[Subby]

As usual, my first day back on THE PROGRAM was a screaming success.

Like any idiot, I am VERY GOOD at doing something the first time. Then like an ADHD raccoon, I quickly lose focus and end up tipping over someone's garbage and rummaging through it and eight weeks later I have gained 10 pounds (true story).

I whiffed on two things. One, I got in bed late because one of my kids had a baseball game that ended late. Understandable. Two, I had a little more coffee than allowed - but since I am stepping down from 140 ounces per day, it's probably better that I had a little more than the max allowed, lest I go into withdrawal rage and start attacking my unsuspecting co-workers.

As I said yesterday, my suspicions were that I weighed 210 pounds. Those suspicions were confirmed this morning when I got on the scale and it started weeping, dimly displaying a flickering 210.1.

I now have 5 months and 19 days to lose 40 pounds. I just checked and Ben E Lou already weighs less than 200. This can't happen. Not on my watch.

1. Brush and floss twice. (Yay? Sad this has to be on the list).
2. Out of bed by 6am.
3. Exercise for 45 minutes.
4. No buying breakfast (other than from the grocery store).
5. Eat 5 servings of fruit during the day. (THIS IS HARDER THAN IT SOUNDS)
6. Eat a salad, for fuck's sake. (NOT A CHEF SALAD)
7. No soda.
8. No Starbucks. Their food is seriously beyond shitty anyway.
9. No convenience stores. Do not even look at them.
10. No buying lunch, unless it's a salad, for fuck's sake.
11. No restaurant desserts. You're full...that means stop eating.
12. No ice cream unless you are out with family. NOT EATING OUT ALONE, FATS.
13. No burgers AND fries. Pick one...or divide both in half. Stop crying, fatty.
14. No eating after 8pm. That doesn't mean you should eat a tin of salted almonds at 7:45p.
15. No eating in car. Ever. Have you ever seen a hoarder's car? Yep, lots of rotting food and probably a metric ton of fast food wrappers.
16. No food from work kitchen. Unless it's a skewers of fresh fruit. (It isn't.)
17. No donuts or candy bars or cookies. This has been combined into one line item. Get your shit together or we are also adding pie, cupcakes, and all caramel products.
18. No gorging pizza. That means two slices, tops. Pace yourself, Tubby.
19. No caffeine abuse. That means 24 ounces of coffee per day. No, you aren't funnier when you are hopped up on caffeine. People that are overstimulated are just annoying.
20. No second helpings. This also translates to NO BUFFETS. Unless you are in Vegas. Then get your buffet on.
21. No sports drinks. Did you just run for 2 hours? No? Then drink water or seltzer. Oh boo hoo, taste, boo hoo. SHUT THE FUCK UP AND DRINK.
22. In fact, drink 64 ounces of water every day. Why? Because otherwise you will put 64 ounces of shit in your body.
23. There is no rule that you can't leave Chipotle until you have eaten 1000 calories. Never eat more than half of your meal. Take the rest to go.