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M GO BLUE!!! 02-05-2011 12:32 AM
This brings a whole new level to "It wasn't me."

BBC News - Malawi row over whether new law bans farting

molson 02-08-2011 09:38 AM
I always enjoy the "animals get revenge" stories.

http://www.idahostatesman.com/2011/0...-by-armed.html

DELANO, Calif. — A Central California man who was at a cockfight died after being stabbed in the leg by a bird that had a knife attached to its own limb, officials confirmed Monday.

Jose Luis Ochoa, 35, of Lamont, was declared dead at a hospital about two hours after he was injured in neighboring Tulare County on Jan. 30, the Kern County coroner said.

An autopsy concluded Ochoa died of an accidental "sharp force injury" to his right calf.

Sheriff's spokesman Ray Pruitt said it was unclear if a delay in seeking medical attention contributed to Ochoa's death.

"I have never seen this type of incident," Sgt. Martin King, a 24-year veteran of the sheriff's department, told the Bakersfield Californian.

Ochoa and the other spectators fled when authorities arrived at the scene of the fight, King told the newspaper. Deputies found five dead roosters and other evidence of cockfighting at the location, he said.

No arrests were made at the cockfight.

Cockfighting is a sport, illegal in the United States, in which specially bred roosters are put into a ring and encouraged to fight until one is incapacitated or killed.

According to Kern County Superior Court records, Ochoa paid $370 in fines last year after pleading no contest to one count of owning or training an animal for fighting, according to the newspaper.

Attending or organizing a cockfight, or training an animal to participate in one, are all misdemeanors under California law, although a second offense is a felony.

I. J. Reilly 02-08-2011 10:01 AM
Fatally stabbed in the calf? Sounds like Hitman Monkey has some competition.

DataKing 02-08-2011 12:32 PM
This is a little different...

Bless me iPhone for I have sinned | Technology Headlines | Comcast.net

Ksyrup 02-08-2011 01:18 PM
I guess we don't have to ask if she spits or swallows....

Quote:
Shopper Ingested Semen-Tainted Yogurt Sample
Lab tests confirm New Mexico woman’s suspicion

FEBRUARY 7--Confirming the suspicions of a New Mexico woman, a yogurt sample provided to her last month by a grocery clerk contained semen, according to test results that prompted police to secure a search warrant authorizing them to collect blood and DNA samples from the suspect.

The disclosure that the yogurt sample from an Albuquerque market tested positive for “sperm cells” and saliva is contained in a search warrant affidavit seeking blood and DNA samples from Anthony Garcia, the 31-year-old suspect.

The January 28 warrant, which was approved by a District Court judge, notes that the samples were needed to “make sure Mr. Garcia does not have any illness or disease that could harm” the victim, whose name TSG has redacted from court documents due to the nature of the incident.

When police arrived to investigate the January 25 incident at the Sunflower Farmers Market, they arrested Garcia after determining he was the subject of two outstanding warrants connected to a 2009 bust for criminal sexual contact with a minor. Garcia is pictured in the above mug shot.

According to a police report, the 28-year-old victim was shopping with her daughter in the store’s cereal aisle when she was approached by Garcia, who worked in the store’s dairy department. After accepting Garcia’s offer of a yogurt sample, the woman immediately thought the sample tasted “gross and disgusting” and, cops reported, “said it tasted like ‘semen.’”

In a handwritten statement, the woman said, “I spit it out on the floor many times cuz I was upset.” The woman recalled that when she talked to manager Catherine Flores, “she told me was a Greek yoghurt. People love it has lot of protein on it.”

The woman paid for her groceries and returned home, where she told her boyfriend about the incident. She told of how Garcia had “just come with one sample just for me,” and that “he was so pushy to tell me how taste it.” The woman and her boyfriend eventually returned to the market, where they summoned police.

When questioned by cops, an “extremely nervous” Garcia denied putting bodily fluids in the yogurt container, which he admitted discarding in a trash compactor after the woman complained about the sample’s taste.

An Albuquerque Police Department spokesperson said today that blood and DNA samples have been collected from the incarcerated Garcia, and that results from lab tests are expected later this week.

albionmoonlight 02-08-2011 01:28 PM
I wonder if "I jizzed in some lady's yogurt container and tricked her into eating it" gets you more respect in prison, or if it gets you beaten up in prison.

I could honestly see it going either way.

albionmoonlight 02-08-2011 01:30 PM
dola.

Maybe both. "Props to you man, and I am laughing at that dumb bitch that you made drink it. That's awesome. But I am still going to shiv you in the spine because that could have been my sister you sick weirdo fucker!"

Ksyrup 02-08-2011 01:35 PM
On second reading, maybe she shouldn't have been surprised:

Quote:
She told of how Garcia had “just come with one sample just for me,”

Unfortunate choice of words for $1,000, Alex.

Autumn 02-08-2011 01:47 PM
now that's a crazy ass story.

sabotai 02-08-2011 02:10 PM
“she told me was a Greek yoghurt. People love it has lot of protein on it.”

LMAO!

Ksyrup 02-08-2011 02:23 PM
Well, the manager was being truthful about the protein part!

Autumn 02-08-2011 02:38 PM
And maybe that guy was Greek.

molson 02-08-2011 02:52 PM
Nice job for those cops to follow up on what must have seemed like an insane story.

Warhammer 02-08-2011 05:30 PM
To pick something like semen in the flavor of yogurt, she must have quite a bit of experience with the other.

JPhillips 02-08-2011 05:45 PM
Quote:
Woman may have died from butt enhancement

The Delaware County Medical Examiner's Office is currently conducting an autopsy on a woman who may have died after receiving a buttocks enhancement procedure at a Philadelphia airport hotel.

Police said the incident happened around 2:46 a.m. at the Hampton Inn on Bartram Avenue, but offered few other immediate details.

An autopsy on the woman is expected to be completed later today. It's unclear whether she was allegedly receiving buttocks implants or a series of silicone injections.

Surgery in an airport hotel?

Chief Rum 02-08-2011 06:08 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by JPhillips (Post 2421840)
Surgery in an airport hotel?

Another interesting factoid: 2:46 a.m.?

Ksyrup 02-08-2011 06:14 PM
I like big butts and I cannot die.

molson 02-08-2011 06:33 PM
That's why I never go any cheaper than the Mariott for my ass surgeries.

JPhillips 02-08-2011 08:57 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by molson (Post 2421869)
That's why I never go any cheaper than the Mariott for my ass surgeries.

Nice.

tyketime 02-09-2011 06:21 AM
Raccoon 1, Carrington Wrestling 0

Quote:
The Carrington (N.D.) High wrestling team never got a shot to defend it's run of three consecutive Region 2 dual tournament titles, yet the reason they missed out had nothing to do with any ineligible player or poor results. Rather, the team was foiled by an uninvited visitor on their bus to the event: A wild raccoon.

According to the Grand Forks Herald and the Associated Press, among other outlets, Carrington was getting ready to compete at the duals championship when administrators discovered the team had been exposed to the animal on the ride from Carrington to Grafton, N.D., where the event was being held. With no time to assess whether any athletes had been in direct contact with the raccoon -- or whether the animal had rabies -- school officials immediately pulled the team out of the event to ensure that they wouldn't put any other wrestlers at risk. No players were bitten or scratched by the animal, but it was unknown if the raccoon was rabid, meaning that officials couldn't ensure opposing wrestlers would be safe from risk if the event continued as scheduled.

"We (school administrators) found out as the tournament was going on that while our students were on the way to the event, they were exposed to a raccoon," Carrington school superintendent Brian Duchscherer told the Herald. "Once we found that out, we didn't know if there was the potential of spreading anything, if the raccoon had rabies or not, so we decided to bring our kids home."

While the incident certainly provides a new watershed moment for "strangest self-disqualification from a postseason tournament," it actually gets even stranger when details surrounding the encounter are explored. According to the Herald, the team's coaches learned that there was a raccoon on the bus when their athletes picked up the animal, believing it was dead.

The decision to pick up a dead wild animal is questionable enough, but what the team's coaches decided to do next is arguably more bizarre: Instead of immediately removing the animal from the bus, they decided to move it to rear storage area instead.

That's right, the Carrington wrestling team knowingly rolled along to the Region 2 duals championship in the full knowledge that they had a wild animal in the back of the bus, dead or alive. In fact, it was only when the team arrived in Grafton that they discovered the animal was quite alive, as it trotted off the bus calmly after the storage area was opened, eluding capture to prevent any rabies testing that would have possibly cleared the way for the team to compete.

Ksyrup 02-09-2011 06:35 AM
Apparently rabies can be transferred from thumb to butt, so they decided not to risk it.

Passacaglia 02-09-2011 07:34 AM
Quote:
defend it's run

:nono:

Ksyrup 02-09-2011 10:00 AM
Holy crap this one is great! Especially the headline.


Quote:
Scratch 'Harry Baals' off list of names for government center
Fort Wayne, Ind., officials against putting former mayor's giggle-inducing name on building

FORT WAYNE, Ind. — A former Indiana mayor who won four terms in the 1930s and 1950s is proving less popular with modern-day city leaders, who say they probably won't name a new government center for him because of the jokes his moniker could inspire.

Harry Baals is the runaway favorite in online voting to name the new building in Fort Wayne, about 120 miles northeast of Indianapolis. But Deputy Mayor Beth Malloy said that probably won't be enough to put the name of the city's longest-tenured mayor on the center.

The issue is pronunciation. The former mayor pronounced his last name "balls." His descendants have since changed it to "bales."

Supporters said it's unfair that the former mayor can't be recognized simply because his name makes some people snicker. But opponents fear that naming the center after Baals would make Fort Wayne the target of late-night television jokes.

"We realize that while Harry Baals was a respected mayor, not everyone outside of Fort Wayne will know that," Malloy said Tuesday in a statement to The Associated Press. "We wanted to pick something that would reflect our pride in our community beyond the boundaries of Fort Wayne."

An online site taking suggestions for names showed more than 1,300 votes Tuesday for the Harry Baals Government Center. That's more than three times the votes received by the closest contender.

Jim Baals, 51, who has lived in the city his entire life, said it's unfortunate that his great-uncle's name won't be considered for the building.

"Harry served four terms and was a wonderful mayor. I don't know what the problem is," he said. "I understand people are going to poke fun at it. That's OK. I've lived with that name for 51 years now, and I've gotten through it. I think everybody else can, too."

City spokesman Frank Suarez said the city has no regrets about opening the name selection up to people online.

"It is a new way of reaching out to the community," he said. "The fact that 17,000 votes have come in tell us the buzz created by this is really good. When was the last time somebody could say they had fun with their government? We've had fun with this."

Suarez told The Journal Gazette that Mayor Tom Henry will meet with local groups and choose from up to 10 finalists from the suggestions submitted. Online voting ends Friday.



Suburban Rhythm 02-09-2011 10:04 AM
This title pretty good too

Fort Wayne officials refuse to slap Harry Baals on public building • The Register

molson 02-09-2011 10:09 AM
I wonder if they would have found that as hillarious in the 30s and 50s too - maybe that's the reason he was elected to all those terms in the first place.

JediKooter 02-09-2011 10:37 AM
They just really liked Harry Baals back then.

Ksyrup 02-09-2011 10:38 AM
Quote:
The issue is pronunciation. The former mayor pronounced his last name "balls." His descendants have since changed it to "bales."

There's a female attorney in my firm with the last name Fuchs. She pronounces it fox. I could see fukes, and obviously fucks, but not fox.

JediKooter 02-09-2011 10:53 AM
I would have guessed 'fukes'. Like from the movie The Thing with Kurt Russel.

tyketime 02-09-2011 11:01 AM
But Harry Baals is probably better than Schweddy Balls.

Autumn 02-09-2011 11:05 AM
Vote for Dick Swett!

http://www.nndb.com/people/875/000127494/

JediKooter 02-09-2011 11:09 AM
Nice!!

sterlingice 02-09-2011 07:20 PM
The Harry Baals story has kindof made me chuckle most of today

SI

JediKooter 02-11-2011 05:33 PM
What I want to know is: How fast did he throw the hot dog??

Court: Baseball Fan Did Not Assume Risk Associated With Hot Dog Toss - Lowering the Bar

sterlingice 02-12-2011 09:41 AM
Stupid, stupid, stupid.

So now no more hot dog toss because guy wasn't paying attention and decided to sue

SI

Ksyrup 02-22-2011 09:47 AM
Someone posted these summaries on another board and I thought of this thread:

The Key Underwood Memorial Graveyard near Cherokee, Ala., is reserved as hallowed ground for burial of genuine coon dogs, which must be judged authentic before their carcasses can be accepted, according to a December report in The Birmingham News. The Tennessee Valley Coon Hunters Association must attest to the dog's having had the ability "to tree a raccoon." (In March, a funeral for one coon dog at Key Underwood drew 200 mourners.) [Birmingham News, 12-30-2010]

Safety Harbor, Fla., trailer-park neighbors Joe Capes and Ronald Richards fought in December, with sheriff's deputies called and Capes arrested for assaulting Richards. The two were arguing over whether the late country singer Conway Twitty was gay. [BayNews9.com (St. Petersburg), 12-3-2010]

RendeR 02-22-2011 10:01 AM
At least you weren't dubbed:

Richard Trickle

when you were born.

Thats right, some poor bastard grew up being called Dick Trickle his entire life. He was a stock car driver for decades.


I still giggle when I watch the classic races and teh announcers mention "Dick Trickle slides to the inside and makes his move!"

JPhillips 02-22-2011 12:07 PM
I love that there are two people that passionate about Conway Twitty's sexuality and that they managed to find each other.

terpkristin 02-22-2011 06:23 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by RendeR (Post 2428929)
At least you weren't dubbed:

Richard Trickle

when you were born.

Thats right, some poor bastard grew up being called Dick Trickle his entire life. He was a stock car driver for decades.


I still giggle when I watch the classic races and teh announcers mention "Dick Trickle slides to the inside and makes his move!"

Need I remind you of my nephew Otto Maddock Pilotte (automatic pilot) or my high school classmate Richard Handler III (yes, Dick Handler)

/tk

Critch 02-22-2011 09:07 PM
How could a solid plan like this go wrong?

Quote:
Clydebank man cut boy's penis with plastic loyalty card

A man who cut a child's genitals with a broken supermarket loyalty card in a bungled attempt to reduce swelling has been sentenced to 18 months probation.

Ross McBride, 23, from Clydebank, took the action after accidentally kicking the boy while playing with a football at a house in Glasgow in February 2008.

The toddler needed 11 stitches to repair the damage he caused but has since made a satisfactory recovery.

McBride, who is autistic, admitted using culpable and reckless conduct.

Glasgow Sheriff Court heard how McBride was in a bad mood when the incident happened because his girlfriend had not bought him a Valentine's card.

He was kicking the ball hard out of frustration when he missed and caught the toddler instead.

When he noticed that the child's penis was red and swollen, McBride decided to snap a shop loyalty card and compress it around the injured area.
Police examiner

He then tried to saw at the youngster in a failed attempt to reduce the swelling.

The court heard that when the boy's mother arrived back the accused told her what had happened and she took her son to hospital.

The youngster was examined by doctors and a police child examiner and was found to have bruising, swelling and cuts to his genitals and thighs.

He was operated on and received 10 stitches to one wound and one to another but has since made a satisfactory recovery.

McBride was later charged with injuring the boy.

Defence advocate Laura Reilly told the court that her client suffers from autism which was not diagnosed until he was an adult.

Miss Reilly added that McBride has limited intelligence and suffers from emotional difficulties.

tyketime 02-23-2011 02:11 PM
Is that a chainsaw in your pants, or are you just happy...? (from MSNBC)

Quote:
CHICKASHA, Okla. — A suspected thief was taken into custody after allegedly trying to conceal a stolen chainsaw by stuffing it down his pants as one would a candy bar, according to local news reports.

Police say 21-year old Anthony Black was eyeing an Echo chainsaw, but decided that a grab and dash wasn't in the cards.

The man, who police say appeared intoxicated, took the mechanical saw from the wall and put it down the front of his pants instead, according to NBC affiliate KSHB.

While some employees initially thought Black — who by this point was walking with a noticeable waddle — was handicapped, others were suspicious.

George Graham, an employee at the Ross Seed Company, witnessed the incident, telling NBC affiliate KEOR, "I seen the bar between his legs. It was pretty obvious. Imagine it in the front of your pants."

"This is a little unique, simply because of how large the item was," Chickasha Police Assistant Chief Elip Moore explained.

Paul Horton, the hardware store's manager, told KEOR it was "the first time I've ever seen a chainsaw go down anyone's britches."

A limping Black was eventually chased from the store, ditching the chainsaw in the process.

A short pursuit ensued, with the suspected thief diving headfirst into a creek, police say.

Authorities fished Black from the shallow water, placing him under arrest.

"He could have cut himself up real good. He'd have been walking with a permanent limp," Graham explained.

The chainsaw in question was eventually returned to the store.

DataKing 02-23-2011 02:59 PM
And properly disinfected, one hopes...

Ksyrup 02-23-2011 03:27 PM
Who puts a candy bar down the front of their pants?

Ksyrup 02-25-2011 10:18 AM
I think I might have found the original guy that the semen yogurt guy copycatted. The best part of this story is the fact that they managed to capture a pic of the woman that makes her look like she just took a drink of a semen-flavored water bottle.


Man Found Guilty In Semen Assault Case

February 24, 2011 3:45 PM
Print Share 157



SANTA ANA (CBS) — A Fullerton man has been found guilty of ejaculating into his female co-workers water bottle.

Michael Lallana, 32, was found guilty Thursday afternoon of assault and battery. Jurors also found true the allegation that he did it for sexual gratification.

Lallana admitted in a taped interview submitted to jurors that he ejaculated into an “attractive” co-worker’s water bottle because “her lips had touched it,” but told detectives he never thought she would drink it.

Lallana and the woman — identified only as Tiffany G. — began working together at Northwestern Mutual Financial Network in Newport Beach. They were both later transferred last year to the company’s office in Orange.

“It was the closest I could ever get to someone as good looking as that without tampering with my marriage or hurting anyone,” Lallana said in the interview with Orange Police Department detectives in explaining why he ejaculated into the woman’s water bottle twice last year.

When the detectives quizzed him on why he didn’t just throw the water bottle away when he was done, Lallana said he figured she would dump the water and was afraid of leaving anything out of place on her desk.

“Can I honestly say I wanted her to drink it? No,” Lallana said in the taped interview. “Why I left it there, I don’t know.”

Tiffany testified that she left her water bottle on her desk in the Newport Beach office on a Friday in January of last year. She said that when she returned the following Monday and drank from the bottle, she tasted what she believed to be semen.

“I had a hunch that’s what it was, but I wouldn’t dream in a million years that’s what it was,” she said.

After being transferred to the company’s office in Orange, the woman said she again tasted semen in her water last April 6. Up to that point, she had been more careful with her water, dumping it when she left, she said.

Tiffany testified she threw the water bottle away that January. But after the second time in April, she kept the fouled liquid and asked her fiancee put his semen in a water bottle to see if that’s what she had tasted at work.

“At the time, I had no idea how else to figure out what this was,” she testified.

Convinced it was semen in the water bottle she had at work, the witness said she approached Orange police but was told they could not do anything based on the suspicion of a crime.

She then went to human resources officials at her workplace. “They heard me out, but they didn’t know what to do,” she testified. The woman said she was told the company’s legal representatives would be consulted but decided on her own to seek out an independent laboratory to test the water.

When she found a lab and got the results back, she had a friend, whose husband is a former Orange police officer, call the department’s investigators and they picked up the case in June, she testified.

Tiffany and Lallana did not have much to do with each other than small talk or an occasional greeting because he did much of his work outside the office, according to testimony.

When pressed by detectives, Lallana said he found his co-worker attractive and that part of the allure was that “her lips had touched” the water bottle, according to the tape played for jurors.

Lallana also gave investigators a DNA sample, and Deputy District Attorney Brock Zimmon told jurors the evidence showed it was Lallana’s semen in the water bottle.

Chubby 02-25-2011 12:29 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by RendeR (Post 2428929)
At least you weren't dubbed:

Richard Trickle

when you were born.

Thats right, some poor bastard grew up being called Dick Trickle his entire life. He was a stock car driver for decades.


I still giggle when I watch the classic races and teh announcers mention "Dick Trickle slides to the inside and makes his move!"

a classmate of mine in HS was Brian Hole, yes, his father's name was Richard...

DataKing 02-25-2011 12:38 PM
Met a guy once named Richard Head.

JPhillips 02-25-2011 12:42 PM
There was a guy in my hometown named Harold Richard Head. He preferred to be called Harry Dick.

sterlingice 02-25-2011 01:04 PM
He's no Harry Baals

SI

JediKooter 02-25-2011 03:01 PM
Charleston Police Blotter | The Post and Courier, Charleston SC - News, Sports, Entertainment


"Charleston Police Blotter
EDWARD C. FENNELL,
Thursday, February 24, 2011

Tweet

Punch unexpected for 'cartoon' character

A man walking downtown at 2 a.m. acting like the "Futurama" TV show's cartoon lobster character, "Dr. Zoidberg," was punched in the face, according to a Charleston police report.

The 22-year-old man, who had a chipped tooth and possible broken nose, drove himself to a hospital, the report says.

The man told police he was "just playing around" Feb. 11 near King and Calhoun streets when he began imitating Zoidberg. The report says the 22-year-old described Zoidberg as "a lobster doctor that walks sideways with his claws out and makes noise."

When "Zoidberg" passed another man on the street, the other man reportedly asked, "What did you say to me?" The 22-year-old's friends pulled him away from the man, "telling him, 'keep going, he said nothing to you,' " according to the report.

The man reportedly followed for about 20 feet and threw the punch. The alleged assailant, who is known by the 22-year-old, reportedly ran away, the report states.

The report says the 22-year-old told officers he wants to press charges."

Autumn 02-26-2011 08:12 AM
You would think these women would be smarter than to say in the public record that they thought they recognized the taste of semen.

tyketime 03-01-2011 07:14 AM
Apparently the local pizza shop competition is heating up:

Quote:
Two police officers smelled a rat Monday afternoon when they were eating lunch at an Upper Darby pizza place and watched the owner of a competing pizza restaurant walk into the shop carrying a suspicious bag into the restaurant’s bathroom.

After the man left, the owner of Verona Pizza on West Chester Pike discovered footprints on the toilet in the bathroom and a bag tucked into the ceiling tiles, police say.

Thinking the bag contained drugs, the owner turned the bag over to the officers who were in the restaurant at the time. They found something white -- but it wasn’t drugs.

Three white mice were in the bag left behind by Nina’s Bella Pizzeria owner Nikolas Galiatsatos, police told NBC Philadelphia.

The 47-year-old didn’t stop there with his hairy scheme.

Galiatsatos, whose pizza place is also on West Chester Pike, walked from Verona Pizza to Uncle Nick’s Pizza across the street and dumped another bag into a garbage can inside that pizza shop, according to Upper Darby Police Superintendent Michael Chitwood.

Police discovered that the bag Galiatsatos dumped into Uncle Nick’s garbage contained five living mice and one dead mouse.

Galiatsatos was arrested on charges of disorderly conduct, harassment, and animal cruelty.

The mice were all turned over to local animal control.

Police say the motive behind the mice dropping may be the fact that Nina’s Bella Pizzeria has only been open for a short period of time and may not be doing well.

"We believe that he was trying to put the competitive pizza places out of business," Chitwood said.


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