[Karlifornia]

The Hunt For McRib: A Prologue

Back in the late 80's, when I was just a little tyke, my mom would take me through the McDonald's drive-through. I would usually order a hamburger happy meal, or occaisionally a McNuggets meal. Big Mac? No thanks. Fish Filet? Not today. But then, one day, like an angel from McHeaven, a sandwich I had never had before appeared on the menu. It was beautiful...it was....


THE MCRIB!!!

Not unlike one Veruca Salt, I demanded that my mummy get me this mystery sandwich. My favorite food is, and always was baby back ribs, and being a naive 5-year old I thought "Hey, Ribs+McDonald's!?!? Jizzity-Jackpot!!!".

Nearly a week passed, and I had all but forgotten about McRib, my developing mind too focused on things like how far my finger could go up my nose, and why grandma smelled like old milk. On one sunny and mild spring California day, we went for a drive (mummy and I). My Speak-N-Spell commanded 100% of my attention. My nose caught an aroma. I dropped my Speak-N-Spell to the floor (cue multi-angle slo-mo replays of my Speak-N-Spell hitting the floormats). Some might say my first love was Meggan back in 5th grade. No, no, no, my friends. I had a first love, alright, but it was not Meggan. Yes, with that very first bite, my pupils dilated, and I became entranced. What were those weird little white things? This sauce, it was not quite ketchup, but not quite steak stauce...And the bun, my god the bun.

It's quite sad, really, when two lovers take each other for granted and slowly drift apart. It is. What is even more tragic is when your lover is cruelly ripped away from you. "For a limited time only"-I will never forget the dagger to my stomach (and large intestine) those words were.

It's been 16 years since I tasted a McRib. I can't even say for sure if I would even like McRib now---*Slaps self in face* Get a fucking hold of yourself, man. NEVER speak ill of McRib.

Well. Ladies and gentlemen.....I am going to find the McRib-even at the expense of my life, and my family's life. You may call me crazy...a McRib zealot...I call myself a man-a GOD-DAMNED AMERICAN MAN-who burns with an unrequited love from the inside out.

This is my story.