Fun time-waster: The Customer is Not Always Right
 

Not Always Right | Funny & Stupid Customer Quotes

My favorite so far:

no no

WINNER



Tech Support | California, USA
Caller: “When is my DSL install going to be done?”
Me: “In two days, sir.”
Caller: “My wife and children just died in a car accident yesterday. I need the internet sooner than that.”
Me: “I’m very sorry to hear that. I will provide you a complimentary dialup account until your DSL is installed.”
Caller: “But dialup is too slow…cancel my order!”
Me: “Sir, if I cancel your order and you wish to schedule service again later, there is a three week wait.”
Caller: “I don’t care! Do it!”
(The next day, the same customer calls back.)
Caller: “Hi, I need to know when my DSL is being installed.”
Me: “Sir, you canceled your order yesterday. Would you like me to reschedule it?”
Caller: “Yes, but I’m not waiting weeks for it, my wife is divorcing me and my kids need it for school.”
Me: “I’m glad to hear that your wife and children have recovered from the fatal car accident.”
Caller: *silence* “So…can I still get the dialup until my DSL is installed?”
Me: “Absolutely!”

ooof



Plumber | Olathe, KS, USA
(My dad is a plumber. One day while trying to fix a clog, he finds a whole bunch of condoms.)
Dad: “I found the cause of your clog. Next time, just throw away your condoms. They don’t dissolve, so it’s bad for the toilet.”
Customer: “But my wife and I don’t use condoms…”
(There’s an awkward silence as the customer mulls over what he’s just said.)
Customer: “I think I’ll be having a talk with my wife now.”

had a friend in high school that happened to, but instead of married... they were 15 and super religious!

That is hilarious, DT.

(It was the end of my shift, and an elderly woman comes over with two lampshades. They ring in at $3.50, and she pays and takes her bag.)

Customer: “Can I return these if they don’t fit my lamps?”

Me: “Of course. Just hold on to your receipt.”

Customer: “What if I lose them?”

Me: “We can give you store credit.”

Customer: “Oh no, that won’t do…”

Me: “Well…just hold onto your receipt.”

Customer: “…can I have 5 receipts? I’ll put one in my wallet, one in my purse, one in my fridge, one in my underwear drawer, and one with my husband’s ashes.”

Me: “…”

(The woman leaves with her 5 receipts.)

Co-worker: “That was a really important $3.50.”

When I worked at Disney World back in the mid-90's, I used to get this question all the time from guests - "What time is the 3 o'clock parade?"

(An older customer comes out of the fitting room wearing a black and red striped shirt with designs that look like piles of skulls.)
Customer: “I just think that this is so cute. What do you think?”
Me: “That’s a really interesting choice for a blouse.”
Customer: “Oh, I know. I just think these little flower designs are so pretty!”
Me: “Ma’am, those are actually skulls.”
(The customer looks a bit closer at the shirt before finally realizing what she is wearing.)
Customer: “Oh my Lord, I was planning on wearing this to church!”

LOLz!

And you didn't know. :D

Slightly different case, but I was holding an online webinar and waiting for the others (our sales reps) to log on. Only L has a headset; the rest are listening through speakers and using the chat feature. The set-up goes on for 10 minutes or so, and finally everyone's name appears, meaning all 5 are logged on.
Me: is everyone ready?
N: [text] Can you hear me?
L: We can't hear you, N. Do you have a headset hooked up to your computer.
N: [text] No.
L: So you don't have a microphone?
N: [text] No.
L: Well then, we won't be able to hear you.

Awesome.

Why Judgment Day’s Gonna Be A Cakewalk

Retail | Phoenix, AZ, USA
(I’ve just finished ringing up some items for a customer and her daughter.)
Me: “It looks like your customer card is about to expire. Would you like to renew it now?”
Customer: “Yes, I would.”
Me: “Okay, just press the green button on the key pad.”
(The total rings up as $24.32.)
Customer: “Okay, I want to pay cash.”
Me: “Okay…”
(We stand there for a few seconds as the customer continues to stare at the total on the register.)
Customer: “Well, what do I do?”
Customer’s daughter: “Are you serious?”
Customer: “Yeah, there is no cash button. What do I do?”
Customer’s daughter: “Mom.”
Customer: “What?”
Customer’s daughter: “Hand the poor woman your cash.”
Customer: *hands me cash* “I’m so sorry…I’m used to the machine telling me what to do!”
Customer’s daughter, to me: “She’s not too bright, but she is real pretty. She’ll probably die first when the Terminators come.”
Customer: “Smart a**!”




GOLD!!!

Me: “Thank you for calling [pool supply store], how may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, I think I may have a problem with my pool.”

Me: “Can you describe the problem?”

Customer: “Well, I reached into my skimmer this morning to clean it, and I got shocked so bad that I got thrown against the fence. So I went around to the other side and that skimmer shocked me too! What do you think is wrong?”

Me: “Sounds like there is a short in your electrical equipment. You should shut down all power to the pool and call an electrician right away.”

Customer: “So is it safe to swim?”

Awesome site.

I like this one since it's apparently from my province:


Me: *in the drive-thru* “Hello, welcome to ****. What can I get for you today?”

Customer: “Yes, hi, I was just wondering, what are your apple slices?”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, I don’t understand the question. Are you asking for the price?”

Customer: “No, I want to know what they are. On the menu it says ‘apple slices’. What are they?”

Me: “They’re…slices of apple, sir.”

Customer: “That’s it?”

Me: “Yes sir.”

Customer: “Oh. I thought maybe they were something fancier than that. Never mind.”

On the flip side, after dealing with Charter Cable for the past week or so someone probably ought to start collecting idiotic things said to customers.

Then again, most of those are so inane that they skip right past funny and go straight to surreal.

AWESOME!

Can't get enough!



(I’m ringing up a customer and notice her last name is the same as mine. I have a very uncommon last name, so I made the mistake of mentioning this…)

Me: “Your last name is [name]? Mine, too. Wonder if we’re related?” *chuckle*

Customer: *very serious* “What is your name?”

Me: “Oh, I was joking, we’re not related; almost all of my family lives up in New England.”

Customer: *more serious* “What is your name?”

Me: “Uhhh…I’m no–”

Customer: “Do you have a brother named [brother’s name]?”

Me: “Yes, actually…”

Customer: “Is your mother [mom’s name]?”

Me: “Uh, yeah…”

Customer: “And your father’s name is [my estranged father’s name]?”

Me: “Well, he’s my biological father, yes.”

Customer: *sticks out hand* “Nice to meet you, I’m your step-mother!”

(The entire line of about a dozen people behind her gasps, like they were watching a soap opera.)

Me: “Oh, God…please don’t tell my father I work here.”

Customer: “You know why your father left your mother, right?”

Me: “Uh…no?”

Customer: “Because she cheated on him with [my stepfather]!”

(The line behind her gasps again.)

Me: “Oh, okay…”

Customer: “You know, your father is very heartbroken about you. You’ve grown up to be such a beautiful young woman. You should call him and talk to him just so he can see how you’re doing.”

Me: “Actually, we don’t–”

Customer: “You and I need to go out for coffee sometime. I have a lot of stories to tell you.”

Me: “Okay, well–”

Customer: “I promise, I’m not an evil stepmother. Well, I’ll see you later, sweetie!” *bounces out the front door*

Me: *speechless*

Next customer: “Sweetie, are you okay?”

Me: *still speechless*

Next customer: “Why don’t you take a break? We don’t mind waiting.”

Entire line: “No! Go take a break!”

Me, to my boss: “Hey, I’m taking a break. I’ll be back in–”

Boss: “For God’s sake, go home! I’ll see you on Monday.”

I have a good one of those. I called Dell about getting my wireless router fixed last week. The guy told me to hook up the wireless router to the computer. I asked him if I should hook the wireless router to the modem, and he said no. Then he asked me if any web sites came up. I was all, "no, you told me not to hook up the router to the modem!" Obviously, I didn't get the problem fixed until I was transferred to someone else.

My guess is actually step daughter in that one ;)

SI

The Joy Of (Repeat) Checks

Computer Repair | Monticello, MN, USA
Me: “Sir, your computer is all ready to go. We got all the viruses off of it.”
Customer: “Question: do you get viruses from looking at porno sites?”
Me: “Yes sir, the majority of those sites contain viruses.”
Customer: “….hmm…well then, I’ll probably be back here soon.”

Honesty, gotta love it!

Becoming Familiar With Fiber

Grocery Store | Texas, USA
(My dad was standing in an express line at the grocery store. In front of him was a well-to-do-looking woman, who clearly had several more items than the limit.)
Dad: “You know, it’s amazing that someone who is apparently so successful can’t read.”
Woman: *in a huff* “That sign’s for regular people, not for me!”
(An old man behind my dad taps him on the shoulder.)
Old man: “Here, give her this.”
(My dad hands it to the woman.)
Woman: “What’s this?”
Old man: “Metamucil. It’ll make you regular.”


***


this one hit home with me because it's probably one of my biggest pet peeves

I like these stories, but I think most of them are embellished or made-up.

When I was in college, I worked in the photo lab in Wal-Mart. One night, I had this conversation at the One Hour Photo Lab:

Customer: When will my pictures be done?
Me: They'll be ready in 60 minutes.
Customer: But I thought this was a one hour photo lab?

:D

Is it any wonder that Schmidty doesn't work at Disney World anymore? :)

In the eternal quest to create new shit to annoy people, the over the allowed items in the express lane has been replaced by the idiots that decide it is faster for them to check out 70 items themselves in the self scanner lane.

I had an email from a customer today.

Due to a death in the family, I will be unable to pay for this item until August 31st since I can't access the internet or send emails.



Ooookay.

We had a customer recently write us a check for less than half of te total invoice we mailed out.

When I called the guy to discuss he replied, "I'm sorry it was my last check so I could not write it for the full amount"

I was so dumbfounded I just simply asked, when do you intend to pay the remaining balance.

[this is wat kills me] "I can pay it today because my new checks came in the mail, would you prefer a second check or to tear that one up and I write a new one for the full amount."

I didnt know what to say, and surprisingly both checks were good.

$800,000 house and not a brain in his head.

He probably goes to the local mall at christmas time and tells the kids that Santa isn't real. And the only thing real at Christmas is the Holiday Armadillo.

From personal experience:

Douche bag: Is that Captain Morgan Long Island Iced Tea really only 35 proof?
Me: Well, if that's what it says on the bottle then yes.
Douche bag: Oh man, that's nothing. When I'm tending bar mixing the rum, vodka, tequila, gin, triple sec and coke that stuff gets up over 100 proof!
Me: (To myself, not wanting to have to teach a math lesson) Uh, I don't think it quite works that way...

I've posted this before, but...

Working at a grocery store thru high school, so I am about 16 at this point.

Late, weekend night, about 10 pm...minimal people in the store

Walking past one of the aisles, customer calls me over

Customer "Can you help me?"
Me "Sure, I can try"
Customer "Can you tell me how much this is?"
(hands me box of roach traps)
Me "Let me look"
(walks to where he took them from the shelf)
Me "Hmmm...no sticker on the shelf for these, I can walk upfront..."
Customer "Yeah I saw there was no sticker...I thought maybe you could read the barcode for me"
Me "Huh?"
Customer "The barcode...can you read the barcode?"
Me "I can swipe this across my ass, and the price might light up in eyes"

Customer walks away.

Some bigger places do have people walking around with scanners, and I was actually taught how to read barcodes in compsci class, but you'd probably not be working at a grocery store if you could do that.

This would have about 1992, so I was happy we had scanners at the registers and not tags on every item.