DAY FIFTEEN
Here is how I have done over the past few days with each thing on my list:
1. No soda = this has been pretty easy. I have been drinking sparkling water instead, which tastes like an actuary's balls, but is still better than soda. My heart palpitations and nutrasweet brain lesion fueled headaches seem to be completely cleared up, too.
2. No Starbucks. = FUCK THESE FUCKING SCAM ARTISTS. I guess this how someone feels when they get away from Scientology or Mary Kay. HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO BRAINWASHED FOR SO LONG? Who the fuck pays $2.50 for a cup of coffee? Or $3.50 for a little breakfast sandwich? Overpaying for Starbucks does not make you a BALLER. It makes you a SUCKA. Well, needless to say, I don't miss the $5 caffeinated milk drinks at all.
3. No Convenience Stores. = I don't think I understood how huge this is. Convenience stores are my Kevin Bacon of bad habits. Most of the dumb shit I did was linked to convenience stores. HOW CONVENIENT. For whatever reason, I feel stupid going into a grocery store for a quick convenience item (OH I AM GOING TO MACK ON THESE LARABARS!)
4. No ice cream. = Side benefit of only getting ice cream while out with family (which I have only done once) is that I am way less mucusy, less congested than before. That has immediately translated to SNORING LESS. If you want the "getting laid" quotient to go down precipitously in your house, try snoring some time.
5. No eating after 8pm. = What a ridiculous difference this makes. This could, no lie, be a 1000 calories difference every day for me. And that 1000 calories usually was ingested within an hour of falling asleep. I was seriously worried that I was going to snap with this one, but I think I only technically broke the rule twice, once while eating in my car (enjoy it while it last, slobby fucker!) and once at a Nats game on a weekend. I will pay a billion dollars to anyone that dies from not eating after 8pm. If you are so hungry that you commit suicide, then that's on you. Sorry.
6. No staying up late. = This has been the hardest one to control.Why? What the fuck is special about staying up late? For a forty year-old man there is NOTHING FOR YOU after 10pm on a weeknight. NOTHING. The silver lining is that I am not ever staying up past midnight, which used to happen pretty much every night.
7. No cookies. = I might as well have given up unicorn wrangling. I have not even SEEN a cookie since I gave them up. Part of it is that I am eating out less. I am also not going to convenience stores or Starbucks. I still love cookies though and if my wife were to randomly make them I would eat them. Weird. In the past it seemed like I was shoving cookies in my CAKE CRUSHER every other hour, on the hour.
8. No buying breakfast. = After a week of going off the fucking reservation, I added this little one in. I have been pretty happy with the results. The change has forced me to stop by the grocery store every morning and buy breakfast (usually oatmeal, banana, juice) and snack (clifbar and another banana) and lunch (bagged salad) all for LESS than I was paying to eat breakfast out. NOW I AM ADDICTED TO GROCERY STORES.
9. No candy bars. = I was raiding a co-worker's office the other day because she has these delicious little Dove chocolate miniatures that she keeps PERMASTOCKED in a bowl on her desk. I am not lying when I say I grab ten at a time sometimes and eat them all. BUT WAIT. THESE ARE JUST MINIATURE CANDY BARS!! MOTHERFUCKER! So pretty much no chocolate for me now - except for M&Ms. And I really do have a problem there. But at least I am eating 10 less candy bars per week now. Maybe I won't have to get my leg amputated after all!
10. No gorging pizza = I am just getting 18" New York style pizza from here on out. Make the most of those two pieces. Actually, I have not been tempted yet, but with the weekend on tap, I know it is coming. I MUST BE STRONG.
11. No food from work kitchen. = Some dude had a birthday party at our office the other day and left a massive birthday cake in our office. Killer frosting, frosting balloons on it, ALL MY FAVORITES. In days of yore, I would have had a MASSIVE piece, right off the bat, then mosied back to the kitchen for two more pieces throughout the day. Sorry, birthday cake...YOU ARE IN THE KITCHEN. I CANNOT EAT U. We also had a catered lunch in the office yesterday, which always means a tray of baked treats. Without fail, I eat 5-7 things (cookies, brownies, cheesecake, etc) from that tray by the end of the day. Yesterday it took all of the willpower I had. But once the catered lunch was over, they put that tray in the kitchen. That's all I needed. SORRY BAKED GOODS, U WILL NOT GO IN MY TUMMY. KITCHEN IS DANGER ZONE.
12. No sleeping in (out of bed at 6am). = This might be the best thing on the list. Getting up early and getting shit done is indescribably awesome. Sleeping in while your kids try to make eggs and set the house on fire is not.
13. No skipping exercise.= Early returns are in, and I've done this for three days in a row. Fat guy exercises...YAY! Let's not get too excited here.
14. No sports drinks = I usually get killed on the weekends, so the jury is still out.
And on to the next:
15. No more caffeine abuse
As I have alluded to before, I ingest an absolutely SICK amount of caffeine every day/ While I may have cut back a little with the soda going away, I still drink 40 or more ounces of coffee every day, plus iced tea when available. While I am a firm believer in the salutary effects of caffeine, I also think it is one of those things that can be bad for you if you have too much. Plus its a huge fucking crutch. You don't need caffeine, you need to stop being such a lazy bag of dicks. You crave caffeine because you don't get enough sleep, you eat too much shit that's bad for you, and your body hates you and wants to shut down every chance it gets.
I don't even know if I love coffee, but I certainly act like I do. I mean, aside from the yellow teeth, sour stomach, heart palpitations, DAD RAGE, and hooker breath. Other than those things, it's completely awesome. I don't NEED to drink that much and I sure as fuck don't need to drink it at night. For fuck's sake, unless I am driving on a highway at 2am, I need to abstain. Too much of it fucks up my sleep, makes me dehydrated, and so on. So for the time being, NO MORE than two drinks with caffeine, per day. Hopefully cutting my intake in half (and not drinking it after 8pm) will help. I CAN'T RIDE THE DRAGON ANYMORE. I CAN'T. I WON'T.
WE ANSWER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS FROM OUR READERS
"pathetically late to the party here, but I'm rooting for you, fellow baller" - Quik
I'll be calling on you when I get to the part where I need to trade in my pathetic wardrobe for some BALLER WEAR.Faconnable shirts >>> golf shirts.
"Unless you are taking part in HARD physical exercise for more than an hour at a time you do NOT NEED sports drinks EVER. They are horrible for you unless you are ACTUALLY doing heavy cardio exercise." - RendeR
Plus all that sugar will cause SUGARBEETUS.
"Seriously, l'm really enjoying this dynasty. I hate to chime in like a lot of others, but you've pretty much summed up my life here." - gkb
I know there is a movie idea in here somewhere. I also know no one would go to see that movie.