My daughter died 2 years ago today.
 

2 years ago today, I lost my youngest daughter Cassandra Anne. Following "routine" surgery, her blood sugar dropped critically low and she suffered a major brain injury as a result. She never woke up. She was only 19 months old.

Recently, we learned from our attorney that we will not be able to file a wrongful death suit against the hospital or the doctors. 2 experts from Harvard could find nothing in the records that could prove actionable in a court of law. So, for now - and forever I guess - I'll have to hold the hospital and the doctors accountable only in my mind. I so wanted to go to court and sit in front of a judge and a jury of my peers and let them know how much I loved my daughter and how much I hurt from losing her. I don't want to get paid, I don't want to ruin someone's career, I just wanted to be heard.

I miss you, Cassie.

http://www.40akers.com

I'm sorry for your loss. That's heartbreaking.

Well I'm sure you'll be heard here if that makes a difference to you

That is my worst imaginable nightmare. I'm very sorry for your loss.

I remember seeing a thread like this last year and I can't believe it's already been another year. I think of her every once in a while when I see you post Todd.

Really sorry for your loss :( :(

I hear you.

Sorry for your loss Todd. I have an 11 month old, and couldn't imagine the loss. Thoughts and prayers.

I am very sorry to hear about your loss. My heart goes out to you and your family and your daughter.

Between your story and Icy's, I count my blessing every day I have with my children. I just can't imagine losing either one.

I learned a very valuable lesson during my daughter's delivery (she was our first): how much doctors are playing the odds. We ended up inducing due to how big the ultrasound was showing my daughter. Induction didn't work, and we finally had to go in for a C-Section. Due to screwups by the anestheseologist (there's a long story there, and he was the one incompetent I've dealt with in either delivery...), my wife had to be put under, so I had to wait outside. When it was all over, the doctor came out to dictate her notes, and it was very interesting overhearing her own report. Our daughter was a pound less than estimated, and we did not need to do the induction. And the doctor was kicking herself over it.

However, what if she had been even bigger? And worse yet, when they did the (planned this time) C-Section for our second (son this time), there was strong evidence that my wife would never have been able to deliver either one naturally. What if the induction had worked but then the delivery went wonky?

We got lucky both times. But it's amazing how much can go wrong at each step. My wife and I kept a very open mind, knowing you can't plan a delivery, and something still managed to slip by us: we never expected my wife to be under when we had our daughter.

Sometimes I wonder how ANY kid manages to make it. And it helps you understand how each and every child is such a miracle.

Todd, you and Icy have each lived my worst nightmare. You are both in my thoughts and prayers regularly.

I can not imagine the pain you must still feel........You have been through so much over the last two years Todd, your family will be in our prayers, especially today.

God bless you and give you strength, Todd.

So sorry that this happened....you're in my thoughts and prayers.

I can't even begin to fathom the pain you must be going through on a day-to-day basis. You will definitely be in my thoughts and prayers tonight.

You have a reservoir of strength that's really inspiring. Good luck and God Bless.

Todd, don't worry about not being able to tell a judge/jury about how much you loved your daughter. It is enough and infinitively more valuable to society that you tell us and others so that we can all realize how each child is a miracle, no matter how short their stay is on our little planet.

Todd, you're a man among men. I could only hope to be as strong as you one day.

also just realize you have a lot more than some people on this earth

Todd, we hear you.

Hang in there.

FM

I for sure hear you. I'm so sorry for your loss and can't even begin to imagine the pain you have to go through each day. I was reading your blog and I'm in tears right now. You've been through a lot and no one deserves it. You are one of the strongest people I could ever imagine to exist in this world. Your family are in my prayers tonight.

I can't imagine the pain of a parent losing a child. Unfortunately, I've seen more of it than I'd like.

A long time family friend was buried today. He died 30 years to the day after his father died. The last person to talk to him was his mom last Friday. He told her he was going to stop by and see her on Sunday. He didn't show, but his mom didn't think much of it. However, when he didn't show up for work on Monday, they went to his apartment, where he was found. He died in his sleep last weekend, more than likely sometime Friday evening. He was 39, and his mom's baby boy.

Hang tough, TZ. You are a great father and husband. You are an inspiration to us all. Know that Cassandra watches over her family each and every day.

TZ, being the father of an 11-month old little girl myself has changed the meaning of life for me forever. I thank my lucky stars each and everyday that she and my wife are healthy and I can't imagine what I'd do without them. I could only hope to be half the man you are if something were to happen to them...YOU and your family are definitely an inspiration to me.

I can't even imagine what something like that must be like. As others have said, we and I'm sure many others hear you. I wish your pain to be healed, even if just a little.

Very sorry for your loss, Todd. You and your family are in my prayers.

She was beautiful...

Is the other kid in your blog pics yours? I can't imagine what you have gone through, but I have a friend who's son died of leukemia. He has another son now and he was pleasantly surprised at how he has fallen for his new son. He actually admitted to me shortly before his new son was born how he was scared to death that he couldn't love the new kid, but when he saw him that fear was erased.

God bless...

Damn. I couldn't imagine having to go through something like this. You have a lot of strength, Todd.

Best of luck.

I am still amazed at the strength with which you handle this. Stay strong, Todd, and if there's anything I can do, Burke isn't that far from Ashburn, so let me know. You and your wife and daughters have been in my thoughts since I first learned of this last year.

/tk

I wish you and your wife the best in this tough time of the year. I won't even attempt to pretend to know what you are going through / went trough but am symathetic to it.

I'm very sorry man. I have two healthy sons and know it would kill me to lose either one of them. God Bless.

Very sad Todd, you daughter will be in my prayers. :(

I just saw this and I'm so sorry Todd. I'll be thinking good thoughts for you and yours and let me echo the sentiment, "we hear you" and are here for you.

:(

My condolences, Todd. I wish you guys the best.

+1

Todd, I also think of your family from time to time, remembering your post from last year. My 3-year old youngest daughter, Brooke, had to have a "routine" surgery as well, this past December, and she came through fine, but as I held her after she woke up (disoriented and screaming bloody murder :) ) I was crying. My wife and the nurses wondered what was the matter with me, and were assuring me that Brooke was fine.

I had been thinking of Cassie during the surgery, and praying that Brooke would be fine. And when she was fine, I was crying for you and your family.

You remain in my thoughts, and I insist on believing that somehow, Cassie is fine, and knows how much you miss her, and will be waiting to welcome you one day in heaven.


John

May God bless you during this holy season. I am sorry for your loss, but take comfort in that it is through this very holiday that we may all have eternal life. I pray that Cassie is resting in peace, and is in the arms of our lord.

I'm not a religious person, but I hope maybe I'm wrong so that you can see your baby in heaven one day. So sorry for your loss...

:(

I will give my girls extra love and affection today after reading this. People do listen. Hang in there.

I'm not a father, so I know I can't comprehend this pain; but I pray for you all the same.

I'm so sorry about your loss and totally understand how you feel, both about the loss and about the doctors, who has not found the cause of my baby's death after a year.

April looks a crap month for us, as you know, 3 days ago was the first anniversary of my daughter loss too. At least my wife is pregnant again so the anniversary has not been as bad as we thought. We have still a huge pain, but now we have hope again.

Todd & Icy, my heart goes out to you both.

My thoughts and prayers are with you both. I will give my little guy some extra love today!

TZ and Icy, peace to both of you.

My thoughts too, are with both of you.

It is events like this that make me realize how pathetically weak words can be. When the depths of our grief have no limit.

But one thing I do know, that when you surrender yourself to that powerful, perfect love you have for your daughter; when you let it fill your heart to its fullest, you know that this couldn’t be and isn’t the end. The love you have for your daughter is as real as she is. You know it, she knows it, and by the Grace of God you will be reunited again when it is time. Perfect love like this has no boundaries. It is too powerful to be confined by space and time. Perfect love like this isn’t an accident, so it must have been born by design for a purpose. A purpose that will be fulfilled when we meet again.

I pray for peace for you and your family through Jesus Christ our Lord.