I like vending machines cause snacks are better when they fall
 

If I buy a candybar in a store, often times I will drop it. So that it achieves it's maximum flavor potential.


I bought a $7 pen cause I always lose pens and I got sick of not carin'.

Don't quit your day job

I play golf, I'm not good at golf, I never got a hole in one but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell "fore", but I was too busy mumblin', "There ain't no way that's gonna hit him."

woah kid, pretty early to start drinking...

FM

I got to write these jokes. So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't funny.

It's sad to think that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs.

One time a guy handed me a picture and said "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." .. Every picture is of you when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I was older." You son of a bitch, how'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera.

A question a child might ask is "Where does rain come from."
A cute answer is to say "It's because God is crying."
If they ask "Why is God crying?", I tell them "It's probably because of something you did."

I'm staying at a hotel. I can't tell you which one, but there are two trees involved.

My roomate says "I need to shave, and use the shower. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?"

It's like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.

I used to do drugs ... I still do them now but I used to do them too.

Mitch?

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be far too long

Sometimes people say "I'm not racist, I don't care if you're white, black, yellow, or purple." Well, hold on. You have to draw the line somewhere. Fuck purple people!

i like the fed ex guy, cuz hes a drug dealer, and he doesnt even know it.

and he's always on time.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much you play, You'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're fucking relentless.

I'm not addicted to gambling, but I am addicted to standing in a semi-circle.

At the end of my letters I like to write: PS- this is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.

Sometimes I make instant oatmeal and then just sit there for an hour. I could just make regular outmeal.

I like an escalator, man, because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. There would never be a 'escalator temporarily out of order' sign, only a 'escalator temporarily stairs. We apologize for the convenience.

My friend asked me I wanted a frozen banana, I said no. But I wanted a regular banana later, so, yeah.

I saw soda pop for $1.20 a six pack, that price fucks with your head, suddenly you think you can start to sell pop. Hey man, wanna buy pop? 50 cents a can, its not refrigerated, this is a half ass commitment.

I never joined the army, because "at ease" never seemed that easy to me. "Ease" for me does not mean standing with my hands behind my back and my legs parted slightly. For me, "at ease" means not being in the army.

I went to this heavy metal concert, and the singer yelled to the crowd 'How many of you people feel like human beings tonight? And then he said 'How many of you feel like animals?' And the thing is, everybody cheered after the 'animals' part. But I cheered after the 'human beings' part because I did not know there was a second part to the question. I said, 'Yes, I feel like a human. I do not feel like a tree.

I was in a park and I saw a kid flying kite and he was excited, i dont know why, it's a kite, that's what it's supposed to do. I would be impressed if he were flying a chair, you have to run like a motherfucker.

If the jokes go down Chuck, pick it up.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

My friend said to me "Man, the weather is really trippy." And I said "Perhaps it is not the weather that is trippy, but rather, the way in which we perceive the weather." And then I thought to myself, I should have just said "Yeah".

I bought a donut and they gave me a receipt for the donut. I don't need a receipt for the donut man, I'll just give you the money and you give me the donut. End of transaction, we don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a donut.

When I saw him at the improv in San Jose, the background was this fake brick wall, and Mitch said: "I like this wall, because it feels like I'm just standing in some alley tellin' jokes"

I think bigfoot is blurry, thats the problem.

I wrote a letter to my dad- I wrote, I really enjoy being here. But I accidently wrote rarely, instead of really. But I still wanted to use it, so I crossed it out and wrote I rarely drive steamboats, Dad. There's a lot you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator. This letter took a harsh turn right away.

I think pringles was originaly intended to be a tennis ball company, but on the first day a bunch of potatos were delivered, they're a laid back company, they said "fuck it, cut em up."

I was walking down the street with my friend and he said "I hear music" As though there's another way you can take it in. Your not special. That's how I recieve it too. I tried to taste it, but it did not work.

I had a friend and he said "you know what I like? Mashed potatos" It's like "dude, you have to give to me time to guess, if you're gonna quiz me you have to insert a pause."

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here.

If you wear a turtleneck and a backpack it's like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Don't even act like I didn't buy that donut. I've got the documentation right here. It's in my file at home under 'D' (for donut).

I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a girl who would get mad if she ever heard me say that.

Foosball fucked up my perception of soccer. I thought you had to kick the ball and then spin 'round and round. I can't do a backflip, much less several simultaneously with two other guys.

I have a friend who's a juggler. When I got his house, I feel like I can not eat his food if it is in threes. "Oh, he only has three oranges left. I guess I can't have one."

I had a bag of fritos, they were texas grilled fritos, these fritos had grill marks on them. Hell yeah! Reminds me of summer when used to fire up the BBQ and throw down some fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on, better flip that frito dad, you know how I like it. With grill markssss.

On his way to 5000 I see.

Who look just like me.