[Subby]

DAY SEVENTEEN

So I pulled up to a stoplight today and was not eating. And the hot college chick in the car next to me GOT OUT OF THE CAR so she could come talk to me. If I had been eating something, that would have never happened.

"I noticed you've only had two cups of coffee today."

I nodded in wonderment.

"And you don't smell like a quarter pound big bite or xtreme taquito."

She could obviously tell I had not been to a convenience store in WEEKS.

"Where are the Starbucks bags and empty coffee cups that are usually rolling around on your floorboards?"

I wasn't sure. They seemed to have magically disappeared.

"What time did you go to bed last night? If you say 10pm, that will be so hot. I WILL PROBABLY STICK MY TONGUE IN YOUR EAR!"

That was too much for me to handle. So my penis exploded and I woke up and shambled into the bathroom instead. I got back in bed and tried hard to fall back asleep so I could go back to the world where hot college girls thought middle aged guys were hot. But I know better. I'm OLD. MIDDLE-AGED. No matter what I do outside of winning the lottery or changing my last name to Buttafuco, I am still going to be a regular middle-aged guy.

But honestly, who gives a shit. Is there anything worse than the guy my age at my local pool who hits on the teenageed girls. SO CONCERNED FOR THEM. He listens to all of their problems WITH DEEP INTEREST. He is in good shape and probably only has one bad habit - HITTING ON TEENAGED GIRLS. Probably better off to stay invisible to them and stay out of jail. Short term not as fun, long term much better.

It's called GROWING THE FUCK UP AND STOP BEING THE MANCHILD THAT NO ONE RESPECTS. Oh boohoo - life is boring, you have to get up and go to work every day and provide for your family. SO SAD FOR YOU. As Louis CK says - "no one cares about 40 year-olds. Shut the fuck up and do your job."

And that's my disjointed rant about creepy middle aged guys!

On to the next habit!

1. No soda.
2. No Starbucks.
3. No Convenience Stores.
4. No ice cream. (unless out with family, then only small)
5. No eating after 8pm.
6. No staying up late. (10p week/11p weekend)
7. No cookies.
8. No buying breakfast.
9. No candy bars.
10. No gorging pizza (2 pieces max)
11. No food from work kitchen.
12. No sleeping in (out of bed at 6am).
13. No skipping exercise (30 min per day cardio min.)
14. No sports drinks (unless after exercise)
15. No more caffeine abuse (2 drinks per day max)
16. No eating in the car.
17. No neglecting oral hygiene.

Oh you thought this was going to be all about eating? This is not a diet dynasty. This is about bad habits and this is probably one of my worst. It is simple. Brush twice a day, floss once, MINIMUM. But no, I cannot be bothered to even do the minimum. NO TIME, TOO BUSY. How hard is it to spend five minutes every night flossing (I have the easy to use plastic floss picks), brushing (I have the mackdaddy SonicCare brush), and rinsing (YAY CREST!)

TOO MUCH BOTHER.

So I have terrible teeth, lots of fillings. I often don't brush in the morning which means I am probably one of those people that has sewer breath (NOT HELPED BY COFFEE). In fact, if my breath is as bad as the OTHER people in my office that drink coffee, then my wife has every right to punch me in the balls with both fists. The health risks are ridiculous. Plus people without teeth look like fucking freaks. NO OFFENSE FREAKS, TRY BRUSHING.

It's probably too late for me, but I swear to fuck I am going to stop being like my 11 year-old who melts down every time I ask him to brush his teeth. Honestly, 41 is way to old to be throwing passive aggressive temper tantrums. I DON'T LIKE BRUSHING AND YOU CAN'T MAKE ME SO I WILL CAUSE ALL OF MY TEETH TO FALL OUT. Oh, and I will have a heart attack because of the plaque buildup. AWESOME!

You wanted shitty habits? This is a shitty habit. This is the most embarrassing habit so far, BY FAR. A grown man that can't even take care of his own mouth. Ridiculous.

WE ANSWER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS FROM OUR READERS

"This is by far the most entertaining dynasty I've read in YEARS." - Kodos

I love that this is a dynasty. I AM CHARACTERIZED BY SUSTAINED GREATNESS!

"This, for sure. I play tennis at least once a week. Hell of a workout, and I don't even realize it" - korme

I spend enough time with people, running is awesome alone time. I don't want to get away from my family just so I can go out and hang out with OTHER people. I mean yes I do love hanging out with my family. [ED NOTE: Please delete this from television script]

"This thread made me hungry for tacos. Off to Taco Bell I go." - Izulde

I am sad for you that you live in a place where that is your go to place for Tacos. To be fair, if it is 10pm at night, I am right there with you. OR WAS (bustamove).

"To get around #4, buy the Italian Ice packs found in your local grocery. One of the brands has only 100 calories in each cup. It's an excellent substitute for ice cream. And oh, the Weight Watchers ice cream bars don't suck either" - Blackadar

Very cool with what works for others, but this is not a weight loss dynasty for me. If I had those in my house, I would eat them all. I just need to change my behavior, and replacing heroin with methadone probably isn't going to do it. Only getting heroin with the family at a local heroin establishment is the only way for me.

"Skinny Cow Ice Cream sandwiches are where it's at." - DaddyTorgo

Yes, plural. Preferably four and then we'll see how we feel.