Am I In The Wrong?
 

Earlier in the week my friend asked if he could stay for a week at my house. He and his wife had been having problems and they both agreed that maybe they need some time apart. So he asked if he could stay for the week and I agreed.

A little background on the guy, he and his wife have been married for 4 years and they have a kid on the way, due in February. The issues they have been having (coming from him) is that she doesn't have any friends, has no ambitions, and physically she has let her appearance go since they've been married.

He has a job where he has functions to go to after work and he has not been completely faithful to his wife. And he has this renewed sense of confidence that he can pick up chicks. He tells me about his stuff and I listen. Last night he told me that he invited a few people over Friday night. I was like, thanks for letting me know.

I tend not to get involved with married people's problems because I'm 30 and single and really have no grounds to tell him what to do.

Well I'm leaving for a trip the middle of next week and I told him he had to be out by then. And he wasn't too happy. Then I got to thinking, his brother lives a few miles from me and so do his parents, he could go stay with them. I just don't want my house turning into a party house while I am gone. But then I wondered if I am being a jerk in this whole deal. What do you guys think?

You agreed that he would stay for a week. You are doing a huge favor for him. Him not being ready to leave by the agreed time makes him totally in the wrong.

You're not being a jerk, he is. He should be using this time for some introspection and trying to figure out how they're going to go forward, instead of using it as a convenient opportunity to sow some more of his oats.

He & his wife should be in counseling, especially with a kid on the way. :(

I think that you have every right to tell him that he cannot stay at your house indefinitely. It is nice of you to give him some time to get his stuff together. But, with the possible exception of family, you don't owe anyone free lodging for weeks on end.

As for his issues, it sounds like his wife has depression, and that they are not dealing with it well. But, as you noted, it isn't really your business.

Short answer, you gave him a week. You are not being a jerk by not extending it, IMHO.

They have been for a few years now off and on.

The only reason i ask this is because i was out to dinner with him and one of his co-workers who knows about this situation and she berated me for throwing him out. Asking me what kind of friend am I.

If he's inviting folks over, he's starting to take advantage of the situation, and you should definitely keep to that "stay for a week" limit.

yup yup

I feel sorry for the child.


What a load of horseshit. Maybe she should put him up so he can avoid his issues at her house, not yours. And let's be clear - that's exactly what he's doing at this point.

Then she can have your friend stay at her place as long as he wants.

My Father in Law had a sort of similar thing happen. He has a house that he isn't using, so he was renting it out. And this woman got behind on rent. He's not a jerk, but he also wanted his rent, so he started putting pressure on her.

Then, all of her friends and family came out of the woodwork, telling him how this woman had these medical expenses and other "good" reasons (I forget the details) that she could not come up with the rent.

Funny thing was, none of them (her friends and family) were willing to help her out. They wanted her landlord--the one person with no personal attachment to her--to bear the burden of her expenses.

It is really really easy to tell other people how they should be good.

The landlord story ends well, btw. Her brother finally agreed to pay her rent. Which is actually another point for you--this guy will not be homeless when you kick him out. The reason that other friends/family have not stepped up is because you are doing it. It will be amazing how he will suddenly have options when you force him to.

The main reason is because I know the stuff that he does and won't judge him on it. I don't think his family has any idea what is going on. His family won't be as nice to him as I am. They'll let him have it for as far as how he is acting and how he is screwing up.

You've handled things perfectly.

Usually the scenario here is that the host would really, really want the friend out, but not have the balls to actually ask him to leave, so there's just this growing resentment between the host and the friend.

Instead, you were just like, "dude, get the hell out of here". He'll get over it, you stood up for yourself, this will definitely be better for everyone in the long run.

Hate to say it, but maybe that's a good thing for him?

Wait till he sees her after childbirth....

I can't understand why he didn't go to a relative's house in the first place. Probably, he wants a place where he can cheat but not have his family know. You were nice to put him up for a week, but I wouldn't allow him to extend the stay. It sure sounds like he is just using you.

+1

Personally I want to lay into him and tell him what an asshole he is. I understand the fact that maybe him and his wife grew apart but the screwing around behind her back is what I don't like. He texts and goes after other girls and tells me about it.

Like I said before, I don't like to judge people or get in his business because lord knows I am far from perfect. All my/our friends are married but me, i know i shouldn't fell obligated to take him in but in a way I do. I wanted to help him out, but it is becoming increasingly obvious that this week has become "play time" instead of a reflection time.

but if you're his friend you ought to be getting in his business. i mean if you're good enough friends with the guy to let him stay at your house...i dunno maybe it's just my friends, but anyone that i am that friendly with if i was being that much of an asshole i'd expect them to lay into me. and you can be damn sure i'd lay into them if the roles were reversed!

You should go over and fuck his wife.

I'm not sure I'd lay into the guy per se, but I'd definitely let him know that I felt uncomfortable hearing about his infidelity while hearing him in the same breath wonder why his marriage is on the rocks.

I had a friend who overstayed his welcome by about three weeks. One Sunday afternoon while he was napping in front of the TV on the couch, I disassembled the bed in the guest bedroom and moved it in pieces to store in the basement. He got the point and left a couple hours after his nap was over.

Tell Tiger to find his own damned place!

That woman that was giving you shit for making him leave is probably his latest piece.

I think you're doing the right thing. I would tell him how you feel about his actions.

He wishes she was his latest. And I immediately came back with..."well let him stay with you." She declined.

LOL

Put me in the camp that you aren't out of line. There is a reason he chose a single dude to stay with.

well played sir!

Sak, you are completely in the right here.

And cuervo, very well done.

Nope, he's wanting to use your place as the Party Palace.

Sounds like you're perfectly in the right.

Seems odd to me that a female co-worker would side with the guy in a situation like this. Usually this sort of thing splits across gender lines. Unless she's who he was planning on meeting at your place this weekend- I don't usually think that way but it was the first thing my mind jumped to (tho you addressed that above).

"What kind of friend are you": Sounds like a fight of people in high school, not co-workers. But I find myself often thinking that "real life" is more and more like high school than I ever imagined (or wanted it to be, frankly) as so few people ever "grow up" and that's coming from the guy who is this board's resident expert on Pokemon!

SI

Is helping a friend out like that in general a bad idea?

An old college buddy of mine (he dropped out freshman year but we're still good friends) has an open offer to come stay with me now that I've got a three bedroom house and it's only me living there. Basically, he lives in the northernmost part of Wisconsin where there's basically no opportunities and he's turned to drinking probably more than he should.

I'd like to see him get out of there. He's actually a pretty reasonable guy so I'm not too worried as I've had the offer to him for about a year now and he hasn't taken advantage of it. Recently he called me and said he's seriously considering it as I think he's hitting the bottle even harder now.

I'm guessing I'd just have to set up some boundaries and expectations. Sitting around getting drunk all day won't be part of the deal.

i don't think it's a bad idea at all - as long as you have some end goals

I think I would be more at ease with this situation had he been thrown out by his wife and she was the one doing the cheating.

I also agree you are doing the right thing. I Kinda look at it the same way as DT, you should at least let him know that what he is doing is wrong. As a friend you owe him that much. After that though, I wouldn't mention it again unless he brings it up again. In any case, a week is more than generous and as others here have said, it looks like he is just using your place as a bachelor pad.

This.

What a f'd up situation to be born into. Having a child was one of the greatest things that has happened to me so, I just can't understand people's behavior sometimes. I know things don't work out between couples, things happen, but with a child on the way and him treating this like his personal play time, I wouldn't worry too much about pissing him off since he pretty much seems to just care about himself at this time. Go ahead, judge him. I think more people need a swift kick in the balls to make them understand how much of an idiot they are at this point in their life rather than everyone shrugging.

+1

I also would like to add that the age of political correctness has done this to us, especially men. We are not allowed to tell someone that they are fucking up, and society dictates that we are not manly enough if we don't act like a real man (i.e., cheat on our significant other, drink gallons of alcohol, and watch porn).

I hate the PC shit that has taken over this country, if you can't tell.

Weird. I thought a "real man" was loyal, knows when to say when and stayed faithful to his relationships with his significant other and family.

Has political correctness switched to the other side where it's more PC to be a jackass?

Drinking to excess, chasing tail, and watching porn is PC? I may have to rethink a few things.

How in the fuck did that become a rant about political correctness? And how in the same Hell did political correctness say:


Seriously... what the everliving fuck?

It would certainly clear up this guy's calendar for more reflection and less playing around time ;)

SI

I think it is a two-edged sword. It is "cool" to be a jackass and cheat, get high/drunk, and staple your ass cheeks together, and although nobody wants to admit it, these things on television are ok. When someone does this out in the world, so to speak, it doesn't seem that we are allowed to call them on how stupid it is. We aren't being forgiving enough, or understanding enough, or supportive enough.

I am probably not explaining it very well, so forgive me.

Ya, I think the point is right RomaGoth but I think the blame goes to "American culture" rather than "P.C."

I would have thought it was our litigious society where people would be afraid to do something for fear of being sued.

Or a more isolated society because, while we can email people around the world, we don't even know our own neighbors like we used to.

Or a more selfish or socially darwinistic society that puts ones self ahead of everything else because only the strong survive and we should only be looking out for ourselves.

But PC? Really? PC's a lot of things but this hardly seems like one of them.

SI

I read it as him saying "real man" in quotes. But maybe I'm the only one who thought that way?

Well for what it's worth I find what is shown on TV as people my age having fun is far from what my social group, and most social groups I'm aware of, actually do.

What I am saying is that Dr. Sak probably feels like if he says something to his friend about what he is doing is fucked up, he will be attacked by others who say he is not being understanding, supportive, etc....and the woman they were with at dinner (or whatever it was) seems to back this up. That is what I meant by the PC issue...

Yeah I forgot the quotes. Thanks Jon.

But aren't these two things really intertwined as to be one and the same, at least at some level?

OK, so you're saying it's not PC to be judgmental. I could buy that. Just look at the Tiger situation. So many people's first response to those who were disappointed in him was "So you're perfect, huh?" which just misses the point altogether.

No, I think they're the opposite.

P.C. is going overboard doing something "correct". Like saying "holiday party" instead of "Christmas party".

Edit: Oh, Ronnie Dobbs2 I think figured it out. You're not talking about his behavior being P.C., but that it's P.C. not to get involved in someone's life in a judgmental way.

See that's my point. I am far from a perfect person and have done somethings that I regret now. So I don't feel that I have the right to judge him or tell him that he's screwing up.