I hit the stand...
 

Either today or tomorrow I go on the stand in a HUGE trial here in Jacksonville, FL. I cant talk about it much but needless to say Im nervous as hell. Im not implicated in anything but Im a part of the trial and man its more nerve racking than an audition. They just called and said, "Stay by your cell phone. youre going up either later today or early tomorrow" ugh :(

Next time just say no to drugs.

We want you on that wall. We need you on that wall.

You want the truth?
I want Answers!

You can't HANDLE the truth

Can I watch this on Court TV?

wait, its a huge trial in jacksonville.. so some elderly folks must have gotten ripped off in a telemarkter scam

Is this Character Research?

How long before the inevitable parody thread

I hit the tree...

Tell them you were very upset because you never could become a banker.

Hold them in Contempt.

Object every time you are asked something, then ask the judge permission to treat the lawyer as hostile.

Shamelessly plug your acting roles for every question asked.

Repeat everything that you are asked.

Plea the "Fif"

I swear judge.. thats not my bottle of cream and clear

I had to take the stand once, when I called 911 on someone. Someone either released my name during grand jury, or the defendant’s lawyer gave her my name, because I started receiving threatening phone calls after I was subpoenaed.

I eventually got subpoenaed about a dozen times over the next year and a half, each time reciting basic information to a different ADA. Each time being told "Don't worry, this will never go to trial and you'll never have to testify".

Eventually it went to trial and I had to testify.

On the morning I was to testify, I planned to arrive 30 minutes early to go over with the ADA what I told the police the day of the incident (which were the details that nobody had asked me about in a year and a half, which I forgot since this was never going to trial). When I got to the courthouse everything was under construction. It was nice for someone to tell me this. The ENTIRE parking lot was a big hole when I got there. I wanted to be 30 minutes early, and ended up 30 minutes late because I couldn't find parking. It was to the point I was going to say fuck it and leave, but I knew I'd probably get arrested and get 50 years behind bars or some BS. I had to park on a residential street, which I got a ticket for.

So I get called up to the stand. Then a whole class of little kids get marched into the back of the courtroom. Nice. So the ADA asks me a bunch of questions, and of course I don't remember shit, cause I never had time to go over my statement. Nice. Then the other guy starts asking me all these questions, all these STUPID questions, rephrasing them, basically asking me the same thing over and over again a billion times. Stupid shit like "How far away were you from the woman" Me: "I don't know, maybe 4 houses down". Him "It was more like 5 houses down". WHATEVER. So by this time I'm getting agitated. Then I look up at the judge, and he's PLAYING SOLITAIRE ON HIS LAPTOP. WTF. He's not even paying attention, and the only time he does anything is to make little quips at the ADA, refusing her objections and granting every objection to the defendant. Oh, and the bailiff was standing in a side room talking to her friend on a cell phone.

Then we went to break. We went into this big room, and I sat on a bench and started bitching to my wife about how stupid this whole fucking process was. She started poking me and told me I was SITTING NEXT TO A JUROR. WHAT!?!? They put us in the same room???? Absolutely retarded.

There were some other people there to testify too, a single mother with 2 kids. She waited around for hours (we all did), as the ADA kept telling her to be patient. The woman ended up having to drop her kid off at daycare and go to work, but the ADA told her she couldn't leave. They got into this big argument (and of course, right in front of jurors). The ADA threatened her with legal action if she left, and the woman literally told her to fuck off.

Then the ADA told my wife that she didn't need to testify (she was called too), after we sat there for some 6 hours after I testified or something. I think she realized her case was blown to holy hell.

I had little faith in the system before this ...

so, did Flasch sleep with Michael Jackson or not?

Damn Rizon, I didn't know you lived in the same area as me.
(That's just gotta be our "star" ADA).

Don't look stupid. The Jury will use you as humor once the deliberations start.

All that crap about Juries having sympathy for a witness that is badgered and humiliated by a defense attorney, forget about it. I was on a jury a while back, and the defense attorney made what would have been a pretty damning wittness look the fool. The witness broke down in tears. It was great! Not only did we mock her almost daily, during deliberations we asked the court reporter if he would have to cry when he read back her testimony.

Anyway. Don't look stupid.

Just make sure to keep straight the J, P, L, and other Ws for the graphic later.

Yo-Yo Ma

So they think they caught Quentin Glass' killer and they going to ask you why he was in the store buying underpants?

well put Jeebs...well put

I'm glad I don't live in Antarctica.

Hmm.. googling Jacksonville Trial in the news section, some interesting cases there :)

looks like pickin a jury is going slow so im going up maybe tomorrow or Thurs. grrr...

I think he's been harboring Cuban militants.

http://wokv.com/common/ap/2005/04/12/D89DJA5O1.html

Who could sleep with all that anal sex going on.

Yeah, I've had to testify in a murder case. Not fun. Good luck.

I remember that episode of L.A. Law.

I think you should work "Fo Shizzle" into some of your answers.

Homer Simpson did a crossover guest appearance on L.A. Law?

Damn... I missed that one.

Did you write that article yourself?

Little better article:

http://www.news4jax.com/news/4365680/detail.html

golden scribe?

Stupid Question of the day:
ADA = ? (assisant/defence??)

Fran

I think SirFozzie already did that one...

Assistant District Attorney. They attempt to convict people of crimes.

Assistant District Attorney