One of the great ironies of being a 35 year old virgin at a gas station is that sexual opportunities do occasionally arise. Most often it's with men who are haunted by their homosexuality and so furtively pursue it in the dark secrecy of night, their breath reeking of hard liquid courage needed to dare to ask a nighttime gas station clerk. Then there's the now and again group of drunk girls who sacrifice one of their number to give me a phone number (almost always fake) and hopefully get a rise out of me. But I take these alcoholic siren and satyrs' calls as they are - foolish decisions under cloudy-headed premises, and so politely, with all the enthusiasm of the grayest of all rocks, decline or say thank you, depending on the situation. Seeing me not taking the gambit, their ardor cools, and they swear at me, or mutter under their breath, the loss of fun piercing the pleasant mood of their buzz.
Rock-like is precisely how I feel as I wait for the levies to wake revive from their depleted slumber.
And then Odin decides to act like a daedric prince.
Bastard. First he offers no help in war, then he whores my daughter.
Terrible news. No matrilineal marriage for her.
The Ugly Red Man is destroying his real main rival for the throne of Sweden, after which I think he will have enough territory to create the throne.
And then...
So let's recap here. We have a 10 year old imbecile on the throne, with a hot, blind, blonde MILF as regent, and he has three sisters, one of whom is forced into concubinage, and who gets a county if Valdemar the Idiot doesn't live long enough to make a kid.
...Yeah. This is so not going to end well.
But just when I think all is lost, something happens.
Immediate thought:
You know what happens next.
Checking up on things down south...
So far, so good.
Getting awfully close for comfort there... Can't afford to screw around on this one.
INTO THE BREACH, BRAVE VIKINGS!!!!
VICTORY IS OURS!!!
*insert much dancing and cheering*
What do Vikings to do celebrate victory?
Go raiding, of course.
On my way back from a full 140 gold raiding of Ireland, I notice the following:
Ugly Red Man is now Ugly Gray King. Can't say I'm surprised, though. I gave it the old college try, and maybe King Fairhair, daughter stealing nitwit that he is, can be of some help in getting the throne, if, you know, Fairhair ever forms Norway, which he still hasn't. I don't know what he's waiting for, either, but I *need* him to form Norway.
As you can see, the raid of Ormond was so successful, I decided to tackle bigger fish and keep raiding. Yay, money!
Not long after, Valdemar the Idiot comes of age. Let's see how bad this looks.
Um, what? A Midas-touched Imbecile. Now I've seen everything. I mean, I know of idiot savants, but this is just ridiculous. Let's see how he really looks.
...I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Maybe laugh so hard I cry.
Anyway, time to peal those wedding bells!
This inspiring leader who is the daughter of the King of Jorvik (petty crown, petty cash dowry, too, but yay alliance), is pretty much the antithesis to Valdemar the Gold Idiot. No wonder she hates him.
I think now is a good stopping point in reminiscing about this in my head. Food and all that would be good. But as crazy as all this news was, it was nothing compared to what happened next.
Yes, audience of the mind, the fan is about to get not just shitfaced, but shitbombed.