiselak 9 18 2 1999
G Larry Allen 19 19 6 2004
G Everett McIver 12 11 6 2003
G Will Wolford 14 14 14 1999
T Dale Hellestrae 5 4 13 1999
T Tony Hutson 9 18 3 2000
T Erik Williams 13 13 9 2002
T Flozell Adams 10 17 2 2002
T Solomon Page 6 11 1 2002
P Toby Gowin 9 10 3 1999
K Richie Cunningham 11 11 3 1999
DE Kavika Pittman 9 9 4 2000
DE Greg Ellis 8 14 2 2004
DE Ebenezer Ekuban 7 19 1 2003
DE Peppi Zellner 3 8 1 2001
DT Chad Hennings 9 11 8 2002
DT Leon Lett 14 15 9 2001
DT Michael Myers 6 11 2 2001
LB Dexter Coakley 15 15 3 2000
LB Quentin Coryatt 1 1 8 1999
LB Randall Godfrey 11 11 4 1999
LB Darren Hambrick 0 0 2 2001
LB Robert Thomas 0 0 2 1999
LB Dat Nguyen 6 11 1 2001
CB Kevin Mathis 9 12 3 2000
CB Anthony Parker 11 11 10 1999
CB Deion Sanders 13 13 11 2002
CB Kevin Smith 9 8 8 2004
CB Kenny Wheaton 9 15 3 2000
S Omar Stoutmire 5 5 3 2000
S George Teague 7 6 7 2000
S Charlie Williams 7 9 5 2000
S Darren Woodson 11 9 8 2002
S Izell Reese 2 4 2 2001

Key: Current Est - Current Estimate of skills,
Future Est - Estimate of future skills,
Exp - Years of experience, Sgnd - Last year of contract
(UFA - free agent, ---- - no contract)
</pre>

OK. I'll admit it. I can't stand the Cowboys. They make me want to vomit. I hate their fans, their uniforms, their stadium, their previous owner, heck, I even hate their players and coaches. I even hate the poor slob who schleps peanuts in the upper decks of Texas Stadium.

Where am I going with this? I will be ridding myself of every person on this roster as quickly as possible. I will re-sign none of them, and I will deal the ones I can as I get the chance. My hopes are by the time we get to Arizona, none of these players and coaches will be on the payroll. I'll mainly trade them for picks, as I have no desire for this team to be good as long as a stadium deal in Dallas hangs in the balance.

So, let's see how much of this team we can tear apart right now.

[WussGawd]

August 1, 1999

Raghib Ismail Traded to R******s

Dallas Morning Fishwrap

In the team's first move since their purchase by an ownership group led by WussGawd, Raghib "The Rocket" Ismail has been traded to Washington for the R******s 1st & 3rd Round picks in the 2002 NFL Draft.

In the press conference announcing the move, WussGawd stated"This trade is part of our plan to get younger and tougher and keep the Cowboys competitive into the 21st Century."

[WussGawd]

August 2, 1999

Ernie Mills and Randally Godfrey Traded to Eagles

Dallas Morning Fishwrap

The Dallas Cowboys have traded Wide Receiver Ernie Mills and Likebacker Randall Godfrey to the Philadelphia Eagles for the Eagles' 2nd Round picks in the 2001 & 2002 Drafts.

"This move again will make us younger and better into the next century." quipped Wuss Gawd at the regular news conference where the move was announced.

[WussGawd]

August 3, 1999

Richie Cunningham Traded to Cleveland Browns

Dallas Morning Fishwrap

Placekicker Richie Cunningham has been traded to the Cleveland Browns for a 7th Round Draft Pick in the 2001 NFL Draft.

When asked for his reason in trading a veteran kicker like Cunningham, WussGawd replied mysteriously. "You know, I never understood why the guy left Happy Days to direct a string of crappy movies like Willow, Backdraft and Far & Away. I mean, this guy destroyed an American institution in Dr. Seuss with that crappy Jim Carrey adaptation.

I might also point out that his leaving Happy Days ultimately led to the worst crime against humanity since the Holocaust. I refer, of course, to the atrocity known as Joanie Loves Chachi, for Scott Baio is the anti-Christ. For this reason alone, I could never, ever pay money to Richie Cunningham."

When it was pointed out that the person he was referring to was actually actor/director Ron Howard, who played a character called Richie Cunningham in the 70's sitcom Happy Days, Mr. Gawd replied. "Whoops. Oh well, too late to do anything about it now, I suppose."

[WussGawd]

August 4, 1999

Mike Kiselak Traded to Lions

Dallas Morning Fishwrap

Backup Center Mike Kiselak has been traded to the Detroit Lions for the Lions 2nd Round Pick in the 2001 NFL Draft.

When asked for his reasons in trading the promising young lineman, Managing General Partner Wuss Gawd replied. "He's ugly, and his mother dresses him funny."

[WussGawd]

August 6, 1999

Cowboys Trade backup RB Sherman Williams to Tampa Bay

Dallas Morning Fishwrap


The Dallas Cowboys have traded backup running back Sherman Williams to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers for the Bucs' second round pick in the 2000 NFL Draft.

When asked to comment on the trade, Wuss Gawd quipped. "I always preferred Glidden myself."

[WussGawd]

August 8, 1999

Cowboys release Dale Hellestrae

Dallas Morning Fishwrap

The Dallas Cowboys released Dale Hellestrae today.

These are not all the transactions that I've made (I've been signing free agents to fill the spots from the folks I've already cut, for example). These are merely the current Cowboys I'm trying to get rid of.

[WussGawd]

Somebody Else's 1999 Dallas Cowpies

<pre>
Front Office Football from Solecismic Software
From the desk of Mel Moss of the Dallas Cowboys

Position/Player Current Est Future Est Exp Sgnd
QB Troy Aikman 15 14 11 2002
QB Jason Garrett 10 13 7 2000
QB Mike Quinn 1 0 3 1999
RB Terry Allen 11 10 8 1999
RB Emmitt Smith 14 14 10 2004
RB Chris Warren 9 9 10 2001
FB Donnell Bennett 6 6 6 1999
FB Daryl Johnston 13 13 11 2002
TE Eric Bjornson 9 9 5 2000
TE David LaFleur 9 10 3 2002
TE Mike Lucky 3 5 1 2000
WR Willie Davis 12 12 9 1999
WR Michael Irvin 14 14 12 2000
WR Tony Martin 12 12 10 1999
WR Jeff Ogden 5 7 2 2000
WR Wane McGarity 5 9 1 2001
WR Martay Jenkins 3 3 1 2001
C Adam Shreiber 8 9 16 1999
C Mark Stepnoski 11 10 11 1999
C Jim Sweeney 11 11 16 1999
G Larry Allen 19 19 6 2004
G Everett McIver 12 11 6 2003
G Will Wolford 14 14 14 1999
T Tony Hutson 9 18 3 2000
T Erik Williams 13 13 9 2002
T Flozell Adams 10 17 2 2002
T Richard Cooper 11 11 10 1999
T Solomon Page 6 11 1 2002
P Toby Gowin 9 10 3 1999
K Kris Brown 10 12 1 1999
DE Kavika Pittman 9 9 4 2000
DE Greg Ellis 8 14 2 2004
DE Ebenezer Ekuban 7 19 1 2003
DE Peppi Zellner 3 8 1 2001
DT Chad Hennings 9 11 8 2002
DT Leon Lett 14 15 9 2001
DT Michael Myers 6 11 2 2001
LB Dexter Coakley 15 15 3 2000
LB Quentin Coryatt 1 1 8 1999
LB Lamar Lathon 16 16 10 1999
LB Wayne Simmons 14 14 7 1999
LB Darren Hambrick 0 0 2 2001
LB Dat Nguyen 6 11 1 2001
CB Kevin Mathis 9 12 3 2000
CB Anthony Parker 11 11 10 1999
CB Deion Sanders 13 13 11 2002
CB Kevin Smith 9 8 8 2004
CB Kenny Wheaton 9 15 3 2000
S Omar Stoutmire 5 5 3 2000
S George Teague 7 6 7 2000
S Charlie Williams 7 9 5 2000
S Darren Woodson 11 9 8 2002
S Izell Reese 2 4 2 2001

Key: Current Est - Current Estimate of skills,
Future Est - Estimate of future skills,
Exp - Years of experience, Sgnd - Last year of contract
(UFA - free agent, ---- - no contract)
</pre>

[WussGawd]

1999 NFL Season Recap

OK. We'll just quick sim the first season to try to get this over with as quick as possible, so that we can get to the real meat of this, getting the team moved to Arizona.

Dallas finished 3-1 in the preseason, much to my chagrin.

Dallas beat Arizona 40-14 in Week 4. Forgot to save the Game Log (I updated Options to avoid that mistake again).

In Week 11, Arizona upends Dallas 27-14 to even the season at 1-1. I won't be tracing or even caring about these games though until I know the move is secured.


<pre>
Front Office Football from Solecismic Software
1999 Regular Season Standings

AC East W L T Pct PF PA Div Conf
New England 11 5 0 .688 453 310 8-0-0 10-2-0
Miami 10 6 0 .625 355 292 5-3-0 7-5-0
New Jersey 8 8 0 .500 337 306 3-5-0 6-6-0
Indianapolis 7 9 0 .438 336 417 3-5-0 5-7-0
Buffalo 6 10 0 .375 333 354 1-7-0 4-8-0

AC Central W L T Pct PF PA Div Conf
Tennessee 9 7 0 .563 330 294 8-2-0 8-4-0
Cincinnati 9 7 0 .563 357 344 7-3-0 8-5-0
Jacksonville 9 7 0 .563 356 270 5-5-0 6-6-0
Cleveland 7 9 0 .438 342 404 4-6-0 5-8-0
Baltimore 7 9 0 .438 324 388 4-6-0 5-8-0
Pittsburgh 7 9 0 .438 315 300 2-8-0 4-9-0

AC West W L T Pct PF PA Div Conf
Kansas City 12 4 0 .750 389 307 7-1-0 10-2-0
Denver 7 9 0 .438 354 304 5-3-0 7-5-0
Seattle 7 9 0 .438 276 365 3-5-0 5-7-0
Oakland 7 9 0 .438 308 365 2-6-0 4-8-0
San Diego 6 10 0 .375 307 404 3-5-0 4-8-0

NC East W L T Pct PF PA Div Conf
**Dallas 10 6 0 .625 409 365 5-3-0 8-4-0
Arizona 9 7 0 .563 339 368 7-1-0 7-5-0
Washington 9 7 0 .563 357 339 5-3-0 8-4-0
New York 8 8 0 .500 384 323 2-6-0 5-7-0
Philadelphia 4 12 0 .250 241 408 1-7-0 2-10-0

NC Central W L T Pct PF PA Div Conf
Green Bay 10 6 0 .625 337 335 6-2-0 8-4-0
Minnesota 10 6 0 .625 468 361 5-3-0 7-5-0
Detroit 8 8 0 .500 305 321 4-4-0 7-5-0
Chicago 7 9 0 .438 327 349 3-5-0 5-7-0
Tampa Bay 7 9 0 .438 330 354 2-6-0 4-8-0

NC West W L T Pct PF PA Div Conf
Atlanta 10 6 0 .625 388 313 5-3-0 8-4-0
St. Louis 9 7 0 .563 346 288 7-1-0 8-4-0
Carolina 6 10 0 .375 308 329 3-5-0 5-7-0
New Orleans 6 10 0 .375 359 460 3-5-0 4-8-0
San Francisco 6 10 0 .375 341 374 2-6-0 4-8-0
</pre>

Yes, Arizona gets a wild card, while Dallas locks up the division. Arizona actually led the NFC East most of the season, but dropped their last two games to fall out of first place. Dallas had actually been as far down as fourth, but rallied to win the crown in the last few weeks.

Here's the season results for Dallas:

<pre>
Front Office Football from Solecismic Software
Dallas Cowboys

1999 Regular Season Schedule

65,700

Week Opponent Result Attend No-Shows
Week 1 Washington Redskins W, 29-26 75,600 0
Week 2 ATLANTA FALCONS L, 24-31 63,900 1,200
Week 3 OPEN
Week 4 ARIZONA CARDINALS W, 40-14 62,000 3,800
Week 5 Philadelphia Eagles W, 24-22 64,600 3,900
Week 6 New York Giants L, 6-14 76,800 0
Week 7 WASHINGTON REDSKINS L, 24-28 63,300 1,200
Week 8 Indianapolis Colts L, 28-34 53,700 1,000
Week 9 Minnesota Vikings W, 44-14 55,200 1,000
Week 10 GREEN BAY PACKERS W, 21-16 63,900 1,900
Week 11 Arizona Cardinals L, 14-27 52,700 5,100
Week 12 MIAMI DOLPHNIS W, 30-10 64,800 2,500
Week 13 New England Patriots L, 12-34 48,800 400
Week 14 PHILADELPHIA EAGLES W, 33-30 61,400 0
Week 15 NEW JERSEY JETS W, 27-24 64,800 600
Week 16 New Orleans Saints W, 29-20 61,000 600
Week 17 NEW YORK GIANTS W, 24-21 64,800 2,500
</pre>

and for Arizona:

<pre>
Front Office Football from Solecismic Software
Arizona Cardinals

1999 Regular Season Schedule

73,300

Week Opponent Result Attend No-Shows
Week 1 Philadelphia Eagles W, 34-6 64,600 1,900
Week 2 Miami Dolphnis L, 23-31 71,400 2,200
Week 3 SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS L, 23-48 46,100 2,500
Week 4 Dallas Cowboys L, 14-40 62,000 3,800
Week 5 NEW YORK GIANTS W, 27-14 46,800 3,500
Week 6 WASHINGTON REDSKINS W, 22-20 48,300 4,100
Week 7 OPEN
Week 8 NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS W, 28-27 47,600 5,600
Week 9 New Jersey Jets L, 7-27 66,900 1,300
Week 10 DETROIT LIONS L, 17-23 43,800 2,500
Week 11 DALLAS COWBOYS W, 27-14 52,700 5,100
Week 12 New York Giants W, 13-7 76,800 2,300
Week 13 PHILADELPHIA EAGLES W, 16-7 47,600 4,100
Week 14 Washington Redskins W, 31-21 77,300 2,300
Week 15 BUFFALO BILLS W, 31-28 55,600 4,100
Week 16 Atlanta Falcons L, 16-41 53,100 1,400
Week 17 Green Bay Packers L, 10-14 60,800 1,200
</pre>

Finally, a quick look at playoff scores:

Wild Card Round:
Green Bay 28, Arizona 17
Minnesota 30, St. Louis 23
Cincinnati 24, Miami 21
Tennessee 24, Jacksonville 7

Divisional Round:
Minnesota 44, Atlanta 41
Green Bay 37, Dallas 17
Cincinnati 38, Kansas City 28
New England 37, Tennessee 22

Championship Games:
New England 52, Cincinnati 7
Green Bay 29, Minnesota 14

Super Bowl:
New England 38, Green Bay 9

I was relieved to see Dallas lose in the first round. A win wouldn't have enhanced our chances of getting a stadium voted down. Actually, looking at our fan support, I may want to wait a year before submitting a proposal. More on that in a second.

[WussGawd]

February 22, 2000

Cowboys Trade LaFleur to Eagles

Dallas Morning Fishwrap

The Dallas Cowboys have traded tight end David LaFleur for the Philadelphia Eagles third-round pick in the 2002 NFL draft.

[Kodos]

Have you considered changing positions for Aikman, Smith, and Irvin? ;) Troy has always wanted to play left guard I hear.

[WussGawd]

Originally posted by Kodos
Have you considered changing positions for Aikman, Smith, and Irvin? ;) Troy has always wanted to play left guard I hear.

Hmm. Now there's a thought. Troy could play left tackle. Michael could play, um, outside linebacker, and Emmitt could play defensive end. There's a thought. I'll get right on it. :)

[WussGawd]

2000: The Second Season, Coming Up Next.

[WussGawd]

March 2, 2000

For Immediate Release:

Dallas TBAs Training Facility
Irving, TX

The Dallas TBAs are proud to announce the change of the franchise nickname from Cowboys to This Space For Rent, or more informally, the TBAs.

Team President/Owner Wuss Gawd states. "There is no reason for it to be a secret any longer. It is my intention to change this team from top to bottom. Part of that change is a new image. The famed blue star on our helmets will now be a question mark. We will be making this change immediately."

"I'd also like to announce, to those would be sponsors out there in corporate America, that we will be happy to name America's Team after your favorite product. For the right price, we will nickname the team after your product, and sport your logo on the side of our helmets for as long as we play football in the Metroplex."

[WussGawd]

Gee, that was fun wasn't it. I'm thinking we'll temporarily name the TBAs after a company or product. Feel free to throw a few names in the ring, and I'll put together a poll in the next day or so.

Now on to the between season administrivia.

Stadium Proposal:

Frankly, the fan support for the team and the the support for a new stadium is just a bit much for me to seriously contemplate submitting a stadium proposal at this time. I think I'll take the Kodos route and just start trading these guys one at a time until they're all gone. We'll start with the Aikman/Smith/Irvin triplets and work our way down. That should put me in good with the voters come 2001.

Franchise Tag:

Since our first goal is to get rid of everybody on the 1999 Dallas roster as quickly as possible, we won't be tagging anybody, sorry.

Ticket Prices:

Hmm. How to alienate the fans. Ticket prices, of course. Stated briefly, here is the new TBAs ticket policy. We will take the highest price among the other 31 teams in the league and double it. This will go on for however long we remain in Dallas.

That should put us in good with the fans.

Accordingly, here are the ticket prices for the 2000 Season:

Upper Deck: $76 (San Diego $38)
End Zone: $88 (San Diego $44)
Mezzanine: $110 (Miami & San Diego $55)
Sidelines: $198 (Washington $99)
Seat Licenses: $6000 (Carolina $3000)
Club Seats: No Club Seats in Texas Stadium at this time
Luxury Boxes: $278,000 (Philadelphia $139,000)

And with that, enough of this dry stuff, let's get on to free agency.

[WussGawd]

2000 Free Agency:

I'm greeted immediately by two trade offers.

I eagerly trade Darren Woodson to Tampa for a 4th round pick in the draft.

Similarly, the Chiefs make a similar offer for tight end David LaFleur. What can I say, I'm in a giving mood, and happily take the Chiefs 4th Round Draft Pick.

Since nobody who is currently a free agent is somebody I want to sign (no 1999 Dallas players, per house rules), I happily let the free agency period go bye without making a move.

Let's move on to the draft, shall we?

[Ragone]

Dallas Viagra's!

They are trying hard for your support!

Dallas Police(Well hell, the cowboys have done more for the city of dallas and the pd then anyone else in the state)

[Godzilla Blitz]

Originally posted by WussGawd
Hmm. Now there's a thought. Troy could play left tackle. Michael could play, um, outside linebacker, and Emmitt could play defensive end. There's a thought. I'll get right on it. :)

Don't defensive linemen get hurt the most in FOF2? Maybe Troy would be happier playing DT beside Emmitt?

Dallas Viagra is a nice idea!

I bet these other coporate sponsors would love the chance to name a team...

Dallas Depends
Dallas Geritol
Dallas Trojan Condoms
Dallas Draino
Dallas Toto Toilets
Dallas Ed's Hardware Store

Great stuff, by the way! Good luck!

[Kodos]

The Dallas Gas-Ex, who play in The Tidy Cat Scoopable Litter Bowl.

[WussGawd]

Originally posted by Kodos
The Dallas Gas-Ex, who play in The Tidy Cat Scoopable Litter Bowl.

ROFL.

A few of my own just for fun:

Dallas Sid's Bail Bonds (seems appropriate with a team like the Cowpies)
Dallas 12th Street Pawn
Dallas Tampax Tampons
Dallas Massengill Douches
Dallas Nabisco Shredded Wheat
Dallas Hostess Cupcakes

I'm seeing a poll here with some of the ones I judge the best.

[WussGawd]

Originally posted by Godzilla Blitz
Don't defensive linemen get hurt the most in FOF2? Maybe Troy would be happier playing DT beside Emmitt?

Dallas Viagra is a nice idea!

I bet these other coporate sponsors would love the chance to name a team...

Dallas Depends
Dallas Geritol
Dallas Trojan Condoms
Dallas Draino
Dallas Toto Toilets
Dallas Ed's Hardware Store

Great stuff, by the way! Good luck!

Cool. I particularly like the Depends. :)

Thanks for the kind words, GB. :)

[WussGawd]

Hey folks, the poll with the six arbitrarily picked finalists is up in the Dynasty Polls forum. Make your vote count!

[WussGawd]

Dallas franchise renamed Dallas Sid's Bail Bonds

April 8, 2000

Dallas (AP): Wuss Gawd, GM/President/Managing General Partner of the Dallas NFL Franchise has announced the team's nickname will be the Dallas Sid's Bail Bonds. Sid's Bail Bonds, a nationally franchisor of bail bonds locations, has agreed to a 3 year, $8 Million deal for the exclusive naming rights to the team as well as Sid's Bail Bonds Stadium.

During questions from the press conference to announce the move, Wuss Gawd reflected on the name change and what it would mean to the team. "What is the first thing you thought of in recent years when you thought of the Cowboys?"

"No, I mean besides crack houses, self-employed models, and wide receivers stabbing teammates with a pair of Fiskars. Right, jail time and court appearances. What better way to complete the tarnished image of America's Team than to rename the franchise after the nation's leader in bail bonds."

Outside the stadium, 3,000 fans, angered by a near-tripling of ticket prices as well as the move to wipe away the nickname of the franchise, offered differing opinions. Randy Brown of Plano, TX, offered the following. "This [expletive deleted]-ing [expletive] thinks he can just walk in here and tear down our franchise. Who the [expletive] does this [expletive] [expletive] think he [expletive] is? We won't stand for it, god [expletive] [expletive] him."

[WussGawd]

Front Office Football from Solecismic Software
From: Front Office Football
To: WussGawd
Subject: Post-Draft Report

Amateur Draft Report:

Rnd 1 - Marco McConnell, QB, Butler
Rnd 2 - Heath Burns, G, Virginia
Rnd 2 - Bert Douglas, K, UCLA
Rnd 3 - Ellis Ellard, C, Howard
Rnd 4 - Corey George, LB, Oklahoma State
Rnd 4 - Preston Bell, LB, Utah
Rnd 4 - Amos Hines, LB, South Florida
Rnd 5 - Gerald Irwin, G, Iowa State
Rnd 6 - Zack Bryson, RB, Nebraska - Omaha
Rnd 7 - Carlos Armstrong, TE, Duke

I also traded away two more players from the 1999 Roster, including DE Greg Ellis. I've made a couple of other moves, I traded, well, I'll let you read about it. :)

[WussGawd]

Transaction Wire, April 27, 2000

Dallas Cowboys:
S Omar Stoutmire traded for 2003 2nd Round pick from Washington Redskins
TE Eric Bjornson traded for 2003 7th Round pick from New Orleans Saints

Erik Williams Traded to Denver Broncos for a first round pick

Erik is listed by the game as a fan favorite (surprisingly, Emmitt and Michael Irvin aren't). In an effort to piss off the fans, I will immediately trade all fan favorites as soon as possible. Yes, that means Troy won't be wearing the new unis this year either. Oh, didn't I tell you, we'll be unveiling new uniforms this summer? :)

T Tony Hutson traded to Washington Redskins for 2003 First Round Pick.
DE Kavika Pittman traded to Carolina Panthers for 2003 2nd Round Pick.
LB Dexter Coakley traded to Tennessee Titans for 2003 1st Round pick.
CB Kevin Mathis traded to Seattle Seahawks for 2003 1st Round pick.
CB Kenny Wheaton traded to Pittsburgh Steelers for 2003 1st Round pick.

These are basically all guys who are free agents at the end of the year. In a normal world, I'd have resigned most of them. But since I will not resign anybody who was on the Dallas roster last season, I figured it better to trade them and get something rather than let them go for nothing at the end of the year.

[WussGawd]

Michael Irvin traded to Detroit Lions

Dallas (AP)- The Dallas Sids Bail Bonds have traded Michael Irvin to the Detroit Lions for a used team bus and a waterboy with a double hernia. Irvin would have been a free agent at the end of the 2000 season.

When asked why he let the All-Pro Wide Receiver go for such a pittance, GM Wuss Gawd quipped. "If I wanted to retain the services of an overrated, whoring crackhead, I'd go sign Darryl Strawberry. Seriously, though, it is a really nice team bus. It's even got a Blaupunkt in it."

[Kodos]

Those poor, poor Cowboys... oops, Sid's Bail Bond fans.



:D

[WussGawd]

Dallas Morning Fishwrap

May 11, 2000

Sid's Bail Bonds Trade Troy Aikman

The Dallas Sid's Bail Bonds announced at an afternoon press conference yesterday that they have traded All-Pro Quarterback Troy Aikman to the Denver Broncos for Denver's First and Second Round picks in the 2003 NFL Draft.

Denver recently entered the market for a quarterback upon the surprising retirement of John Elway.

When asked for a comment on this latest in a series of shocking personnel decisions, GM Wuss Gawd was coy. "Got to get younger and dumber. That's all I've got to say."

[WussGawd]

That was fun wasn't it. We've tossed all the old fan favorites on the scrap heap and are charging double the highest other ticket price in the land for the privilege in sitting in the aging, decrepit rickety old astroturfed rat-trap named Texas Stadium. I can just see the fans lighting a bonfire of season tickets right now. YEEHAW, RIDE EM COWBOYS, er, Sid's Bail Bonds! :)

With the departure of Troy Aikman, our probable starter is Jeff Brohm. Hahahahahaha. :)

Dumping Irvin has left our receiving corps in even worst straights than the QB spot. We have exactly two wide receivers under contract. Oh well, Emmitt, Johnston and Brohm can always run the double-wing, I suppose. :)

Here's the 2000 Roster prior to what will be a ton of minimum wage free agent signings.

<pre>>
Front Office Football from Solecismic Software
Roster for the Dallas Sids Bail Bonds

Name # Pos OnTm Ctrc Exp Stat Cap Cost
Brohm, Jeff 19 QB 2000 2000 5 ----- $440,000
McConnell, Marco 12 QB 2000 2003 R ----- $750,000
Smith, Emmitt 22 RB 1990 2004 11 ----- $5,500,000
Warren, Chris 42 RB 1998 2001 11 ----- $750,000
Bryson, Zack 46 RB 2000 2001 R ----- $190,000
Johnston, Daryl 48 FB 1989 2002 12 ----- $1,650,000
Lucky, Mike 84 TE 1999 2000 2 ----- $290,000
Armstrong, Carlos 87 TE 2000 2001 R ----- $190,000
Ogden, Jeff 85 WR 1998 2000 3 ----- $350,000
McGarity, Wane 18 WR 1999 2001 2 ----- $340,000
Ellard, Ellis 57 C 2000 2003 R ----- $290,000
Allen, Larry 73 G 1994 2004 7 ----- $3,440,000
McIver, Everett 67 G 1998 2003 7 ----- $1,510,000
Taylor, Aaron 72 G 2000 2002 6 ----- $440,000
Irwin, Gerald 70 G 2000 2001 R ----- $190,000
Burns, Heath 69 G 2000 2002 R ----- $440,000
Adams, Flozell 76 T 1998 2002 3 ----- $600,000
Page, Solomon 77 T 1999 2002 2 ----- $590,000
Douglas, Bert 5 K 2000 2003 R ----- $480,000
Ekuban, Ebenezer 96 DE 1999 2003 2 ----- $1,130,000
Hennings, Chad 95 DT 1992 2002 9 ----- $1,490,000
Lett, Leon 78 DT 1991 2001 10 ----- $3,600,000
Myers, Michael 94 DT 1998 2001 3 ----- $430,000
Nguyen, Dat 90 LB 1999 2001 2 ----- $470,000
George, Corey 58 LB 2000 2002 R ----- $190,000
Bell, Preston 56 LB 2000 2002 R ----- $190,000
Hines, Amos 55 LB 2000 2001 R ----- $190,000
Sanders, Deion 21 CB 1995 2002 12 ----- $3,270,000
Smith, Kevin 26 CB 1992 2004 9 ----- $3,700,000
Stoutmire, Omar 24 S 1997 2000 4 ----- $450,000
Teague, George + 31 S 1998 2000 8 ----- $550,000

Key: Pos - Position, HT - Height, WT - Weight,
OnTm - When joined team, Ctrc - Last year of contract,
(UFA - free agent, ---- - no contract), Exp - Experience,
Stat - Status (InjR - injured reserve, Inact - Inactive)

Salary Cap: $60.0 million
Room Under Cap: $16,520,000
</pre>

As you can see, we've jettisoned a ton of the 1999 Cowboys roster, dropping from 53 on opening day last year to a maximum of 19 this year. We've also managed to avoid bringing in any exceptional talent to replace them, so I think I may have created the possibility of a long painful year for Sid's Bail Bonds fans.

[WussGawd]

Sid's Bail Bonds Bench Starters

August 3, 2000

Dallas (Wire Services):

The Dallas Sid's Bail Bonds have announced the indefinite benching of G Larry Allen, T Flozell Adams, DE Ebenezer Ekuban, LB Dat Nguyen, and DT Leon Lett. When pressed for a comment, Dallas Head Coach Broderick Blanchard said simply. "It's Mr. Gawd's team...he can do what he wants, I suppose." Blanchard's face was white as he commented through clenched teeth.

"These guys were too good. They were humiliating our other players, making them feel inadequate, and hurting their chances to develop into the sort of players we think they can be. This way our young guys, and our untalented veterans, can have a chance to step up and play pivotal roles for us this year." quipped Wuss Gawd when pressed for a comment.

Outside of Texas Stadium, 200 picketers, some hanging a likeness of Mr. Gawd from a noose, chanted derogatory slogans, and vowed to run the controversial owner out of town.

[WussGawd]

Dallas Sid's Bail Bonds New Uniforms sink to a new low.

Dallas Morning Fishwrap

August 5, 2000

by Ed Hill, Senior Sports Columnist

The secrets to the atomic bomb hasn't been guarded as closely as the identity and look of the new Bail Bonds's team uniforms. And with good reason. It is only a shame they couldn't have stayed locked in the vault.

Deion Sanders and new Dallas quarterback Jeff Brohm (I can't even believe I used the words Jeff Brohm in the same sentence as Dallas and quarterback) stepped onto the runway with a true look of embarrassment as they donned the uniforms bearing horizontal black and white stripes, with the names and numbers on the uniform in block letters, giving the appearance of stencils.

The peels of derisive laughter from the assembled press corps clearly wasn't what the players wanted, or hoped for. And all the time, in the background, the vacuous, beaming Wuss Gawd, jubilant in the depths of humiliation he has sunk this once proud franchise to in the course of 18 months.

When asked to comment on the outrage, Team President Wuss Gawd commented. "Hey, for years, Dallas players have been wearing these uniforms in the Big House...I figured I'd just get our guys used to the idea while they're still on the outside."

These aren't your father's Cowboys, friends. In fact, they're not your older brother's Cowboys. The Truth is, I'm not sure Dallas wants to lay claim to them at this point either.

[WussGawd]

Sid's Bail Bonds Season Ticket Sales Plummet 25%

Dallas (AP): The dealing of several high priced free agents and setting a record for average ticket prices have done little to retain Dallas Sid's Bail Bonds fan loyalty.

Team Officials announced that season ticket sales have dropped from 62,900 to 48,500 for the 2000 season.

Unfortunately, this isn't encouraging. Fan Support rating (66) is still too high and the Support For a New Stadium (45) has only slipped marginally since last year.

Hopefully a bad regular season will have our fans scurrying to leave the stadium like rats abandoning a sinking ship by Week 17.

[WussGawd]

2000 Regular Season

Since this team still isn't committed to moving to a new town, I will quick sim this season just like last year.

The Bail Bondsmen (the newspaper's nickname for them, not mine) went 3-1 in the preseason. Unfortunately, I had to play Dat Nguyen heavily for a week due to the injuries in the linebacking corps. While we won three games, the opener was an encouraging and embarrassing loss to the Patriots 41-11 at home. Hopefully this, and not the subsequent three wins are the real harbingers for the future.

Here is the 2000 Schedule, along with their 1999 Regular Season Final Record:

Week, Team, Record
1: TENNESSEE TITANS, 9-7
2: NEW YORK GIANTS, 8-8
3: @Arizona Cardinals, 9-7
4: @Detroit Lions. 8-8
5: ARIZONA CARDINALS, 9-7
6: PHILADELPHIA EAGLES, 4-12
7: WASHINGTON REDSKINS, 9-7
8: @Cincinnatl Bengals, 9-7
9: @Washington Redskins, 9-7
10: ST. LOUIS RAMS, 9-7
11: @New York Giants, 8-8
12: GREEN BAY PACKERS, 10-6
13: OPEN DATE
14: @Cleveland Browns, 7-9
15: @Atlanta Falcons, 10-6
16: JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS, 9-7
17: @Philadelphia Eagles, 4-12

Arizona, Green Bay, Atlanta, St. Louis, Jacksonville, Tennessee, and Cincinnati all were playoff teams last lear, so it's a tough schedule, but could be tougher.

[WussGawd]

Tennessee Titans at Dallas Sid's Bail Bonds

Rookie Marco McConnell got the nod over veterans Craig Erickson and Jeff Brohm at quarterback for Dallas and started off red hot. Dallas led 16-7 at the break. But in the second half, McNair got hot, Tennessee shut down Emmitt Smith, and terrorized Marco into numerous sacks and incompletions.

Marco McConnell had a shockingly good first start. He was 21 of 35 for 194 yards with no INTS & 1 TD Pass. Emmitt had 94 yards on 24 carries, and in fact, we statistically dominated...but badly timed penalties, 5 sacks and an inability to convert key 3rd downs tipped the scales for the Titans.

Attendance: 49,800 (3,500 No Shows).