J-Lo Gettin Busy
 

HAR!




hxxp://www.thesuperficial.com/archives/000798.html
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Jennifer Lopez has disgusting problems
Tuesday - March 29, 2005
They don’t just hand out websites, you know. It's an awesome responsibility, especially to an award winning* journalist such as myself. So in keeping with that, here's an completely unconfirmed story from an anonymous e-mail. Sources simply don’t come more rock solid and above reproach than that.

"In honor of another (sad) season of Project Greenlight, I thought I'd share an old Bennifer story with you, probably one you haven't heard before.

When you work in TV Field Production (as I do) you encounter many interesting crew guys with many interesting stories. This year at the Sundance Film Festival, we had just wrapped an interview with David Schwimmer where he told a funny story about Sly Stallone leaving his wireless mic on while being 'attended to' in a bathroom on set, and the evil sound mixer who turned up his volume for all to hear.


Once Schwimmer was gone our gentle Utah Local Audio guy, turned to us sheepishly and said, "Man, Schwimmer's story is nothing, I've heard way worse in my headphones on set."

The room went Silent. Our Sound Guy is one of those soft sincere dads who works in TV in a small town and is more impressed with his daughter's report card than a Hollywood star, so we were SHOCKED to hear what came out of his mouth next...

"Remember a few years ago when Ben Affleck and Matt Damon were here shooting Project Greenlight?" (They had gone to Sundance to interview directors and writers and try and create a publicity stunt and an episode out of it.) "I was doing sound in the condo where they were both lodging and filming. At one point Ben took a break from shooting and disappeared upstairs to his bedroom. By mistake he left his wireless mic on."

"Jennifer Lopez was there with Ben, but was hiding out in his room the whole time. At first when I heard Ben kissing her hello, I immediately went to turn the volume down on my headphones. But then they started kissing loudly and making noises, and I felt so guilty, but I left the sound up, and heard Jennifer saying 'I love you baby, I love you... You wanna get busy, baby. You wanna get busy?'"

"Then I heard Ben reply, .'Are you sure you're feelin' better? I don't want you to shit on me again.'"

Silence. Then screams from everyone on our crew. Our dear sound guy seemed like he had finally told a story he'd been holding onto for years, and was relieved to tell people who found it more funny than disgusting. I think it is perfectly both."


Mmmmmm, is there anything hotter than a condescending flat chested fat girl with bowel control problems. Rowwrrr, gotta get me some of that!

I don't believe this story, but I really hope a videotape shows up of JLo accidentally going number 2 on Ben.

She looks like a pooper.

OMG.

Cleveland steamers for all!

Damn. Stole my line.

:D

I always imagined she had a sweaty, stinky ass but this is just going too far.

Leave it to Ben to ruin a perfectly good romantic and/or sexual encounter with the "I hope you don't shit on me like last time" line. I bet that kinda killed the moment.

can you blame him for exercising caution?

Or being a little bothered at having been prevoiusly shit on.

Assuming this conversation took place, he could have referenced "that" without saying it explicitly.

Well, maybe he was trying to negotiate a Monroe Transfer...

:D

Ya know, it occurs to me that we don't know what sexual act was occuring during said movement, it's possible she was atop him in the 69 position when the accident occured.

Maybe it was an EXTREME situation.

Like, "are you sure you're not going to crap on me again?"

I'd say a chick shitting on your forehead is pretty fuckin extreme cocksucker.

"How's yer butt feelin?"

This thread has me slightly nauseated...

You arn't gonna crap yourself are ya?

You crap when you feel nauseated? I would hate to have to smell your breath afterward...

I've thought about it for an hour and I can safely proclaim that there is nothing sexy about a girl crapping on you.

If so, please alert franklinnoble so he can stop the recommendation.

You're no scatman, huh?

Is it better to be the crapper (and live with the embarassment) or the crapee (and live with the horror)?

Of course, this topic just HAD to be my 3,000th post.

All of the power, except over their bowels, which is all that matters to the crappee.

I'll go with the crapper. They seem to have all the power.

Much better to be the crapper.

Very much unsafe for work (or anywhere else) but for some very funny cartoons about this subject check out sexy losers dot com. 068 069 and 071.

Was the Gigli man trying to do it in the Butt?

Wouldn't you with J-Lo?

That's the only ASSet she has.

Well, I lets go over our options. Seeing as how he refers to her being sick I imagine that the movement was liquidy, so lets take that into account.

1. Doggie- She either shoots on his waist or it drizzles down onto Little Ben while he's in the act, this is very gross.

2. Cowgirl- Theres a chance she shoots it out and much of it misses Little Ben, but theres gotta be some drizzle. Disgusting but not overly so.

3. Reverse Cowgirl- Probably on his stomach/chest and he can throw her off quickly but if he stands up quickly its gonna get messy. One of the more pleasant scenarios.

4. Missionary- Chances are good that the contact of Poo to Ben is minimal, this is probably the best scenario.

5. Spoon- This may be the worst, as a projectile pooing is gonna nail him right at the waist and drizzle down and a trickle down is gonna splatter all over them. Not the most contact but this is gonna be super messy and if he doesnt notice it immediately it's gonna cause a super puddle/sloppy mess and probably get on everything.

6. Oral Sex/Missionary- Now we get into the worst case scenarios where his face is involved in the pooing, in this instance its gonna shoot on his chin, and a knee jerk reaction is probably gonna deliver a good blast right into his mouth, not good.

7. Oral Sex/69/J-LO on top- This is a tough one, if she projectiles it could blast clear over his head but even so it's likely that splatter hits him and then drizzle occurs which drops it right down onto his face. Worst case is that it's all a strong drizzle and it empties right into his mouth, at which point he's on his back gagging with poo in his mouth, this could be life threatening.

8. Any Form Of Analingus- We don't even wanna go there.

Im discounting anal sex because i can't imagine that if she was feeling sick she would allow it, if it was anal sex though, ewwwwww.

So in summation, lets hope that he was doing it missionary with a condom on.

Top notch analysis.

I'm guessing the fact he used the term "shit on me" indicates he bore the brunt of much of the projectile. #1 seems the most plausible.

Now you've officially spent too much time on this.

We need some female input on this... what would be the most likely position to cause you to accidentally go number 2 on your man?

I would guess that cowgirl or reverse cowgirl, squating would be the most likely. Any position where the girl is squatting I would think would leave them open to a very relaxed rectum, plus it's a natural pooing position.

Hell no. This is in my brain now.

This is the funniest thread I've read in a long time. Good show, fellas.

Shit on me once, shame on me. Shit on me twice...

For some reason when I read that, I mentally put the words in George Steinbrenner's mouth.

Where's the Madden telestrator when you need it?

how about a flere - o - gram.

Why do I keep coming back to check this thread?

Because it's just to much fun.
:D

No, it's gotta be from anal sex. Seriously, would you want any other type from J-Lo?

I think I would be perfectly happy with the doggy style. I have never been much of an "anal guy", despite being a truck driver.

Is that a truck driver thing or something? Never heard of that.

Especially after Puffy probably tore that shit out of the frame. With a ho like JLo, Ben's only option for sides and bottom might have been anal.

she probably pooped all over P-Diddy as well.

I highly doubt it was anal. I have never had a girl say to me "I really don't feel that good, stick it in my ass".

There was likely no warning. She probably went on him and played it off like she wasn't feeling well after.

His reaction doesn't strike me as though it was anal. He sounds like he's wary of normal intercourse.

There is a gay underworld to the world of trucking. Go into just about any truck stop bathroom and on the stall walls you will find the messages saying "Ch. 35 (c.b. radio) for BJ, (time and date)"

Also, my codriver and I laughed pretty hard when we were parked at a truckstop and I saw the guy next to me talking on the radio. He was clearly not on Ch. 19 so for the hell of it I started flipping through the channels and found the one he was on. He was setting up a BJ with a guy just pulling into the truckstop.

It is not a large percentage, I am sure of that, but there are plenty of guys out there who despite their homophobic persona, are as gay as Boy George.

I think I went a little over on the info there....
:cool:

Unless anal was their usual style. I know of at least one girl who couldn't 'finish' any other way.

It's a lonely road eh?

Oh. Sadly this wasn't covered in Smokey and the Bandit so I didn't know.

Nope, not covered there. They just cover the good parts.
:D

I'm with you on that one.

Whole different meaning to the old standard "ass, gas or grass?"

Great thread, good stuff.

However, while it makes the whole premise far less funny, don't you suppose that when Bennifer said "Are you sure you're feelin' better? I don't want you to shit on me again", it might've just been a figure of speech? It's a relatively common saying...

A couple of years ago, I drove straight through from Miami to Houston. I figured it would take me 14 or so hours. I was making good time, until I got to Louisiana. All of a sudden, traffic on the Interstate just stopped. I didn't move for two hours. I was scanning the radio stations, and finally found out that there was a chemical spill, and the Interstate was shutdown. When we finally started moving again, it was EXTREMELY slow. They had us exit the highway, and go on some backroads to get around the part where the highway was closed. It took almost 5 hours to go about 20 miles. So instead of getting into Houston around midnight, it was now looking like 3 or 4am. So I kept on going.

It was about 1:30am, and I was dog tired. There was a rest stop, and it looked like it had vending machines. So I planned to take a leak and get a coke. I walked into the bathroom, and there were two guys there, and they evidently had already done the CB negotiations. I wasn't sure if I was just seeing things from sleep deprivation or what, but I just turned around, got back in the car, and made it to Houston as fast as possible.

Classic thread morph. Quite entertaining.

Carry on...

I've only heard "shit on me" in refference to someone being ragged on/treated like crap, doesn't seem like thats what he's saying.

Would this be considered a chili dog?

That is horrible.

A lot of girls say that to you right after you ask them if they want to have sex?

That is why Rest Areas are called "Pickle Parks"
:D

Thankfully I have never ran into anything like that. lol

That is awesome. I'm gonna have to break it out later.

Then my job here is complete.

Sorry, but that's the mental pic I had, so if I have to endure it, so do you.

If we assume that J-Lo is capable of rapid mood swings (she is female after all) it's not inconceivable that there might've been previous times when they were getting freaky, then she suddenly turned into a raving bitch, and thus what he was referencing.

As entertaining as it is to think about J-Lo giving Bennifer a Cleveland Steamer, I think the above is at least as plausible an explanation.

I'm not quite sure what you're saying here. J-Lo asked Bennifer if he wanted to fool around, and he responded with the "shit on me" comment.

See my response to Suicane75 for my thinking on this...

It's also possible that the sound guy mis-heard what was said, and what was actually said was "I don't want you to spit up on me again." Which could actually be grosser...

I got oggled by a truck driver while taking a leak at a Rest Stop. I was about twenty feet into the woods by the parking area and this guy comes over, standing about ten feet away, says "how's it going?" I say fine and continue peeing, thinking he's going to start doing the same. I look up and he's just leaning up against a tree watching me take a leak. So I tell him, "do you mind?" and turn away from him. The fucker follows my turn so we're in the same positions as before. This time I tell him to "get the fuck away from me," which he finally does.

Two things:

1. I really had to take a leak, so leaving wasn't an option
2. This was a few years before "There's Something About Mary." I had no idea Rest Areas were the bathhouses of the 90s.

Ya know, if your gonna go in the woods anyway, pretty much anywhere is a rest stop.

Bring back the qotm.

Usually the simplest answer is the correct one. I've never had sex with a girl and suddenly had her flip out halfway through. Plus you have to make assumptions that have no basis in fact. It just doesn't make sense. What makes sense is that J-Lo likes giving Ben The Cleveland Steamer, but Ben doesn't like getting The Cleveland Steamer.

It was one of those parking lot rest stops with no facilities. :p They are all over the place in MA, where apparently authorities believe most people use the stops to comb their hair and take a walk.

This reminds me - why is it ok to take your dog outside so he can piss on street sign, but if you were to then follow his lead by peeing on the same sign, you would be breaking the law? It's ok for dogs to pee in public, but not people???

I think it's public indecency, exposing your penis, not the urine. So if you ran a tube down your pants, you'd probably be fine.

You've never started fooling around with a girl and have the situation turn from very good (things are going well, you are proceeding towards sex) to very bad (she's pissed-off/upset and you get into a fight)?

I agree with the Occam's Razor thinking - the simplest explanation is usually the best one. In this case, I'm thinking it's just as likely that the "shit on me" reference was a figure of speech as it was literal.

Sure, but not because she shit on me.

:confused:

You seem to be confirming the scenario I painted above.

It's a possible scenario. Knowing nothing about J-Lo's temperament in the bedroom, you can't say it's any more a likely scenario than an accidental bowel movement.

My main point is that this thread is a hell of a lot funnier proceeding on the assumption that the latter is true.

Well yeah - that goes without saying :)

It seems to me much weirder of Ben to say what he said if she didn't go number 2 on him. If it's a figure of speech, it's an odd context to use it.

I just saw J Lo on TV and all I could do was cringe. After this I'll never be able to see her in the same light again...

It's funny to me because despite all you guy's complaining i know every one of you would have sex with her if given a chance. And then brag about it to everyone you know

I wouldn't brag about her pooping on me.

I don't see anyone complaining, except you. :p Just because J-Lo will never poop on you is no reason to take it out on us.

I dont complain, and I've never found JLO to be terribly attractive. Ben on the other hand, he's doable

Even with the fu-manchu?

Actually, I wouldn't fuck that with your dick.