DAY 10
Weekends are brutal. I would posit that it is like a recovering coke addict heading back to Studio 57 after a month in rehab. All week long I am in a controlled environment where I get up, go to work, return from work and spend the night in my house. On the weekend, way different. Drive small humans around to random sporting events. Go to big box retailers. SLOWLY DRIVE BY CONVENIENCE STORES.
Sometimes your mind plays tricks on you. Sometimes you walk into a Cold Stone Creamery because getting the ice cream with the family is A-OK. Sometines you order the COFFEE COCK GOBBLER XPLOSION because in order to feel whole you have to consume coffee in every form available. THAT'S OKAY, YOU AREN'T AT STARBUCKS. CHECK! Sometimes you get ahead of yourself and order the size they call I FUCKING LOVE IT because for the love of god you DO LOVE coffee ice creams and caramel and heath bars and for fucks sake THESE THINGS AREN'T ON THE NO NO LIST.
NOM NOM GLORP SNARP
Then you realize, you stupid fucker, you just ordered the Cold Stone Crackhead equivalent of a large, violating shitty habit commandment #4 (no ice cream, except when out with family, and then only a small). Oh and those delicious little Heath Bar pieces in there? CANDY BARS (#9).
So I do what any normal chubby suburban middle aged guy would do, I jam my fist down my throat and bulimicize the sidewalk next to my car. And then I wake up from my sugar induced coma realizing that was just a dream and its too fucking late to undo the damage.
That was Saturday. The upside of Saturday was I managed to follow all of my other rules. In fact, I went to a Nats game that evening and had a few beers (ALLOWED) and had half a thing of Boardwalk Fries (NOT BANNED YET) and it was still just 8:45p. Wait. DAMMIT. ANOTHER RULE BROKEN.
In this case, I am giving myself a break though, since my bed time is 11pm on weekends, so I can probably bump my no eating after 8pm rule to 9pm. But I have to tighten up a little. Got home a little late from the game too, but was in bed pretty quick.
Questionable stuff I did this weekend that is not yet on the list: ate out at Famous Dave's, ate out at Chipotle, ate out at Cold Stone Creamery, ate out at Nats Park, got Bagels for our house guests at Chesapeake Bagel Bakery (technically, ANOTHER RULE BROKEN), got takeout from Listrani's Italian. Sensing a pattern here? Me either. There is no pattern, because weekends are fucked and unpredictable. But at least there's a bright side. I really didn't stay up late. I didn't eat ice cream every day. I stayed out of Starbucks. I didn't touch soda. I DID NOT ENTER A CONVENIENCE STORE.
Any other weekend, I would be a 120 oz deep in Coke Zero, $20 deep into Starbucks, and balls deep into a pint of Ben & Jerry's. Small victories.
ON TO THE NEXT ONE (and Sunday was almost perfect, so one angr face)
1. No soda.
2. No Starbucks.
3. No Convenience Stores.
4. No ice cream.
5. No eating after 8pm.
6. No staying up late.
7. No cookies.
8. No buying breakfast.
(Chesapeake Bagel Bakery carry out)
9. No candy bars.
10. No gorging pizza (2 pieces per day)
You thought I would give up pizza? What do I look like? An anorexic supermodel that hates herself? I am not giving up pizza. I am giving up being a disgusting twat. Because what I normally do is eat 4-5 pieces. Friday night I had three pieces and would have had two more if my body hadn't tricked me by FALLING ASLEEP IN THE LAZBOY. Dear. God. My body has NO OTHER DEFENSE.
There is never going to be any reason that I need to eat more than two pieces of pizza. EVER. Still hungry? FUCK YOU. YOU JUST ATE SIX HUNDRED CALORIES, MINIMUM. Love the taste? EAT SLOWER, NOM NOM BOT. If I keel over because I didn't eat that third piece of pizza, then I probably am not meant to live a full life anyway. The third piece of pizza serves absolutely no purpose other than to confirm that I am an undisciplined piece of shit. I mean, not to set my man card on fire or anything, but am I going to turn to a life of swapping macrame afghans if I supplement my pizza with a salad once in a while?
Yes, when made the right way, pizza is probably the best food ever. But they make BILLIONS OF IT. I don't have to eat it all at once. Just two pieces. Slowly. Take a deep breath.
WE ANSWER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS FROM OUR READERS
"Is your wife overly pleased with the new you and supporting it in a way a wife should...with more nookie?" - miked
That will probably correspond with 17) Stop being a fatass.
"I do okay with breakfast until someone brings a box of donuts into work. There are plenty for everyone, but I still see the others cutting a donut in half in a show of restraint. Meanwhile, I *must* grab an entire donut, and then *must* refill my coffee or water bottle 30 minutes later giving me an another excuse to head down to the kitchen. Clearly, I know I should be ashamed (e.g. the need for an excuse), but I'm unable to stop. Maybe I hungry when I grabbed the first one, but certainly not for the second." - Masked
People who cut donuts in half are fucking psychopaths. You are way ahead of the game.
"It turns out we are apparently the exact same person." - primelord
I got a ticket the other day for waiting a month to get my car inspected and I thought that I might just be the most lazy procrastinating asshole in the world. Then I remembered all the awesome stories you have told me about some of your stuff and I knew I had a soul brother #1 out there.
"Also, alot of these are quite specific and are probably going to get broader as you go along. I mean, like you said earlier, you can stop going to Starbucks but what about Dunkin or other coffee places. Likewise, no candy bars is an awesome goal, but won't you just replace it with like little debbie cakes in the checkout line or something silly?" - miked
Dunkin donuts coffee tastes like donkey cock. There is no way I could drink that. But point taken. I'll take this list to 9000 if I have to do it.