[Izulde]

When you live alone, and by alone I mean completely alone, you become a dilettantish consumer. Partially watched TV series, half-read books, midpoint-played games... It's as if we recluses, recognizing that we'll never take part in life, need to devour as many of the entertainment forms as possible to make up for the gaping voids in our existence. Yet, we can never finish these things. Half of it, I think, is because we're afraid of missing out on something by not exposing ourselves to it. The other half, and perhaps the real reason, finishing something is a too stark reminder that we, too, are being closer to finished, as in dead finished. If we can exist in this perpetual state of incompleteness, perhaps we can somehow extend our lifespans by leaving tasks undone.

I don't even remember where I was playing or what I did all those months ago. All I know is, I got lost in Skyrim for a while, managed to finish the two Netflix seasons of The Killing (which, by the way, doesn't count as a completed thing because I later found out a third season is on tap so there), wandered through some other TV series and games I don't really remember now what all they were - just that I stopped every single one short of conclusion.

It's been a long time since I've been able to watch shows like Glee or Community, by the way. When one has failed at life like I have, the harsh reminder of those high school hopes is too painful, makes the waste too real, and the same goes for Community, though I've heard there's an old guy on there who should make me feel less bad.

Other than that, the endless monotony of the gas station. Some days I fantasize about what it would be like to walk in with a gun one day and just take everyone out before turning it on myself. Not that I would ever do it. That would mean interacting with other people to get the gun, get the bullets, all of that. And frankly, why should I punish other people for the mistakes I've made? That isn't fair and it isn't right, so just take those thoughts as idle daydreams that will never come true.

I visited the Paradox forums a few days ago. Found out there's this expansion called The Old Gods coming out soon. Being able to play pagans sounds okay, even though I'm not all crack-happy about it like some people are on there. Like I've said before, religion plays no part in my life at all, and as fun as it would be to find one of those slutty neopagan girls and get laid finally, pussy acquired via fraud is worse than the Jerry Maguire shoplifting of the pootie. In fact, it's worse than paying a prostitute. At least in the last case, you're being honest about exchanging money for ejaculatory marvels.

But I guess that means the last game, whatever it was, is officially on ice since it's reportedly so close to TOG. Just like my collection of race and class combos in every Elder Scrolls game ever, they will remain loosely floating in the air, left to hang in medias res.

Until the hard drive destruction comes.