Airplane Etiquette For Idiots
 

1. Once the plane stops, if it's on time, it's bad form to jump up, run forward and push past people to get to the front of the plane. Especially if the door to the plane isn't even open yet.

2. Know where your ass is at all times. Seriously, getting up to bend over to grab your crap from under the seat isn't ok.

3. Turn your music down. Nobody wants to hear that crap 5 rows away.

4. As much as I hate the electronic devices off below 10,000 ft rule, I didn't make it up. If I am in uniform and sitting next to you, don't completely flaunt the rule cause you can't handle being disconnected for 15 minutes. Just do as your asked and nobody gets hurt.

5. After you get off don't stop by the jet bridge door and wait for your bag. Move on and wait on the side like everyone else. I will run you over if you are blocking the exit for everyone else.

6. If you have a tight connection in a major hub, and the flight you came in on was on time, I don't want to hear how we all have to get out of your way. That is nobody's fault but your own. Really? How is it the airlines fault cause you can't make your 35 minute connection in Atlanta?

7. If you order a beer, don't spill it on the guy next to you. (happened to me a few weeks ago)

8. After you spill a beer on the guy next to you, don't go into a rant about how (insert political party here) are going to ruin the country.

9. If you spill your beer,go to the nearest exit and jump out,with out a chute.This is your punishment for spilling a beer.

10. When lining up at the gate to get on the plane, if your zone isn't called, get the heck out of the way. Really irritates me when people play that full-court, perimeter defense to be the first one on the plane when they're in zone 5.

I will play devil's advocate for a moment and say there are many instances where you don't really have a choice in your connection duration. It would easily wind up being a choice between a tight connection, and a 4 hour layover. So that could very well be the airline's fault. :)

But, yes. If someone actually politely asks, 'Hey, I've got a tight connection, do you mind if I slip past you when we land?', I've got no problem with that.

10a - Do not act all huffy and irritated when the person working the gate tells you you cannot board yet when you waltz up with that Zone 5 boarding pass, and they haven't even gotten past Zone 2.

I got into a verbal altercation with a guy recently who was behind me on a plane because he tried the run up the aisle move and I stepped up out of my seat in front of him and let everyone ahead of us go. He got all huffy and started mutteringstuff like " unbelievable." I finally had enough, turned around to him, and asked him if he realized all these people are in front of him and he needs to wait his turn like the rest of us. Got quite a few apprecitive looks and comments for that.

I also hate it when people crowd the line at the gate, the plane isn't leaving without you.

We were taking a flight from Seattle and waiting right next to us was Kyra Sedgwick and Kevin Bacon with their two teenage kids ( they were very nice, Sedgwick told me how cute she thought my son was). Anyway, Bacon and Sedgwick were in first class, kids in coach ( we assumed it was a last minute flight(. When it was time for them to board, they asked the agent if it was ok for their kids to board with them eben though they were in coach. We were so impressed at how respectful they were, even though they are big stars. Everyone should be that way.

11. The fact that the plane has landed and is taxing to the terminal is not your permission to immediately begin calling everyone you know and talking to them as loudly as possible. If you really want to make a call because someone is in the hospital, speak quietly.

12. if i am in the aisle seat and you are in the window, dont try to get your bag out of the overhead compartment above me while i am still sitting in my seat..wait for me to get up and out of the row.

13 If you are going to sleep on the flight, please remember my shoulder is not your fucking pillow!

13a. ...unless you're hot.

This one could potentially be unpopular, but if you are to large to fit in one seat buy 2. I get that this is a sensitive issue, but airlines need to find a way make this work. I really shouldn't have to have you literally spilling into my seat because you don't fit into yours.

14. wear deodorant.

My wife works on the airlines. She comments all the time how people turn into absolute idiots and children when they are flying. She will call people out at times, like if you don't act this way at home or work, or even at the grocery store, why do you think it's ok to do it on a plane. One of her biggest peeves is the electronics thing and people's inability to follow basic rules. It's not her, it's not the company, it's the US Government. They also plant people on the planes to make sure the pilots and FAs are following rules. If she sees you texting while they are taxiing and doesn't say anything, she can get fined personally by the FAA.

I've flown quite a bit and I'm amazed at how normal civilized people can turn into trolls and idiots because they are on a plane for 2 hours.

15. I'm all for military going first and all that, but if there's 10 of you, maybe it's not the best idea to jump to the front of the check-in line and then just kind of hang out there, shooting the shit with each other, flirting with the airlines staff, and making no discernible progress in actually getting your bags checked for the next 20-30 minutes when there's a huge line behind you. (Happened yesterday in Little Rock.)

16. If you're late to the airport and waiting in the security line, don't yell to the TSA license/boarding pass screener from several rows back, "You the only one here? You gotta move faster!" That doesn't make anything faster. But it will cause a another TSA guy to jump into action to try to calm you down (no tazering, unfortunately) Also happened yesterday in Little Rock.

17. Schedule your next trip on a train.

This one is the airline's fault. With the checked bag fee and very limited overhead space, everyone tries to get on the plane ASAP in order to try to find some overhead space. Of course, the overhead space runs out quickly and then the entire boarding process is slowed by people trying to find space in other rows and/or them then trying to gate-check 40 bags.

Actually, many of these issues are exacerbated by the airlines. Yes, people are idiots and rude, but then again so are many of the employees of the airlines. Except I didn't pay people for the service - I paid the airline - and my mood will get foul quickly when an employee has an attitude or they're flat-out lying to me to try to save a buck.


We have a winner.

I think it takes Amtrak about 3 weeks to travel every 1,000 miles. Then you have a 3 week layover.

This is why European companies that handle both air & rail are light years ahead of the American companies. They are able to merge the two into one cohesive unit, each complimenting the other. As opposed to here where you have to stubbornly keep insisting only one method works.

Lot easier to lay rail and have infrastructure to support it in a country the size of a large state.

18. Please don't drop your suitcase on my head when you open the overhead compartment.

18b. Once you do, please don't look at me like it was my fault I happened to be sitting the aisle seat when you were behind me opening that thing.

BUT BUT SOCIALISM

I'll continue playing devil's advocate here:

PM, I'd appreciate it if your who I understand is your new employer would not allow one to book:
LAX-IAH landing at 3.06pm with your IAH-LIM connection leaving at 3.50pm or
LIM-IAH landing at 6.20am with your IAH-LAS in 1h10 or IAH-SFO in 1h24m.

That's right. 70 minutes to get off the plane, clear immigration, customs, and TSA security, and then run to your departure gate.

The minimum connection times at each airport aren't decided by the airlines, they are set by IATA.

Ah, if only 13a ever applied for me :(

You guys fly a lot.

Because somehow it makes the plane take off quicker. :)

I have so many of these I could bore you to sleep with them.

Taking your shoes off so I can smell your stank ass socks will get a rude comment from me.

Fighting over someone reclining their seat, pisses me off (I never recline because I always book window) watching people almost get into fist fights over it just is insane.

I thank whatever traveling deities there may be that when I was doing the bulk of my 300,000 miles per year flying, I was in business or first class. I don't think I could have handled all of that time in coach.

The minute I gained status with an Airline was the minute I became a happy traveler. It took the stress out of flying for me and was a pretty awesome experience.

Europe's rail system runs across and integrates across the continent.

Always thank the flight crew on the way out.

But it's primarily in western europe which is about the size of the US east of the mississippi. The population difference is something like 400 million to 175 million. Also I would think that Europes rail service was laid out when the population was much higher, was designed more from a passenger standpoint than a goods standpoint and didn't already have highways to contend with.

YES! Every time!

all of you fuckers are now two degrees away from Kevin Bacon and all you can do is bitch about airplanes? sheesh.

dola,
air travel sucks

well played

You can't be drunk to get on the plane. You can get drunk on the plane. Know the difference. When you are drunk, do not try to get everyone to sing Holy Night in the middle of summer. And do not grab the stewardess' ass. You will get arrested when we arrive.

I Happened to fly with an obnoxious drunk foreigner 2 years ago.

If the seats are three wide, the person in the middle has first right to those middle arm rests. That person is already going to be cramped, at least give them that.

Don't stand there right after the security screening and try to put every item back on while blocking everyone else from being able to proceed. They have benches for that, grab your sh*t and get out of the way.

It clearly states... if you are going to just stand on the moving walkway stay the f*ck out of everyone else's way.

If you decide to have a conversation with the stranger in the seat next to you, remember that everyone in the next 10 rows doesn't want to hear it. No matter how great your job is, successful you thank that you are or if you are somehow the most amazing person in the world who is the only one that can do what you do.

15. Bathe, for the love of god bathe. I don't care what you look like or where you are from but there is no reason to smell like a bum's nutsack on a plane.

19. Don't put your full coffee cup in the overhead bin while you put stuff on your seat, and then forget it, causing it to later be knocked over, spilling coffee on other passengers.

20. When at the bag claim please leave a decent size buffer between where you are standing and the edge of the moving belt. This allows everyone to grab their bags in a nice orderly manner. Contrary to popular belief you do not have to stand within 6 inches of the conveyor belt from the moment you arrive in the baggage claim area in order to retrieve your luggage.

i.e. gimme room to get my bags dammit!!

21. If traveling with a baby, securely pack it in a soundproof container and store it in an overhead bin.

I'm sure you are mostly kidding, but I used to get annoyed at babies on planes until I had my own. Then I realized how difficult it is and how you have to try really hard to not bother everyone around you and its typically a losing battle.

As long as the parents are somewhat trying to calm the situation I understand. If they sit there reading US Magazine while their kid wails away well then...

My cousin and her husband are currently en route from Perth, Australia to the US with their 6 month old. 36 hours of travel. I'll be interested to hear how the trip went. :)

And brush your teeth! Or at least pop a few breath mints.