Grandpa
 

We can't bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. One trick is to tell 'em stories that don't go anywhere - like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. "Give me five bees for a quarter," you'd say.

Now where were we? Oh yeah. the important thing was I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones...

Grandpa Simpson?

My story begins in nineteen-dickety-two. We had to say "dickety" because the Kaiser had stolen our word "twenty". I chased that rascal to get it back, but gave up after dickety-six miles. (the children laugh) What are you cackling at, fatty? Too much pie, that's your problem! Now, I'd like to digress from my prepared remarks to discuss how I invented the terlet...

My grandpa had some great quotes, but none were like this. So yes, Grandpa Simpson.

Talking out of turn...that's a paddling. Looking out the window...that's a paddling. Staring at my sandals...that's paddling. Paddling the school canoe...ooh, you better believe that's a paddling.

Not Grandpa, obviously, but close!

Ah, there's an interesting story behind this nickel. In 1957, I remember it was, I got up in the morning and made myself a piece of toast. I set the toaster to three - medium brown.

Dang it. That would have been awesome if it really was your grandpa. I always threatened my step daughters that if they married an idiot, I would act just like Grandpa Simpson.

I'm filled with piss and vinegar! At first, I was just filled with vinegar.

You're ignorant! That's the Wright Brothers' plane! In Kitty Hawk in 1903, Charles Lindbergh flew it 15 miles on a thimble full of corn oil. Single-handedly won us the Civil War, it did

I need my pills. Hello!!??! I'm cold and there are wolves after me.

Call me mint jelly, 'cause I'm on the lam!

The last time the meteors came, we thought the sky was on fire. Naturally, we blamed the Irish. We hanged more 'n a few