So I found a cell phone
 

I was taking a dump at work and I found a cell phone on the floor next to the toilet - a cheap pink clamshell phone. I can't possibly just let it sit there, so being the nice guy that I am I go through it to try and identify the person to whom it belongs so I can return it. The call history and contact list didn't really help so I checked out the archived texts, both sent and received.

Well, the guy who owns this phone is a racist misogynistic piece of shit who cheats on his girlfriend, doesn't pay child support on either of his 2 kids, blows all of his money on drugs and alcohol, and loves pictures of chicks with huge asses.

What to do, what to do...

He's got all that on his phone?

You've got to fuck with him. I can't see any other options.

**EDIT: I mean, a pink fucking phone? Good God.

Dynasty thread.

Fuck with him and his contacts.

Pick a couple contacts at random and text them that you've been "confused by feelings" you've had about them lately.

Start sending texts that he is going to go in for gender reassignment surgery and that people should get used to calling him Nancy.

Change his ring tone to Baby Got Back.

I hope the twist at the end is that you realize this is your phone.

This could totally be turned into a Memento 2 plot.

The truth will set you free. Not you, but this other guy with the pink phone. He needs some truth in his life.

More likely plot is Toddzilla harasses this guy and then finds out it's his boss. Or his best friend.

Or like that one Liam Neeson movie.

If you want to be more practical, maybe just forward some of the incriminating texts to his girlfriend, call it a day, and leave the phone where you found it.

Find a sign that is at the US/Mexico border that says, "Welcome to Mexico!!" and then send that pic with a text caption "Almost home free!!".

Todd's probably going to get a beat down from a large black dude(playing the percentages on the big asses part) who probably isn't racist. I'd make sure to silence that ringer.

Toddzilla = Tyler Durden?

I can barely stomach touching the door handles in a public restroom.

I'm impressed that you picked something up from a bathroom floor.

Man... not that it matters but is this guy white or black?

You could always do horrible vile things to the phone and then give it back to him. Think stink palm, but worse and more creative.

Honestly, this is what I'd do. Karma and all.

And honestly, if you were the other party in that relationship don't you think you'd want to know?

It seems like fucking with this douche is the way to go, and being the lazy sort, I think I may just call up his children's mother and say I have so-and-so's pink phone if you want it. Let her go through all the shit that's on it.

Oh, I did get one call on it about a half hour ago. I answered it with a very effeminate "helooooooooo?" and they hung up.

This thread has potential. Don't let us down Toddzilla!

Is it possible to send pics on that phone?

because you could always send to everybody the pics of the asses. or take a shot of your junk & send it to people, then just put the phone back where you found it.

I texted the girlfriend and now all of a sudden she's very protective of her man. GIVE THE PHONE BACK NOW! ANSWER THE FUCKING PHONE!

I may have to take a picture of my cock and send it to this chick right before i flush this down the shitter

Ya know Todd its a shame that when you went to flush the toilet, the cellphone fell in and was gone before you could do anything about it...Not very fun I suppose, but an appropriate resting place based on what you found on it.

Hmmm I see you had the same idea

text her back about the things her man's been hiding from her.

is there copy & paste functions on texting?

if you have to take another dump, text her that he can find it in the john, where he left it. but put it in the unflushed bowl sitting right on a big turd. then watch for the guy with the pink phone & you'll know.

you can also put the phone in your asscrack & know that you stinkphoned him.

Oh, this is going to be the stinkiest stinkphone in the history of stink.

and phones.

So if you took a dump at work, the guy can't narrow down that you may have found the phone, right?

Keep the phone. Purchase a one time use phone from Best Buy, put all the relevant contacts from the pink phone in it. Take it with you places and take its picture with a rope tied around it next to road signs, landmarks, etc. Send the pictures from that phone to everyone on the contact list that you added to the new phone. When you call people, tell them "This is evil phone, I have your precious pinky".

Finally, send one last message with the new phone to the contact you most believe would try to retrieve the phone, then put the two phones in the same place, with the new phone holding a knife to the pink phone. Give them the coordinates, tell them they have 3 hours or Pinky gets it.

You could also not steal, destroy or vandalize somebody's property.

That's a pretty awful idea imho.

I think it would be pretty funny if this guy somehow tracked you down and gave you a massive fucking beatdown. :D

Come on man, just give Rush Limbaugh his phone back.

Damn Dudley Do-Right.......

This is, I do believe, sorta how karma works. Or something like that.

Of course, given the indications we've got about the phone owner's character thus far, he would administer said beatdown and then step in front of a bus or something. THAT actually seems to be more like how karma works. In the end, there really isn't a winner.

:popcorn:

Not sure the need of vigilante justice over a found cell phone, frankly.

It would be an interesting twist if the phone was his girls phone and she was the one cheating, and he took the phone this morning, read the messages she had been getting on the shitter, and sat it down before going somewhere to cry.

Toddzilla may not be the hero we need, DarkCloud, but he is the hero we deserve.

Honestly - a pink clamshell phone...maybe that wouldn't be the most surprising twist...

Indeed. His girl likes girls with big asses.

I didn't say it would be surprising. I'm no Shyamalan.

Yep.

Come on. The guy might be an ass, but you're a bigger ass for even posting the stuff you have. Are you a fucking cop? Are you an official PI?

You just sound like a bitter asshole who found a way to soothe his own ego.

I don't think you are that kind of guy, as you have helped me big-time in the past year, but I'm being blunt and saying what you appear to be in this situation.

The fuck?

Calm down Nancy... he hasn't given any specifics. You'll get your phone back soon.

Wow, leave it to Schmidty to ruin it for everyone.

+50