The official "Who is Dean Houston" thread for the FAQ
 

Dean Houston - SportsCentury

From his humble beginnings as a sheep herder, to his illustrious (if not dubious) career in Front Office Football 2... Dean Houston flaunted the laws of physics and taught Michael Jackson everything he knows today.

Born sometime (who really cares when), Dean was born with both a silver spoon AND a football in his mouth. From the first suckle on his mother's teet to his last (yesterday), Dean knew that he would be the greatest football player to ever play the game. He started on varsity as an 8th grader, never missing a game. His team may have lost every game but BOY did he rack up the stats.

Dean was the proto-typical "me first" player. Drafted in the 1st round by Hell Atlantic, he was determined to set every record possible in Front Office Football 2. You name it, he broke the record for it... passing yards, passing tds, attempts, completions, un-retirements.

For you see, GM Hell Atlantic exploited a loophole in the code to FORCE Dean to keep playing. His knees were shot, his salary through the roof, his arm was putty but play on he did. Not for any mere team accomplishments OH NO... but for personal glory. It was Hell Atlantic's mission in life to get Dean Houston to lead in every passing record so that he too could live in www.frontofficefootball.com history.

It has been rumored that Dean Houston is really Dave Dial in disguise. That the un-natural playing career of Houston caused some distortion in time and space to create the "incident" that brought the Gamers Alliance to their knees and raised Sportplanet to glory.

Dean's place in history will be left up to you, the viewer. Is he the greatest to ever live? Or a goat fucker who molests little boys?

Brock Sheriff is the greatest ever. no contest.

besides, he never molested anyone ... ;-)

Dean lost my respect when he slapped that kid.

In all seriousness, who is Dean Houston? I just get bits and pieces of info... so it's one huge mysterious puzzle.

I remember someone talking about him throwing 5 interceptions that were all returned for touchdowns in one half of play at some point...

any of this true?

Where's the stats? /Clara Peller

Are we going to need a "Who is Brock Sheriff?" thread now too? lol

I heard that Dean Houston once was so upset that a city shared his name, he set Chicago on fire.

Slapping that kid was the last straw.

I could care less about his off field controversy....just gimme his stats dammit!

I heard rumors that his coach called a draw play and Dean Houston shot him and then said he was slow.

And the time he spent in the pokey for molesting Michael Jackson killed off any respect I had for Dean...

you know, I still remember the day Dean came out as the first gay player in the history of sports sims.

I remember that too!!! There was a bi(sexual) line to that story in the news. I think Dean petitioned the league to be more gay friendly by making it mandatory for QBs to line up behind the tight end. Something about quicker release of the balls or something.

I heard rumors that Dean Houston once karate choped a pig after having relations with it thus creating pork chops.

Dean Houston is actually a polymorphed colossal squid.

Dean fuckin' Houston wrestles alligators with BOTH hands tied behind his back.

I heard rumors that Dean Houston once ate three cans of spam. Then slapped a kid.

Dean fuckin' Houston eats iron for breakfast.

I heard the kid he slapped was Shorty.

Funny, I heard that he ate three kids then slapped a can of spam.

I heard rumors that Dean Houston always waited for the running back to be in front of him for handoffs because it would count as throwing yardage.

Yeah, before Dean F'ing Houston got a hold of him, he was Stretch3281...

If you ask me, the kid deserved it....but what he did that that hampster and rabbit...unforgivable.

yeah, that damn hampster would never shut when he put all his dirty clothes in it!

I heard he had a Gila Monster in his pants... because... you know... he liked the way the teeth felt on his dick while was running.

And I heard he had 2 illegitimate albino children from a failed marriage with Laura Flynn Boyle.

I seem to recall he used to refer to Pepsi and Coke as "pop" instead of "soda".

Sick bastard.

I heard rumors that Dean Houston required his center to not wear a cup so he could get a grasp of the goods. If the center was bigger, he got cut. Thus the large amount of white guys who are centers instead of blacks.

wow... I'm really confused now.

You might be, but everything said in this thread is 100% true.

...and of course, anyone who wasn't around for the Dean Houston saga and reads this thread STILL has no clue who he is...

I heard rumors that Dean Houston once photo copied his ass so more people could kiss it at one time.

Yeah? And?

Dola... I forgot to mention the time he and longtime Cleveland linebacker John Dixon were caught in the bushes in Central Park doing unspeakable things to each other...

...but SD, can anyone really understand Dean Houston? He's a conundrum wrapped inside a riddle, then deep fried in chicken grease.

The year Dean Houston hosted the Grammy's he gave every award to Corey Hart.

He also framed Roger Rabbit.

I wonder where H.A. is for all of this?

I heard rumors that Dean Houston once killed three people in Nam. Sadly, it was six years after the war and people looked down on that sort of thing.

Sometimes, the little things that made Dean Houston what he is today wouldn't show up in a box score.

For example, from his game with the Des Moines Cowtippers in 2112, where they played the Calcutta Cowboys, there is a line in the box score stating:

Calcutta-Safety. QB Dean Houston tackled in the end zone.

From a line like that, you assume that Dean took a sack in the end zone...big deal happens all the time.

But the truth, like so many things that define the legend that is Dean, was so much more complex than that. Here's what really happened on a legendary play.

It was 4th and 4 on the Calcutta 12. There was 1:45 left in the game. Des Moines was out of timeouts, and trailed 17-10. Dean had the boys lined up with five wides, trips to the left, tight end in the slot, his best receiver lined up wide right.

After calling the signals, Dean took the snap from the shotgun, and began to peruse the field. Well, ahem, not exactly. The ball was hiked at helmet level, went through Dean's hands, and bounced to the ground . Dean scrambled to pick up the ball as linemen of both teams dived for it.

Dean finally managed to pick it up on the bounce. With the protection breaking down, Dean rolled left, stumbling in the process, and fumbling the ball a second time. Miraculously though, he rescued it from rolling out of bounds a second time, and looked up field.

Spotting a receiver, he released the throw...right into the helmet of a defensive end who'd been chasing him down. The ball sailed basically straight up, high in the air. The defensive end gave Dean a good forearm shiver that dazed Dean, and turned him around 180 degrees. Looking up, to his seeming good fortune, Dean grabbed the ball, and began running.

Unfortunately, the dazed, concussed, and not very bright in the first place Dean failed to realize he'd been turned around and seeing daylight, he began running toward his own end zone. The opposing defense began laying blocks on anybody in sight to clear the path for Dean to take the ball into his own end zone. During the run, Dean fumbled the ball five times, each time recovering the ball as the opposing team patiently waited for him to pick it up and carry it on. As he crossed the goal line, Dean prepared to spike the ball. As he reached up, his own teammate tackled him in the end zone, causing Dean to fumble the ball, which squirted past the end line for a safety. The Cowtippers lost that day 19-10, and the legend of Dean "Wrong Way" Houston was born.

classic

GOD DAMN IT! this is fucking unbelievable. i spit on all your ancestor's graves.

to defile a legend, to withhod respect for an icon who came to represent integrity, honor and professionalism and is a very piece of Americana is to shit on your own piece of hisotry. the man was Cleveland, he was every man, woman and child (and for all you noobs don't listen to the "he slapped a kid" nonsense, there's a lot of haters up in here) who did their work without complaint.

there are a lot of people who don't understand greatness. there are a lot of people who can't comprehend the consistency required to maintain said greatness. many do not know what it's like to be a winner. to have an entire city holding their breath with every pass you throw, to exhale with every td you pass, to shout with excitement with every Championship Trophy and MVP award you win. these concepts are foreign to many. i did not understand myself, and i was a witness to his magic for all his many glorious years. rather than try to understand, myself and all of Cleveland chose to rather sit back and admire in awe his work. you don't look at a masterpiece and ask "how?". you don't ask DaVinci about the Mona Lisa. no - you admire it. you let it's genius soak you in.

you don't question greatness. you let it be.

many are jealous of the success of others. many try to soil that greatness with words of non-truths and their hatred clouds their appreciation of these legacies. his accomplishments speak for themselves - they need no acknowledgement from the critics on the sidelines who couldn't throw a foobtall farther than they can urinate. it's a tough job being a winner and growing into a national icon. it's also difficult walking among mortal men having your own wing in the Hall of Fame. also hard is receiving all these accolades as the doubters try to undermine your success. but Dean Houston didn't play for the critics or non-believers. he didn't play for the gamblers, for the league or for history. he never wanted to be a legend. he played for two things.

for the people.

and for the glory.

he played, and played well because to not play would lay waste to the gifts handed to him by our Lord. to not play up to his greatness would be un-American. to not play great he wouldn't be Dean Houston.

perhaps it is too soon for many to appreciate his legend. Michael Jordan, the 90's Yankees, Lennox Lewis, Roy Jones Jr, Dean Houston - sure, they've received their praise. but many can not accept greatness as it happens. rather, it is for our children, and our children's children to have. to hear the stories of their prowess, learn what it is to be truly remarkable above all others - that is for future genrations to learn and appreciate. time is needed to foster these myths, so that many years from now an icon such as Dean and his story can be dusted off and admired like lost treasure that we only heard whispers of as children.

i weep for you, FOFC. i weep for Dean Houston and his family. i weep for us all.

its a sad, sad day around here.

And NOW it is time to link to this thread from the sticky. ;)

Dean Houston>FOFC

I heard rumors that Dean Houston once helped an old lady cross the road. He then stole her purse. And slapped her grandkid. Who was in a stroller. And only had one arm.

He slapped a kid?!?!?!?!

I expect to see Dean Houston in the next "Where are they now?" issue of Sports Illustrated.

I heard rumors that Dean Houston once needed five more yards for 4000 yards on the season. The team needed to win this game and was already on the four. Dean Houston tossed the ball to the right and took out the running back at the knees for a loss of 5. He then threw a 9 yard completion bringing them to the one as time expired. He blamed the guy running the clock for not knowing who he was dealing with. No one ever saw the guy who ran the clock again.

Reading this while listening to an NFL CD brought a tear to my eye. I have been moved, I suggest everyone do the same.

Oh HA remove Lennox Lewis from that list. :)

This guy sounds like a real asshole.

listen son, we can come back 5 years from now and people will still be talking about the miracle of Dean Houston.

you on the other hand won't even register a blip on the screen.