The job or the girlfriend?
 

Since so much good advice has been offered on this forum, I thought I would toss out my sob story and hear what you all think I should do because I am perplexed.

I have had a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for the past two years. We met online and I visit her as often as I can, usually at least one weekend a month and during my longer breaks as I am a teacher. She also visits me during her breaks since she is in college still. Yes, there is an age difference. It doesn't seem like a big deal when we are together but I suppose 27(me) and 20 (her) is not insignificant. So I think we see each other a lot considering the circumstances but obviously its not the same as living together.

Now fast forward to the present. I really have no family where I live anymore and I am looking to move. She wants me to move to where she lives which is understandable and in many, many ways I really want to. I have 3 job offers there. Unfortunately, allt he jobs dont pay that well and in addition to that I have to pay for my own insurance on a stipend plan. God, I love working in private schools.

Where it gets complicated is my dad is in education and he offered me a job at his school where it pays more, I get insurance and he will give me a job title and more responsibility in a year or so which will beef up my resume and give me considerably more cash. Also, he is willing to have the school pay for my phd.

The girlfriend said she won't move out of her state to be wiht me cause she doesn't want to leave her family, friends or school. Basically she drew a line in the sand and said move her or move on.

So what do I do? I want to be with her, but I also don't want to sacrifice my professional goals and money.I am sure the answer is simple and I am overcomplicating things. Let me know your thoughts.

Job.

Edit for clarification: If she's giving you ultimatums now, she'll pull the same shit every time she wants something different than you want.

I would say job if the money is quite significant. You would be moving towards family too, so couldn't you say the same thing to your girlfriend too?

Paying for your PHD sounds like a very nice bonus though.

Definitely job. Why should you have to give up your family and job and she doesn't have to give up anything?

Job. With the age difference and relative immaturity, you're taking a big risk that may put you in a bad position. Call her bluff and see if she keeps that hard stance. If she backs off, then you can at least work things out. If she doesn't back off, then it wasn't meant to be and as someone else already said, you probably don't want to be in a relationship with her.

Not really sure you should be asking people online about something as important as this.

But since you asked, I'd go with the job.

Every situation is different of course, but based on what you wrote, I would say job. The red flag for me is the fact that she is 20. One would not typically expect someone that young to really (a) know what he or she really wants (b) want to be tied down in a long-term situation right off the bat.

Job job and job. Hands down, take the job offer from your dad. Never compromise your financial/job future for a girlfriend, no matter how hot she is or how cool she is, etc...

She also seems very attached to her family, so, lets say down the line and you decided to stay with her, what kind of opportunities for work are there where she is from? Probably not as good as the opportunity that your dad has presented to you I'm betting.

Or even worse, you do decide to stay with her and the only jobs are low paying and you two can barely make it financially, image the grief she's going to give you because you can't do this or that because you can't afford it.

Establish the career and financial foundation now, then worry about the girlfriend. Just my opinion. Hope it works out for the best for you.

I don't want to be a pessimist, but at 20, there is a really good chance she won't stick around anyway. Every case is different, but stats are against you guys staying together long term. So, be a realist and think about where you'll be 6 months to a year from now when you are no longer together. If you're ok with that (even after going through the trouble of moving close to her), then do it -- otherwise go with the job.

Job.

Dola - and what is it that is tying her to where she currently lives? Head of a major corporation or something?

i think to really decide (and i'm dissapointed no one has brought this up yet) we need

pixplzkthnx

Job.

in all seriousness-ness though i vote job too, much like everyone else.

Job, unless she is very good at giving jobs, in which case I might have to think about it.

Oh yeah, job all the way.

seriously, how come everytime someone on this board asks for advice on something importamt to them someone else chimes in with a comment like this?

There is a diverse group of people here and you have the ability to gain alot of different perspectives on an issue, I see nothing wrong with that.

As for your situation job is the obvious answer to me. Her age is an issue as well as her being stuborn. It seems to me the logical thing to do is her to move where you are since there is more oppritunity there for your future. Build yourself a resume for a few years then you are able to have alot more options, including moving closer to her family in a few years.

The prolem with someone who is 20 is they are living in the "now" not thinking about whats best for their long term future.

definitely job

The girl...











Just joking - the job, easy.

Job. If the relationship was really that important to either of you, moving wouldn't be an issue.

Definitely the job. Not only is it wrong for her to give you an ultimatum, but she is completely unwilling to move for you so you can have a better opportunity, yet expects you to move to her and give that opportunity up? No way...take the job, dump the girl.

Any time a girl is that interested in her family that she would want to choose being close to them over being close to you, I think you gotta bail. I wouldn't break up or anything, but if she loves you she will try to move closer and make it work. But at age 20 it's probably a safe bet that it isn't going to end well.

dola-
If you already have 3 job offers where she lives, it's quite possible that you could still find a better job nearby/closer to her, which would be the best of both worlds. Job and a woman.

Rather than just one more answer... here's a slightly different perspective.

You probably wrote that first post intending for it to be as balanced as possible, trying to not bias the responses. If you thought this was a very easy cal, you wouldn't bother asking for input.

And even given that effort to make it appear like a fair question... look how people have responded. Not 2-to-1, not even 3-to-1... but universally for "job." Maybe, in addition to telling you that's what people probably think in such situations (and I'd agree, incidentally) there's also something coming through in your presentation, even if it's unintended. Your description of the job opportunity is pretty positive, your description of the girl is unflattering. I don't think you did that on purpose... but that's how it reads. Maybe there's something to that in itself.

From where we sit, this is a no-brainer. If your brain is making the call here, it stays that way. Doesn't mean it will be easy to do, though.

Good luck, regardless.

In this case, I would say job.

(But, doesn't mean I would always say job over girlfriend...)

Hmm... on the one hand, you have a situation where you spend all day being told what to do, following orders, and basically being stripped of your individuality in order to please your superior, which will last until they don't need you anymore and boot you out the door without a second thought.

On the other hand, you have a job.

I'd go with the job.

If you have to ask, the answer is "job." When the answer to this question is not "job," it won't even be a question.

I'd offer my opinion, but I don't want to be accused of piling on.

get "some" before you tell her your decision

Job. At 20, most people don't know shit. I didn't know shit when I was 20. In fact it's generally not til around 25 that people really figure out who they are, where they're going and what they want to do.

To me, an ultimatum of this level may sound selfish on her part, but it really allows you to take the job without any difficulty, because the line she's drawn... if you choose her over the job, you'll hate her on some level for the rest of your life for making you give up a great opportunity.

This way, a red-flag relationship can end peacefully and move on, with only pleasant memories for both.

I agree with Quiksand. Look at this like you would look at movie reviews. If you go to Rotten Tomatoes, and half the critics love a particular movie, and half the critics hate it, or even a third of the critics hate it, you can't really conclude whether or not to see the movie purely based on the reviews. However, if EVERY critic enjoyed the movie, or hated the movie, you'd probably be wise to act accordingly.

VOTE JOB

I got to second this answer.

I also agree with QS on this point. The way the question was phrased was fairly slanted... but perhaps you slanted it because that is how you see it. If so, the choice is fairly clear cut. Either way you decide to go, good luck!

Once apon a time, I put a woman 1st, my career 2nd. Long story short, Choose the job.

Exactly. This wouldn't even be a question if the relationship was serious enough that you should consider the girl over the job. Also, long distance relationships are very different in many ways from more conventional relationships. Those two factors make it so that the job should win out in a landslide.

LWSFS: You must be really cocky and funny

Job.


This is very thoughtful, and along the lines I was thinking after reading the first post, so I'll try to add more, but somewhat different.

There's a trite saying that "marriage is about compromise." Now, I know you're not married to her, but frankly, there's a growing number of people in solid long-term relationships who aren't married, so I don't think it's beyond the pale to change the phrase to "long-term relationships are about compromise."

But what is compromise? Well, in this context, I don't think it's actually compromise, per se as most people think of it. I'd like to believe that when someone's in a healthy, long-term relationship, each partner would, due to love & respect, be willing to support and sacrifice for the other, within reason.

By way of example, take my wife & I, who have been together for over 10 years and married for almost 5. When we moved to Chicago, about 7 years ago, we did so largely because her friends & family were in the area and having that support network for her was important as we both re-started our careers after grad school. I wouldn't say I was necessarily thrilled with the choice, as I'm not a fan of big cities, but it was definitely the right choice for her and, upon further reflection, the right choice for us.

Now, however, we're both of the mind that if either of us got a great job offer not in the area, we'd be happy to go together and support each other. I think it helps, at this point, that we've got the same idea of places we'd live and not live, but the point is that our priority is to do what's best for each other and, most often as a result, for both of us together.

And that's the point, really. When the relationship is strong and well-founded, I feel there doesn't need to be a lot of this "drawing a line in the sand" stuff. Each partner is willing, out of love & respect for the other, to make changes and sacrifices for the good of the other, because the balancing of the good of the both is, ideally, for what you're striving, as a couple.

To bring this back to QuikSand's post, my initial reaction is that I'm just not seeing this kind of thought process from either of you in your original post. Given that, I'd have to say my advice is to take your career over what appears to be (as others have said) a likely non-permanent relationship.

Ditto...tough lesson learned.

I'm changing my vote. I hate anything being unanimous.

this is just my opinion...

I would be reluctant to take this job. You would be putting both your dad and yourself in a very bad spot if any coworker decides to scream favoritism. Just the fact you are being offered more then your apparent market would make me uneasy.

as always YMMV.

QFT

i think he might be saying the school in general pays more than other local schools (or schools where he might go). and perhaps paying for the phd is something they do for everyone?

When I was 24 I did the long distance relationship thing with a 20 year old college student. She really wanted me to move near her and find a job. The opportunities were not there and I found a decent job away from her. We broke up soon after. Since then I've discovered that my career options were pretty good and the girl wasn't a perfect match. Things worked out great and I'm glad I didn't just blindly follow the girl.

I am just guessing without knowing all the details.

I just wanted to throw out the issue of taking a job offered by a close relative.
It may or may not be an issue to consider.

j-o-b.

If you move somewhere specifically to be with a woman you better hope it works out. If it doesn't, then you're living somewhere you don't want to be, working a job you really didn't want and you don't even have what you went for in the first place.

Long-distance relationships generally don't last when you actually get together anyway...

LWSFS...one more vote for job...but it can still include girlfriend.

Obviously I only know what you've written, and no more. That said...this sounds like a "like you" relationship, as opposed to a "love you" relationship. Currently she has friends & family who she "loves" & would have to move away from that. Same for you. Regardless of whether you both say "love you", it sounds like "like you" is a little more appropriate term...and you should never change your lifestyle or goals for "like you".

EDIT: If you take your opportunity, and let her finish school & continue to see each other when possible...then see where things take you & whether you both feel the same way about your circumstances. But it sounds like the ultimatum is that she doesnt want to leave now, under current circumstances...not that you both should stop seeing each other. That's the route I'd take.

I'm sure there is probably more to it than that, so good luck with things, hope all works out best for you.

I'll spin it a bit differently:

Jobs can be a dime a dozen. I've chosen happiness over money several times in my career. Of course, I'm a game developer, so YMMV ;)

I hate making career decisions based solely on money / benefits / etc. That is one aspect, but will you like the job? If not, you're just moving on in a couple of years anyway when you can no longer stomach it.

If this girl is "the one" (or whatever you want to call it), you might be making a huge mistake to take a job that you'll ditch in a couple of years anyway and doing away with the relationship.

Of course, if she is that special, the original question would have been phrased "The job or the fiance/wife?". Her ultimatum sounds far more to me like "I'm sick of the long distance thing" than anything else.

FWIW, I met my wife while at school when I was a Senior and she was a Sophomore. I hung around after my graduation, taking a job in the area waiting for her to graduate. We got married shortly after we graduated, are still together 12 years (of marriage, 17 years of knowing) later, and have 2 beautiful kids. Once we got married, we decided together where to move for jobs, etc.

So my response: if you see her as a girlfriend, take the freakin' job you want. If you see her as potential Mrs. WhiteFoxFan, move to her, accept the job issue, and find out. If it doesn't work out, you can job hunt again. Remember the adage "I was looking for a job when I found this one."

Chalk another one up to "job" based on the description you gave.

I have only read the first post in this thread, but my gut tells me to go "job." As a female, and as a romantic, it's hard to say that, but I gotta believe that if this was going to work/is going to work, it won't be because you sacrificed a better job. A couple I know that just got married met when she was down here randomly for school (on a trip, not a long-term thing). Thy ended up dating, mostly long-distance, getting to see each other once a month ish (she lived in Canada, he in Maryland). In the end, they got married this past weekend.

If it's gonna work, it's gonna work.
If not...well, that happens too

/tk

Whoa... You're a chick?

Does that mean I gotta start putting pants on around here?