I get in 'till the sunrise
Going 90 in a 65
Windows rolled down screamin' out
Hey-ey-ey so paid
Number one hustler gettin' money
Why you wanna count my money
Payday always feels wonder, despite my pittance. I always play this song, and rap my favorite verse as I spread $100, all in 20s, across the table:
I just sound like money, baby I should've been a Porsche
Paid like a like a sugar free Red Bull
I'm so paid you know I keep a pocketful
And that's before the taxes
Took my own gross and hid it under my mattress
I used to get bored, count 20s for practice
Paper therapy we let that money relax us
Then I put the money in a shoebox and do put it under my mattress. Every time the shoebox gets full, I rubberband the whole bundle and walk to the bank. Unfortunately I haven't even filled it once yet. Too big a shoebox, I suppose.
I don't know if pink pixie girl will be there tonight or not, because I forgot to tell her it's my day off. I forget a lot of things, which means I repeat myself a lot to myself, and sometimes I know I'm repeating myself right away, and other times I don't remember until like a week later when I'm making peanut butter toast or something. And the times I don't remember at all I've repeated myself, well I've forgotten them, and no one else hears me, so in a way I'm not really repeating myself.
I should do the dishes, but fuck that. I've been non-stop listening to Akon songs other than the one I use for getting money so I have something to talk about with Pink Pixie girl if she does show up. And if I go over there, I mean. I have a firm no going to work on days off policy.
But one can only take so much of catchy beats and repetitive lyrics, so it's time to lumber my skinny-fat ass over to the computer and crank up CK 2.
This probably isn't a good idea given how many patches it's been, but I'm going to dare to forge ahead anyway.
Hmm. Worth investigating.
Candidate #1.
Candidate #2.
While I'm trying to decide who to go after, I receive terrible news.
Hot, blonde, blind MILF is dead.
Time to war out my grief!
Sorry, pal. You have the smallest army, so I'm going to force vassalize you first.
...Uh oh. War was going great until the defenders launched a successful sally, but no worries. I shall merely summon my small vassal's army, who will give me enough!
...Well, shit. That means I'm forced to call in the mercs. But while this happens...
An independence war breaks out against the new Swedish king, King Ugly Grayhair having died at 60 of depression from having to look at his own ugly face in the mirror every day.
What a crappy new king. Needless to say, Bjorn I loses the independence war, while we win the war against Candidate #1. Since we still have the mercs, we immediately go to war with Candidate #2 and force-vassalize him as well.
A look at post-independence Sweden:
As you can see, most of the continental territories, except for part of Lithuania, has been lost, and the only significant extra-Swedish territory is in Finland. I'm feeling rather frisky, so I decide to start a faction:
Yeah, I probably should have joined in the recently-successful independence war, but let's keep Crappy King Bjorn on his toes. I'll need to expand my territorial base if I hope to beat him solo, or with the puny ally who joins later, so I...
Why Lithuania and not Finland? Because I have plans to hit a certain someone else in Finland, first.
As the war is going on, a beautiful thing happens.
D'aww. Which means...
STEWARDING AND MAKING BABIES LIKE A BOSS!
Along with the beautiful thing, a very, very bad thing happens.
Assnugget Candidate #1 plans to do away with me, so I imprison him. That's a lot of money and some land I could get, but my vassals would be
about it.
What's that? Y'all still be cool with me? OKAY! BYE-BYE, CANDIDATE #1! SO LONG FAT, FLESHY OLD ASS!
Even better?
Boom! Goes the Viking dynamite! But now I have to plot my next moves carefully, very carefully...
I'm hungry. I'm going to go eat something.