[JonInMiddleGA]

Just sort of ... not venting really. Putting words into air maybe?

Depression sure creates some interesting conundrums. I'm self-aware to almost a fault perhaps but I'd have to be blind to not recognize most of my tells.

I've only left the house for a single banking errand and to reload my Pall Mall supply when it gets low over the past 12 days. I don't wanna leave the basement for anything more than absolute have to. I'm hungry but have no real interest in eating, certainly no desire to expend more than the bare minimum effort to do so. I literally couldn't tell you the last time I shaved. It's almost phyiscally painful to grace the main floor with my presence just for the sake of the cats mental health. My sleep pattern is almost fully reversed (currently asleep by noon, up by 4 or 5p, nap a couple hours around midnight, repeat).

Where that gets interesting, or something, is this.

I sorta had the "oh shit, you are NOT doing the stuff to control this that you did previously" epiphany a couple nights ago. Stuff like consistently making myself at least do a dine-in meal somewhere every few days. I don't require a lot of socialization but if I don't even have server interaction stuff occasionally, I do get increasingly squirrely.

Thing is, I haven't been able to make myself do anything differently since that light bulb went on. Now I have kinda tried a couple times, circumstances (like a closed restaurant and another that was just on a nope, not my thing, menu day) stopped those.

Some degree of this is pretty normal for me. I've done it much the same every time the kid departs for school in the past six years. What nags me currently is not being able to identify how much is that and how much is "everything else". It's usually a 2-3 day thing, not a 2 week thing.

I'm sure I'm feeling the ... pressure (for lack of a more accurate word) of this kind of being the official start of my "I've got to figure out how to be just a "me" instead of a "we" stage. Will's presence sort of put that on hiatus, created a sabbatical of sorts for dealing with the entirely personal aspects of the new situation.

I suspect I ain't facing that prospect very well atm. And that annoys me.

Don't misunderstand, I do give myself a ton of leeway for being imperfect in all of this stuff. One of the few things I believe I've done well above average with is not beating myself up for being down, for malaise, so forth. I'm not really beating myself up now even, not nearly so much as I am just ... annoyed with myself / with my depression.

I've got to get a handle on this better, last thing anybody needs is for me to get any MORE squirrely. And, I imagine, I eventually will ... I'd just kinda like eventually to come the fuck on already.