DAY SIX
So I am working late yesterday evening and I look at the clock on my PC and it is 7:51 pm. MOTHERFUCKER. I CANNOT, on my first day of declaring no eating after 8:00 pm, eat after 8:00 pm. It's okay I tell myself, I have nine minutes to get something to eat. I'll just run to down to the convenience store next to our bui....
FUCK
No worries just run to the end of the block and get a sandwich at Starbuc....
FUCKITY FUCK
Ok CVS has a decent selection of conveniently packaged foo...
FFFFFFFF UUUUUUUUUUUUU
Oh right, Potbelly across the street, get in the elevator, run across the street, wait for DOO RAG VON DOUCHEBAG to take my order, make my sandwich, fuck up my sandwich, incorrectly make change, etc..
NO TIME FOR POTBELLY.
Now I enter some weird time warp of rage and indecision. Thankfully I was alone in our office because I was probably drooling and making small barnyard animal noises. When I regain consciousness it is 8:03pm. I had not eaten anything since my big ass salad from 2pm. Oh sure, I had a few chocolates from my co-workers candy jar at 5pm, BUT THAT DOESN'T COUNT.
Now I start freaking out. What happens if I don't eat? Is my blood sugar going to bottom out as I drive my SUV over the Key Bridge guardrail into the Potomac? Am I going to be able to take my pants off if I have to wrestle a bear? Wait - what? Am I hallucinating? WHY IS MY FACE TWITCHING????!@#!!
Get a hold of yourself, fat boy. You have plenty of food stored up. NO ONE IS DYING TONIGHT. I calmly get up from my desk, walk out the front door of my building and down the street to the garage where my car is parked. A homeless man accosts me.
"Hey can you spare some? I GOTTA EAT!"
This sets me off. He's hungry? Really? I WILL SHIV A HOBO IN HIS DICK.
I think I hallucinated saying that because next thing I know I am pulling into my driveway. I go inside, pour myself a big glass of sweet tea, and chug. Instantly feeling better, instantly feeling human again, I think...I can do this. And I do. I stay up late watching the Nats, go to bed, and SLUMBER. It was awesome. I woke up with sheet lines all over my face. It was that good.
Maybe I'm on to something here.
So now on to something which is going to be probably impossible to change.
1. No soda.
2. No Starbucks.
3. No Convenience Stores.
4. No ice cream.
5. No eating after 8pm.
6. No staying up late.
I go to dance clubs and strip joints and raves all of the time. I am usually out until 2am and either fall asleep on the couch or stumble up to bed around 4am and wake up my poor wife. Sure I don't get a lot of sleep, but at least I am living my life to the fullest, out there being young, having fun, being social. PARTYING.
What? What was that you say? Oh right. I don't do any of that fun shit. I stay up late on the internet or watching tv or watching a movie which I have probably already seen. By myself. Because late night is DADDY TIME! It's me time! Never mind the fact that I wake up AFTER my kids (which is fucking horrible parenting). Never mind that if you go to bed at 2am and wake up your wife in the process, SHE WILL NEVER EVER SEX YOU (fact).
I mean really. I am smarter than this. It is bad for you to continually shortchange yourself in the sleep department. I could understand if I was out fighting fires or banging supermodels or doing something else useful or awesome, but the most interesting thing I do is play Scramble with Friends (which is ironic because random opponents ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS).
Sleeping less also leads to carb addiction, which is better than crack addiciton but probably not as exciting in the long run.
Anyway, from here on out, I will be in bed by 10pm on week nights and 11pm on Friday and Saturday nights. If I'm not, I had better have a damn good reason. And no, "OOOOH! The Matrix: Reloaded is on Spike!!!!" is not a good reason.
WE ANSWER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS FROM OUR READERS
"Technically they say you shouldn't eat within like 3-4 hours of bed. Nothing about 8pm (depending on when you go to sleep)." - DT
Those are probably scientists and dieticians and other people with self respect and dignity who can stop eating after they have had the amount of nutrition they need. Not me. I need a hard stop.
"I sense a book deal coming out of this. Ok ok, a book title." - Dark Cloud
Heh. I thought a lot about that idea last Friday. It seemed like the best idea in a while. I could start a blog and back date these posts and then parlay the posts into a book. So I started thinking about domains and web space and copyrights and intellectual property and the pressure of writing and then I got sleepy and took a nap. I feel much better now. What were we talking about?
"I am thinking of starting an anti-Subby-habit dynasty, where I start to do all the things he stops doing, one day at a time, for 30 days." - Chief Rum
I would love to see a dynasty where a person tried to pick up a bad habit every day for thirty days. 4) EAT CONTAINER OF CAKE ICING 5) AUTOEROTIC ASPHYXIATION WITH FILIPINO HOOKER MAID SERVICE CREW. There would be over/under betting on which day that person died. It would be way better than this shitty dynasty.
"Question: Do you have the 30 things identified? Or are you deciding on them as you go along?" - DT
No. That would require organization and planning. I am just manicuring King Kong's pubes right now. Machete out, hacking and slashing wherever I see unsightly growth.