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Old 02-11-2015, 03:43 PM   #11
Radii
Head Coach
 
Join Date: Jul 2001
I'm taking part in a research study as part of this course. I got a "pre-class questionnaire" today. I don't know if the study stuff will be worthwhile to discuss as we go along, but since the class still hasn't started yet, and since I'm just starting to really get the picture of what "mindfulness" is supposed to be beyond an abstract term, I figure I'll comment on a few things.


The first section are questions about current behaviors. Things regarding "feelings in the moment", judgement and critical thinking, and the ability to express feelings. Things that give me slightly stronger reactions:

I perceive my feelings and emotions without having to react to them - Never. I analyze everything.
I tell myself I shouldn't be feeling the way I'm feeling - Often. The result of analyzing everything


When I'm walking, I deliberately notice the sensations of my body moving - Never. This is interesting. The physical therapist working on my foot issues does a lot of range of motion type work, trigger point dry needling, massage or other manipulation to try to loosen up my hips, or back, or some specific thing. She will ask me after working on me for an hour to walk around and ask "how do you feel". I stop and think to try to determine what's different. She says "No, don't analyze, what do you feel?" I am incapable of answering this question. I don't feel anything. I am looking for metrics. When I'm hurting I feel "symptoms". But I don't have a sense of much past that. I frequently mention to both physical therapists on many topics such as proper posture, or things with sleep habits, or bathroom habits... "This is hard for me to answer. I'm not sure what 'normal' feels like." partly due to my years of inactivity and allowing my health to go to shit, partly because I just don't have this kind of awareness, and never have as far back as I can remember.

This kind of awareness is something I'm curious about, and something I analyze from a "WTF is wrong with me" perspective, but since I've never had this kind of awareness, even as a kid, I don't know what it means, or what could change if I gain it. Shurg.


When I have distressing thoughts or images I am able to just notice them without reacting - There are a number of questions similar to this. There is a clear aim of being able to observe, going back to that phrase "non judgemental". I answer in the extreme negative to all of these types of questions. I am measured. I don't have anger issues. But I do stop, and analyze the distressing thought, and actively decide what to do about it. I am the person who remains calm in an emergency when everyone else is freaking out. But that's because I put so much trust in my logical ability to analyze any situation and find the right response. Not because I am capable of "just observing" my feelings.


I think some of my emotions are bad or inappropriate and I shouldn't feel them. - There are a lot of questions like this. I answer slightly in the negative. I definitely have times where I say "I wish I didn't have that thought run through my head." I fuss at myself when I get "stuck" on a topic. Again, /shurg.


There is a section asking "how often" have you ___ in the last week. Like how often have you felt nervous and stressed, with multiple choice answers. To pound home the "analyzing" vs "feeling" idea, the instructions state:

Quote:
The best approach is to answer each question fairly quickly. That is, don't try to count up the number of times you felt a particular way, but rather indicate the alternative that seems like a reasonable estimate.

LOL, right. I do "try" to do this, and it leads to me muddily answering "sometimes" for almost every question.


Lots of questions about being kind to yourself when you are suffering or being kind to yourself when you fail. In all cases I answer in the the extreme negative. I'm hard on myself. I expect myself to be good at things, and to succeed at anything I try. I frequently do not even consider this a flaw, if I'm honest. But I do recognize that I take it too far, my personality is too "all or nothing", etc.



And that's that. The last two posts fall under the "learn more about Radii" and not much else. Perhaps this will be useful to understand what things I can improve through this course, and useful for me to re-read a few months down the road to compare.
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