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After last night's body scan I again went to the computer, I was immediately invited into a league of legends game with a couple buddies. We didn't talk much, or at least I didn't, but I noticed I *really* played like shit for the first few minutes. Timing and general awareness/focus were not what I'm used to at all.
Homework - Week 1 Thursday
Mindful Eating Grilled Pork Chop for dinner w/ some worcestershire sauce and grated parmesean on top. No sense of smell blah blah blah. I cut the pieces up fairly small but the one I choose to eat mindfully is still a little too thick to let it sit comfortably in my mouth for too long, so I notice that immediately. I notice the tangy taste of the worcestershire sauce, and the texture of the cheese (moreso than the taste). I chose the piece that had the most fat on it, I greatly enjoy that taste. The taste does not change noticibly when I chew my food. I notice some stringy bits hanging around my teeth when I'm done. I make a note to floss right after I finish the rest of my dinner.
Routine Activity - Dean jumps on the bed soon after I lie down. His tail is wet. He is 14 or 15 and doesn't always use the litterbox anymore, despite not having any health problems that the vet can identify that might cause this. I break to clean him up and go find the spot to clean. That takes awhile, remember that sense of smell that I don't have? Yeah.... I'm pretty sure sometimes I don't even know he's done it, its a source of embarrassment, at least the carpet is very old and needs replacing before this. ANYWAY. Once that is done, I go back to bed, Dean comes back pretty quickly, I give him my undivided attention for awhie. I am reflecting on this issue though, and thinking about the things I've tried to sovle the problem, so my mind is wandering away from the present. I pull myself back to the present when I notice his purr, I enjoy giving him attention but my mind is going all over for the duration of this.
Body Scan - I am very distracted during work. I don't have a big task to do, but lots of small ones. I find it hard to move from one task to the next without major sidetrack. I've got some shit on my mind, and I work from home so there is really nothing to keep me on track. I decide to do the body scan in the middle of this, curious to see what happens when I'm in a state like this. The thoughts that are distracting me from work aren't horrible, but they aren't good either and I do actively wish I wasn't having them.
Almost immediately I find myself "jumping ahead". I focus on my left toes as instructed, then I wonder how my knee is going to feel and jump there. I wonder how my foot will feel, I jump there. I pull myself back to my breathing, then back to the audio. I make it through the rest of the lower body portion of the scan without becoming distracted. I notice that my knee does not hurt much at all today when I focus on it. I do not really find anything else to note as far as feelings/sensations.
At some point when moving to the upper body I zone out completely. I may have fallen asleep, or something close to it. If I did, I was out lightly enough to hear some keywords in the audio that pulled me back to it. I had no recollection of what I was thinking about while zoned out (***its very strange. I wouldn't have thought i fell asleep at all, the only reason I think/assume I did is that the second I came to I had already lost/forgotten whatever was in my mind***)
What pulls me back in is the part that I've mentioned disliking, where the lady in the audio starts talking about the internal organs. I notice today that the audio mentions the pancreas when it talks about stomach/liver etc. Instead of tuning out, I use this time to tell my diabetic pancreas that it can go fuck itself. I have defeated it with my diet over the last year and I don't need it anymore. My hyper-analytical mind, my mind that "must note correctness" at all times, breaks in and concedes that the pancreas does other things besides deal with insulin and blood sugar, and I probably do need those things, but that's not the point is it? The audio has moved on by now, I catch up and go back to it.
I am able to follow along for the rest of the audio, without noting significant thoughts or distractions. I also find nothing to note in any other area of the body that is observed and discussed at the end.
Its an interesting place, my head sometimes. Note the lack of "WTF?" thoughts along the way. I'm not surprised or distressed by any of this.
Day 3 down!
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