Help Improve This Guy's Resume
 

I work at the state employment office and I was going over this guy's work history when I saw this:


This is the exact wording on his resume. How would you re-word this? :D

Occupation: Chicken Killer

Description: I kill chickens, but not by choking them.

Chicken Terminator

Poultry Elimination Engineer

Occupation: Poultry Decapitation Specialist

Description: To efficiently remove the head of Gallus gallus domesticus as the initial step in the poultry preparation process. Duties performed in such a way as to maximize the quality of the final product and to minimize the work necessary by the Sanitation Engineers.

Please tell me you had to look up Gallus gallus domesticus. Please do that.

I like it as is, but I think I might add a little blood stain on the page.

Why would he have to look it up when it's perfectly obvious that he MADE IT UP.

Director of Poultry Collection and Decomissioning

Occupation: Poultry Dispatcher

Description: Utilized physical abilities, as well as a diverse range of tools and scientific knowledge, to efficiently relieve poultry samples of all vital signs on a daily basis.

Serial Killer Junior Grade

To develop an efficient and complete paralyzation of the human conscience in preparation for the strangling and butchering of human female sex industry workers

I would change it to:

Kitten Killer

I kill kittens.


At least then it would be funny.

Who says it needs improving? I think he explained himself pretty well.

Sweeet, the Wu Tang Clan is taking applications again.

Unless he still has the job shouldn't he say "I killed chickens"?

I remember reading one application for a legal secretary that described a previous job the applicant had at a hosiery factory. Not exactly relevant, but OK, it's a job. Then I got to the description - she worked with imperfect product, sewing two different halves of women's stockings together for resale. I probably would have just stopped with the general description.

"Don't Hire Me!"

Obviously, this was in his past work history, so it should probably be "I kilt chickens".

This guy sounds like a fowl murderer.

Agricultural Distribution Manager

Responsible for managing up to a hundred employees at a high stress, high volume agricultural firm and ensuring on-time, on-budget arrival of said employees to processing plant.

Wikipedia is my friend.

:D

That resume is the equivalent of "Snakes on a Plane"...

Occupation: Programmer
Description: I program

Occupation: Cook
Description: I cook

Occupation: Prostitue
Description: I screw you

Occupation: Politician
Description: I screw you

Maybe he's looking to moonlight?

Bad, but in a good way :D

SI

If he only chased the chickens around, he could probably pay a guy a couple hundred to change his name to "Liberator" or "Avatar" or something.

lol

No, no.

"Me love you long time."


Or else the terrorists win.

Occupation: Kitten killer
Description: I post on message boards.